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Original poster

Was I wrong?!

92 replies

Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 13:16

Long one.

So I left my emotionally abusive (small amount of physical abuse) Jan '18. Met, let's call him 'Jim' 3 months later online. We both have 2 kids from out previous relationships who get on well.

We've been together 18 months, all good, holidays, time together with extended families on both sides.

Anyway last weekend we were all at his (we only are able to get together every other month for whole weekends due to his shifts). I left Sunday am to give them a break (chaos with them all!!), chill time before the kids went back to their mothers, he had a nap 💤 after they'd gone back. All good.

Fast forward to this weekend, my eldest's birthday party. I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.

I normally work two set days and pick up an extra shift one day (nurse) to help with Christmas 🎄 etc.... originally I was booking Sunday but in error booked Saturday, hey ho, better for me to late to change it. Jim was cross as he wanted us to spend time together (plus his kids). Anyway I said sorry for messing up, he originally said I'm going home in a bit of a sulk but decided to crash at mine Saturday, I said well we can have a drink after I've finished work etc.

Sunday am his girl is sat in bed with us, not what I envisioned for my child free day off!!!! So I said I'm off spinning whilst you all get up and ready. He pipes up 'I thought you were spending time with up?' I think ok I'll go later.

Then I sit and think, I've had 11 year of ex dictating my life. I'm pissed off so I get up and say I'm going, he's obviously not happy. When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do. He storms off with kids, parting shot, you've treated my kids life second class citizens, fuck off and threw his key 🔑 at me!!!! I was in the process of saying let's talk later once kids in bed!!!! Heard nothing from him??!! I won't be contacting him!!!!

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 18/11/2019 14:05

I'm with collaborate. If anyone is controlling, it isn't him. He wanted to spend time with his girlfriend and his kids. He made the effort for your kids party. You didn't want to make the same effort to spend time with his kids because yours weren't there.
I'd be defending your treatment around my children if I was Jim too. Well done him for not putting up with it. Takes guts to say something. I dumped a boyfriend for only ever wanting to spend time with my kids when his own kid was there. That's not a recipe for children's happiness.

MsRomanoff · 18/11/2019 14:08

You invited him for Friday and Saturday night arranged work, then got up sunday morning and were going out?

I think he over reacted but I wonder how often he feels that you do this sort of thing.

I think you didnt communicate your plans properly and left him feeling like he and his kids had been invited and then spent the weekend doing whatever you could to avoid them.

He quite probably picked up on the "this is not how I saw my child free weekend going'. If do invited me and ny kids somewhere then I could tell he was annoyed my kids were there, I would be fucked off too.

TheMustressMhor · 18/11/2019 14:26

It sounds like there was a miscommunication from both sides here, OP.

Having said that, it was not very nice of him to throw the key on the bed and sear at you.

But you did invite him then went spinning.

What's spinning, anyway? Genuine question.

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/11/2019 14:46

So you invited them on Friday and Saturday- realised you had booked to work on Saturday and invited them to crash the extra night. I assumed he thought that meant you would all be together on Sunday. Off course you behaved badly. His children are important and you are seeing them as a total drag and inconvenience. Those supporting you would never say the same thing if a male was acting like this to a single mum.
You are not ready for a relationship, at least not with someone who has his own responsibilites.

Havaina · 18/11/2019 14:51

@Collaborate

I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.

That is definitely 2 nights.

I took this to mean OP arranged her kids to stay an extra night, not her boyfriend.

Havaina · 18/11/2019 14:54

@Bluntness100

I suggest you read the whole thing, she also says she invited him Friday through sat for the party then for an extra night after her kids went home. She then says she only said she wanted some time to rest on Sunday, why say that if you're expecting them to go home Saturday.

As per above post, I took it to mean OP arranged her kids to stay an extra night, not her boyfriend.

This is because OP mentions she is child free, so I think she wasn’t supposed to have kids on Friday night but arranged it with her ex.

Sagradafamiliar · 18/11/2019 14:56

It could all have been avoided if communication was better all round: you of your expectations and him as an adult, not a foul-mouthed toddler. If you really mean you aren't seeing him again, then good for you.

Bluerussian · 18/11/2019 15:01

You were not wrong, he is immature (though maybe insecure but he should know you by now).

Anyway, well done! You've made the right decision.
Wine

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 15:14

I arranged to have my kids an extra night-Friday so his kids could see mine. Not him and his kids an extra night!!!

He's pissed off I'm seeing friends next Saturday, he's got his, I should have mine but they are going to grandmas, I've not seen these friends for two years. Xx

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 15:20

It sounds like he’s been pushing for a closer relationship for sometime with more time spent together and you’ve not been up for that. This weekend (which I can see why he might think you were going to spend more time with them) probably felt like the final straw. It was poor behaviour on his part at the end, but it sounds like you may have had him on a bit of a string for a while too.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 15:21

Cross-post - I misunderstood the extra night thing. That makes the weekend much more about him overstaying and his upset seems much less understandable.

Original poster
Newmeboys · 18/11/2019 15:21

This has never happened before. I've spent quite a bit of time with him just his kids. I've had a shit week one thing and another and he knows that. I would have done something with them had he been more amenable about my spin class. A simple, I'll give the kids breakfast and get dressed whilst your out would have been fine.

I would have been happy with the afternoon to myself. Xxx

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 18/11/2019 15:24

It's obviously not meant to be, this relationship, you both want different things. Move on and forget about him now. You only 3 months between the end of your marriage and starting a new relationship, maybe you need to be footloose and fancyfree for a year or two this time, figure out exactly what you want.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 18/11/2019 15:25

although I understand you want to do what you want to do it was you that messed up in the first place & rather than spend Saturday with you (your fault) he probably thought he'd spend Sunday with you.

You sound a bit selfish in my opinion

Fedup21 · 18/11/2019 15:30

Your post is very confusing.

Maybe communication needs clearing up a bit between you both.

msmith501 · 18/11/2019 15:31

Tricky to be honest. On the one hand the argument / throwing of the key wasn't his finest moment. On the other hand... you decided on a change of plan based partially on how you've been treated in the past and therefore your reaction to the child in the bed and what followed.

.... if you could turn the clock back, surely it would have been better to actually discuss how you felt (quietly and jointly). This comes across as roughly 50:50 and the fact that neither of you couldn't engineer a mature discussion is a shame. It could be a really good learning exercise for you both if you could agree to discuss what you both could have done differently....

Josette77 · 18/11/2019 15:33

He didn't handle it the right way, but I'm glad he stood up for his kids. It sounds like you do find them an inconvenience and this was all down to poor communication.

ChicCroissant · 18/11/2019 15:39

You only have one weekend every other month together, and you spent one of those weekends working on the Saturday and went out to a gym class on the Sunday? So basically because you thought it was chaos at his and left early on the Sunday you wanted him to do that as well when he was at yours but didn't tell him and he didn't read your mind?

His reaction wasn't great I'll admit but the communication between you isn't either. Don't make him guess because as you've found out, you are likely to be disappointed.

Raphael34 · 18/11/2019 15:43

You are not well suited op. It’s a new relationship where you normally can’t get enough of each other. Yet you hardly see him and don’t have time for him even while he’s there. He’s looking for something more serious than what you’re providing

Sofast · 18/11/2019 15:46

Yabu. He made effort for your kids party and spent time all together but then once your kids weren't there you weren't bothered and wanted to do your own thing. That's how it looks. Better communication was needed

NormaBean · 18/11/2019 15:55

Miscommunication aside, after being in an abusive relationship I wouldn’t be keen to spend any time with someone who is so quick to lose his temper.

‘Fuck off’ and throwing a key at you instead of talking to you like a mature adult. No thanks.

Get rid. Work any shift you like, spin your legs off and enjoy doing your own thing.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/11/2019 15:55

You know what, even if the OP did accidentally fuck up, it gave him no right to behave like a dick. You’re better off without him OP and it sounds as if there’s more to it, than this one off incident, from the fact you compared him to your ex.

But for the love of Gaia, will you stop ending your posts with xx. It comes across as passive aggressive and this isn’t Nethuns!

loseyourself · 18/11/2019 15:57

Saturday I worked from 2 and anticipated he'd take the kids home then

and

decided to crash at mine Saturday, I said well we can have a drink after I've finished work etc

I can see why he was angry and you are not being clear here, you expected him to go home but suggested a drink after work. To be honest you could have given spinning a miss seeing as you messed up the plans you had made with him on the Saturday.

MisfitNinja · 18/11/2019 16:04

I can see how there might've been crossed wires with the staying and extra night and plans. But his reaction is completely out of order. Throwing your key back at you and swearing. In front of his kids!!

You are well rid!!

Flashbackflossie · 18/11/2019 16:05

It sounds a bit like a rebound relationship where you feel you need to have some company but you haven’t really given yourself time to adjust to your new circumstances as a single parent.
I definitely made this mistake and after a longer break on my own, I was much better at knowing what I wanted and what I needed in terms of a partner.

Maybe just focus on having a nice Christmas with your kids for now and prioritise taking care of yourself.

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