3 year old sleeping in our bed

[Sleepycatmeow]

3.5yo DD hasn't reliably slept in her own bed for a while, and it's starting to be a problem as there's not enough space for the three of us to get a good night sleep in the same bed.

We're trying a rewards chart at the moment to keep her in her own bed. She's desperate for her rewards so won't come into our bed, but will stand by our door several times a night crying and saying that she's scared and lonely.

I hate to see her like that, and don't really have a problem with her sleeping in our bed, but at the same time we're quite tired so it would be good to get it solved.

AIBU to hope that the good folk of Mumsnet can help me sort this out?

Mine was the same, we got used to it however it doesn't last forever. It's nice for kids to feel cosy and secure in between mum and dad.

The answer is to buy a super king sized bed if you can afford a new one.

Our three year old sleeps in with us. There are few comforts once you get to my age (!) so I don't mind him having his.

I'd be inclined to try a bolt on the outside of her bedroom door. And earplugs

Good luck with whatever you do decide to do, short of that.

My ds is 3.5 and he loves sleeping in our bed. It's a firm no from us, Dh and I dont sleep at all when hes in the bed.
We used a bit of bribery but he is still in his cotbed which is similar to a single but he still has the rails up. So effectively in his cot.
When he woke up during the night we would just sit outside his door and reassured him. He cried for a few days but it sunk in that he is not sleeping in our room.
A friend of mine got another double bed for their room and the kids still are in with them. 7 and 8 years old! bloody ridiculous.

the kids still are in with them. 7 and 8 years old! bloody ridiculous.

What is really pushing me to do this now is that DS is reaching the age that DD was when she started having trouble sleeping. He's 1 now and sleeps brilliantly, but I'm not sure i could cope if they were both up and down all night.

I vote bigger bed too! But I love cosleeping!

It’s not ridiculous it’s pretty much the done thing in a huge number of other cultures. to them would be seen as ridiculous putting a baby/toddler in their own room to cry and feel frightened and lonely.

Depends on whether the issue is the lack of space for you all or if you don’t want her in your bed as PP said. Because if it’s space, maybe you or DD getting a bigger bed would help. If it’s the bedsharing then you may need to simply tackle it head on and don’t relent if you decide you don’t want it to happen anymore.

I vote for camp bed on the floor if you have the space.

My kids both enjoyed sleeping in my bed when they were younger. It drove me insane. To the actual brink of insanity. I let them because everyone crapped on about what most people are saying here - it’s mean to make a young child sleep alone, they need reassurance blah blah. But it honestly near killed me. I’m a lone sleeper. DH and I have seperate rooms. I am prone to joint dislocation and even sometimes turning over in bed dislocates a knee. My hips seize up if I sleep in the wrong position. Sharing my bed was utter hell.

Mine actually liked to snuggle so weren’t fans of the camp bed, but definitely try it.

I’m clearly projecting my own issues but kids in my bed was a huge factor in shutting up my uterus for good.

Since singing to him on a rocking chair didn't work anymore (about 18 months old), DS has been falling asleep with me in the big bed (and with daddy when he's home at weekends). We put him in his bed asleep and back with us if he cries. I get criticised but don't care - my answer is always that he won't be doing that as a teenager, and he will slam his bedroom door on my face. I know I'll miss his hugs and little kisses, so I enjoy them now.

I can remember waking in the night and getting into my parents bed! Only child ,so felt lonely in the night I think .Had a similar problem with my DD in and out of bed for a long time!

"It drove me insane. To the actual brink of insanity. I let them because everyone crapped on about what most people are saying here - it’s mean to make a young child sleep alone, they need reassurance blah blah. But it honestly near killed me"

Ha ha - I can relate to that one. I'm stuck with a nearly four year old in my bed and it's a nightmare. She's very tall for her age, she kicks and she spends all night trying repeatedly to climb on me so I have actual bruises in the morning (and no, I can't just let her lie on me if that's what she "needs" for comfort because she's so heavy it feels like someone is using medieval methods to torture a confession out of me). I've told her time and again to be gentle but the only natural consequence for not sleeping nicely in mummy's bed is being put back in your own bed, and I felt I couldn't do that because I'd read so much about it being cruel and unnatural to make children sleep alone. Absolute bloody nightmare and I feel like I haven't slept in years.

The kicker is that some of my friends' kids (of various ages) co-sleep and some are reassured, cuddled and gently put back in their own beds each time they wake. And I'm now coming to the realisation that there is sod-all difference between the two groups of kids in terms of how confident, happy and attached to their parents they are. If anything, I seem inadvertently to have encouraged my particular child to claim that she's frightened of everything to get out of doing stuff she doesn't like (and if anyone is thinking that I sound like a hard mother who isn't responding to her child's genuine fears and that a three year old is "just a baby" who isn't capable of manipulation, they haven't heard my DD trying it on with "tidying up is scareeee" or "not getting chocolate is scareee" ).

My almost 6 year old is lying next to me right now. Fortunately, he’s pretty tiny for his age, and not a wriggly sleeper. He doesn’t come in all of the time, but he’s going through a needy patch (end of term exhaustion, I think!).

Send her a letter from an elf asking her to sleep in her own bed and that Father Christmas will reward her if she does so.

You could mention he will tell the tooth fairy too... just to keep it going!!!

We bought a bigger bed. DS and DH sleep in it and I slept in the spare bed. Suited me as I prefer to sleep alone.

Now we have 2 DCs, DS sleeps in spare bed with DH and DD sleeps with me.

We have the mattress from the spare room on the floor in DS room. If he wakes in the night we pop him back in bed and get in to bed on the mattress. He goes back to sleep and I don't have to worry about staying awake and creeping out. We are usually both asleep in 5 minutes. This has akso reduced night wakings a lot and maybe 50% of the time he will sleep through now.

We have a spare bed in our sons room (2.5y) so when he is unsettled, one of us just crashes in his room in the spare bed. Its not ideal but at least we all get some sleep!

I had a little trundle bed under my DS bed for these eventualities and slept in that until he grew out of needing the extra support at night

We didn't have room for an extra mattress but put a folded duvet on the floor with a blanket. DC were told if they woke up lonely, they could come in and curl up there but weren't to wake us up unless they were ill.

@tealandteal that sounds like a good idea, like a halfway house. Could give that a go.

I've told DD tonight not to wake me, to either stay in her bed or to climb into mine, but to do it quietly. I can't have another night of less than 4 hours sleep.

This is going to sound harsh but you need to make and stick to a plan. Parenting is hard but it will be so much easier it you make some boundaries and stick tonthem.

Night fears are entirely surmountable but they do take A mix of coping strategies and willpower. It isn’t a coincidence that we have an epidemic of chronically sleep deprived youngsters in thus permissive era where we never say no and have no boundaries,

She’s old enough for a star chart, an agreed reward and a plan. Explain it to her, get her buy in. Make sure there is a nightlight or the door open and landing light on so it isn’t too dark. And then commit. No amount of tears or crying, back to bed, gently and with love, but firm and clear. No shouting, not raised voices, calm and clear. Give it a week and she’ll be sorted. Two weeks tops if she’s not used to rules usually.

There is a current trend where Parents don’t parent anymore. They try to befriend. They fail to hold Appropriate boundaries. So many co Ssleepers do it for them, not the children. 11/12 hours of unbroken, peaceful sleep, and the ability to self settle, is the best gift you will ever give your child. And you.

My friend had this and she put a corned mattress on the floor in their room and told her child to just climb quietly into that bed if they were scared in the night. That way, they aren’t disturbed and more comfortable for the adults, but the child is still comforted by their parents presence.

Cot bed mattress that should say

Btw totally agree with the last poster. What children learn from that approach is not to ask for help when they are scared. It’s pretty horrible really.