You chose to have kids

[Significantudder]

Maybe my extreme tiredness is making me unduly cranky today but AIBU to be able to state that I am tired without being told “you chose to have kids”?

Yes I did chose to have kids, and it was a long and hard journey to have them. I was aware they would impact my lifestyle and I’m absolutely overjoyed to have them but it doesn’t mean I can’t ever say I’m tired!

Applies to other areas of life impacted by being a parent too.

Giveherhell- don’t think you read that there were 3 people in the conversation. Op wasn’t replying to Bs comment.

Yeah I also misread but still sounds like OP was trying to one-up the other tired person if the conversation.

The thing is who cares about this stuff?!

Who cares if you say you’re tired, and someone says they’re tired or more tired. Just commiserate, laugh about life being a bit shit at the moment and move on. It really isn’t a minefield to navigate, its so easy!

Ok so it was one upmanship.

Never occurred to me that I wasn’t allowed to be tired just because someone else was.

I just stated I was also tired and gave a reason, wasn’t trying to top trump her. If I had answered the question first was I allowed to give my original answer? TBH, person B wasn’t bothered by my comment in the slightest, it was person A, who asked us both how we were, that upset me.

In the conversation that you mention OP, you could have just let your friend say she was tired without the competitive element. Even a 'me too' would have done the job without bringing the baby into it. I think you might be over-reacting a bit there, assuming that you don't frequently complain in work of being tired due to the baby.

It’s more one-upping if you get into “well I’m tired because I woke up for no reason while you’re tired because of your children so mine counts for more” territory.

Nobody’s scoring you on tiredness. Just say “oh that’s rough, let’s both have a coffee.”

This update sounds like you were the antagoniser to me.
They said they were tired so you tried to one-up them.

I don't think so. Person A asked the question. Person B was tired because they were up at 4 for some unknown reason, person C (the OP) was tired because of baby. Or have I read it wrong?

There was no need for A to be unpleasant, unless person A is actually the most tired of all and is feeling a bit aggrieved because no one actually asked how they were!

Having read the comments I can see how oversensitive I’m being.

Youre right Jaques. Who cares 😊

Significantudder

I actually meant the people complaining about oneupmanship, who really cares about that!

But I’m glad you’re ok!

@Significantudder what's your relationship like with A? Because maybe she was expecting "ok thanks, how are you? Good weekend?"

People without children are always more justified in being tired OP. Us parents don't count, the reasons for us being tired are too mundane and repetitive. Non parents have exciting lives filled with adventure dontcha know. As parents we are not allowed to say we are tired, unless talking to an audience comprised 100% of fellow parents at the same DC age/stage!

Person A was having a conversation with Person B. Not sure why you felt the urge to one up her?

"Tired, I slept really badly, don’t know why, was up at 4”*
*“tired, the baby was up a lot”
This update sounds like you were the antagoniser to me. They said they were tired so you tried to one-up them.
They both said they were tired and gave a reason. Should op have lied because Mom's shouldn't even admit to not being perfectly happy at every moment??

And if this convo was at work then agree, correct response is FINE THANKS HOW ARE YOU . rinse and repeat even if total lies. Do not let on baby is causing any issues whatsoever or you will be pegged as 'not coping'..

I have a friend who says “well you choose to do the job” if I ever mention work stress. So not limited to kids!

Thanks @JacquesHammer

@GiveHerHellFromUs
Fairly friendly, colleagues. Don’t do anything socially.
Next time I see her I’ll ask her how she is, just in case she was offended by my not asking this morning.

TBF, I had just arrived and hadn’t had my coffee yet! I didn’t mean to be rude though.

Yanbu. I get 'you chose to have 4' when I dare to grumble about a particularly hard day. The retort of 'which of the twins should I send back?' Shut that person up.

Unfortunately it's in our natures to compete. And if it's not who's the best, it will be who has it the worst.

It sounds like you might be a bit of a whinger. We are all tired sometimes, whether through kids or jobs or hobbies or whatever. I really don’t like parents who whinge about being tired but then don't have proper sleep routines, let their kids get in their bed at 3am so no one sleeps; allow them to get up at 5am, etc etc. No shit you’re tired. Let the scales fall from your eyes.

This may not be you. It wasn’t me but I was still hanging. I put on my game face and got in with it. It was my choice to have kids and I take responsibility for it and don’t inflict the consequences on my friends and family. Especially around my child free friends, I aas careful not to talk too much about anytning child related. It’s very boring to anyone but you.

Nobody wants to hear it though...it's not fair to complain to others. Always better to be cheerful.
It's really sad you think people don't actually care how you are and that you have to nod and smile and lie. There would be far less MH issues imo if people didn't feel the need to constantly pretend everything great because they think no one cares about them

@GrumpyHoonMain
Person A was conversing with me and person B as we hung coats up.

@Preggosaurus9
Yes it was at work. I have no issue with my colleagues knowing I’m a bit tired due to the baby. I’m coping fine thanks!

The reason it sounds like one upmanship as it does not sound like you commiserated with her at all.
So I would have said, oh that is a pain waking up so early. What did you do? And talk about it a little bit. The natural thing then is afterwards for you to say Oh I am tired too. Up and down with the baby all night. Lets hope we both get some decent sleep soon.

When someone says something negative about their life and the response from the other person is to immediately say me too, then it does come across like a top trump, rather than that you are actually listening to the person. So maybe there is a reason she is waking up at 4 am such as anxiety about something you know nothing about? And maybe she would have shared it of you had asked? Or maybe she just wanted to feel heard?

Surprised at some of the posts.

‘You chose to have kids’ is a shitty, arrogant things to say. A sounds like a PITA.

You have a baby. You are allowed to mention the baby. A can fuck off.

I don’t think you were over sensitive at all - just dealing with an insensitive/aggressive/dumb person.

This update sounds like you were the antagoniser to me.
They said they were tired so you tried to one-up them.

No it doesn't, @GiveHerHellFromUs.
This particular exchange was person A to persons B&me “how are you guys this morning” person B “Tired, I slept really badly, don’t know why, was up at 4” me: “tired, the baby was up a lot” Person A “well you chose to have kids” in a pretty unpleasant way.

Absolutely zero "oneupmanship" going on in the exchange you quote - just a second tired person commiserating & empathising with the first tired person.

It is definitely the first, "up at 4am" person who was being antagonistic here.

@minisoksmakehardwork No I don't see conversations as a competition. And you were very rude.

Some people have really shot friendships.

If friend asks how you are, always lie and pretend you're fine.
Never talk about children, your friends don't care about them and you're just being smug, even if you're steuggling or other friend doesn't want them.
If thry ask how you are, they don't mean it.

OP doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. A asked a question to B and C. Band C answered the same with different reasons. A was rude , thus removing opportunity for B or C to enquire after A.