my dh wants to take us to New Zealand, I don't want to go

[tripletsandtwins]

Hiya, I've had an argument with my husband about this, and I wanted to know what other people think...

I've been happily married to my husband for 5 years, I moved to America for him from England because he didn't want to move over. So I left my family and friends to start a new life in the states, flying to see them as often as I can.

We went on to have 3 year old triplets, and I?m 19 weeks pregnant with twins.

We have been living in Palm Beach, in Florida, but we know that we don't want to stay there and we've been saving up to move for ages. I suggested that we move to a different area in Florida, staying near his family, or back to England, where my family is. However, my husband says that he wants to take us to New Zealand, as he has been offered a job and a house over there.

My husband thinks that we're wasting a very good opportunity that will never come again if we don't take this: it would be a new start for the family, the house is gorgeous, the job is fabulous, ideal and well paid, the community is nice, it would be perfect for the kids...the list goes on and on.

I don't think I could cope with upping and leaving all the foundations that I've built in Florida, especially since I'm pregnant with twins. By the time we got there, I would be at least 30 weeks. Also, I would see my family even less frequently than I do now, since it is such a long flight. I told dh that if he wants to go to New Zealand he can go, but he will be alone...was that wrong of me? Do you think I should go to New Zealand with him? Am I being unreasonable?

[expatinscotland]

I'd go because my aunt lives in Palm Beach and I find it a hell hole.

[1dilemma]

uh ghosty where exactly did I say she was bitter and twisted or that my Mum had been to Christchurch?She just comes across as a little threatened by a different view to her own.... read her posts.
Poor t&t inconsequential disagreements on her thread which hardly add anything to the discussion.

I did wonder whether the 2 children to an adult might be airline dependent (and in usual mumsnet fashion was waiting for someone to come on here and tell me so but I guess everyone has better things to do with their time !

fwiw op imho yanbu (memo to self should stick to this as an answer next time)
your dh might be being a little unresonable asking you to do this but I hope you find a solution you are both really happy with as I have tried to say I really take my hat off to anyone with triplets and twins!! (yeah spelt it right this time)
maybe if you both do that reflective
what do I want? (with an importance ranking)
where do I want it?
how do I get there?
what wont I compromise on?
etc etc it will give you both some talking points/common ground

[ghosty]

oh, hahahahahahha ... what a funny turn this thread has taken ...
20p is seriously bitter and twisted 1dilemma - I have met her a couple of times, she definitely has a chip on her shoulder and can be very very sensitive ....
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20p, when you next go shopping could you pick me up a "My mum's friend went to christchurch and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" T-shirt for my DS please?



As an aside, I had no idea that you couldn't fly on your own with more than 2 children. That definitely ends any vague thoughts I may have of going for No3 ...

Hope you manage to be able to make some kind of decision amongst all this conflicting advice twins and triplets

[MrsJohnCusack]

do contact me too tripletsandtwins - happy to help any way I can re NZ. good luck with everything!

[1dilemma]

!!

[twentypence]

tripletsandtwins if you need me contact me - I would hate to upset 1dilemma any further. However you are at a real decision point in your life and our bickering about tourist shops isn't helpful. It's amazing what we can find to disagree on on Mumsnet isn't it!

[1dilemma]

And in fact clearly someone has hit a raw nerve here. I went offto do something and found myself thinking 'what have I said? I must have said something really offensive to be the target of such vitriol from 20p', so came back to read it and in fact I mearly commented on some shopping opportunities the op might like to look into and that to anyone who really knows Oxford/Christchurch the oft quoted comparison is a bit misleading. I'm sure you'll agree that there are many differences?

[1dilemma]

Actually I am in a position to offar an opinion but don't need to explain why to you! The op can take or leave everyone's opinion but since she asked she is entitled to have more than just yours.
24 hr opening is the norm for many supermarkets in the UK but not Sunday for obvious reasons. (However I really don't think shopping is the be all and end all)

[1dilemma]

20 p me thinks you protest too much bit close to the bone are we?

[twentypence]

I'm sure that the so many children per adult is more to do with the reduced cost than actual supervision.

[twentypence]

Well then, that's settled, because MrsJC and I who are both British and actually live in Christchurch at the moment (rather than a visit what must have been rather a long time ago if your description is correct) have obviously no idea.

Geraldine has shops for Japanese tourists too, the coaches stop at them. It doesn't make it a place you wouldn't want to live.

Compared with the massive decision of uprouting and moving with 5 young children the NZ equivalent of a "kiss me quick" hat stall is hardly worthy of a mention of an entry in the "against" column.

And just for the record all the shops are open all the time now - much more than UK and probably on a par with the US. It's not uncommon for supermarkets to open 8-midnight on a Sunday.

[1dilemma]

Also is where you are in Florida really such an awful place to bring up children?
Next time I will read the whole thread and post once!

[1dilemma]

can two adults fly with 5 children? come to think of it we looked into flights recently pushed the wrong button (we don't have 5 ) and it kept telling us the limit was 2 children per adult (children defined as less than 14!) I have seen seomone fly with triplets and they had a nanny too (but they were babies)

[1dilemma]

Last time I was in Christchurch the high street consisted of rows of shops selling tourist goods to the Japanese, all the signs were in Japanese and they shut at midday on Saturday!

[1dilemma]

I'm a bit with miljee except I'm not so sure she's ever been to Oxford!

[1dilemma]

I'm a bit with miljee except I'm not so sure she's ever been to Oxford!

[1dilemma]

that was trying to say hats of to you (for having twins and triplets!)
20p the question was about NZ not nowhere!

[twentypence]

Nowhere is all it's cracked up to be!

[1dilemma]

3 under 5 hats
will read whole thread now but NZ isn't all it's cracked up to be!

[Paddlechick666]

haven't read the whole thread but personally i'd jump at the chance to go.

having said that, i only have 1 dd and a heap of mates in ChCh already.

my best friends and 2 other couples (with kids) are all returning in the next year or so too.

whilst i'll be in the UK close to family, the majority of my friends (and support) will be O/S.

my mum knows I am seriously considering going myself even tho it'd break my heart to take dd from her.

anyways, Canterbury is nice and I am sure you'd really love it there. it is a daunting prospect but tbh, NZ over the UK or even the US for a great place to bring up kids wins out every time.

hope you guys work out a good solution. and KiaOra if you go for the Kiwi options

[twentypence]

I'm no expert but chances of Au Pair in Geraldine are slim I would imagine. Chances of lots of little old ladies to help you are high - I know a couple of said little old ladies if you need them. One is the grandmother of twins.

Are you a churchgoer?

[chopster]

Reading through it all, it doesn't really sound like you do have a lot of choice. He is going to go anyway, and I'm thinking that won't you will struggle to cope with 5 without his support? Maintaining a relationship for any amount of time over such a long distance is going to be so difficult.


I've never emigrated, but I've moved counties twice for dp. The first time I loved it, really settled in. The second time was a move that was going to give a better quality of life for the kids, but I've never been as happy here. The first time, I moved 200 miles from my parents - might as well have been NZ as far as they are concerned - I see them a couple of days a year. I then fell pregnant with the dts, so had 4 under 5. my ds1 has sn too, so I really did have my hands full. We've struggled at times, badly, but we've gotten through it. At I do think doing what's best for us as a family, in terms of career and quality of life, is more important than being close to extended family. But then again, my extended family never have been big on hands on help.


I think you got some great advice about makign things run smoother and you are going to have to agree to getting a lot of help. If it is a bigger house, could you get a live in au pair or something?

Good luck with it, whatever happens, it sounds an incredibly hard decision.

[welliemum]

Good point from twentypence. It's important that your DH has a family-friendly workplace.