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my dh wants to take us to New Zealand, I don't want to go

94 replies

tripletsandtwins · 19/08/2007 22:36

Hiya, I've had an argument with my husband about this, and I wanted to know what other people think...

I've been happily married to my husband for 5 years, I moved to America for him from England because he didn't want to move over. So I left my family and friends to start a new life in the states, flying to see them as often as I can.

We went on to have 3 year old triplets, and I?m 19 weeks pregnant with twins.

We have been living in Palm Beach, in Florida, but we know that we don't want to stay there and we've been saving up to move for ages. I suggested that we move to a different area in Florida, staying near his family, or back to England, where my family is. However, my husband says that he wants to take us to New Zealand, as he has been offered a job and a house over there.

My husband thinks that we're wasting a very good opportunity that will never come again if we don't take this: it would be a new start for the family, the house is gorgeous, the job is fabulous, ideal and well paid, the community is nice, it would be perfect for the kids...the list goes on and on.

I don't think I could cope with upping and leaving all the foundations that I've built in Florida, especially since I'm pregnant with twins. By the time we got there, I would be at least 30 weeks. Also, I would see my family even less frequently than I do now, since it is such a long flight. I told dh that if he wants to go to New Zealand he can go, but he will be alone...was that wrong of me? Do you think I should go to New Zealand with him? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
oliveoil · 23/08/2007 09:37

I don't think I would move to the end of the road with triplets whilst being pregnant with twins tbh

NZ is fab though, we pencilled in 2 weeks on our round the world trip and stayed for 2 months

spent the whole time going OMG LOOK AT THAT VIEW


potoroo · 23/08/2007 09:44

Just on the logistical side, you won't be able to get travel insurance for twins at 30 weeks, and many airlines may refuse to carry you that late (you will definitely need a doctor's certificate as a minimum).

weirdbird · 23/08/2007 10:42

The one thing I would find out is whether if your twins are born in NZ will they have different nationality than the triplets? Presumably the triplets are US citizens?

ghosty · 23/08/2007 11:03

They could have dual nationality - like my children do.
DS born in the UK, has british passport (due to birth) AND NZ citizenship (because he was eligible after living there for 3 years)
DD born in NZ, has British (claimed through DH) AND NZ passports (through birth).

sibble · 23/08/2007 20:50

I agree with Ghosty re. housing prices and resale value - at least in the Auckland area. Our property has at least doubled in the past 5 years. As for the ecomony, it's not great at the moment and the dollar is constant news but that's not IMO isolated to NZ. The US economy drives alot of markets and it's the US dollar v NZ dollar that's affecting our export market etc. That combined with the govt's monetary policy is hitting some people hard but we're not in a recession by any stretch of the imagination.

There are quite a few things here that drive me insane and I don't think I will ever really get used to - it is hicksville, about an hour south of AUckland state highway one is little more than a poxy goat track imo, I do go stir crazy with how quiet it is (no dept stores, density of population - I love coming home and always go through Hong Kong, I get a real buzz wandering through Hong Kong but hten I'm a city person and maybe that's my fault for living on 11 acres with sheep for friends instead of living close to the tube with London on my doorstep!) no public transport around Auckland, the attitude of alot of kiwi's (I won't go into that too much fof fear of offending my fellow countrymen but that's all part and parcel of living in a different culture. The thing about NZ is it's not England, it is imo very different we just speak a similar language (kiwi vowel sounds take a bit of practice) and share heritage with alot of kiwis.

My DS's have dual nationality too, ds1 born in UK with NZ citizenship through dh and ds2 nz born with UK citizenship thorugh me.

Well at least you have certainly opened up some debate. Not sure if I mentioned in my earlier post but a friend of mine is moving out for 2 years in a few months with her family of 4. I'm so looking forwrad to having an old friend here albeit she'll be in Wellington and I'll be up here, it's a darn sight closer.

sibble · 23/08/2007 23:47

slightly off track from the op but I've just had a why do I live here moment. It's winter, the skies are clear blue and it's warm. I've just sat on our deck listening to Moby looking over our 11 acres, not a neighbour in sight, the lid is off our 12m lap blue which is glistening in the sunlight, the gardens look fantastic as we spent most of last w/e weeding and once the workmen have gone I'm off to the gym as I don't have to work here. DS1's chicks are cheeping in the background, they're 2 days old, he goes to a little country school and is rearing them for agricultural day. It may be a long way from home but all in all not bad for a girl born in Whitechapel who spent her early years growing up in Dagenham. This is why I live here.

ghosty · 24/08/2007 03:54

sibble ... nice post

And I can verify everything she says as I have been to her house lots of times

twentypence · 24/08/2007 04:16

Singapore airlines fly from Christchurch to London via Changi - two planes. I have never flown to Aucklandto get to the UK - I simply went via Australia. Christchurch has an International airport, so enough already miljee.

Geraldine would be a lovely place to bring up all your children. It's not the arse end of nowhere - it's near (by US standards) to Christchurch, and near to at least 2 other good size towns.

I would love to bring up a large family in Geraldine - however I only have a small family so Christchurch suits me better.

AnnainNZ · 24/08/2007 07:13

Tripletsandtwins - although I'm telling you how nice it is here, I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't feel like a party pooper if you don't want to come. I really like it but it was MY decision to come here, I was young, free and single and had several years to settle in and make friends, before having kids. I certainly didn't have 5 under 4!

It is a fab place but your considerations will be v different from mine. Also, if you wouldn't be flying till about 30 wks pg you would have v little time to settle/find your way around espec as twins are quite often prem aren't they? So you may only be here 5 or 6 wks before they arrived!

About the quietness of the place, I did miss the shops etc when I first got here - still do occasionally - but not much, am used to it now. I remember a Kiwi friend taking me to what she called "a giant shopping mall" - it had about 30 shops in it . Now I've been here 6 years I know where to find the decent shops etc - helps that I'm in a big city I suppose.

Budababe · 24/08/2007 07:18

Difficult one tripletsandtwins.

We have moved about a lot - Bangkok for 2 years and Vietnam for 6 - pre children. When I was PG with DS (now 6) we moved to Bulgaria and stayed there for 3 years and have now been in Budapest for 3 years. Since having DS I really appreciate being closer to home - 2.5 hour flight. He loves his cousins and we get to see them 3 or 4 times a year.

DH would move again - in a drunken moment I agreed to Shanghai recently but thankfully nothing has happened yet! In a way I would love it and it would be great for DS to see that side of the world and we have lots of friends in and around Asia/Oz/NZ.

BUT - it is just so FAR. And I only have one child.

I would imagine that once settled you would have a great life in NZ. Others have pointed out all the benefits. But you do need to give SERIOUS consideration to the distance to get to see both your family in UK and your DH's in US. Your reality may not even be a trip home every year - it may be one year to US and one to UK. Will friends and family come to see you? While some look on it as a great incentive to travel others (like my parents!) just wouldn't.

And you will be tied to travelling with your DH as I don't THINK airlines will let you fly with that many children and only one adult. So you couldn't go a week earlier than your DH for instance and stay a week later which I often do.

On the other hand - you could commit to it for 2 years and accept that you will not see your family much in that time. (I am finding that I want to see mine more as I get older - especially with my sisters having children.)

Then after the 2 years are up you are in a strong position to argue to your DH that you moved twice for him and now it may be his turn to move for you.

captainahab · 24/08/2007 08:23

just want to add that the twins will also have US citizenship through father.

fizzbuzz · 24/08/2007 08:52

Did you know your husband was applying for the job or was he just offered it?

With twins and triplest I think you need to stay near family, NZ may be a lovely place, but what will the quality of your home life be like with no support?

TBH, I think your dh is being a bit selfish. You left England for him, and now he wants you to go to NZ. Where do you come in his priorities. 5 children under 5 is no picnic, and a move would be so stressful on top of this.

fizzbuzz · 24/08/2007 08:52

Did you know your husband was applying for the job or was he just offered it?

With twins and triplest I think you need to stay near family, NZ may be a lovely place, but what will the quality of your home life be like with no support?

TBH, I think your dh is being a bit selfish. You left England for him, and now he wants you to go to NZ. Where do you come in his priorities. 5 children under 5 is no picnic, and a move would be so stressful on top of this.

fizzbuzz · 24/08/2007 08:52

Did you know your husband was applying for the job or was he just offered it?

With twins and triplest I think you need to stay near family, NZ may be a lovely place, but what will the quality of your home life be like with no support?

TBH, I think your dh is being a bit selfish. You left England for him, and now he wants you to go to NZ. Where do you come in his priorities. 5 children under 5 is no picnic, and a move would be so stressful on top of this.

tripletsandtwins · 29/08/2007 20:09

Thanks again for all your replies! I was honestly expecting everyone to say ?what are you doing idiot? Get over to New Zealand now!?

I?m not going to be flying, we?ve had to change that plan because dr said he wouldn?t give me a certificate, so dh would be flying out mid October and coming back some time in the middle of December, wait for the births, then we?ll all fly out when they?re a month or so old.

I only want what is best for my kids, if they love it, and I hate it, then I?ll put up with it for them, but if they hate it, even if I love it, I?ll take them back to America (where I am now Sibble). I have done loads of looking into this and I?ve seen that there is tons of things they can be doing, which would be brilliant for them?

Belgo, if my dh wants to move again in 5 years?I think I might kill him! By then though, the kids would be 8 and 5 and I wouldn?t let him disrupt them once they got settled into school. The only reason I?m considering it now is because it is not going to be a huge disruption to them, and they?ll adapt quickly.

Fizzbuzz, my dh was offered the job, and he really really wants to take it, I think if I wasn?t so hesitant he would already be over there. You?ve pointed out my biggest problem, how would I cope with all the kids? Triplets are really hard work, and I have a nanny and 2 teenagers helping me atm, and my MIL, I don?t really depend on them admittedly, I like to know they are there and I have something to fall back on if one of them needs to go somewhere I can?t take the others, and its fabulous to get some free time, even if it?s not much...but then add newborn twins into the equation? But then I think, are the benefits for a potentially better childhood worth the hardship it would cost me? I answer myself, of course it would, I would give anything, do anything for my kids, but I don?t like the fact that it?s not certain that it would be better for them. They?d be growing up away from all other family and I know that when I was a kid, I loved going to grandmas, growing up in a rural place?

My dh would be earning enough money for us to fly out once a year, to either see his family or mine .

who knows what I should do? Even on this thread I?m getting a ton of different answers. Bad thing is they want an answer by September.

OP posts:
imnotweirdimgifted · 29/08/2007 21:03

I live very close to Geraldine, and I'd be happy to help you if you do come over . I'm not on here very often, so you can email me: [email protected] and I'll help all I can.

I love it here, I travelled around the world a few years ago, and I didn't find a single place I loved more than here

welliemum · 30/08/2007 02:19

You know something ... I think it's do-able.

I only have 2 children and no multiples so you're welcome to jeer at my ignorance on that score, but I live in NZ (rural area near Wellington) and I love it. It's great for children but (importantly) adults too. Obviously you have to be keen on the things NZ has to offer and not hanker after what isn't there. Only you will know what suits you.

With childcare, if your DH's salary will stretch that far, what about hiring a nanny right from the start? (you'll get some free childcare too as pointed out further down the thread). Then you've got an extra pair of hands and someone to help with schlepping children around. I think you'll get more help by having someone permanently on-the-spot than you would by relying on family chipping in.

The other main issue with family and friends is keeping contact. We do this by email/Skype/webcam and of course it's not as good as chatting face-to-face, but it works well. It does take a bit of effort though.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Genidef · 30/08/2007 04:43

I haven't read all the posts - am at parents in US and time on internet is an issue - but as I've moved too, I was really moved by your OP.

I settled permanently in the UK (I'm from the US). It's really important the motivation for the move isn't based on some sort of idealised vision of the place. Has your husband ever set foot in NZ? Just why is the job so fab -no job is 'ideal'? Why do you need a 'new start' anyway? The fab house that looks great on the internet, and that you've mentally moved into, is likely to be NOTHING like what you expected.

There could well be compelling reasons to move five children - two of whom will be newborn- across the world and it's exciting and stimuilating too. But if it were me, I would want to make sure there wasn't a 'grass is always greener' thing going on here if it's important to you to put roots down. There will always be some other 'exciting place' which could appeal to him.

Is there even a remote chance you could visit before agreeing to a move?

twentypence · 30/08/2007 04:55

I can't believe that they can't wait for him until December when you can all travel. I'm not sure that I would want my dh to work for a company that would leave a woman with triplets and pg with twins half way across the world just as she needs her dh the most. Has he even mooted a later start?

welliemum · 30/08/2007 05:59

Good point from twentypence. It's important that your DH has a family-friendly workplace.

chopster · 30/08/2007 08:21

Reading through it all, it doesn't really sound like you do have a lot of choice. He is going to go anyway, and I'm thinking that won't you will struggle to cope with 5 without his support? Maintaining a relationship for any amount of time over such a long distance is going to be so difficult.

I've never emigrated, but I've moved counties twice for dp. The first time I loved it, really settled in. The second time was a move that was going to give a better quality of life for the kids, but I've never been as happy here. The first time, I moved 200 miles from my parents - might as well have been NZ as far as they are concerned - I see them a couple of days a year. I then fell pregnant with the dts, so had 4 under 5. my ds1 has sn too, so I really did have my hands full. We've struggled at times, badly, but we've gotten through it. At I do think doing what's best for us as a family, in terms of career and quality of life, is more important than being close to extended family. But then again, my extended family never have been big on hands on help.

I think you got some great advice about makign things run smoother and you are going to have to agree to getting a lot of help. If it is a bigger house, could you get a live in au pair or something?

Good luck with it, whatever happens, it sounds an incredibly hard decision.

twentypence · 30/08/2007 19:57

I'm no expert but chances of Au Pair in Geraldine are slim I would imagine. Chances of lots of little old ladies to help you are high - I know a couple of said little old ladies if you need them. One is the grandmother of twins.

Are you a churchgoer?

Paddlechick666 · 30/08/2007 20:54

haven't read the whole thread but personally i'd jump at the chance to go.

having said that, i only have 1 dd and a heap of mates in ChCh already.

my best friends and 2 other couples (with kids) are all returning in the next year or so too.

whilst i'll be in the UK close to family, the majority of my friends (and support) will be O/S.

my mum knows I am seriously considering going myself even tho it'd break my heart to take dd from her.

anyways, Canterbury is nice and I am sure you'd really love it there. it is a daunting prospect but tbh, NZ over the UK or even the US for a great place to bring up kids wins out every time.

hope you guys work out a good solution. and KiaOra if you go for the Kiwi options

1dilemma · 30/08/2007 20:59

3 under 5 hats
will read whole thread now but NZ isn't all it's cracked up to be!

twentypence · 30/08/2007 23:08

Nowhere is all it's cracked up to be!

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