Help Please Teen DD, Ketamine & Contacting Friends DM. WWYD

[killerKetInMyHomeHelp]

Long time intermittent regular, name changed. Penis beaker, Pom bears, naice ham etc . Not so much an AIBU, I'm sure I will be considered to be in part U by some of you, but if it keeps my DD safe from harm, I really don't care about crossing boundaries. I'm posting here from traffic, I hope you'll understand.

I'll try & keep it brief, but it's going to be difficult without drip feeding.

A few days ago whilst hoovering DDs room. She is just barely 17, I found a small plastic bag with the residue of off white powder in it. We approached it calmly with her & she denied all knowledge of it, insisting one of her friends must have dropped it & that she didn't know what it was, but it could be mdma or Ketamine as that's the only drugs she's known of in her circle. I tasted it in front of DD, partly to see if she'd own up as it could be dangerous to me & partly to see if I could work out what it was. Neither worked, We reminded DD that her not insignificant medical problems made this a ridiculous thing fir her to take as she was high risk for a bad reaction & death. About 20 minutes later my heart was racing, I have a minor heart complaint that made this a big concern so I went back to DD & told her I was scared that whatever was I that bag was strong & was affecting me & depending on what it was I would need to go to A&E. She again denied knowing what it was, insisting someone had dropped it.

My iPad used to be DDs, I sometimes get notifications of instagram messages & can see the header. Message from her close friend saying "mums just found Ket in my room," so I went onto her laptop & to the messages & basically friend has told her DM the same lie mine told me & her mums accepted it. How relieved they are to get away with it etc.

There's so much more to this as to where this drug is coming from, past worry of her drug taking, Ketamine I'm told is an out of town favourite & the connections there have already thrown up a scary situation where an obsessive lad was messaging DD about his rape fantasy about her, ahead of him being sectioned. DD had stayed at his house & this is a tucking date rape drug!!

I'm so hurt she's putting her self at risk in this way, I'm so hurt that she knew what was in the bag & yet didn't tell me when I was worried my heart rate was going nuts. I'm so hurt that it was on the gucking floor & could have killed our kitten. I can't believe she is this fucking stupid when she knows exactly how bad her health can get if she isn't very careful.

I tackled her this morning & without owning up to reading her messages, I said I was contacting her friends DM as she needed to know they were using this. Seems from that it's just the girls that have the connection to this out of town area & she's begged me not to tell her friends DM as she will be in so much trouble, telling me about her friends DM finding the same thing I did & friend has just lied to her, so basically owning up to the messages.

I am contacting the friends DM, they both need protecting & she's tge one that insists on keeping contact with the out of Towners, especially the manipulative creepy lad who was sectioned & is now out. Came out to a fucking party put on by his DM, with the instructions no drugs in the house, but he gardens ok. Huge pressure on my DD to go & it's clear DD worries that she might lose her best friend if she says how she really feels about this lad

Urghhhhh!! How to I go from here, I've read her the riot act & not held back saying how fucking stupid she is for putting herself at risk like this. She insisting that she didn't realise that this drug is one of the reasons she needs specialist anaesthetic fir surgery, dental work etc, but we've always spoke openly about drugs & made damned sure that she knew she's a high risk fir serious harm.

I do want to contact the other DM, if it were me I'd want to know, but I don't know her at all & only have contact details for her because she took something I freecycled & it ended up in the photos of a party DD was at, so we swapped messages about how funny that was & relising our DDs are good friends.

HTF do I word such a message

Are you sure it’s Ket? Your reaction doesn’t sound like it was.

Whereabouts in the country are you OP? Might know some good youth drug services.

I think if you're funding any driving lessons, that comes to a close until she's prepared to have a sensible discussion about her usage.

From your description of your reaction it sounds more like speed or possibly fentanyl.

Your discussion with your daughter needs to include "so I read your messages".

If you want her to be honest with you, you need to be honest with her.

Fgs, get this moved to teenagers and away from the idiots on aibu! Your actions and description of this predator boy are irrelevant as to what you need to do now

I think you can't not speak to this girl's mother. If it were you, wouldn't you want to know. Also maybe seek support from school, familylives.org.uk and Talk to Frank.

I have a teenager and am not here yet (hopefully) but dd tells me some of her friends are

I'm sorry that so many more of you have been through this, it is very scary & we thought we were pretty clued up & have hammered home the drugs message, especially the health/mental health concerns since much younger, fir all the good it has done.

I'll reply properly later but just wanted to answer a few questions

My knowledge of drug forms is out of date, I realise that after researching a bit deeper as to what could be in the bag. I only knew of 3 that comes in powder form, one obvious by the colour, one of the others would have numbed the tip of my tongue. Seems ket, mdma & several others now are also commonly sold as powder.

I'm not sure why I react so much to it, partly because I'm also not allowed certain anaesthetic due to the same medical reasons & scarily because I think it was really bloody strong.

Yes Deep South & it's rife around here, but worse in satellite towns with the heavier drugs, hence why we've been on it ramming the anti drug message home since primary age, fir all the good it's done

Oh & she owned up to it being with ketamine or mdma later, but insisted she didn't know which, but she's now owned up that it is definitely ketamine.

I'm not proud of reading her messages fir all the reasons you describe & wont be owning up to that to her & don't have to as she owned up to what I saw when I spoke to her again. She is 17, seems very mature in some ways, but has aspergers too, so is more vulnerable in other ways. I could always trust her not to lie until some if her friends told her it's more normal fir teens to lie to parents & it's been downhill ever since

I've sent her so many medical articles & research papers about her medical conditions & the effect these drugs will have, I don't think she's even looked at them, just lied to me & her dad. I still can't believe she's been this stupid though.

Sorry you've had so many attacking replies OP. You are a parent in distress and this site is meant to be a place where you can ask for support.
Trouble with all this is that teenagers often back themselves into a corner with denials and then find it impossible to get themselves out of it when the shit hits the fan. And drugs are scary - so many children / teenagers are being targeted at the moment. My approach with teenagers when shit happens is to acknowledge that they will make mistakes - that's how they learn - and then to let them know I'm completely on their side. Place yourself alongside her in a 'tough love supportive' role. She's messed up - it won't be the first time in her life but the worst is over. Now we need to support you to grow and be independent but to stay safe (iyswim).

Ohhhhh you're American. And in the South. Everything suddenly makes sense.

it sounds more like speed or possibly fentanyl

Not fentanyl, it's an opiate. Opiates depress heart rate and breathing. This sounds like a stimulant - cocaine or amphetamines.

Also, fentanyl is horrifically dangerous. depending on the strength, residue could be enough to kill you.

An increased heart rate doesn’t mean it wasn’t ketamine. At low doses it increases heart rate.

Jeez, why are people picking on the nom-issues in the post.
OP, I do think you should try to let the friend's mother know in person, taking the bag with you. She already must have her suspicions so I doubt it will be a huge shock. I'd also voice your concerns about the people your daughters are hanging around with. A boy who has already expressed rape fantasies to your daughter can't be a good influence.
I hope your daughter and her friend soon realise the gravity of casual drug taking and how easily it can descend into addiction, stealing their youth, their looks, their job and life prospects and how tough life with a criminal record can be. I'm not surprised that you're so upset with her.

Get the police involved OP - it’s the only way. Have that motherfucker dealer arrested too!
Police can come in and tell DD and her friend the consequences of buying drugs, using them and how getting involved in possible drug gangs can change her whole future, or not, god forbid, if rivalry is present.

I can't for one second think that the daughter is doing something sensible. And I get the concern any parent would have. But hell, the total and entire over-reaction here is a slam dunk for your daughter never trusting you again. You are talking about invading her privacy, reading her messages, dragging her out and shaming her in front of her friends and their parents. Yeah, she'll learn her lesson from all that, won't she? I absolutely understand why you are upset, but clam down - you can, and it sounds like you will, make this all worse than it already is. It's dangerous yes. You care about her, yes. But driving a wedge in so that she can never trust you, never talk to you, and possibly even push her away from you and into the hands of people who will further exploit her vulnerability - well that doesn't seem sensible. She is 17 - you cannot stop her doing a damned thing, but you can drive her so far away that she'll happily do a lot more of it!

But yes, a bloody stupid thing to do, even though I know you CAN identify some drugs this way, so in the spur of the moment it made sense.

So you regularly take illegal drugs to be able to identify them

This is probably the most idiotic post I have ever read on here

doesn't matter what drug it is. The girl is dabbling with county lines, knife crime and gangs which are all funded and encouraged by drugs (and yes, that includes the nappy valley gang on here who see nothing wrong with cannabis). This is how youngsters end up dead.

sod her privacy and her rights. She is too stupid to have them at the moment and is in serious danger. Get help, including the police.

let her be shamed. Let her see what she is involved in and what she is risking. She's brought the filth into your house and is at serious risk of rape. How many more red flags are needed?

I would team up with other mother to addrsss this.

However i would also seek out some joint counselling for you and your dd. There's clearly a very complicated relationship and set of circumstances here - and actually taking the drug in front of her was manipulative rather than assertive. You need to find a much better way to relate to each other.

Ketamine is thought to be appealing as a self med for depression.

Depression is very common among older teenage girls/young women.

Would use this as the angle to talk to her, in your position.

Good luck

Might have been 2-CB

@killerKetInMyHomeHelp Does your daughter have a history of taking drugs? Your post wasn't entirely clear in respect of this.

The problem is no matter what you tell her, when she is out of your sight, she is going to do what she wants to do and very sadly some things she may choose to do will be things you don't want her to do, especially taking drugs.

I don't think you (or anyone) can reason with or talk sense into a person who wants to experiment. Is it a foolish thing for her to do? Yes, absolutely it is but can you stop her? No, unfortunately I don't think you can.

I wish I had some great advice for you, I don't however. I can't imagine what would possess anyone to take Ketamin, isn't it a horse tranquiliser? I suppose all you as a parent can really do is hope for the best, hope she finds her own path, a path away from drugs and unsuitable friendships.

I have sympathy for any parents struggling with a child who is using drugs, I really genuinely do and it's an issue that could come to any of our doors, no family is immune. Good Luck!

I am absolutely dreading having teens. 6 years and I'll have my first one.

Not going to have a go at you for the "tasting" thing. You did it out of desperation. My parents went to extreme lengths with me as a teen too I fully admit I was a bitch from hell. It's taken me a long time to get out of that angry, selfish teenage mindset too.

There's always the police route. You ring the police or you tell your daughter you're going to ring them and report drugs found in your home, unless she comes clean about everything and gets some counselling. Then like a PP said, get a drugs test and take away all privileges until she does a clean one at least weekly. If she's anything like I was at 17 she relies on you completely for accommodation and emotional and financial support yes?

I'd probably go to extremes with mine, police, showing them shocking photos and shocking documentaries on drug addicts, such as "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict" (tears in my eyes just remembering watching it, it is one of the most HEART WRENCHING things you'll ever see) and the masses of stories from drug addicts now clean.

I'm not saying she's a hardcore drug taker but this could be how it starts.

My dad is an ex-firefighter and when I was your daughters age, he told me his worst memory was fighting a fire started by a 18 year old on WEED who burned the house down with his mum, dad, and baby brother asleep in his cot. My dad was one of many who desperately tried to rescue the baby but wasn't there in time. Parents both died. Teenager survived. I don't know what happened to him after.

Those were enough to put me off ever even trying drugs.

@VenusTiger

Yeah, a criminal record that will follow her for the rest of her life is really going to help

killerKet - have you considered that your drugs message might be a bit too histrionic for your dd's teenage brain to take seriously? Teenagers tend to put more weight on what their friends are telling them than what their parents are trying to say. If you are taking minute doses of unknown substances in front of her (which is, btw, setting a phenomenally bad example, anyway!), then complaining to her of extreme reactions which bear no resemblance to her own experience, and telling her she's much more at risk than anyone else, it might all just come across to her as mother saying "blah, blah, blah" and losing all credibility. It certainly wouldn't put most teenagers in the frame of mind where they feel able to admit things to you, rather than be secretive. Do you even know if she has taken any drugs herself, or if the residue was from a friend's use?
What are you actually wanting to achieve, here? Because frightening your dd into behaving as you want her to is not going to work.

I can't tell from your remarks if the "Deep South" thing means you're US or UK and that it's a tongue-in-cheek comment, which is frustrating. Anyway, I know from experience that I've done things which people might say invades privacy when I've been extremely worried....I don't know how your DD can reasonably expect privacy when she's telling bare faced lies and using drugs. If you're in the UK call or refer her to Catalyst which helps people 25 years or below with drug/alcohol use. My view is that this wasn't a quick dabble I'm afraid. Anyone who's prepared to allow their mum to sample the drug with a known illlness is clearly up to her eyes in this. I thought in the US you could refer a youngster directly into rehab with or without consent. In the UK the addict needs to consent and be ready to accept treatment. I feel for you OP, I've had similar pain like this recently, the stress and family impact is huge.

Out of Towners? Are we talking County Lines here?

The Police might not know this particular setup yet.

Your information could be the way in for them to find a whole bunch of trafficked and exploited children - which includes creepy ones with mental health issues. And the starting point for recruiting/grooming for CSE as well as disappearing to other towns further along.

If