Help Please Teen DD, Ketamine & Contacting Friends DM. WWYD

[killerKetInMyHomeHelp]

Long time intermittent regular, name changed. Penis beaker, Pom bears, naice ham etc . Not so much an AIBU, I'm sure I will be considered to be in part U by some of you, but if it keeps my DD safe from harm, I really don't care about crossing boundaries. I'm posting here from traffic, I hope you'll understand.

I'll try & keep it brief, but it's going to be difficult without drip feeding.

A few days ago whilst hoovering DDs room. She is just barely 17, I found a small plastic bag with the residue of off white powder in it. We approached it calmly with her & she denied all knowledge of it, insisting one of her friends must have dropped it & that she didn't know what it was, but it could be mdma or Ketamine as that's the only drugs she's known of in her circle. I tasted it in front of DD, partly to see if she'd own up as it could be dangerous to me & partly to see if I could work out what it was. Neither worked, We reminded DD that her not insignificant medical problems made this a ridiculous thing fir her to take as she was high risk for a bad reaction & death. About 20 minutes later my heart was racing, I have a minor heart complaint that made this a big concern so I went back to DD & told her I was scared that whatever was I that bag was strong & was affecting me & depending on what it was I would need to go to A&E. She again denied knowing what it was, insisting someone had dropped it.

My iPad used to be DDs, I sometimes get notifications of instagram messages & can see the header. Message from her close friend saying "mums just found Ket in my room," so I went onto her laptop & to the messages & basically friend has told her DM the same lie mine told me & her mums accepted it. How relieved they are to get away with it etc.

There's so much more to this as to where this drug is coming from, past worry of her drug taking, Ketamine I'm told is an out of town favourite & the connections there have already thrown up a scary situation where an obsessive lad was messaging DD about his rape fantasy about her, ahead of him being sectioned. DD had stayed at his house & this is a tucking date rape drug!!

I'm so hurt she's putting her self at risk in this way, I'm so hurt that she knew what was in the bag & yet didn't tell me when I was worried my heart rate was going nuts. I'm so hurt that it was on the gucking floor & could have killed our kitten. I can't believe she is this fucking stupid when she knows exactly how bad her health can get if she isn't very careful.

I tackled her this morning & without owning up to reading her messages, I said I was contacting her friends DM as she needed to know they were using this. Seems from that it's just the girls that have the connection to this out of town area & she's begged me not to tell her friends DM as she will be in so much trouble, telling me about her friends DM finding the same thing I did & friend has just lied to her, so basically owning up to the messages.

I am contacting the friends DM, they both need protecting & she's tge one that insists on keeping contact with the out of Towners, especially the manipulative creepy lad who was sectioned & is now out. Came out to a fucking party put on by his DM, with the instructions no drugs in the house, but he gardens ok. Huge pressure on my DD to go & it's clear DD worries that she might lose her best friend if she says how she really feels about this lad

Urghhhhh!! How to I go from here, I've read her the riot act & not held back saying how fucking stupid she is for putting herself at risk like this. She insisting that she didn't realise that this drug is one of the reasons she needs specialist anaesthetic fir surgery, dental work etc, but we've always spoke openly about drugs & made damned sure that she knew she's a high risk fir serious harm.

I do want to contact the other DM, if it were me I'd want to know, but I don't know her at all & only have contact details for her because she took something I freecycled & it ended up in the photos of a party DD was at, so we swapped messages about how funny that was & relising our DDs are good friends.

HTF do I word such a message

If you tell school/college safeguarding they will be obliged to involve the police, I think.

This is a scary situation but try to stay calm.

Have you thought about arming her with the right knowledge so she does know what she's doing?

She's already taking drugs. She's a teenager. What on earth can you do to stop her when she's at a party without your presence?

Have you thought about researching the drug with her so you both know the effects, and particularly the side effects combined with her medical conditions? Perhaps if she saw the cold, hard facts she might think twice about taking these? Not just "Dont take drugs, you'll end up twice as more likely to have a seizure" or whatever... I mean a bit more in depth than that.

Try to get her to empathise with you in a calm manner. Shouting and freaking out will only make her shut down.

I hope you find some way through this.

@MuchBetterNow mental health is no excuse for this vile behaviour. I have been sectioned 3 times in extreme psychosis and I never treated to rape any one or be racist or homophobic. I don't believe it comes from no where.

I wouldn't give a fuck about the other girl or her mother right now. Her mum found the stuff in her daughters room and knows as much as you do, it's up to her to sort out her daughter and believe her or not. You need to have a serious talk with your daughter.
How did she get the money for this? Does she have a job? Are you giving her cash? (if so, stop). What's her punishment for this? Health issues aside, it's a fucking stupid and dangerous thing to do.
TBH, my parents would have called the police before asking any questions so she's got off lightly so far.

No one is "trolling" you op. People are quite correctly questioning your motives for tasting a class a drug.

You posted in AIBU so you need to expect some challenges to your action.

I mean obviously you ARE dealing with your daughter- my point is, let the other mother deal with her own daughter as she will while you deal with yours, and that is the priority here.

Ketamine isn't a Class A drug.

Still dangerous though.

You're conflating too many issues. Your DD and her friend take drugs. The party, the boy who has been sectioned, etc - none of that is relevant. What is relevant is your DD is taking.

Tasting the residue was beyond stupid. You wouldn't have been able to tell what it was. I'm not sure how police/ss/ safeguarding would look at a mum tasting her DD's unknown drugs.

OP, ignore the attack dogs.

Sit other DM & both DDs down for a talk. Hit the roof. Ground them for the party. Ketamine is a shitty drug, assuming always it wasn't meth. Don't be polite.

I see why you did it OP. You were expecting your daughter to fucking care and in my eyes she needs to be absolutely throttled for not caring enough about her mother. I’d stop all money. She can take a packed lunch out, and if you have the money get her into counselling. It’s very very normalised taking drugs, and drug dealers are rife these days. Especially if your Deep South or up North. And it’s especially rife with young girls who have the spare money from the bank of mum and dad. It seems it doesn’t matter what solid childhood a child is given they will still explore the terrible things life can hold. Being a part girl is cool - have you seen Instagram?

My heart goes out to you OP. It really does. She is old enough to learn. And she is clearly old enough and wise enough to lie and manipulate, even if it could effect your actual life.

Can you meet the mum to put her in the picture separately? She may have more info you don't and vice versa.

I can understand trying to call her bluff by tasting it, she should have told you to stop, but didn't. Unfortunately not continuing gets DD off the hook slightly as how can you know it was something more sinister without trying or get say so.

I'd order a drugs testing kit and go from there. You should also remind her it won't be anyone else that gets in trouble if she's the one found in possession/taking/hiding drugs.

Party girl *

Not a good idea to put this on AIBU as you'll get mostly sniping unhelpful comments, as you've just found out.

I agree.
I’m really surprised that the OP is getting so little support on this thread. If I had been in the same position with my daughter I would have wanted advice on how to tackle this problem, not being flamed for tasting the drug or explaining about this boy whose mental health issues are damaging to her DD. I agree with Yestermost that mental health is no excuse for this vile behaviour.

There is a large number of mumsnetters who think it’s cool to take drugs and to let your nearly adult teenagers just “get on with it” because after all, the minute they turn 18, hey, they suddenly become responsible adults.

Real life isn’t like that. I’m sorry that you are getting so little help on this thread @killerKetInMyHomeHelp.

How sure are you it was Ket ? It tastes so absolutely vile, it can make you wretch and tends to slow heartrate.

From what you have said I would be more worried about the circumstances she is indulging in.

@ymf117 very good. Take her to a homeless shelter while your at it...

Also tell all family no money or gifts that can be sold on at Christmas, it just enables her.

@Sohololopopo our replies are practically from the same hymn sheet?

Finding an empty bag doesn't prove she has taken it, but she knew what it was and didn't stop her mum. A drugs testing kit will have her bang to rights.

I tasted it in front of DD, partly to see if she'd own up as it could be dangerous to me & partly to see if I could work out what it was.

Reminds me of that Come Fly With Me episode where the airport security get off their tits trying to work out if the substance is cocaine or amphetamine 😂

How do you know it was ketamine? I know you've seen a message from her friend, but that's not to say what you found was ket too.

From the sounds of your reaction it seems like more of a stimulant - mdma, speed, coke.

Ket isn't really a date rape drug, don't let your imagination run away with you here - it doesn't mix well with alcohol and people do take too much and become incapacitated but you know you've taken it, you can't disguise it as something else.

@ymf117 exactly I don’t think people realise how bad this is. How much a life can be ruined after taking drugs just once! The fact she was so deceptive at this young of an age is fucking frightening!

OP, i feel for you. Went through similar with DS a year ago.

It was his friend's Mum who contacted me though. We sat down with the 2 of them together, read them the riot act, told them everything we knew.

They were then grounded for 3 months, I also stopped giving DS any money and took over his finances completely so he had to ask me any time he wanted money.

Also took him to see someone whose life had basically been ruined by drug taking. I had evidence that other people they were at school with had also been involved & threatened to tell their parents too - but didn't in the end.

Ket is a seriously horrible drug but it is widely available and they all do it.

Also make sure we talk to DS regularly about drug taking & I'm fairly sure he's much more sensible now. The threat of being expelled from school was very effective.

In my view, you need to take a really firm line, but don't get angry, stay calm.

By the way, they will lie through their teeth. They always do.

DS did until we presented him with evidence and then he couldn't lie any more.

Ketamine would not make your heart race. Mdma night. It was more likely psychosomatic if you tasted a tiny amount of dust, whatever it was.

*might

Also i would demand she hand over her phone and go through her Instagram & snapchat accounts. You will find out what's going on.