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To tell this mum her dd is a bully?

87 replies

Mamalexi343 · 18/11/2019 13:28

So this has been going on for a couple of months now and I'm at the end of my tether with it.

There's a girl in my 6yo dd's class who is just a downright nasty child, we'll call her F. they both play in the same friendship circle and seem to share the same best friend however this girl has taken a strong dislike to my DD.

DD is coming home everyday saying F has said nasty things to her, said nasty things about her to other children, called her fat and ugly and told her her name is horrible to the point that I've caught DD stood Infront of a mirror and calling herself fat, nor does she now want to be called by her name and no amount of reassurance has changed her view of herself which is heartbreaking for me to watch.

F constantly tells her she can't play with the others and will boss them into ignoring DD and she won't let her anywhere near the best friend leaving DD in tears every morning and now it's a struggle to even get her to school.

I've caught F in the act a few times and told her to leave DD alone and she can't tell people what to do and she always stands there with the sad told off face but I'm not buying it, meanwhile mum is nowhere to be seen.

I've talked to their teacher who did the whole oh I've not noticed anything, I'll keep an eye out but again, I'm not buying it.

We've tried to teach DD to stand up for herself and she tries but it seems to spur F on.

Mum is very much my DD is perfect, she can do no wrong yet claims F suffers with anxiety so I know if I try to talk to her about it she will have her head in the clouds and be in denial that her poor perfect angel could do such a thing.

Aibu to just be blunt and tell her her dd is a nasty bully? I know they're only 6 and I'm sure my DD is no angel in the whole thing but it's got to the point my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch, which I sympathize as this is how I feel, what do I do? I can't let this continue.

OP posts:
antisupermum · 18/11/2019 14:53

“Finger bitten down to the bone twice”

“Almost a broken eye socket”

And now a persistent bully problem.

If you are allowing the above to happen and HAVEN'T made moves to get her out of there, then I'm sorry but I seriously question your judgement and your parenting skills. One of those things would happen to my child once and that entire school district would hear me. Stop expecting people to do your job for you, and start protecting your child.

Move schools, or refuse to send her in. Once the school board contacts you about her attendance, show them all the evidence of the issues you have any the schools failure to act. Write and call the Local Authority every hour until someone fixes this. You are the parent here, its quite literally your job to be proactive in resolving this.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 18/11/2019 14:55

My dd is the same age and has the same problem regardless which school you go to its always the same it's a common problem with girls they can be horrible. I would promote other friendship groups. Tbh I would be more concerned with he boy physically attacking than the 6 year old girl.

Lovemenorca · 18/11/2019 14:55

* my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch*

What a big man.

Jaxhog · 18/11/2019 14:58

Move schools. It sounds like this is a school that doesn't have a handle on discipline at all.

mammy28 · 18/11/2019 15:01

It’s hard when to prevent your kid being bullied at primary, you have to side with horrible parents of this boy. We as a group are rather ashamed of this but one particular member of our group has her very own headed paper and we tend to go along with these people. I don’t want to take my son out of this school but quietly and not really wanting to we’re part of this awful gang/group because the boy is a bully as are his parents and frankly everyone’s hands are tied it seems.

myself2020 · 18/11/2019 15:02

Change schools. you won‘t achieve anything by talking to the mum, and if school doesn’t do anything you‘ll need to change

myself2020 · 18/11/2019 15:04

movr school And inform OFSTED that the school fails to safeguard children!

ymf117 · 18/11/2019 15:08

Look up the complaints and bullying policies, you've spoken to the teacher, now escalate it, speak to the KS1 lead or the Deputy Head/Head. Failing this is the school part of a trust? Complain to them.

Have you considered another school? It's clear this one isn't protecting your child or others if this is the second lot of problems you have had with another child. I wouldn't send my DD anywhere she wasn't happy.

ShyteSprite · 18/11/2019 15:09

If the school won't do anything then go to the governors. Do it by email or letter so there's a paper trail. Address it to the chair of governors. If that doesn't work then go to the local authority.

It was Anti-Bullying week last week in England. The school that I work at spent the week focussing on bullying. The whole school knows we will not tolerate bullying and I personally would go out every playtime and dinnertime to make sure any bullying was not happening if I needed to. Every child has the right to go to school happy, feeling safe and ready to learn.

I hope you get this sorted out. It sounds truly awful. If I was your DD's teacher I would speak to the child's mum and tell her what her child was doing and what I was going to do to make sure it never happens again.

Bluerussian · 18/11/2019 15:11

myself2020 Mon 18-Nov-19 15:04:17
move school And inform OFSTED that the school fails to safeguard children!
This!!! Others have said same and I'm adding my voice.

Take her out now if you can, give her some work to do at home until you find a better school.

I would literally be hopping mad if I was you (I expect you are).

Bullying is not uncommon at all but what you have described is horrific!

All the best, let us know how things go.
Wine for you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 15:12

Speaking to the mum is only going to increase the risk of conflict spreading to the adults in your DD’s life and doesn’t sound at all likely to have a positive impact. Go through the school, using their bullying policy to push them to action or look for a different school (given their safeguarding failures with the boy in the class, this second option might be the best). Moving school is not generally goo for kids, but staying somewhere they are bullied is worse and if you’re going to move, the sooner the better.

Bluerussian · 18/11/2019 15:13

I meant 'if I WERE you', not 'was'.

Courtney555 · 18/11/2019 15:20


What exactly have you witnessed when you say you've caught the bully in the act numerous times. What have you directly seen?

Sometimes kids are just nasty. Sometimes its both children playing a part.

Please take it the right way, but having fingers bitten down to the bone, twice..."almost broken eye sockets"... And the school didn't respond?

Almost broken. As in, not broken. You are coming across a bit PFB, although this is probably as you are at the end of your tether.

Exaggeration doesn't get your point across, it just makes you less credible. And that's not what you need when addressing the school.

SouthWestmom · 18/11/2019 15:21

Some of this I don't understand. What is dh watching in the school run? Why is he doing that?

The girl can have anxiety and be unkind - the two aren't mutually exclusive. If this is a group of three with your dd and her vying for the best friend it won't help her anxiety.

The teacher may well not have seen anything if this happens at break.

What do you see and how?

Just go back and say there is still an issue and can they a. Keep the other kid away and b. Encourage your dd to make new friends as well.

seasidequayside · 18/11/2019 15:23

Change schools! Are you seriously saying the school did nothing when your other child's finger was bitten and with the other violence you mention. I would raise this with whoever is appropriate - the head, the local authority, school governors, OFSTED. Start by looking up the school's complaints procedure and following it. I don't think OFSTED will be interested unless you've already made a formal complaint to the school. This is a serious safeguarding issue. I can see how psychological bullying can sometimes be very difficult to identify and deal with, but physical violence is something where there is evidence staring you in the face. Did nobody go to A&E with their black eyes or bitten fingers? I'm surprised that Social Services haven't followed this up with the school.

Try and get the day off tomorrow or the next day. Go in and speak to the head teacher when you drop off. Don't wait for an appointment, say it's an urgent and serious safeguarding issue. Then phone other schools nearby saying that you need to move your children because of serious bullying and ask if they have spaces.

Don't speak to the girl's parents. It's not for you to do this. It just reduces it to a spat between two mums and gets in the way of a proper investigation. It's up to the school to deal with this girl and discuss her behaviour with her parents. If their complaints procedure fails, then you should report them to OFSTED for the sake of other children in their care. But move your children as soon as you can, because why would you keep them somewhere where they are not safe?

ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/11/2019 15:27

Have you got another child OP? If your daughter is 6 shed be in either P1 or P2? And you say 3 years this went on with another boy atracking? Shed have been 3?? Im in Scotland so unsure how your schooling system may work. Also yeah if that bad Id move her.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/11/2019 15:27

This girl will eventually be left behind.
Bullies always are.
Do the school do much teaching on bullying, excluding, at this age in my DDs class they were all tell tales if they spotted a bully.
Go back to the school try to resolve it through them first.
I wouldn't jump to move schools there are bullies in every school.
My DDs class bully was left out eventually, now she is a lovely girl she learnt the hard way, best to teach them kindness before they start school.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/11/2019 15:29

@Mamalexi343 I didn't notice you were the OP when I read the biting post.
Fuck that I am not the type to run at the school but I'd be unstoppable in this situation.

SouthWestmom · 18/11/2019 15:30

Year 2 has six year olds so the boy could have started reception with them. Surprised nothing happened if your dd had her finger bitten to the bone twice, not sure what an almost broken socket is - bruised? Usually could exclude for that even with SEN.

Ellisandra · 18/11/2019 15:30

Bitten down to the bone, not once but TWICE?

ddl1 · 18/11/2019 15:47

I don't think that telling her that her daughter is a 'nasty bully' will achieve anything. The mother will resent it, and the child, however unkindly she is behaving, is 6 and does not really need such an all-encompassing label, which could even be self-fulfilling. I think you should describe the child's specific actions, and probably not to the mother but to the school (child's teacher and headteacher). Put them in writing. If nothing is done, go back to them again. If it persists, try to get your child into another school: yes, that may seem unfair to your child when she's the innocent party, but may be the quickest way of getting her out of a toxic situation, and out of a school which does not seem to be as attentive to the children's welfare as it could be.

CripsSandwiches · 18/11/2019 15:53

Don't speak to the mum. Speak to the teacher. The mum might well have heard all kinds of things that your DD has been doing to her DD and will dismiss you outright. If your DD is being bullied you need to address it with school. The teacher will be in a much better position to observe from a neutral perspective address any issue and speak to both parents impartially.

ddl1 · 18/11/2019 15:57

Wow, I've just seen the other posts on the thread, referencing extreme physical violence. I didn't see that in your OP? But if the other child really has bitten your child's finger to the bone twice, then that is a really serious and urgent safeguarding issue. A teacher might fail to notice teasing especially if the other child is sly about it, though persistently ignoring it is a very bad mark to the school; but not noticing a serious injury is a major dereliction of duty. I assume that your child had to have medical treatment for that - that should be on record, and the school must be informed. I would take your child out of school now, tell the school that you are desperately concerned about her physical safety, and teach her at home while seeking a place at another school. If the authorities contact you about her absence, tell them about the violence - it's a good thing if they do know.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 16:03

ddl1 Re-read. That was a different child that the school failed to protect other children from. Not the girl that OP thinks is a bully.

Cuteypye · 18/11/2019 16:06

Talking to the mother would likely be a waste of time, as she probably wouldn’t accept that her dd is a bully. I had an incident when my dd was bullied another girl. One morning she was bitten by this girl as we waited for the children to go into school. The mother was there. When I confronted her, she called her daughter over, who came across crying, saying my dd had bitten her first and showed the bite mark. The bite mark was exactly the same as the one on my dd’s arm, however the mother turned on me accusingly and shouting about my dd being the bully and me having the cheek to try to blame her dd! She refused to listen as I told her to look at the mark, which was very evidently made by her dd bitting herself, to avoid blame!
The school weren’t interested either, probably because they didn’t want to admit that there was any bullying.

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