3 year old sleeping in our bed

[Sleepycatmeow]

3.5yo DD hasn't reliably slept in her own bed for a while, and it's starting to be a problem as there's not enough space for the three of us to get a good night sleep in the same bed.

We're trying a rewards chart at the moment to keep her in her own bed. She's desperate for her rewards so won't come into our bed, but will stand by our door several times a night crying and saying that she's scared and lonely.

I hate to see her like that, and don't really have a problem with her sleeping in our bed, but at the same time we're quite tired so it would be good to get it solved.

AIBU to hope that the good folk of Mumsnet can help me sort this out?

Disagree!

I would just put a small low bed in your room for her at the foot of your bed but make it quite clear that she either sleeps on that or in her own room, no compromise. Mainly because the lack of sleep would turn me into a bear.

I've never let ds in our bed apart from once when he was poorly,didn't want to make a rod for my own back.I feel a bit mean now reading how many people sleep with their DC's but it's how we've done things from him being a baby.

We have a super-king too. Well worth it if you can fit it! But yes maybe a made-up bed in your room on the floor that she can just come in to without waking you while this phase is ongoing? I really do think it's probably just a phase - I went through similar and went through it again when I was about 9 but it passed and pleased to report that I am now happy sleeping alone at the age of 34

Get her a double bed and get in with her. I loved cuddling up to my toddlers in bed

Also I think if she's voicing that she's scared and is upset, it wouldn't sit right with me to persist overnight when she's in a state. Perhaps there's work to do during the day and at bedtime about teasing out what she's scared of and what can help her feel more comfortable when she wakes in the night (teddy, nightlight, something that can play lullabies if she presses it, etc.), but I'm not sure when she's already upset and seeking comfort is the time for tough love when she's so little. Just my tuppence.

Is she in her own room? If so would she be more comfortable sharing a room with her little brother for the moment?

Absolutely a spare cot bed mattress on the floor in your room, just explain there isn't room for all of you in the bed but she can sleep there next to you.

Buy a bigger bed for you all and let her grow out of it. My eldest was 7 when he finally slept in his own bed. He couldnt settle before that and would get very upset.
I remember being really frightened at night and would have loved for my mum to sleep with me.
My younger son never wanted our bed and slept on his own from birth.

I'd be inclined to try a bolt on the outside of her bedroom door. And earplugs

Please tell me that’s a joke yes? And you’re not actually advocating child abuse

Could you put a floor bed for her in your room or one in her room that you sleep on? Our dd slept in our bed til she was 2 and then in a floor bed in our room until she was 3.5. No rod for our own backs made. One day at 3.5 she said she wanted 'to sleep all night in her room like a big girl'. She had about a week of disrupted sleep while she adjusted and we just reassured her. And then after that, it was fine. No sleep issues, she slept great in her own room, but it also meant that for the times before when she wasn't ready to sleep by herself yet, we weren't exhausted getting up a million times a night with her.

My 3.5 year old Dd will not sleep away from me. We have tried putting her in the room with her sister but she just wont settle and ends up back in the room with us. My elder daughter (6.5) has always slept on her own fine but my youngest has a 'Next to me' cot and we blame it on this.

What we have done is sandwiched her toddler bed between my side of the bed and the wall so in essence Its like an extension of my bed.

It's not ideal having her in the room but to be honest, it works and we all get a good night's sleep and not giving up any space in our bed.

It won't last forever and the will come a day where she wil want her independence and I will miss waking up and seeing her there next to me.

Kid are unreasonablY frightened of all sorts, spiders, moths, dogs, storms, balloons, fireworks, etc. I could go on. Our job is not to mask that but to help them face these fears and conquer them. It is not scary being in a room next door to mum and dad, doors open if needs be at first. It might feel it but with reassurance, support and appetite parenting boundaries, the child can be taught that it isn’t scary, it’s normal, it’s ok, and it’s so much better for everyone’s sleep. And relationships, how on earth do these cosleepers ever conceive again with a baby in the bed forerver?

Caving in means no one sleeps and, in my experience, leaches into a general inability to put boundaries in appropriate places during the day too. It’s a choice, not a necessity. Do what you want, but don’t say you can’t do anything because plenty of us manage it perfectly well.

There is a version of The No Cry Sleep Solution for toddlers and preschoolers, which might have some useful ideas. I remember there were a couple of ideas for toddlers in the end of the original (baby) one, one was about making a book with them about the different changes in their life since they were born (when I was born I drank milk from Mummy/a bottle, then I ate puree from a spoon, then I ate grown up food - with a picture for each - etc, and repeated for different milestones) and included in this that when I was little I slept in Mummy and Daddy's bed, and now I have my own bed. You could even include the plastic hospital cot :) Then make it into a conversation where you talk about growing up and things changing and this being one of them.

The other idea was about pre-empting each problem and providing a solution and then going through the plan with the child, so if DD is thirsty, DD can get a drink from this non-spill water cup. If DD feels lonely, she can snuggle up to , if she's scared, listen to a story CD, etc.

What got DS1 to stay in his own bed was the rule that he could only come into bed with me if he was going to be 100% still and quiet. If he wanted to wriggle around or talk, he had to go and do it in his own bed. To my absolute shock he sometimes actually chose that :o and it massively reduced the disruption to my sleep if he did come in with me. By the time he was 4 he actually refused to co-sleep even if he was ill.

I feel a bit mean now reading how many people sleep with their DC's but it's how we've done things from him being a baby.

Don't feel mean, we all do what works for us and in your case what worked was DS sleeping in his own bed. Much of it depends on the individual child too, one of mine prefers their own space to sleep in and has done since being newborn so didn't co-sleep very much at all while the others have all co-sleep to varying degrees - one for two years, one still attempts to sneak in at almost 6yo, and the toddler sleeps with us most nights. What was right for one DC wasn't always right for the next.

I think it depends on the child how scared they are. I was terrified of being in my own in bed at night, even though my sister was in the same room. I got in with my mum until about 7 or 8.

My dd was so scared of being alone in bed at 9 or so, that no one was getting any sleep. We put a mattress in our room in the end. She’s 13 now and in her own room.

My SIL (2) were similar. Some dc respondents d to sensible straight talking, but some are anxious and too scared to go to sleep alone. But they don’t sleep with you for ever.

We had this with our DS1 - he's a very cuddly boy and refused his own bed from the start. At first we tagged a single on the end of our king as I was pregnant with our second and space was tight, and I kept the other room as a play room. Now with current baby, I share our king with him, and OH and DC1 sleep in the other room. OH is in the single and DC1 is in a trundle bed as the room is too small for two adult beds, but DC1 is too big for toddler bed. We could have gone for bunks, however DC1 is still too small for top bunk and he is very clumsy, so I don't think it will ever be an option! It made sense as the baby would have kept waking them up.

OH is keen to come back in our bed, but I'm still getting woken up by DC2, and I still think DC1 wouldn't like being alone. I hope that once the youngest is old enough they will happily share.

I get some judgemental people making comments, but my kids are happy with this arrangement so they can get stuffed! It is a killer for sleep and sex life, but I think that's just kids for you. I think half happily sleep for Britain in their own bed, and the rest - like my kids - like to be close to parents as they are more prone to waking.

Either one of you needs to sleep in childs room, or you need to accommodate her in yours. Failing that, you have to play it tough and keep putting her in her back in her own room each night until she gives up. It's not something I have been happy to do, as I feel both my boys are quite sensitive and need reassurance, so think it would have a detrimental effect.