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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up with baby?

56 replies

Pomley · 17/11/2019 06:57

I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable, but as I can't comprehend the lazyness perhaps I am!

DH works away all week, so I do everything around the house and for DS, I'm on maternity leave at the moment but going back to work soon. It was my choice to not move by his work, but it's still hard but I love DS and make the most of the time in the week where it's just us 2. Weekends I usually end up doing most things as he's been at work, which has me close to leaving him anyway. But last night I have been in the loo for most of the night, without being too much for a Sunday morning it hasn't been pleasant, and I hope it's something I've eaten rather than a bug. I'm in the spare room, and I can hear that DS is awake (but happy at the moment, I'll obviously go in if he is upset), and DH is awake. But no nappy change, no getting milk, he is obviously waiting for me to get up and do it.

Is it U to think that he could, for one morning, actually look after his son? And me, getting to my limit and thinking hard about leaving, even though we've just bought a house?

OP posts:
Daisy7654 · 17/11/2019 08:15

Bring down the barriers if you want the marriage to survive. Tell HIM to get up and change the baby. Rather than telling us.

You're meant to be a team. He probably doesn't realise (men are idiots but they're not too bad , re "can't live with em, can't live without em" song.) Good luck.

LadyAllegraImelda · 17/11/2019 08:22

It's great you are financially and emotionally independent OP, whatever you decide to do, keep that xx.

JacobReesClunge · 17/11/2019 08:24

If I were tired (and I was always tired in the early years) I wouldn’t get up while the baby was happy either. Why would you? What’s wrong with your DH waiting until the baby voices some discontent?

This might be true under usual circumstances, but when one partner is ill, which he is evidently aware of if OP has been up all night and is in the spare room, acting pre-emptively rather than waiting until the baby cries and potentially wakes the ill partner up would be the considerate thing to do. It's not a lot to expect a bit of consideration when you're sick.

Also, given that OP apparently does nearly everything at the weekend and he doesn't appear to have got up with his child yesterday, what has he got to be tired about?

Mrsmarrs · 17/11/2019 08:24

Tell your husband that 1, the time on the weekends would be excellent bonding time with DC 2. You need a break, time to relax, unwind, not have a baby constantly attached to you. Finally, to get the fuck over himself! There are other dads who work a full week and then muck in at the weekends, it's called being a parent/teamwork.

I can't believe how selfish SOME men can be Angry

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/11/2019 08:25

OP I would get up with the baby.The reason I would do this and I could never rest ...and I suspect you will be the same.Laying there knowing the baby needs a drink and the nappy changed whilst that idle shit just lays there knowing it too....I am my own worst enemy in situations like this.I never switch off ,maybe its to prove a point who knows but if I have asked my husband to do something and he doesnt do it I will not ever ask again,I dont expect to have to. Over the years it becomes obvious to the children who does what and who they can rely on....My daughter said the other day( and she is 8,) when I asked her to stay with dad whilst I nipped out to the shops "No mummy I am coming with you..daddy is boring and doesnt do anything" Shocked the shit out of him that did to hear that...not nice but out of the mouths of babes ...

Booboostwo · 17/11/2019 08:26

It's unbelievable how some men behave. He is actually doing less parenting than he would be doing if you were divorced and he saw your DS EOW. How can he call himself a father?

peanacat · 17/11/2019 08:44

I’ve got up with the baby both times this weekend, and he was the one that originally woke her up by getting up and going to the toilet! I’m annoyed enough about that, but if you’ve been up ill all night then that is ridiculous! I don’t understand why some men feel like they can do this! If you feel up to it, I'd go and wash my hands, pick up the baby and put him in the bed with his dad, then leave. Even my husband can’t sleep through/ignore a baby grabbing at them, trying to roll everywhere and babbling. If you don’t feel up to it then I’d text him and tell him you are too unwell to get up and he needs to take your son downstairs/other side of the house because he needs a bottle and you want to catch up on sleep.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/11/2019 08:48

Why would anyone get up to a baby who is lying contently?

bipbop · 17/11/2019 08:50

So the baby doesn't get nappy rash.

I'd leave him. He's not stupid, he's just a lazy prick.

Elieza · 17/11/2019 08:50

You need to talk about who is responsible for what at the weekend. Eg you are on mat leave from your day job. You used to have evenings off. Now it seems that you are expected to ‘work’ caring for baby during the day. AND in the evening. You are expected to be available to baby 24/7. How’s that fair. It’s a slog. (If love, but still a slog).

There are two weekend days. One each for you to get a long lie. Sort in advance. As for him being lazy the rest of the time, that will take more work....

Havaina · 17/11/2019 08:52

@Streetwise baby has been in wet nappy for 12 hours and OP says he won't get up with even when she's upset.

LittleBearPad · 17/11/2019 08:55

If the baby is happy I wouldn’t get up either.

Sally you are your own worst enemy.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 17/11/2019 08:55

Plus he had a good job here which he changed for no benefit when I was pregnant, so I view his travel as his choice.

He sounds like a bit of a shit, OP.

IncrediblySadToo · 17/11/2019 09:01

Why would anyone get up to a baby who is lying contently?

So they don’t get a sore bum?

Because you haven’t seen them all week?

So your partner who has been up with D&V can sleep?

Because you’re not a prick...

@Pomley. He sounds selfish and not interested in you or DS. I think telling him to leave sounds like a good option. Could you keep the house if you were on your own? Obviously work out a way to give him a fair share of the deposit (over time) if he contributed to it.

Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 09:03

When I say content, I mean not crying hysterically; but shaking the side of the cot and babbling which is always the prelude. As he sleeps from about 1830 until 0700 without waking in the night, I don't really see why it should reach the level he is crying to change a nappy, especially as weaning combined with teething has left him fairly sore. Just changing it and then going back to bed would be alright, but I know he won't feed him (as has not happened before when I've dared to ask for an hour or so extra in bed) when he does get upset anyway. I guess there's all of the reasons people have pointed out as well, we have spoken numerous times about things, but it changes for an hour or so then back to the usual. I don't want DS to suffer just because I'm trying to prove a point, DH more than likely knows this, but I just can't do it as he won't crack.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomley · 17/11/2019 09:05

@IncrediblySadToo thankfully I could pay him his share of the deposit and payments so far back straight away. But I would look for a smaller house in likelihood for extra stability and because I don't see the need for having lots of space for the sake of it, especially important if I'm alone. I think I have resigned myself to the fact, it's just getting the wheels in motion.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 17/11/2019 09:07

Time to sit down and talk to him. You’re not happy with the level of his involvement when he’s at home ( obviously ) and things either change or you tell him that you will think about leaving him.

Hopefully he will sort himself out. Sounds like he’s just pushing his luck.

Pinkblueberry · 17/11/2019 09:14

He is being a shit and neglectful dad right now - I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him so. Whether or not he’s been at work is irrelevant. My DH works abroad a lot, I’m at work most of the week - does he think working mums and dads who are on their own don’t get up with their children at the weekend and leave them with no milk and wet nappies all morning while they have a lie in? Pathetic and entitled waste of space.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 17/11/2019 09:15

Is the baby still in the cot after waking two hours ago?!

OrangeSlices998 · 17/11/2019 09:17

He knows you’ll cave as he isn’t really a parent or actively involved here at all, so it’s how long you can leave it until your resolve kicks in. I’d be tempted to go get the baby, take him in to your DH and be really clear ‘I do not feel well and don’t want to pass it on to the baby. He needs a clean nappy and some breakfast. I’m going back to bed’ and give him the baby and just walk away. He will only ever step up if you step back, don’t be a martyr, and don’t let him get away with the bullshit of it being your job.

I hope you feel better Flowers

slipperywhensparticus · 17/11/2019 09:22

Tell him ok but wet sheets make a bigger change than a wet nappy make it clear he is changing the sheets

Hermanfromguesswho · 17/11/2019 09:27

I’d get the baby up, take you and the baby to your parents house if they are nearby or a close friend. Explain the situation. You rest today while they look after the baby and then as soon as you are feeling better go full steam ahead with getting rid of the lazy arsehole

ChilledBee · 17/11/2019 09:43

Please OP, listen to yourself. Your husband is leaving your baby in a pissy and possibly shitty nappy for hours. He does nothing for his child. Is that what you want your son to see?

carly2803 · 17/11/2019 10:31

nothing more unattractive than a lazy partner.

im glad your in a good financial position OP, and i would literally tell him to stay away if he cant be arsed dealing with the day to day of his son :(

Greenkit · 17/11/2019 10:33

did he get up and sort DS?