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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 year old sleeping in our bed

67 replies

Sleepycatmeow · 17/11/2019 23:12

3.5yo DD hasn't reliably slept in her own bed for a while, and it's starting to be a problem as there's not enough space for the three of us to get a good night sleep in the same bed.

We're trying a rewards chart at the moment to keep her in her own bed. She's desperate for her rewards so won't come into our bed, but will stand by our door several times a night crying and saying that she's scared and lonely.

I hate to see her like that, and don't really have a problem with her sleeping in our bed, but at the same time we're quite tired so it would be good to get it solved.

AIBU to hope that the good folk of Mumsnet can help me sort this out?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2019 23:15

Can you get up and settle her in her own bed?

Original poster

Sleepycatmeow · 17/11/2019 23:19

I'm there with her now, waiting for her to fall asleep... then between DH and I, we'll probably have to do it another two or three times before we get up for work in 6 hours.

This is why we've left it until now, it's better to get rubbish sleep with her in bed than no sleep at all!

OP posts:

BeThere · 17/11/2019 23:20

This happened my friend. She just got up as many times as it took and put her back in her bed, reassured her etc. It took a week. Just persevere.

Singlenotsingle · 17/11/2019 23:20

Get a bigger bed? King size?

53rdWay · 17/11/2019 23:24

Make up a bed for her on the floor in your room, to get into when she comes through? Air mattress or sofa cushions or something?

PepePig · 17/11/2019 23:24

I'd wait until you and your partner have a week booked off work and tackle it then. At least that way you can nap in the day if you're up all night. A week will sort it. You just need to be consistent, clear and firm.

Mayborn · 17/11/2019 23:28

Do you have a spare room? When mine does it (or when we think she will and one of us doesn’t want waking up) we sleep separately

Mayborn · 17/11/2019 23:28

Also I quite like it but DH doesn’t

Majorcollywobble · 17/11/2019 23:29

Aaw Bless the three of you . I slept over at DD looking after GS same age as your little girl recently . First night he woke and called for me as I was sleeping in guest room . I joined him in his parents bed and had a good cuddle before he went to sleep . Second night he slept right through . He has spells of waking each night and spells of sleeping right through with his so it wasn’t because he was upset with them not being there . I’m sure it will pass soon.

BanginChoons · 17/11/2019 23:31

I vote bigger bed. Why should she sleep alone? You don't and you are a lot bigger and less afraid of the dark.

WagtailRobin · 17/11/2019 23:32

I know it isn't ideal but she is still only a baby in reality and at some point she will decide she wants independence from her mummy and daddy, personally I would lap up the "needy" years while they last.

Although I recognise my comment isn't helpful when you're lacking in the sleep department, sorry.

Freddiefox · 17/11/2019 23:38

I don’t think we are made to sleep alone, and thousands of years ago we all would have slept in the same place for protection.

We are very vulnerable when we are asleep and I still remember the fear of waking up
In a cold dark house and shouting for my mum and praying that she would hear me.

I think you should decide whether you are happy her getting in bed with you or not, as I think you are maybe sending her mixed messages. Then either get a matteress on the floor in your room or her room so she’s not on her own either way at least then you are all getting some sleep.

Scarlettpixie · 17/11/2019 23:41

We bought a bigger bed, a superking when DS was 3. You can fit 3 pillows across the top. It was fab. She won’t sleep with you forever.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/11/2019 23:41

I think if its happening that often, if you've got the space just get a single mattress and put it on the floor next to your bed and let her come in if she wants.

Excited101 · 17/11/2019 23:41

Just keep popping her back, she’ll get there, it’ll just take some time. Keep reassuring her, keep it positive and a few nights later you.l all be sleeping better.

Scarlettpixie · 17/11/2019 23:42

Should add, he mostly started out in his bed and came to get in with us when he woke. That could be anytime between midnight and 6am.

Bluewall · 17/11/2019 23:50

If you find the answer tell me we end up with our 6 year old in with us every night 😭 if we out him back the cycle repeats all night 😴 He also likes to sleep right up against my back !

I am going to try sleeping on his bedroom floor on a mattress to see if I can get him to stay in his room but without me being in the bed with him

Venger · 17/11/2019 23:51

If space wasn't an issue would you and DH be happy to let her sleep in the bed? If so then buy a bigger bed and let her sleep in with you, she will grow out of it in her own time and it means you're all getting a full sleep rather than being up and down all night. My DC have all done this, the rule was that they started the night in their own bed but if they woke up they could get into mine.

If you're not happy to have her in your bed at all then bite the bullet and take her back to bed each and every time, as many times as it takes each night, until she gets the message that she has to stay in her own bed.

Justajot · 18/11/2019 00:07

What type of bed does she have? If it's a regular single then could one of you switch into it when she comes in.

Both of our DDs used to come into our bed at that age. If you can be ok with it then there's no need to do anything about it as it gradually disappears as they get older.

AntiHop · 18/11/2019 00:10

Let her sleep in your bed. She's very young and wants to be close to you. My 5 year old comes into our bed in the night most nights.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 18/11/2019 00:21

Some children definitely require more reassurance than others, that's for sure! Eg, my older two children have never even considered even wanting to sleep in mine and DH's bed. Our youngest however is a whole other kettle of fish!

I don't want to frighten you here!!!! He's turning 10 in January and over the years has been through periods where he's slept in our bed. My DH has always hated it. I don't mind so much, but he's so big now and we live in the sub tropics of Australia and it gets blinking hot. For the past week or so he's slept in his own bed which is lovely. He does go through stages though. He just has always hated being alone. Though I'm beginning to wonder if it's because I breastfed him and Co slept with him for so long? Who knows.
We tried so much over the years. Bribery mostly always worked. Temporary anyway!
Gah, I hope you are sleeping well anyway!!!

Polydactyly · 18/11/2019 00:40

Either a cheap second hand single bed in your room or a kids camp bed? It’s better than being tired all the time.

groovergirl · 18/11/2019 01:21

Poor little girl. Freddiefox is right; it's natural for kids to want to huddle close for protection at night. I bet if you set up that camp bed she'll be reassured and her sleeping problems will gradually ease.

I always thought my DD slept well until her first-grade teacher told me DD was tired, tearful and unable to focus in class. DD confessed she couldn't sleep because she felt lonely at night. As soon as XH moved out, she moved into my bed. We'd sit up reading together, and her sleep and school work improved off the chart. We've been co-sleeping for six years -- a bit weird, perhaps, but she's happy. She's redecorating her room to use as a teenage retreat but still has no plans to move down there to sleep!

FloydWasACat · 18/11/2019 02:03

I am currently on the sofa as our 4 year old is going through this phase, we try to put her back in her own bed once she is asleep but she will always sneak back in. I don't mind it too much, they are only little once. Well, I say that now but I am hoping it won't last too much longer.
And I changed the bedding tonight so I am missing out on the fresh duvet experience...DH's turn on the sofa tomorrow night!

Original poster

Sleepycatmeow · 18/11/2019 03:03

Thanks everyone! Nice to know I'm not alone, even if there's definitely no consensus about how to tackle it!

DD confessed she couldn't sleep because she felt lonely at night

We are very vulnerable when we are asleep and I still remember the fear of waking up in a cold dark house and shouting for my mum and praying that she would hear me

This is what I worry about for DD. The house is lit though, with her night light and the landing light, and I always tell her that we're right next door if there's a problem. But her definition of a problem and ours is at odds!

I'd rather not sleep than have her being scared in her bed.

OP posts:

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