You chose to have kids

[Significantudder]

Maybe my extreme tiredness is making me unduly cranky today but AIBU to be able to state that I am tired without being told “you chose to have kids”?

Yes I did chose to have kids, and it was a long and hard journey to have them. I was aware they would impact my lifestyle and I’m absolutely overjoyed to have them but it doesn’t mean I can’t ever say I’m tired!

Applies to other areas of life impacted by being a parent too.

If anyone had said to me "you don't know tiredness until you have kids!" while I was caring for my dying mother I'd have throat punched them.

GrumpyHoonMain
Person A was having a conversation with Person B. Not sure why you felt the urge to one up her?

Not sure where you got that from; A was talking to both B and OP according to the OP.

This particular exchange was person A to persons B&me “how are you guys this morning” person B “Tired, I slept really badly, don’t know why, was up at 4” me: “tired, the baby was up a lot”

I think it’s about glasses half full and glasses half empty. Kids magnify this so a general whinger has more to whinge about. It’s tiresome. Try putting a positive step forwards and you might actually feel better.

I agree with the pp who said the op gave no thought to what A was actually saying. It sounds very ‘all about me (and my baby)’. Learn from this. Listen properly to other people rather than using their words as a prompt for a word dump.

@messolini9 keep up bab I acknowledged I'd misread

I have had it said to I just ignore it. I was tired before I had kids as I partied hard, worked really long hours and travelled a lot. I am now tired after having my 3 kids though I only work 1 day a week now as they kept me busy, we are always doing activities etc and I like a clean house. I also get told I have my hands full when I have my 3 year old (very easy and well behaved child generally) and my baby. You should see there face when I say nope not at all the eldest is at school just now 😂

I do find some people whinge non stop though about tiredness etc because of there kids then put them off to grandparents most weekend to get a “break”..I.e a drunken weekend

I’d like to point out that it was a very brief exchange, hanging coats up before a managers briefing. No opportunity for me to counsel person B on why she struggled to sleep or find out how person A is. Although I could have just about asked her, that was rude.
Next time I’ll just say hello first! And that will be it.

Yes - if you have children you should never mention you’re tired (it’s whingy), preferably never mention the children (it’s boring), and certainly never mention you’re tired because of the children (it’s competitive). Just plaster on a happy smile and stay positive! Then go home and neck tranquillisers like those 50s housewives did.

YANBU and in addition just to point out you can actually be tired from being up with a baby/toddler etc and have elderly parents to look after and be an insomniac and have chronic pain. People on these posts always list the other reasons people can be tired and don't imagine that parents also can suffer from these reasons. When a Mum first has a baby, pain and discomfort and the physical toll birth has taken on your body as well as getting up all night does often occur. In those first months it is nothing to do with routine as you can't really apply one. Even with older children parents can have things in 'addition' that keep them up, parents are human beings after all!

I find that I do like hearing about other people's babies and children unlike the PP who said nobody wants to know as particularly when mine were that stage it was something to relate to and feel like you weren't isolated and doing it all wrong.

OP I am not suggesting you counsel her. Just saying that it sounds like you did not actually acknowledge what she said but just went straight into how you are so tired.
It isn't a big deal though, it is one tiny exchange. But just check out with yourself that you don't have a habit of doing this. You might not and this person might have over reacted to you doing this one. But people who do this regularly give the impression that they don't actually give a shit about anyone else or how they are feeling - even if that is not true, that is the impression given.

Don’t worry about it OP - A was a twat, just bear that in mind. If I were you I’d let the shutters come down with regards to A from now on.

You were brief and factual. A was rude.

@Goldenbear You liked hearing because you have young kids and wanted to compare notes.
TBH whenever someone talks about anything, there is always someone who has it worse. So my mum died young, but one of my friends had both parents die when she was only 8. My DH's father died at a good old age. We all deserved sympathy for our parents dying. Playing top trumps, even if you secretly feel it inside, is never a good idea.

I had it all the time from my mother. I couldn’t say I was tired because she would come back with “you choose to have a kid” or even worse “I had three and I managed no problem”.

The first one made me think, what do you expect me to do??? Send him back?

The second one provided ample opportunity to remind her that apart of three kids, she also had a live in maid, a gardener and a husband who she could trust to cover all the household expenses and enable her to work part time. (I have parented my child on my own after my long term husband buggered off to live the “life he had to live”)

The truth is she didn’t tell you the reason why she was tired. It could have been anything. You have a baby and so probably had some amount of mat / adoption leave and access to time off for antenatal appointments to prepare yourself. You don’t get the same thing for other types of caring.

Well if a different person was asking them both the OP answered honestly and actually the same could be said about the other person, did she enquire after what's going on in the OPs situation or as it was a momentary comment in passing did the two people answering just do so in the way it was expected. The other person could be very self absorbed and need to check themselves, I get the impression from your post caranconnner that you're assuming the attack position of the OP because she has a baby.

Yeah I agree with @ShatnersWig and I have a baby who literally didn’t sleep at all for months. I’ve always had trouble sleeping and have a job where I’m on call, work lots of hours and then get no break, calls in the middle of the night etc. People are allowed to be tired whether or not they have children.

I draw the line at hangovers though. If you’ve brought the tiredness on yourself you’re not getting any sympathy 🤣

I think as long as people don’t bang on about it all the time, which can be draining, then people are allowed to say they are tired. Parents don’t have the only claim on that one ha.

The truth is she didn’t tell you the reason why she was tired. It could have been anything.

That is true, that may have been her opening remark to tell you about a more serious problem/worry she has and you shut her off by implying she is not having it that bad as you do because you have a child)

caranconnor have you maybe misread what happened? The person who said “you chose to have kids” was not the person who was up at 4. Person A asked both Person B and OP how they were, both of them said “tired”. Why do you think OP was being rude and inappropriate?

But to answer the OP’s post - sorry - then yes your friend was unfair and unkind. Make sure you make a note to be equally sarcastically unkind when she’s in the same boat! Friends are supposed to support each other.

How exactly can you 'prepare' yourself for sleepless nights with a baby, are you suggesting prior to the baby's arrival you set the alarm every hour and a half in the night and hire one of those imitation babies that schools have which is not even a true representation as they don't have reflux and don't have high temperatures suddenly that send you in to anxiety overload due to your new motherhood status not know what you are doing, being sleep deprived so not thinking straight and this little human not being even being able to tell you what is wrong as they can't speak! That's just a nonsense remark.

Nobody is playing Top Trumps she's answering the question that was asked of her. So if you have conversations that flow in this way you believe the other person to be playing Top Trumps, I think that sounds a bit paranoid frankly.

Yes I may have misread the situation. But I think it is unusual to for the other person to say - well you chose to have kids, so I was trying to understand what might have led to that.
If the OP knows she listens to people and does not just usually go straight into me too, without actually listening, then the other person was being inexplicably rude. Possible yes.
But I do think it is worth self reflecting.

People say shit things in all kinds of situations. YANBU, but just ignore.

YANBU, so many people are unable to manage the pleasantries of small talk without being dicks.

Or by over-snalysing innocent remarks to find offence.

Meh. It’s not a competition but it’s true isn’t it?

I look back and laugh at how I thought I was tired! I had no idea. But you can’t appreciate it because you’ve yet to learn what having a baby/ kids is like- when you do have them then it’s too late to appreciate your old life where you could lie in bed all day at weekends!

I wouldn’t say to a tired child free work colleague that you ‘don’t know what tiredness is’ (work with lots of people in early 20’s). I complain that I’m tired and they can too. Best to let them figure it out for themselves.

Person B is a very good friend of mine. She has not got caring duties or MH issues. She was just up at 4am for some unknown reason, as happens to us all at some time.

The exchange was insignificant to her. It was person A that upset me. Her comment was said in an unpleasant way.

I try not to talk about my kids unless asked as most of my colleagues are younger and child free. That said my mental health is being massively impacted by a non-sleeping baby (probably needs a whole other thread in Sleep board) and I don’t think I’m unreasonable to state that I’m tired because of it.