Was I wrong?!

[Newmeboys]

Long one.

So I left my emotionally abusive (small amount of physical abuse) Jan '18. Met, let's call him 'Jim' 3 months later online. We both have 2 kids from out previous relationships who get on well.

We've been together 18 months, all good, holidays, time together with extended families on both sides.

Anyway last weekend we were all at his (we only are able to get together every other month for whole weekends due to his shifts). I left Sunday am to give them a break (chaos with them all!!), chill time before the kids went back to their mothers, he had a nap 💤 after they'd gone back. All good.

Fast forward to this weekend, my eldest's birthday party. I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.

I normally work two set days and pick up an extra shift one day (nurse) to help with Christmas 🎄 etc.... originally I was booking Sunday but in error booked Saturday, hey ho, better for me to late to change it. Jim was cross as he wanted us to spend time together (plus his kids). Anyway I said sorry for messing up, he originally said I'm going home in a bit of a sulk but decided to crash at mine Saturday, I said well we can have a drink after I've finished work etc.

Sunday am his girl is sat in bed with us, not what I envisioned for my child free day off!!!! So I said I'm off spinning whilst you all get up and ready. He pipes up 'I thought you were spending time with up?' I think ok I'll go later.

Then I sit and think, I've had 11 year of ex dictating my life. I'm pissed off so I get up and say I'm going, he's obviously not happy. When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do. He storms off with kids, parting shot, you've treated my kids life second class citizens, fuck off and threw his key 🔑 at me!!!! I was in the process of saying let's talk later once kids in bed!!!! Heard nothing from him??!! I won't be contacting him!!!!

If you communicate in real life like you have on here I'm not surprised he's confused!

To be fair, if I'd driven an hour to see my boyfriend and he was out most of the time with work and exercise classes I'd probably think I shouldn't have bothered at all. DH and I lived a similar distance apart when we met and there's no way he'd have invited me, only to fuck off out when I got there.

It sounds to me like you're not quite ready for a committed relationship. He wants to spend as much time with you as possible and you don't want that - which is absolutely fine but ultimately it does mean you're not compatible.

@havaina the invitation or lack of is as clear as mud.

@sofato5miles or maybe people are choosing not to understand?

OP - you are getting on with your free, independent life as a single parent. Children, work, extra shifts, exercise, socialising.

He, on the other hand, seems to want to go for a fully blended family right now, with you fully involved with his children and no other demands on your time. It's a lot of pressure.
Is he rushing all this just to get an extra home/ childcare/ social life so he's not doing his parenting alone?

It's all a bit much at this stage. You've seen the light, this much intrusion into your life isn't welcome. You are still recovering from your last relationship and you need more time for yourself & your own children. At least now you can have a relaxed & less demanding Christmas.

Thank you imalmosthome and Havaina, he wasn't invited for the whole weekend and was well aware I wanted some time on Sunday. Maybe we want different things, I should have been clearer with him but I knew he'd be arsey. I thought he'd take the hint and give me some space, in a reversed situation I would and have.

No worries OP. Funny how he was happy for you to leave his house on Sunday morning last week, even though it was supposed to be a weekend together. It sounds like he didn’t need you then because his kids were gone and he could have his nap.

Sounds like he wants to control all your time. And deciding to stay an extra night at your house was his way of getting his kids looked after too. I don't think he's worth your time. You're allowed alone time.

It all sounds a bit hard work and chaotic - carting the kids (how many?) back and forth, juggling weekends and both of you working shifts. Is it worth it for this guy?

You have said you know he would be arsey. Time to Ltb - this will soon turn to you altering YOUR behaviour to prevent the arse face...

OP, I think you know exactly what he's like, with bells on.

He's another controlling, arsey man, when you have already kicked one to touch.

Sounds to me like you have learnt from the past and are more alert to men who want to be humoured and control.

Good for you.👍

You do not need another PITA man in your life giving you grief.

Continue to improve your boundaries, and listen to your gut feelings.

You are doing great👍💐

Plans change, you were clear. He didn't like it so picked a perfect time to challenge you.

How will you react to him doing this? He acted like a child. Not getting his own way.

I think a lot of men think their new partner is going to 'mother' their children for them and get surprised that you don't want to spend all your time with their children

Yes, it reminds me of that thread recently where the H would get annoyed with his wife (the OP) for going upstairs to read when he was watching a movie with his child (OP’s step child).

@Mclover spot on!

He has no business ‘telling you off’ about your shifts when his own shifts curtail your time together. You need your income and your financial independence.

But one way and another I can see why he would be fed up that after waiting at yours with his kids, who didn’t have yours to play with, you then said you would go out on Sunday morning and not spend time with them afterwards. What should he have done on Sunday morning? Sent his add out of the room?

You needed to have discussed the whole weekend on the Saturday am. Not just you, him too. Too many assumptions.

I agree, more time to get over your abusive ex.

He didn't have to stay at the op's house on his own with his child, he could have gone out or gone home with them.

The op has said she should have been clearer, fair enough, but she didn't deliberately set out to upset him. Things happen, plans change.

I'm very pleased she has decided to be on her own for a while.

All confusing OP and seems muddled.

You said he hasn't done this before I think but also said he has had a go at you previously for working when you were going to hang out / he thought you were going to.

Adults shouldn't tell each other off, it's not a normal way of communicating being upset about something.

IME getting together with someone new just 3 months after an abusive relationship, particularly a long term abusive relationship, is a recipe for disaster.

I know it happens and it's so difficult when you meet someone you feel is different to the abusive partner because you want to jump into it to get even further away from the abusive one you've left.

BUT it's not long enough to unravel the behaviour and expectations you've developed during the abusive relationship. That's not to say a new partner is necessarily abusive, but that your instincts will still be based on trying to avoid conflict, minimise fallout etc as you will have learned these toxic coping mechanisms in your previous relationship.

If you feel scared to tell someone the relationship is over and avoid speaking to them because you know it'll make them "arsey" enough it will upset you / turn into a drama then unfortunately that is further proof that the relationship is over.

Hand on heart do you want to be in this relationship, if his expectations and behaviour continue as they are? Regardless of who is right / wrong sometimes people are just incompatible.

If someone said this is how he is and this is how you are - would you be happy to be together another 5 / 10 / 15 + years?