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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up with baby?

56 replies

Pomley · 17/11/2019 06:57

I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable, but as I can't comprehend the lazyness perhaps I am!

DH works away all week, so I do everything around the house and for DS, I'm on maternity leave at the moment but going back to work soon. It was my choice to not move by his work, but it's still hard but I love DS and make the most of the time in the week where it's just us 2. Weekends I usually end up doing most things as he's been at work, which has me close to leaving him anyway. But last night I have been in the loo for most of the night, without being too much for a Sunday morning it hasn't been pleasant, and I hope it's something I've eaten rather than a bug. I'm in the spare room, and I can hear that DS is awake (but happy at the moment, I'll obviously go in if he is upset), and DH is awake. But no nappy change, no getting milk, he is obviously waiting for me to get up and do it.

Is it U to think that he could, for one morning, actually look after his son? And me, getting to my limit and thinking hard about leaving, even though we've just bought a house?

OP posts:
areyouafraidofthedark · 17/11/2019 07:01

Just tell him to get up with him as you still don't feel well and don't want to pass it onto the baby.

Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 07:03

I have @areyouafraidofthedark, well, I said last night when I started to feel rough; I could go in and say again, but you'd hope a grown man wouldn't need to be told (very naieve I know).

OP posts:
Napqueen1234 · 17/11/2019 07:05

Depends on your resolve but I would just stay in bed and pretend to be asleep. I don’t think men respond in the same way so he may be waiting for your DS to cry before going in but either way if he can actively ignore that that’s something you need to address and if he goes in and sorts him then problem solved! Hope you feel better soon!

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 17/11/2019 07:07

If you get out of bed and go in to the lazy prick, he’s just going to say you can do it because you’re already out of bed. If baby is happy, just lie on. It sounds like the marriage is not going well. Have you any savings stashed for leaving? If not, then start saving now.

ghostfromholidaypast · 17/11/2019 07:12

You should tell him again if it goes on to long because this sort of thing bills rage quick and your end up telling him to f-ing get up and be a dad you lazy prick!
Well I did once or twice with exh, came in from a night shift and he expected me to carry on looking after ds like I was a robot.

Not all men are like this, dp now wouldn't dream of it

REignbow · 17/11/2019 07:12

Aside the fact that he is hedging his bets, that you will go to DS, you must stay in the room. If you’ve been on the toilet all night, then you won’t want to pass it to your son.

Also, l get he works and you are on maternity leave, but why are you not sharing the care of DS on the weekends? He sounds selfish and entitled.

NoSauce · 17/11/2019 07:13

He obviously should get up with DS. Sounds like the relationship is pretty dead in the water to me OP. Your living a single life all week doing everything, you wouldn’t move to where be works, he won’t get up with his son.

What’s the point of being together?

notangelinajolie · 17/11/2019 07:13

Go and tell him he's on baby duty. Some men need telling what to do. You don't feel well, this is not a time for playing mind games with him or for posting on Mumsnet for that matter. You need to sleep it off and your DH needs to take over.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 17/11/2019 07:17

Text him. No need for you to get up then.

Weenurse · 17/11/2019 07:18

Yes, you need to tell him.
Some need step by step instructions.

hammeringinmyhead · 17/11/2019 07:21

Ah, one of those dads. The "I work hard all week" dads. I would try, once, to spell out that weekends need to be shared so you can have a break, whether ill or not. If he isn't happy with that he can have him by himself on weekends in his own house!

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2019 07:27

He gets to have a decent sleep every night so I get your reasoning.

How far away is his work? Is he tired from travelling a long way every weekend?

Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 07:28

I've told him, he said he will leave it while he is happy and then probably do it when he starts to get upset. I'm the higher earner, and have savings so I'm not worried about leaving financially, it's just sad as we had such a good relationship before this; but his attitude to me now is not appealing in the slightest. I didn't want to move with him as it is miles away from friends and family, and I wouldn't be able to find a comparable job there which would leave me extremely vulnerable and dependent.

OP posts:
OlderthenYoungerNow · 17/11/2019 07:30

It's going to be tough but do not let him manipulate you into sorting the baby out this morning.

BillHadersNewWife · 17/11/2019 07:33

I can't believe all the "Go in and tell him" answers! He's not stupid! Or is he?

DON'T manage him OP.

If you feel better later, piss off out to a cafe on your own and leave him with the children.

hammeringinmyhead · 17/11/2019 07:33

"Probably"? Charming.

Littlecaf · 17/11/2019 07:38

Ok, don’t ltb just yet. What couple hasn’t lay in bed hoping the other will answer the cries of their child? Give it another few mins, I’d he doesn’t go in then give him a reminder that you’re not well. I agree it’s selfish but you need to work through things (unless the relationship is fundamentally flawed in other ways).

underneaththeash · 17/11/2019 07:49

I wouldn't get up to a perfectly content baby either!

53rdWay · 17/11/2019 07:55

What a lazy sod. Does he do any of the parenting when you’re well?

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/11/2019 08:02

If I were tired (and I was always tired in the early years) I wouldn’t get up while the baby was happy either. Why would you? What’s wrong with your DH waiting until the baby voices some discontent?

In general though I agree with those saying he should be doing plenty at the weekend when you aren’t sick if he does nothing during the week due to being away. I don’t think it’s wise to have let this dynamic develop and advise trying to dress it ASAP and certainly before you return to work.

Windygate · 17/11/2019 08:03

If he has been away from Monday to Friday for most of his child's life he probably has no understanding of how much work a child is or how bone achingly tiring it can be. Once you are back at work he will still have no comprehension of just how hard it can be.

I suspect your annoyance at him not seeing to the baby this morning is something of a red herring and there's a back story. Leaving a content baby to burble isn't a negative thing to do.

user1493413286 · 17/11/2019 08:04

So he gets every evening to himself during the week (although I acknowledge that’s not necessarily by choice) then doesn’t do his fair share at weekends?
I had to battle my DH to understand that weekends are 50:50 while I was on maternity leave but now I’m back at work I’m really glad I did otherwise I don’t think our marriage would have survived. I made DH see that he needed to do more by getting him to see that the more time and effort he put into our DD the better his relationship with her is.

Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 08:04

@underneaththeash he isn't crying, but he's been awake and banging on the side of the cot for a while, plus his nappy has been on for over 12 hours where he sleeps though; I would have changed it so he doesn't get sore. Probably agt r changing he would still be quite content for a while, but I feel that's important.

And no, he doesn't normally help. It is a fairly long drive back, but I normally get up with DS every single day so normally he can lie in as much as he likes. Plus he had a good job here which he changed for no benefit when I was pregnant, so I view his travel as his choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 08:06

Obviously though my choice on the nappy changing, but I would bet money he won't do anything when he does get upset, as he never does.

OP posts:
Havaina · 17/11/2019 08:09

I didn't want to move with him as it is miles away from friends and family, and I wouldn't be able to find a comparable job there which would leave me extremely vulnerable and dependent.

It sounds like you knew on some level that he is not reliable.

He sounds very lazy. Are there other reasons you want to leave? Does he do nothing on weekends unless asked?