Keeping MIL out of my kitchen

[RoseTTT]

Every time MIL visits (once a month for a long weekend), she commandeers my kitchen. I used to be fine with it, but for the past few years, it has been driving me potty! She is a good cook, but uses every bloody dish/pot/pan and as she’s the cook, she expects 1) all of the praise and 2) to drink all of the wine whilst DH and I end up scrubbing the bloody kitchen for an hour afterwards.

She usually arrives around 5pm on a Friday and lets herself in. I come in from work at 6:15pm and I then have to bath and put our young DC to bed (as DH isn’t home till gone 8pm on a weeknight). MIL does none of the helping with the DC bath/bed (I have asked and she laughed). So really what I’m saying is that her “helping” in the kitchen is actually causing me more hassle and work.

How do I keep her out of my kitchen? Last time she visited, I was upstairs bathing DC and reading stories. It took me an hour. I came downstairs by 7:15pm, which was plenty of time for me to do the roast dinner I’d planned for 8:45pm....but without saying a word or any prompting, she’d already taken the ingredients I’d bought out of the fridge and nearly finished cooking something I didn’t want and using only half the stuff I’d bought. I didn’t want to eat at 7:15pm and DH wasn’t even home by that time!!

It is so infuriating.

Shall I just say “here’s a magazine and a bottle of red wine, go sit and don’t touch the kitchen whilst I’m upstairs”??! There are lots of things she does that piss me off, but the cooking one is really grating. Maybe I’m becoming more territorial as I age!

P.s. I’m quite a good cook and she could always have a snack if she’s hungry before dinner

Why do so few people on MN have a backbone?

8:45 sounds like a very reasonable time for diner, I am always amazed by people who need to have diner at 5 in the afternoon, even my kids have barely finished their snack by then

I couldn't be bothered to spend my Friday evening cooking, so I agree with above, I'd make sure the food is made in advance and MIL can't intrude any longer.

She is unbelievably rude if she ignores all your polite requests AND refuse to clean her mess!

(Actually, what I would do is buy some ready-meal from cook and serve that, but not everyone likes to eat ready meals, fair enough)

Why do so few people on MN have a backbone?

because as tempted as it can be to tell someone to their face to "fuck off" once and for all, most people acknowledge that a mother is relatively important for their husband and try to stay polite and diplomatic.

There are not many people who bother with their in-law ever again after a divorce, but when you are in a happy relationship, you make efforts, and it goes both ways.

Wait, who feeds the kids at 5?

Having a back bone doesn't have to equate to telling someone to fuck of...

I feel your pain. My MIL used to stay with us for up to three weeks and take it upon herself to say things like "I think we'll have chops tonight"

When I'd already decided what we were having. Tell her no.

Wait, who feeds the kids at 5?
that was in reply to the poster being all agitated at the idea to have diner at diner time 8:30pm

middleclassproblem you'd hate me. I feed my DC their main meal at 4.00pm when they're home from school.

It's ready as they walk in the door and they eat it gladly. They're starving by that point and it's better than a snack.

They have something light at about 7 and go to bed around 8.30pm.

Has she given you any clue as to why she’s doing this? Does she think she’s helping after your long day, etc, or is it really that she wants to eat earlier? Does the later meal mean she goes to bed later than she wants, for example? Does she assume you and her will eat, and then DH will warm his portion up when he gets home?

It’s weird she chooses to cook over bath and bedtime.

I’d get DH to kindly thank her for her previous cooking and tell her that you will now be doing the cooking so she mustn’t bother. If she tries to protest, just be firm. I wouldn’t mention the messy kitchen personally.

Repeat the message when she arrives. “Lovely to see you, MIL. Now you sit down and relax with this drink and a choice of snacks while I bath the DC, and then I’ll be making roast for 8.45pm when DH returns”.

@ LemonTT - 8:45pm isn’t eating “late at night”

It is to me, and to a lot of people. I eat lunch at around 12, and would feel sick if I had to wait nearly 9 hours until the next meal. A snack would put me off eating a proper meal.

I can't understand her preferring to cook rather than do bath and bedtime.

Oh, I can

I think the suggestions you have had so far are good

1. Prepare something that can be heated up, and leave a note specifying this
2. Order some shopping to be delivered after the time you eat, or on Saturday, so that your fridge won’t have very much in it
3. Leave a half bottle of wine out (hide the rest of your wine) and some snacks for her to help herself

Although, all of this could be completely avoided if she didn’t have a house key in the first place.

I feed my kids (and us) at 5 but that's because they're small and need to be in bed at 6.30pm/7pm on a school night. Pre-kids I would happily eat dinner at 9pm every night! Oh how the times have changed..

She's cooking with your ingredients? So run down the stocks before she arrives and either have something ready for the oven like a stew or lasagne, with nothing else in the fridge for her to cook with, or get a takeaway. Judge the situation and decide whether you confront her, tactfully mention the work involved in clearing up the mess, or just don't mention it but keep an empty fridge for the weekend.

Maybe she thinks she's helping, but surely she knows there's a lot of work in clearing up. Does her partner (if she has one) do all the clearing up at home?

Lamb in the slow cooker already.
Potatoes and veg all chopped and in cold water in their pans.
Then if she wants to interfere she can boil things.

And I'd leave a menu out detailing what's for tea.
And don't have anything else that goes with it so she can't get creative.

8.45pm for dinner, is very late IMO. I go to bed at 10pm, and it is never a good idea to go to bed on a full belly (especially not for the heartburn! ). We usually eat as a family sometime between 5.30pm and 6.30pm. Our circumstances allow it.

Obviously that isn't the case for everyone. Some prefer to eat later, and some earlier, and some have to feed the kids separately due to work timings etc.

So, on that note, I don't think it's reasonable for anyone to expect a guest to wait until that late to eat. So, based on that, I would just MIL that she is welcome to make something for herself, but that you have X meal planned for yourself and DH at 8.45pm which YOU will be cooking after the kids are settled. And again, she is welcome to eat that with you, but it won't be any earlier than 8.45pm. Give her the choice.

It does sound like she is just wanting to help (from the little info we have), so is there anything else she could help/do, that would actually be of assistance to you? Have a suggestion ready, so if she says 'oh, I wanted to cook so that I could help out', you will be able to suggest an alternative.

She probably thinks she's really helping, so I'd be careful about criticising too much. You need to be prepared and get the slow cooker out..... or make it the night before.

I feed my DC their main meal at 4.00pm when they're home from school.

you can do that if you are home, but most working parents are nowhere near home at that time - My kids haven't even finished any after school activity that early and are nowhere near home either.

It's just very unusual to be home in the afternoon. Plus it would mean having a super early lunch which is not practical for most of us either!

I am always amazed how early SOME people eat and go to bed in this country.

Who the fuck is home from work to be eating at 4 and 5pm in the day?! Seriously, that's mad unless you're a shift worker starting at, say, 5am?!

OnlyAGirl I am....I work from home.

I am too! Finish work at 3.30. It's a very normal office hour end here.

I’m not outraged at the kids timing, I’m just confused who to is with the kids then if OP isn’t home until after 6.

Just logistics! Not judging x

I do tea at all sorts of times between 4pm and 8pm, I didn't think there was a set time. I must have missed the memo.
Why do some people find it hard to understand that others are different to them?

Why can't you just talk her she's family? I thought you could say pretty much anything to family members?

Why do some people find it hard to understand that others are different to them?

because it's not something we have any experience of. None of the shops here close at 3, even the GP receptionists work until at least 7pm, the teachers car park is still full when we collect kids at 6pm, my commuter trains are empty at 4, packed between at least 6 and 8pm. Office hours are 9 to 6pm.

It's very unusual for people to be free and home at 4pm, unless they work shifts. It's also more than unusual for children not to be have a routine.

So yes, of course everybody is different, but there are next to no full time job where people can make diner at 4 or 5.

I always cringe when women refer to the kitchen as my kitchen.

Unnecessarily bitchy comment. It is OP's kitchen, not Mil's.

I also agree it's highly unusual for someone working full time to finish at 3:30! Earliest finish time is 5pm (but 6 more usual) for a full time job unless it's shifts.