To move away from my husband and stay married

[SwedishK]

A little background info: I have lived with my husband for just over 20 years in his country, UK. I'm from Sweden and I've been so homesick for the last few years. Going there to visit for a week here and there doesn't seem to help, it just makes it worse. Brexit is another factor, I just don't feel welcomed in the UK anymore.

My question is, would I be totally unreasonable to move back home but not divorce my husband? Our youngest (out of 2) will finish his A-levels in a year and a half and has no intention of living with us after that. The oldest already lives and studies abroad.

My husband has a job where he works from abroad (different countries but not from Sweden) at least 2 weeks out of every month and I hate the thought of being home alone in our big 5 bedroom house when he's away. When he's not travelling he works 12 hour days Mon-Fri so I don't see him much even if he's not travelling.

I work too but I work from home and I can work from anywhere in Europe.

If we sold our home we could afford a 2 bed flat for my husband where we live and a 2-3 bedroom flat for me in Sweden. So, no big family home anymore. With this arrangement I reckon we could spend a couple of weekends together each moth + couples/family holidays a few times a year.

I am absolutely certain I don't want a divorce, I just want to live closer to my friends and my elderly parents. I do have friends here too but I'm not as close to them as I am to my friends back home.

If you were in my husbands position, how would you feel if your wife suggested this?

@DeathStare
Yes, that would be possible. I would like to spend more time in Sweden than UK though. I want that to me my primary home...for a while.

I think there’s a high chance it would end in divorce.

If we didn’t have dependent children I would be happy doing this. Sounds freeing. What’s the harm in discussing it?

I think the oy way it would work is if you're together in the UK every weekend he's home (you like here more, you both have friends here), Fri to Mon so you get a full two days together. When he's away it makes no difference to him so it would oy be Mon- Thur eve when he's home so 8-10 nights a month. Plus the longer periods of AL together.

If your UK place is also in such a central to transport links place OP then I don't see the problem at all! London-Stockholm for instance wouldn't be that much hassle at all.

I have lived in a different country to my husband for the last 8 years. We fly almost every weekend though (1 hour flight plus 90 mins train journey). We both always fly Thursdays and Sundays and ususally take it in turns to fly so we get a long weekend together and we spend all holidays together. It works well for us. In fact he is coming back to live here permanently in March and I'm not sure how I feel about that! I like my few days a week alone.

Work colleague did this. They divorced signing the three years. No experience of it myself but I wouldn’t do it personally. I have little children though.

Do it. Funnily enough, I’ve just recently met and chatted to someone who lives in one European country while her DH lives in another. They both work in jobs involving travel, so would be apart quite a bit anyway. They visit each other when they can. it works for them.

I’m slightly tempted sometimes, I have to say; although DP is a bit tied to the UK work wise, I can work more flexibly. But for us I think the costs of living and travelling wouldn’t work, sadly. If you can afford it though...

@Tinkobell
That's what I'm thinking too. Rather than being at home waiting for husband to come home from travel/work I'd like to have something I'm doing for myself. I do feel a bit guilty for my kids not having a place which feels like home to come home to on weekends etc. I always appreciated coming home to my childhood home for visits.

I can go with my husband on his trips and sometimes I do. It's just the same as home though where he works until late and then gets up early to get to the office so it's an even lonelier existence than I have at home. If he goes somewhere fun like New York or LA I sometimes go with him though but out of the 16 hours awake I might get 2 or 3 with him.

If you don't want a divorce and do want to retire together, without breaking up the family and selling the family home, could you just travel to Sweden more often, like whenever he is away on a business trip you go away too. Perhaps rent a smaller pied a terre rather than a buy a 2-3 bed apartment, or airBnB.

It sounds like a really good to me. I think your husband will see your POV unless he’s not good with empathy.

My dh and I had a long distance relationship for some time and it worked really well.
If he can put aside any rigid viewers of what a marriage “ should” look like , think he should be up for giving it a try.
As for only two weekends a month not sustaining your relationship, it will be quality time where you can focus on each other, which is a lot more sustaining than meeting in the kitchen while rushing to work.

In your position I would first get my UK nationality so that that is not a problem when I try to move back.

20 years is a long time. People change, things change. I miss my country and family back home but in all honestly after 10 years things have changed there and people have moved on. I am close to my family but it wont be the same if I move back. They have their own lives and it will take time to integrate again. Spending one week here and there is quite different to completely move there. Try a few months before you take the plunge. It's the idea of what it could be that is fascinating to you, the reality might be different.

I also don't think staying apart for that long would be good for your marriage. People need company at home when they come back from work and it can get very lonely. Even if you don't interact with each other, it's the presence of the other person that can be comforting. What would you do if your husband doesn't agree with your plan?

Istad of waiting for him why don't you just visit your home country when your husband is travelling abroad? I think that would be much better.

Downsize in the UK and you spend the 2 weeks out of every month he's away in Sweden?

I'm so sorry you dont feel welcome in the UK any more (my husband is from a European country and feels the same). Please remember half the country is completely devastated about Brexit!

Anyway obviously we don't know your husband, but if my husband suggested this to me when we didn't have children (and he was often travelling and I enjoyed my independence and we had separate social lives) I'd still have been very upset and would have thought he'd have been trying to end the relationship.

Is there another alternative? Downsize in the UK anyway and buy a place in the UK and a smaller flat in Sweden for you to spend one weekend a month and holidays in together? Agree to retire there? Would he move there in a few years?

I also think getting your uk citizenship, then renting a flat where you want to be and flying there everytime your husband is away is a good starting plan. It will cost you a fair amount of money on flights and rent but I have always seen that as a necessary cost of our marriage. I only agreed to do it after ensuring we would fly weekly and have two permanent homes where we could leave stuff and both feel equally at home in both locations.

@filka
That actually gave me an idea. I suppose I could officially live here and buy a smaller place in Stockholm (like a studio or 1 bedroom) which I could Airbnb for a couple of weeks a month initially. I'd like somewhere that feels like home where I can have some of my clothes etc so wouldn't want to stay in a hotel or rent others Airbnb properties.

Unfortunately the rental market in Stockholm is a nightmare. It takes about 20 years to get a rental apartment in Stockholm (no joke) or you can get a sublet but it's usually never more than 12 month contracts as owners aren't allowed to sublet for more than that. It's also very difficult to get these contracts as there's usually 100s of people who wants them. I did it for a few years in my late teens/early 20s and I moved every 6 months for 3 years until I moved to the UK. It's super complicated and frustrating.

@SwedishK it sounds like you have a really good, healthy relationship so why not talk to him about it? Stockholm is gorgeous. I'd live there! I think, on reflection, my first husband and I lived in each other's pockets a bit too much sometimes. I think that was because that's what we thought a relationship meant and we were 18 when we got together and 21 when we married. By 38 I was widowed. It probably wasn't as healthy a relationship as yours sounds and I think we would have been happier if we'd been more independent.

There is a lot of assumptions in this society about what a relationship and a marriage should look like. That's fine for some people, fine for some people at certain times of their lives - but people are different and people do grow and need different things at different points in their lives. At this point this is what you need and, you know what, that's ok.

I wouldn't suggest it to my spouse, I would discuss with them how I was feeling very homesick/lonely/unhappy and discuss all the different options that are possible/acceptable to both of you as a couple (if you want to stay together).

I assume you won't leave before your youngest completes their A Levels, so you have plenty of consider different suggestions and even try traveling to Sweden more often while your spouse is travelling to see if it helps, or could you spouse reduce their travel in anyway? If they know how badly it is affecting you they may consider changing jobs.

Going straight in with a suggestion that you sell the family home, move countries and live separately in flats sounds like you are either moving the family to Sweden or even splitting up by stealth.

A colleague of mine was Australian. She live here (UK), her husband lived there.

They shacked up together Down Under during the University breaks.

She said that different hemispheres was the best way to be married.

Not sure if it would suit me, though.

Your idea sounds wonderful whether you rent or buy but you need to factor in illness.

I know someone (in their forties) with two homes and one person developed DVT therefore flying was not possible. They had to sell the second home.

I was living abroad (USA). And needed gall bladder surgery it was difficult to schedule with work commitments and the 6 weeks recuperation time after surgery.

We have also lived apart , he was in Stockholm and came back most weekends it was very tiring and after 18 months he changed employment.

Good luck as you have difficult choices with no wrong or right answer.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh
Thank you Leigh, we do have a very good and stable relationship. Hasn't always been that way but the last 5-6 years has been really good and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that. Hopefully, I can find a good way to make us both happy. I will talk to him, I just needed to check that I wasn't completely bonkers even just thinking this was a good idea first.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, but what about renting somewhere in Sweden for a year and spending your time whilst he travels there. Then you can see what you think?

@BrokenWing

This:

"Going straight in with a suggestion that you sell the family home, move countries and live separately in flats sounds like you are either moving the family to Sweden or even splitting up by stealth."

You're absolutely right. It's too much. I have realised after reading all the lovely replies that it doesn't need to be so drastic. I can just get a little place and I can spend more time there over a couple of years (after kid moves out) to see if I really like it as much as I think I will. Once my son is done school we will also be better off financially as we won't have anymore school fees to pay so it should be doable.

Hmm it sounds great but everybody I know who has been in a ldr has struggled. Yes its great when you are together but unless it is every weekend it hasnt been sustainable. What happens if they have something on when it should be a weekend together. What happens if they want to talk a problem through with someone. If you aren't there on a regular basis the chances are that the closeness will go.