Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong?!

92 replies

Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 13:16

Long one.

So I left my emotionally abusive (small amount of physical abuse) Jan '18. Met, let's call him 'Jim' 3 months later online. We both have 2 kids from out previous relationships who get on well.

We've been together 18 months, all good, holidays, time together with extended families on both sides.

Anyway last weekend we were all at his (we only are able to get together every other month for whole weekends due to his shifts). I left Sunday am to give them a break (chaos with them all!!), chill time before the kids went back to their mothers, he had a nap 💤 after they'd gone back. All good.

Fast forward to this weekend, my eldest's birthday party. I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.

I normally work two set days and pick up an extra shift one day (nurse) to help with Christmas 🎄 etc.... originally I was booking Sunday but in error booked Saturday, hey ho, better for me to late to change it. Jim was cross as he wanted us to spend time together (plus his kids). Anyway I said sorry for messing up, he originally said I'm going home in a bit of a sulk but decided to crash at mine Saturday, I said well we can have a drink after I've finished work etc.

Sunday am his girl is sat in bed with us, not what I envisioned for my child free day off!!!! So I said I'm off spinning whilst you all get up and ready. He pipes up 'I thought you were spending time with up?' I think ok I'll go later.

Then I sit and think, I've had 11 year of ex dictating my life. I'm pissed off so I get up and say I'm going, he's obviously not happy. When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do. He storms off with kids, parting shot, you've treated my kids life second class citizens, fuck off and threw his key 🔑 at me!!!! I was in the process of saying let's talk later once kids in bed!!!! Heard nothing from him??!! I won't be contacting him!!!!

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/11/2019 16:34

It doesn't really matter if you were wrong, or he was, or both of you were. The relationship doesn't seem to have been making either of you happy and now it is over. The being over part sounds like a good thing.

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 16:47

I see him quite regularly. I mean all the kids don't get together that often. We'd been quite happy until this happened!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 16:58

Your OP is really confusing but basically you invited him over, then had work and said you'd spend time together after work, so you knew he'd still be there.

Which meant you knew he'd be there the next day, with his children, and decided you wanted to go to the gym while he just sat in your house?

I think he wants to be able to spend more time with you but you want your independence (which is fine, of course).
His reaction was ridiculous and OTT but I think you both need to learn to communicate better if this is going to carry on.

JumpiestBat · 18/11/2019 17:10

I'd have been disappointed to have been left on my tod at a partners house with my kids and for it to be clear that not only work took priority (unavoidable obv) but a gym class did too. I'd never go for a early gym class if my partner was keeping the bed warm no matter how many of the kids were or weren't around. You have every right to do what you like but he felt a bit taken for granted I think, like you'd rather be anywhere other than with him and his kids and perhaps you do both have different expectations. 18 months is still fairly early days to blend families together until you really know you're in sync these upsets are a bit of a risk.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 17:12

I also think there is a communication issue here. Many posters on here are struggling to understand you, and you yourself say you weren't clear with him.

You need to set better boundaries, if you don't want him to stay, just say, oh it's not possible tonight I'll see you on ex date.

It seems he's saying one thing. You're agreeing and thinking another.

You need to be clear. His reaction was terrible and not ok, but it do accept it is frustrating for someone to be on the receiving end of this.

If you can't set clear boundaries or say what you want or don't want, then take some time away from dating until you can.

Alicenwonderland · 18/11/2019 17:31

As someone who's been in an abusive relationship with a controlling man I just think you need some time on your own. 3 months is very soon to meet someone else, it took me a year before I'd properly processed what had happened to me and for a long time I couldn't even consider being with anyone else. Abusive men screw up your boundaries, I couldn't stand anyone even advising me on things afterwards, I had to be completely in control for quite a while. I don't think anyone was particularly in the wrong, just crossed wires but the fact you resented having the kids there and wanted alone time means perhaps you have different expectations as to where your relationship is.

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 17:50

Some good comments, I should have been clearer with my plans. I was afraid to be honest I think as I knew he'd be grumpy and take offence. He's told me off on several occasions when I've worked and we could have seen each other. I'm just trying to earn extra cash to give my kids a good Christmas.

I just need bits of time alone. They also trashed my house on Saturday, games left out, stains on my window ledge, bathroom wet through.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 18/11/2019 17:55

He overreacted but you both behaved like dicks

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 18:12

You should never be scared in a relationship op. Just end it.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/11/2019 18:15

Get ride, OP. He’s not worth your effort or time. If he can’t understand that you need to work to give your kids the things they want or need, especially at Christmas, then he’s not worth it. Can you imagine the long term relationship if your families are combined? Five kids and a partner that doesn’t accept that he won’t always be the most important person?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/11/2019 18:16

Get rid, not ride, I think you’ve had enough of them for now. Blush

crispysausagerolls · 18/11/2019 18:32

Tbh I think it’s quite rude to just get up on a Sunday morning and say “I’m going spinning” and fuck off when you have a guest round. Then coming home and fucking off out again!

But I also think you didn’t leave enough time from leaving an abusive relationship before jumping into this one.

Elieza · 18/11/2019 19:08

Your communication was unclear, as it has been on this post, and you will know in future to be crystal clear about such things so expectations are not raised about staying the weekend if that wasn’t your plan.

I’d have been disappointed if you’d upped and gone spinning too, I’d be wondering why you didn’t want to spend time with me and be hurt.

I think the previous abusive relationship has left you unsure about where to draw boundaries. Perhaps counselling would help you with this. Presumably you felt like a man was yet again trying to control youre right to go exercise, where I see it as him just wanting to spend some time together, especially as there was a misunderstanding about your shift and you messed that up too. Looked like you didn’t care about time with him.

The guy wasn’t the one for you. To be honest I’d probably have been all “wtf” at you too, but I wouldn’t have thrown a key at anyone or sworn in front of dc.

Cuppachino · 18/11/2019 19:28

Yes I think you were wrong.

When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do

So you actually pied him off twice (3 times including work). No wonder he'd had enough.

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 21:27

After he'd had the arse with me again!!!!!! And only once before to work and earn money for Christmas FFS!!!!

OP posts:
Cuppachino · 18/11/2019 21:57

When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do

Well make up your bloody mind will you!! You said you fucked off to the spinning class and when you got back you declined his invite to go out with them...THAT'S TWICE.

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 22:10

I only went to spin because he insinuated I couldn't!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 22:11

Or shouldn't!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Proseccoinamug · 18/11/2019 22:24

I think you are in the wrong here, OP.

I have been in a relationship with someone recovering from an abusive marriage. She could be quite inconsiderate and dismissive of my feelings as she was always on hyper alert for signs of being controlled.

It doesn’t sound to me like your boyfriend was trying to stop you going spinning. Just that it was perhaps inconsiderate of you when he’d been waiting for you to get home from work. Did you not care about seeing him? Do you like him and want to be in a relationship with him?
There has to be give and take and you do have to prioritise other people sometimes.

I’d suggest that counselling might be a good idea for you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 22:31

I only went to spin because he insinuated I couldn't!!!!!

That's pretty childish.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 22:44

I'm a bit confused by you saying you only went spinning because he said you shouldn't, when in your op you say you proactively raised it, you got out of bed and said you were going spinning,

Look, if you don't want to see this guy, or not see him as much, don't. If he frightens you end it. You're a grown up. You need to deal.

PinkiOcelot · 18/11/2019 23:01

You’re post is as clear as mud to me tbh, so I can understand why he was confused.

Havaina · 19/11/2019 06:42

This is becoming a bit of a pile on isn’t it?

It’s pretty clear to me that this man is controlling and posters are ignoring that (as well as her house being trashed) in favour of berating OP Confused

MN can be a truly weird place at times.

I'm a bit confused by you saying you only went spinning because he said you shouldn't, when in your op you say you proactively raised it, you got out of bed and said you were going spinning

It’s not confusing at all. OP wanted to go spinning, he didn’t want her to go, OP says she therefore thought she won’t go, but then realised that this was similar to how her ex dictated her life for 11 years. His showed he wasn’t happy which made OP determined to continue her day as if these people hadn’t take over her Sunday.

sofato5miles · 19/11/2019 06:47

If I stayed for a w/e at a boyfriends, with my kids and he went out as if we weren't there I would feel pretty humiliated and hurt.

Havaina · 19/11/2019 06:56

@sofato5miles do you also stay the whole w/e at your boyfriend’s when you haven’t been invited?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.