To move away from my husband and stay married

[SwedishK]

A little background info: I have lived with my husband for just over 20 years in his country, UK. I'm from Sweden and I've been so homesick for the last few years. Going there to visit for a week here and there doesn't seem to help, it just makes it worse. Brexit is another factor, I just don't feel welcomed in the UK anymore.

My question is, would I be totally unreasonable to move back home but not divorce my husband? Our youngest (out of 2) will finish his A-levels in a year and a half and has no intention of living with us after that. The oldest already lives and studies abroad.

My husband has a job where he works from abroad (different countries but not from Sweden) at least 2 weeks out of every month and I hate the thought of being home alone in our big 5 bedroom house when he's away. When he's not travelling he works 12 hour days Mon-Fri so I don't see him much even if he's not travelling.

I work too but I work from home and I can work from anywhere in Europe.

If we sold our home we could afford a 2 bed flat for my husband where we live and a 2-3 bedroom flat for me in Sweden. So, no big family home anymore. With this arrangement I reckon we could spend a couple of weekends together each moth + couples/family holidays a few times a year.

I am absolutely certain I don't want a divorce, I just want to live closer to my friends and my elderly parents. I do have friends here too but I'm not as close to them as I am to my friends back home.

If you were in my husbands position, how would you feel if your wife suggested this?

Have you got settled status/a British passport, OP?

dive I am not sure why op would be ironing his shirts, assuming he is a grown man and can do this himself no? She is not the housekeeper, she works full time.

I simply do not understand your post, he may prefer to come back to a clean house and cooked dinner, but in reality is that really worth compromising op's mental health? Op has described feeling lonely and depressed, and yet your main concern is that the house is clean, dinner is cooked and her husband is happy??!! It is 2019. The most important thing is that she is happy and contented, and she isn't. If he is not prepared to move to Sweden, then she should definitely spend time there whilst he is away, and he can and should do everything he can to support her. Someone that works away for two weeks out of four every month it is the very least he can do.

Op, go and have a happy life now, whilst your parents are still alive and you are young enough to hop from one country to another effortlessly.

You have the gift of a real opportunity to enjoy both worlds, I would take it with both hands.

He's used to coming home to a cooked meal, washed clothes, clean house etc. Because of his work I have sort of become a bit like his maid, not just his wife

Considermesometimes I’m not the one saying the OP should be doing this...the OP is saying this is what she does. The question was what do we think her DH will think about the prospect of her moving. We dont know him obviously and he might be very open to the idea but if he’s accustomed to being taken care of in the home and doesn’t even make plans to see his own family without her input then I can’t see him exactly jumping up and down with glee at the prospect. I’m not saying what I think he should do but what the reality may be. It doesn’t mean I don’t think she should go and live her life.

Am I missing the reason why he won't move to Sweden? Is it because he's in an office in UK 2 weeks a month? Could he not just commute those, and have a pied-a-terre wherever he works?

You only have one life SwedishK- we regret the things we don't do more than those we do.

Why does it matter what he thinks dive? Does he care very much that she is lonely and depressed? Has he changed any part of his life to make her happier? No, he has not.

So why shouldn't she go and find some happiness. Why on earth would she stay at home when he is not even there cleaning and preparing the house for his arrival like a maid?

Jesus christ, I thought the world had moved on. In most places it has!

I despair truly.

OP, organise a cleaner to come in and do the washing and cleaning, filling the fridge etc. whilst you and your husband are away.

Surely paying someone for 6 hours to do the above would cover it.

In all of this, that must be the easiest thing to resolve.

I don't have the answers but I completely get how you feel OP. I'm also from Scandinavia and pining to go back, but I have a husband and young child here in the UK so it's not really an option for me at the moment. I would like to take my family with me but my husband's job wouldn't permit it and it would be hard for him to find a new one abroad. I think in your place I would give it a go, get a holiday home type place in Sweden and have another place in the UK if at all possible, and see if you could make it work. Getting settled status/citizenship here first is a good idea in case you chance your mind or just want to try something else.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you both. It's terrible missing your home and feeling stuck.

@Cherrysoup
I have neither at the moment. I have applied for SS but it hasn't been approved yet. A small part of me still has hope that Brex(sh)it won't happen:)

If I were to move I would make sure I'd get British citizenship before I go, if I get a small holiday flat and remain officially living in the UK (would be better for tax reasons too) I'd just have SS (provided it's approved but I can't see why it wouldn't).

@PonderTweek
Sorry to hear you're in the same position. Hopefully life will work itself out for you too so you can have more flexibility. I agree though regarding the small kids, it's pretty much impossible to do anything until they grow up and move out. Unless of course you the other parent wants to move too.

@bsc
He just doesn't like it that much. He hates the long dark winters, doesn't speak the language and I think he'd be miserable if I made him live there. That wouldn't be good for either of us. When he isn't travelling he would have to be in the UK so he wouldn't have any time in Sweden really. I have a much more flexible job.

I would love to have a fully flexible job.... you’re very lucky ( or organised ) to have that as an option. I hope you can work something out that suits you all.

I think he is pretty selfish to work so much and expect you to stay at home being his housekeeper, with no friends/family nearby for support and company. He works away half the time, and even when he is around, he works 12 hour days. So you're barely getting any couple/family time as it is. I'm surprised you've lasted ~20 years like this tbh.

I really wouldn't want a husband who worked so much (both working away and long hours when at home) and I wouldn't blame you at all for finding somewhere to live in Sweden and spending time there when he is working away.

Your main concern seems to be what your husband is going to think, but I think you need to stop worrying so much about his needs and start thinking more about yours.

As for the PPs who have told you to find a housekeeper/cleaner for him... can't he do that himself?!

We spent our entire married life seeing one another only at weekends until April. So 21 years. It sounds like an excellent plan to me, could you trial it for six months before you make permanent changes? I’d love it personally.

I think the lack of a family home might be the clincher. Effectively you are talking about breaking your home into two parts, one for you, one for him. How would you get together as a family, eg Christmas, special birthdays? What do your DC think of the plan?

I think you need to commit to one of those being your family base, and the other being a satellite. Otherwise, sorry, but I think you are heading for divorce.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas
This was my worry. I do like having a base, one that's big enough to house the kids too occasionally. I now think the best idea is to keep the house, or downsize slightly, in the same area we are in and have a second home in Sweden that I can go to whenever I feel like it. For some reason I hadn't thought of that until someone mentioned it in this thread.

I think that would be a very workable plan.

Effectively the Swedish place would be a bolt hole for you and maybe even a potential holiday home for the family. Even if it's tiny, if you can cram everyone in for a week you could have wonderful times there. And your DC would get to experience your Scandinavian culture. But you would have a permanent family base which you and your DH could occupy as your lifestyle allowed.

@AnotherEmma
He doesn't demand that I do these things, throughout the years it has just fallen on me because of his work demands. We have had cleaners off and on but now when the kids are older I just like them to do some of the housework so for the last 5-6 years I've done maybe 60%, kids 30% and husband 10% of it.

And yes, family time is very limited, a few weekends a month if we're lucky. Plus holidays of course.

I do have friends where we live and I'm not depressed or anything, I just miss home.

The first few (like 10) years the inequality in our marriage was a constant cause for arguments and me coming from a country which is more equal than the UK even I found it really hard to stomach. Then when the kids were small I really enjoyed spending time with them so work for me wasn't prioritised as much as perhaps it could have been but in return I got quite a stress free life and I have never had to worry about making enough money etc. I have somehow managed to get a good-ish career anyway and I'm happy with what I've got now.

I honestly have a much better and relaxing life than my husband and I have told him multiple times that if he wants to slow down I'm more than happy to downsize of whatever is needed. He's just one of those people who loves to work and he gets huge satisfaction out of it.

We're different and have different priorities and we've decided to live with it I suppose.

My dh and I live apart, he in Sweden andI in UK. He comes back every weekend or I go over! With ground rules, totally doable! Good Luck xx

I think these days we should embrace such arrangements. It seems to make good sense and so what if it's unorthodox! It might give your marriage a nice new dynamic at a time when otherwise you would be alone in an "empty nest".

Also I'm so sorry Brexit has made you feel that way

Op, I think this idea has come to you for a reason. You feel the need for change now. I had a similar instinct about 6 years ago and it all worked out really well. I say bring the conversation to the table. Its a valid and workable idea and I think you should go for it.

I would go for it too.

He can come out in the summer months with you for longer periods, if and when he decides to slow down.

You sound very different in a sense, that his career satisfaction and money seem more important to him than you, you seem more focused on being happy and quality time together. It sounds like you have already compromised for a very very long time, so now it is time to enjoy your own priorities and hopefully he can join you along the way

I lived overseas for seven years, being homesick is really horrible. It comes and goes in waves, if you can have both options then why not.