You chose to have kids

[Significantudder]

Maybe my extreme tiredness is making me unduly cranky today but AIBU to be able to state that I am tired without being told “you chose to have kids”?

Yes I did chose to have kids, and it was a long and hard journey to have them. I was aware they would impact my lifestyle and I’m absolutely overjoyed to have them but it doesn’t mean I can’t ever say I’m tired!

Applies to other areas of life impacted by being a parent too.

[Rainbowtheunicorn]

And YANBU- they were rude.

[Goldenbear]

And actually, I see nobody hasn't acknowledged the sentiment of my post that pointed out that you can be sleep deprived with a baby and 'in addition' have elderly parents to look after, shop for, be an insomniac, have chronic pain etc those are the people that must be very tried indeed. Having a baby and other things in your life that cause tiredness are not mutually exclusive!!

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Never occurred to me that I wasn’t allowed to be tired just because someone else was

Of course you're allowed to be tired. Everyone is allowed to be tired for whatever reason they have. It's just that sometimes some parents (not accusing you) think that they have more right to be tired than non parents. to be honest, we get really sick of that on top of all the other little judgements thar some parents make about us and our lives, that we automatically go on the defensive. It doesn't mean we aren't sympathetic.

However. I too silently judge people who go out drinking until 3am and then complain they are tired and can't work easily the day after.

[ign0re]

Sorry if it's already been said but I saw a meme similar to this the other day...

the response you should give it

"I SAID I'M TIRED, NOT THAT I HATE MY KIDS, KAREN!'

I imagine that would shut them up

[caranconnor]

@rainbowtheunicorn I was majorly ill in my mid-twenties for 3 years, but still working. I have never known tiredness like that.

[caranconnor]

@Goldenbear Nobody said it was. What I said is it is not a competition. Just listen to people and acknowledge.

[Goldenbear]

Leighhalfpennysthigh, again another poster ignoring my post stating that you can be a parent who is tired for all the reasons non parents are tired and in addition you have the sleep deprivation from the baby.

[Lweji]

I chose to have a trouble free child, who didn't cry at all, and slept all night.
DS had other ideas.

It might be worth asking Person A what's her excuse for her moodiness. If she ever complains about her job/husband/life, tell her that she chose them.

[Goldenbear]

You are saying the OP has to listen to her why does this other person not have to listen to the OP and acknowledge. It works both ways.

[QueSera]

I hate it too OP. I have one (purposely childfree) friend who, if I ever mentioned anything negative about being pregnant and then raising my DC, helpfully tells me to suck it up as it's a "self-inflicted injury".
Some people - like the one who said "you chose to have kids" to you - are just really insensitive and/or nasty. Just ignore them OP. x

[minisoksmakehardwork]

I never said conversations were a competition @caranconnor You said it was oneuomanship, which implies you saw the conversation as a competition...

Could you please explain how my comment to send one back was rude? I am the person who has twins. I wasn't telling anyone else to send one back.

[havingtochangeusernameagain]

Parenting is very hard work and personally I am amazed that people have more than one child (I happily have an only child, by choice). I do get quietly irritated by people who have more than one child and then go on and on about the expense, tiredness, lack of free time, sibling quarrels etc etc. However I would never tell someone ‘you made that choice’ (even if I secretly think it) Completely agree with this!

[caranconnor]

@Goldenbear Yes the other person also has to listen and acknowledge. That is what a conversation involves.

[Rainbowtheunicorn]

I have one (purposely childfree) friend who, if I ever mentioned anything negative about being pregnant and then raising my DC, helpfully tells me to suck it up as it's a "self-inflicted injury".

Wow I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. I need to be able to complain about my life to my friends and that includes talking about parenting struggles!

[havingtochangeusernameagain]

However. I too silently judge people who go out drinking until 3am and then complain they are tired and can't work easily the day after This too!

[caranconnor]

@minisoksmakehardwork I think the comment about which one should you send back was very snarky. Fine if you don't want to communicate with that person again. But it is antagonising the situation.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

@Goldenbear I wasn't ignoring your comment, I just posted before I saw it. As I said before, anyone can be tired for whatever reason. That includes parents.

[GrimalkinsCrone]

My sister used to say that she’d ordered the model with the snooze button, anti-posseting switch and baby-fresh scent, but they’d delivered the wrong one and weren’t accepting calls.
So she was stuck with a sleepless fart monster.

[SleepingStandingUp]

That is true, that may have been her opening remark to tell you about a more serious problem/worry she has and you shut her off by implying she is not having it that bad as you do because you have a child)
OP only implied she had it worse if you are massively projecting what you think she must have meant because she must be a self absorbed cow because she has kids. Maybe op was about to say her baby has a raging fever and her partner is up a&e with her right now, or that the sleepless night tops off a weekend where something awful happened? And A rudely shit her off instead of enquiring why baby was awake?

[ActualHornist]

It is annoying.

I get the opposite though. My kids are 8 and 10, so if I’m up late it’s totally by choice!

[ActualHornist]

....but people seem to always give me sympathetic ‘oh it must be hard with three kids’ and I’m like sure but I was up playing Sims

[OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg]

I don’t think you were over sensitive at all - just dealing with an insensitive/aggressive/dumb person.

I agree with this. If I'd been Person A or B I wouldn't have thought anything odd about your reply. You were asked a question, you answered it. Presumably at some point you or Person B would have asked Person A how she was. You're allowed to be tired because your baby isn't sleeping well; you're allowed to be tired for any other reason too. Person A needs to grow up a bit.

[Awaywiththepiskies]

I have a friend who does the "oh, it's SO tiring being a parent" and if I happen to say "I'm feeling shattered today" out trots "oh, you don't know what tired is unless you're a parent"

I hate that competitive tiredness thing from parents. But there’s no point in playing them at that game. I just shut up - I think sometimes people who say that sort of thing led pretty shallow lives before they had children.

And to be fair, it is shattering dealing with babies and small children.

But it’s true - most people in this country did choose to have children. And isn’t it fantastic that we can choose? Rather than be condemned to a life of lack of choice and a modicum of control over our fertility? We should celebrate that choice.

[StarlingsInSummer]

No, YANBU in my opinion. It's true that you chose to have children, but chosing to become a parent is one of the few things that you can't unchose, and also one of the few things you can't truly experience until it's too late to back out! Pretty much any other major decision can be reversed one way or another, even if it costs a fortune...

[NaviSprite]

YANBU person A asked a question. Person B answered tired and explained why. You answered tired and explained why. That’s the end of it and all person A had to do was say “ah that’s crap” or something similar. I used to dread the coat room small talk when I was at work as there was always something said by somebody that was a bit catty. I always chose to stay quiet until we’d all had our coffees and the snarky ones cheered up a bit!

I was told by a friend I had no right to complain about my tiredness as she’d had a child before me so ‘knew all the issues and managed without complaining once’ - I pointed out that A) that was complete bollocks, she was moaning about it all the time on Social Media and B) I have twins, one of which was still in NICU at 4 months old following a lung collapse and was on a CPAP machine (which she was more than aware of) so when I say I’m not sleeping much it wasn’t me trying to be a martyr or competitive parent, it’s because I was bloody stressed, worried and caring for DS at home (he came out of NICU earlier than DD).

Suffice to say we’re no longer friends as she constantly put me down. So I agree that parental competitive tiredness is an absolute bitch 😩