To ask why people find me strange?

[IAmCabbageDear]

No question that they do, I see it in their faces all the time (I work with the public every day)

I'm not attractive but I am polite and kind, very empathetic.. does that make me strange?

I wouldn't worry about it OP. It's the sort of thing you could drive yourself mad over and if you ever asked anyone they'd never tell you anyway. If you're happy with who you are, that's what matters.

I relate with everything you say, your posts could be used to describe me perfectly. I was diagnosed as autistic last year. I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s awful when you don’t fit in and don’t understand why, despite being a lovely person and trying really hard.

Op next time you see them.exchange these looks you mention stop whatever you are saying and just say what?...is something wrong?...and if they are like what?....say what was that look about?.....call them out in it each time, let them know you noticed and are not the butt of whatever secret joke they have between them anymore

To be honest I am amazed that anyone would think we had enough information to be able to answer. Also, you say that people may think you’re weird because you’re empathetic - do you really believe that? Seems unlikely.

Op next time you see them.exchange these looks you mention stop whatever you are saying and just say what?...is something wrong?...and if they are like what?....say what was that look about?.....call them out in it each time, let them know you noticed and are not the butt of whatever secret joke they have between them anymore

Erm, yeah, no don’t do that. That’s very strange.

In the nicest way, I was going to say what @Cartright did. The only people I know who mention how empathic they are are somewhat self absorbed and talk all over everyone. They are lovely - I could call them at 2am and they would come - but they lack the ability to read social cues and talk all over everyone without following the normal interaction ‘rules’.

I’m sure they don’t think you’re odd.

But some people think particular accents are funny.

When I was 15, when visiting Yorkshire, I asked a couple of strangers a question and they laughed. Definitely my accent as they imitated it.

This happens to me as well OP. I think it is because I am slightly too precise in my phrasing, and that my phrasing is slightly odd in terms of accent, dialect etc as well. The content is often a bit weird too tbf like you, I get people doing the amused glances to each other. I find it best to act as if nothing untoward has occurred and carry on; the people worth talking to will, eventually, come to appreciate you if you are genuine and polite.

If you really want to know, as opposed to just soliciting lots of "Oo you sound lovely" posts from randoms on the internet, you need to ask people who know you. Stress that you want to be told the truth.

It may be something really simple. My DH puzzles people because he moved around a lot as a child and has got traces of French, Welsh and Canadian in his accent, so he's really hard to place. You can see people he meets for the first time trying to work it out and, if he explains where he's from (everywhere! ), they instantly relax.

Could you be on the autistic spectrum?

We’ve never met you, OP nor are likely to so it’s very hard to answer your question. Do you have a close friend whose judgement you really trust? Do you think you could ask them?

Better strange than boring? I’ve spent a lot of my younger years feeling different and strange, but now I’m older I embrace who I am, and where people used to look on me as strange when I was younger, they now look on me as quirky and eccentric; and I’ll take that! You are who you are - unless you’re being nasty or mean, then just accept we are all different, and if people can’t accept who you are, then it’s their problem not yours.

I'd have to meet you to know that. Sometimes it can be as small as just holding your eyes open a touch too wide or smiling too much or not enough, being a bit too loud or quiet. If you feel like you have to perform then it seems likely that you don't react as people usually do to social cues (for many it's as natural as breathing and doesn't leave you exhausted).

Is there the possibility that people find you contrived or literally just working on a slightly different wavelength?

Things that stand out are volume, intonation and pitch - also speed of speech, exclamations, excitable/over the top, or inappropriate - if it bothers you, ask a friend, record yourself or try experimenting with lowering tone/slowing speed/articulating... otherwise you’re nice & polite so doesn’t matter!

Well, mundanes/conformists are stupid. That might be the issue. Stupid people tend to start whining and wetting themselves when they have to deal with anyone who isn't just like them.

It's possible that you are on the autism spectrum, of course - which is, if you are a functional adult, less of a disability and more of a matter of being cleverer than other people.

If it only happens at work, surely it’s something to do with the work context? Like you work to a script and it’s got a strange bit in or you pronounce a bit of it wrong?

My voice often comes out sounding different to other peoples' - somehow fuzzy/husky, I think I get quizzical looks as a result! Maybe I should look into some voice training - or maybe just clear my throat and 'Project'!!

I often feel the same OP. I don't get this reaction from everyone, just certain types of people.

I'm not quite sure either, but I sometimes think it's because I'm kind of sincere. So when I meet good, kind, genuine warm people, they seem to like me and respond well to me, but if I meet people who are, sort of shallow for want of a better word, they tend to act like they think I'm a bit odd.

I think sincerity bothers people who prefer a more sarcastic, cynical communication style. That's my conclusion at the moment, it's something I wonder about a lot.

I think in the end, people who respond badly to you aren't worth worrying about. As long as you're a good, decent, kind person then you have nothing to worry about and other good kind people will appreciate you being you.

There are a lot of fake insincere people about so never change, keep being true to yourself.

You describe yourself as "polite and kind, very empathetic" - presumably you don't interrogate the people you meet with on any aspect of diversity they might possess/display?

Maybe you are being slightly paranoid in assuming that people look at you as if your are strange.

Nobody here can answer you if they've not interacted with you OP, that's the long and short of it. A look of bemusement doesn't necessarily mean they are thinking of you negatively.

It could be anything, unusual vocabulary, more open than people are comfortable with, perhaps you come across rudely- I'd ask those that know you and request honesty!

Maybe in your effort to be nice, you over-share? This sometimes happens with people who are too empathetic. Perhaps pull back on the empathy and offer a little less of yourself and only what they are actually asking for.

From what you said, it sounds like your kindness an empathy are expressed in a fast, gushing style - and in customer facing role it's unusual and unexpected.S
So possibly they are amused in a good way as in 'oh, she'd doing way more than expected", or maybe they think it's OTT and old-fashioned but makes them smile. Amused looks are ok usually, I'd worry more if the looks were displeased/disapproving.

I’m socially awkward and have anxiety, I’m convinced I come off odd which makes me more paranoid.
Maybe it’s your job tho op, not you but the actual types of people you deal with having a certain expectation/ pre conceived notion about you.

My guess is you're missing social cues, and that you're actually unable to read what is 'normal', for whatever reason.

So you being 'nice' could actually be a bit abrupt, it could be too nice, it could be over the top for that situation, it could be 'too personal' for someone who is a stranger, etc, etc....

Many reasons for it. Some people lack empathy - and often they will think they are very empathetic. My DSis is like that, she hurtles herself into situations to 'help' because she is so 'empathetic' but really she's just made it up in her head,

Some are over the top enthusiastic, perhaps mild ADHD (putting my own hand up for this one), but I recognise it in myself, but I still struggle occasionally to not monopolise the conversation.

Facial expression blindness, not recognising the awkward look someone gives they are uncomfortable.

Etc, etc, etc....

What you need to do is ask a very good friend who has seen you in these situations, and ask them to be honest, which might actually be quite painful. Because you CAN'T see it, so can't tell us what it is that you're doing to trigger the reactions.

Thank you for all the replies. I appreciate your honesty.

I think it's a combination of talking too fast and trying too hard (though I am coming from a good place with that, you'll need to trust me on that one).

I could be on the As - I have one child who is, and they think that I am, though I don't agree.

I will try and be more me, but with less effort iyswim.

I don't have a lazy eye by the way.. But I do have a lazy ass.. Would that be as disconcerting?