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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Keeping MIL out of my kitchen

91 replies

RoseTTT · 18/11/2019 11:49

Every time MIL visits (once a month for a long weekend), she commandeers my kitchen. I used to be fine with it, but for the past few years, it has been driving me potty! She is a good cook, but uses every bloody dish/pot/pan and as she’s the cook, she expects 1) all of the praise and 2) to drink all of the wine whilst DH and I end up scrubbing the bloody kitchen for an hour afterwards.

She usually arrives around 5pm on a Friday and lets herself in. I come in from work at 6:15pm and I then have to bath and put our young DC to bed (as DH isn’t home till gone 8pm on a weeknight). MIL does none of the helping with the DC bath/bed (I have asked and she laughed). So really what I’m saying is that her “helping” in the kitchen is actually causing me more hassle and work.

How do I keep her out of my kitchen? Last time she visited, I was upstairs bathing DC and reading stories. It took me an hour. I came downstairs by 7:15pm, which was plenty of time for me to do the roast dinner I’d planned for 8:45pm....but without saying a word or any prompting, she’d already taken the ingredients I’d bought out of the fridge and nearly finished cooking something I didn’t want and using only half the stuff I’d bought. I didn’t want to eat at 7:15pm and DH wasn’t even home by that time!!

It is so infuriating.

Shall I just say “here’s a magazine and a bottle of red wine, go sit and don’t touch the kitchen whilst I’m upstairs”??! There are lots of things she does that piss me off, but the cooking one is really grating. Maybe I’m becoming more territorial as I age!

P.s. I’m quite a good cook and she could always have a snack if she’s hungry before dinner

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 18/11/2019 12:32

Just tell her straight. How have you let this go on for so long without doing so? Whay have you been pretending to be grateful for something you don't want?

Tell her 'I will be cooking dinner at x time, to serve at z time. Before then, you're welcome to help yourself to these snacks and make yourself comfortable. Offer her a glass of wine, let her top herself up (and have another bottle ready for you and DH if she's going to drink most of that. I can't bear hosts who are stingy with wine, based purely on their own consumption levels).

Cmagic7 · 18/11/2019 12:34

Argh... this would drive me mad!

In addition to leaving ready made things in the fridge to heat up, other times you can text her earlier in the day saying 'I'm going to make a curry tonight for when DP gets home, but if you're hungry before then, help yourself to some bread and cheese'. That way, you're not saying what she must to, but stating what you want to do - I think that's less likely to offend.

diddl · 18/11/2019 12:37

If she wants to eat earlier, can there be stuff for her to prepare just for her?

If it's not that, then it does seem that you might need to have meals ready in advance to just be heated!

RuggerHug · 18/11/2019 12:37

Tell her if she wants to help she can pay for the take away since that's what you've planned for Friday night? Obviously this involves an empty fridge so she can't so anything else, or say that you've planned what you're cooking so she can do wash up instead this time.

beethebee · 18/11/2019 12:37

Yep, give her instructions.

As you're going up to put DC to bed just say, 'Oh, btw, MIL, there's a fish pie (or whatever) in the fridge. If you could just stick it in the oven in 45 mins, that'd be great. And if you could decant the bag of salad into a bowl, we'll be all set for when DH gets home. Thanks so much.'

She really would be a CF to make something else after you've asked her for specific help like that.

gingersausage · 18/11/2019 12:38

I will never understand people who let others walk all over them because they are so worried about upsetting them. Does your MIL give a shit if she upsets or offends you? No. So why do you care if you offend her? Just tell her straight for gods sake 🙄.

OnlyAGirlsHorse · 18/11/2019 12:42

This would drive me mad.

I honestly don't think I could stand this or skirt around the issue. Just politely tell her!

'mil, stop letting yourself in, we're not even home from work before you're in. And I have dinner plans to be served when we are ALL at home in a state to eat it. If you're hungry, make yourself a snack'.

If it continues the only real solution is get the key back.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/11/2019 12:45

I can't understand her preferring to cook rather than do bath and bedtime.

My mother would kill to do bath and bedtime.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 18/11/2019 12:51

I always cringe when women refer to the kitchen as my kitchen.

Hmm

It is Op's kitchen. Not her MIL's. she isn't talking about her DH commandeering 'her' kitchen in their shared home. It gives clarity that the kitchen is in OP's home, not a house they share with MIL.

Would you also cringe if Op referred to MIL 'rearranging my living room'?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2019 12:51

All of these problems are of your own making. You allow her to have a key. You let stay for a long weekend every bloody month. You, for some bizarre reason, don't act like an adult and lay down the rules of your own home. The person you should be frustrated with is yourself.

TheOliphantintheRoom · 18/11/2019 12:54

51BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs

Hmm back at you

SandAndSea · 18/11/2019 12:57

I would get DH to message her before she next comes. Very briefly, let her know that you're looking forward to seeing her but aren't up for lots of pot washing so will be doing X.

loobylou10 · 18/11/2019 13:01

I always cringe when women refer to the kitchen as my kitchen*

Strange thing to say - it is her kitchen. I refer to the kitchen in MY house as MY kitchen

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 18/11/2019 13:04

It is Op's kitchen. Not her MIL's. she isn't talking about her DH commandeering 'her' kitchen in their shared home. It gives clarity that the kitchen is in OP's home, not a house they share with MIL.*

Thought this too Breasted.

My MIL is prone to making a mess in the kitchen and I went down the route of pre prepared lasagne/fish pie, it’s worked well. She’s out the kitchen and no awkward discussion.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 18/11/2019 13:05

Bold fail.

Bluerussian · 18/11/2019 13:06

Others have suggested you have something already prepared and that is an excellent idea.

I'm sure she only wants to help, you said you didn't mind originally so she is carrying on as she started.

Regarding her having a key to your house, either you or your husband must have given it to her at some point. It's not unusual for parents to have door keys to their children's houses, ours never did but I know many who did and as long as they didn't turn up out of blue (which they didn't), it was OK.

I am sorry it's all so stressful for you but it is only once a month.

(If you have something like cottage pie or lasagne already done, perhaps you and she could re-cook portions for the two of you earlier and your husband have his later.)

Autumntoowet · 18/11/2019 13:07

Well I would say “I am going to do bath and bedtime
We are eating at 8:45 and I have a meal planned that I will cook after they are down, see you in a bit”

Although I was direct like that towards my MIL and she didn’t like that. Not my problem, I was assertive and polite.

loobylou10 · 18/11/2019 13:11

@Sharonthetotallyinsane
bold fail from me too - but cross posts!

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 13:13

Leave a note on the table with instructions of what you’d like cooking, obviously buying the ingredients.

Or tell her that you don’t like her being in your kitchen.

Roselilly36 · 18/11/2019 13:13

My MIL also has a key to our home, so I can’t see it being that unusual.

My MIL is lovely too, and always has the best of intentions but sometimes it can feel overwhelming and intrusive, her son needs to speak to her before things get any worse, otherwise resentment will build.

It’s your home, she is family but also a visitor it’s not her home.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 18/11/2019 13:16

Yep, I'd do something like lasagne, ready to go in the fridge. When you get in say what time you are eating when dh gets back, but theres cheese/hummus etc available if she's hungry now.

You know what shes like, you dont want to have a confrontation, so this is the easiest way to head off her making problems in a way that looks like help.

If you are going to accept a monthly visit, you have to view this "MIL management" as part of that...

MadameLeFunky · 18/11/2019 13:16

I too call the kitchen my kitchen. I own it. I paid for it. It's mine.

I also think 8.45pm IS late for dinner and would rather skip dinner than eat at that time. Especially a full roast dinner.

However, if it bothers you then a simple request not to cook, along with your suggestion of wine and a good read, would seem the place to start.

StormTreader · 18/11/2019 13:21

Put a lock on the kitchen door!

tillytrotter1 · 18/11/2019 13:30

I always cringe when women refer to the kitchen as my kitchen.

It seems common on here to refer to house things as 'my', I've always loathed it and I'm 71! When my mother or mother in law would say something like 'Where's your ironing board' I had great fun saying something like 'Not sure, ask G where his is', really puzzled them.
I was horrified to hear my daughter refer to 'my curtains'.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2019 13:34

Tell her that the 'new rule' in the house is that whoever makes a mess cleans it up and that goes for her and the kitchen. She cooks, she cleans.

Or 'lose' your keys, get a new lock and not give her a key.

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