To move away from my husband and stay married

[SwedishK]

A little background info: I have lived with my husband for just over 20 years in his country, UK. I'm from Sweden and I've been so homesick for the last few years. Going there to visit for a week here and there doesn't seem to help, it just makes it worse. Brexit is another factor, I just don't feel welcomed in the UK anymore.

My question is, would I be totally unreasonable to move back home but not divorce my husband? Our youngest (out of 2) will finish his A-levels in a year and a half and has no intention of living with us after that. The oldest already lives and studies abroad.

My husband has a job where he works from abroad (different countries but not from Sweden) at least 2 weeks out of every month and I hate the thought of being home alone in our big 5 bedroom house when he's away. When he's not travelling he works 12 hour days Mon-Fri so I don't see him much even if he's not travelling.

I work too but I work from home and I can work from anywhere in Europe.

If we sold our home we could afford a 2 bed flat for my husband where we live and a 2-3 bedroom flat for me in Sweden. So, no big family home anymore. With this arrangement I reckon we could spend a couple of weekends together each moth + couples/family holidays a few times a year.

I am absolutely certain I don't want a divorce, I just want to live closer to my friends and my elderly parents. I do have friends here too but I'm not as close to them as I am to my friends back home.

If you were in my husbands position, how would you feel if your wife suggested this?

@fairislecable
Thank you, that's some good points. I don't see it as a permanent solution, I know it isn't, and when it's no longer working for the both of us (financially, emotionally or practically) I would move back to the UK and be appreciative that he was nice and open minded enough to give me the option.

Honestly, I know couples that have done long-distance relationships and over times their relationships always drift apart. I completely get your reasons but think you need to accept long-term your marriage may suffer.

@sweeneytoddsrazor
Yes, we did start our relationship with it being long distance for 2 years. I lived in Stockholm and he lived in London. Back then our finances weren't as good and we saw each other once a month and it was agony. We were at a different stage in our relationship then (obviously) and craved much more physical contact but I think after 22 years we're a bit more relaxed. I do think though that some of the closeness will go but we would probably spend much more quality time with each other if we only have 5-6 days a month together. The time we don't spend together we can spend doing things that wouldn't normally have involved the other person.

If you were in my husbands position, how would you feel if your wife suggested this?

I would think you had massively jumped the gun, and I wouild feel very hurt and offended. Have you spoken to your DH, told him you are lonely, that you feel you are rattling round in the big house, that you miss your family, that you feel unwelcome in the UK.... And do you miss your husband, spending so little time together, or is this semi-detached relationship what you really want for the next 20 years? Do you two ever talk together about (both of) your feelings and your hopes and dreams for the future?

First lay the problem out. Then start to think of solutions together. If you jump straight to the solution, whether that is "I want to sell the family home and move to Sweden, have two separate houses" or "I want to spend half my time in Stockholm" you might as well say "fuck this there's nothing left in our marriage". Your plans are not the problem - either one may work for both of you! - it's that you haven't talked about the feelings behind the plan and then worked the plan out together.

It sounds like a reasonable arrangement to me. My in laws had a simmilar arrangement when FiL got a promotion abroad and MiL stayed behind to take care of elderly parents. It wasn’t a permenant move though ( about 8 years I think). They are a strong couple just about to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary... The only difference is that MiL stayed in the family home which might have made a difference?

Definitely talk to him about how you feel. Don't present him with your solutions immediately, but listen to see how he feels and whether he has any ideas for how to move forward.

Perhaps one solution would be for you to rent and work in Sweden when he's away on business? Would it have to be central Stockholm? It might mean selling up and buying a smaller house in the UK, but it might be a solution until you retire.

Ldr when you haven't lived together are completely different to suddenly doing it when you have been living together. In your case you have been together a long timeso that makes it harder still. Add in there is no definite timescale and retirement is a long way off I think its a recipe for disaster. Plenty of things happen at a weekend that might prevent you spending some time together. Then resentment creeps in.

My DH had to go to UK , Mon - Fri , home on weekends. While I thought that we were doing a good job and I was holding the family home together, he missed his home comforts a lot. And said he felt disengaged from me.
Which resulted in him having enough time on his hands to get involved in an EA.
Living as seperate entitys can result in losing that couple feeling.
I am looking at divorcing him in the near future.

@sweeneytoddsrazor
Yes, maybe it would be different being in a ldr now. I think the best option might be to have a second home (like a very small holiday home) in Stockholm that I can go to when he's travelling. That way, I can't see it having much impact on our relationship, we could keep the house here etc and I wouldn't feel so lonely when he's away plus I get to spend more time with my parents and siblings.

I'm really glad I started this thread, it's made things a lot clearer.

We have married friends who live in different countries and it suits them very well. They have a brilliant time when they're together, and can each make their career progression choices (unusual industries) without having to worry about the other. So if one is offered, let's say, a 9 month contract in Portugal and the other gets a permanent post in Oslo, it's much easier to decide.

OP,

It is the most awful feeling being homesick, but know you can't move back to where you really want to be.

I think you need to do this for you.

I definitely would start the conversation that you are thinking about what the shape of your future might be, when your youngest moves out.

Your husband has made his choices, I think you deserve more that being the little woman who keeps house, fire and washing machine going while he's away!

No doubt he might not be happy initially, but you have the right to be happy where you live, even some of the time.

I think a little studio flat in Stockholm would be fabulous. Gorgeous city.

Trading down to a long term small home that is also very central would be great.
Once you have spare bedrooms for the children they will be happy. Particularly if you choose a great, convenient location.

Definitely start the conversation.
But I would do some prep work as to what this might all cost to give you an idea of feasibility.

Either way, do not continue to live your life missing your home country when you have a husband who is away so much.

Hopefully your husband will hear what you are saying and try with you, to find a plan that works for ye as a couple.

In a heartbeat I would invest in a small bolthole in Sweden, either by downsizing your current house (you no longer need a big house now the children are moving out) and I would fly there when dh was away on business and return when he is back. On the more exciting trips I would probably go with him.

I would try to keep a room for the children in whatever house you buy in England as you never know when your children may need to come back and live.

The bolthole in Sweden can also be used for holidays when you or your children need a break. I think it is perfect.

I don't think you should stay here when you are feeling so homesick if your husband is away so much, take that time to enjoy your home country and see your parents and friends.

No need for a retirement plan just yet, you are years away from that, just get your life the way you like it now. After all we only have one life!

I am going through a similar mid life crisis, questioning lots of things about career and whether I want to continue living in the UK. Kids are much younger though and DH and I come from different continents.

In your position I will sell the house and buy two flats one in Sweden and one in the UK. Live in Sweden the 2 weeks your husband is working abroad and in the UK when he is there. It seems to me that he is very busy with his job and you are finding yourself a bit more lonely now that kids are growing up, so that’s when you start missing more your real friends and family. You are fortunate Sweden is not that far and that you can work from anywhere. Give it a try and see how it goes. Do you really have to make Sweden or the UK your permanent home. Lots of people live in two countries.

OP I think you’ll find the move liberating and invigorating but I don’t think your DH will. He will now be travelling and coming back to the UK and having to sort out all the things that you have been handling up until now. I think he might find that a complete shock to the system. Then on top of the additional workload and his work travel he has to navigate travel to and from Stockholm. I think if you’ve always done that then it’s fine but to have that introduced after this amount of time might make him resentful. It doesn’t mean I think you’re being unreasonable though. I think if you marry a foreign national you should expect at some point that they will want to go back ( even if temporarily). I think you should be wary about how the current arrangement suits him and how little incentive there will be for him to change to your proposed plans.

I think your plan of a small bolthole in Sweden and keeping the family home sounds like a great solution. With all his travel you already don't see him everyday. It wouldn't make any difference to him whether your in Sweden or the UK when he's working away. If your back in the UK when he is that sounds like the best of both worlds to me. Make sure the bolthole has easy access to a train station or easy route to the airport. It makes travelling there so much easier. As I said earlier I am sorry to be losing our European house but I am looking forward to not spending hours at airports every two weeks. Maybe we should think about selling the house and getting a small flat there too.

While I can see the attraction in the idea, I am another cautionary tale.

DH of 20 years moved back to his home town for work earlier in the year.

We had a fabulous relationship. We were the flagship of strong, stable relationships.

The comfort of home surroundings seems to have made him yearn for simpler times and he left me 3 weeks ago.

Think very carefully about how you keep connected, while apart.

But op is already apart from her dh much of the time, why does she have to sacrifice her own life to tend to the house admin? So what if he doesn't get to come home to the scent of cooked bread and all the bills paid? The mental health and life experience of the op is far more important than this!

Divebar you give the impression that it is op's sole purpose in life to facilitate others. It is 2019 and she has done this for the last 20 years, it is high time she enjoyed her life, spent time with her own family and spares herself the loneliness of being left behind for half the year.

Her dh could always find another job and spend his time in the UK with her, if it is so important to him that she is here all of the time, and they could enjoy long weekends and holidays in Sweden together....he hasn't offered to do that to my knowledge, so really can not expect her to give up her life to let his carry on as he wishes unhindered.

I also may add that if op's dh truly loves her, then he will want her to be happy and will support her idea of a little flat in Sweden whilst he is away. He has the option of moderating his own travelling time, job, and indeed location to be with her if he wishes.

I will probably end up missing the UK terribly after about 5 years (my usual pattern) but we have moved around a lot within the UK so I don't really have anywhere here that feels like home properly. Which is probably a reason why I miss Sweden, it's where I have my roots. It's not necessarily because it's better there than here

I don't think this is just about where to live / spend free time. You sound generally quite unsettled and unsure what you want

I think the solution of having a small replace in Stockholm where you can go whenever he travels/you feel like it is perfect. I'm from another Scandinavian country and my bf is British. I'd love the option to be able to work from where ever when feeling like it. Unfortunately neither of us have a work from home opportunities.

he hasn't offered to do that to my knowledge,

They haven't talked about any of this at all to our knowledge. It's a solution to a problem he doesn't even know they have.

It's really sad that she has come to a bunch of strangers on the Internet with a plan, seemingly before breathing a word of her feelings to her DH. That suggest that emotionally they may be pretty much divorced already.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies
Really sorry to hear that!

@AmaryllisNightAndDay
The reason I started this thread is because I don't know anyone who has ever done this and I didn't know if I was completely bonkers for thinking it could even be a possibility. I have had a mixed bag of reactions and I can see that for some it would be an absolute no whereas for others it would be OK. It doesn't mean that me and my husband are emotionally divorced already. If we were I would just leave him and move back home. I very much love him but wasn't sure if it would be an unreasonable ask to live separately.

You are right that we haven't had the discussion yet. Which turns out to be good as I've got some really good ideas from here on how to make the situation better for the both of us without having to give up the family home etc which was one of my concerns.

@Considermesometimes

You misunderstand me - I don’t think it’s her sole job to facilitate others but it sounds like that’s what she’s been doing. So DH has been able to travel and come back to a nice clean house with his dinner cooked and shirts ironed. I would imagine he will be less than thrilled to have his wife absent and the responsibility to undertake all that himself when he’s used to having someone do that for him. I personally think they’d both ideally be based in Sweden for a period but that doesn’t seem to an option so I presume his work ties prevent that. ( or there’s some other reason I’ve missed along the way).

Dear lord @SwedishK, I don't even know you but I know there's more to you than "I have sort of become a bit like his maid, not just his wife. I don't really mind this as it suits my personality".Whatever you do whether its move the family home to Sweden, spend more time there or some other solution please aim higher for yourself.