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my dh wants to take us to New Zealand, I don't want to go

94 replies

tripletsandtwins · 19/08/2007 22:36

Hiya, I've had an argument with my husband about this, and I wanted to know what other people think...

I've been happily married to my husband for 5 years, I moved to America for him from England because he didn't want to move over. So I left my family and friends to start a new life in the states, flying to see them as often as I can.

We went on to have 3 year old triplets, and I?m 19 weeks pregnant with twins.

We have been living in Palm Beach, in Florida, but we know that we don't want to stay there and we've been saving up to move for ages. I suggested that we move to a different area in Florida, staying near his family, or back to England, where my family is. However, my husband says that he wants to take us to New Zealand, as he has been offered a job and a house over there.

My husband thinks that we're wasting a very good opportunity that will never come again if we don't take this: it would be a new start for the family, the house is gorgeous, the job is fabulous, ideal and well paid, the community is nice, it would be perfect for the kids...the list goes on and on.

I don't think I could cope with upping and leaving all the foundations that I've built in Florida, especially since I'm pregnant with twins. By the time we got there, I would be at least 30 weeks. Also, I would see my family even less frequently than I do now, since it is such a long flight. I told dh that if he wants to go to New Zealand he can go, but he will be alone...was that wrong of me? Do you think I should go to New Zealand with him? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 19/08/2007 22:38

nz is pretty desolate i'd try and stay where you are imho

goingfor3 · 19/08/2007 22:39

With three under 5 you will need all the help you can get. Stay near family and friends.

BrownSuga · 19/08/2007 22:41

I'm from NZ live in UK, i'll swap with you! Seroiusly, must be quite difficult with the triplets and twins, maybe a bit too much to be moving away from all your support.
It's a fantastic place to live, lots of space, outdoor lifestyle. I'm sure you'll love it, but can you cope out there until you make friends? It's all very well for DH to do it, he'll be at work all day.

sorry, not much help.

Where would you be moving to?

(i'd move back in an instant if there was better work for DH and my DM was less overbearing).

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 19/08/2007 22:43

that is a very difficult question and i don't thinkyou were wrong to react like you did. especially considering that you are pregnant and aren't we all a little more sensitive about huge life changing decisions at that time.
still,your family now is with dh. i also relocated (to England) because of dh's job. i was horribly depressed at first (and pregnant). the most important thing i came to realize is that dh and my children are my closest family now so even if i live miles away from my parents and sister whithout whose support I really have a difficult time, it is still more important for me to make my decisions based on my own family and what is best for us (house, job, etc etc).
so i have decided to a) like England and b) treat this as an experience until we decide to return home (however long that takes). and this has helped me feel very positive. (infact I love it here now).
my mother did the same thing when we were babies (relocate because of my father's job) and she was very bitter about it my whole upbringing which was clearly the wrong thing to do.
so my best advice to you is: figure out what your priorities are for yourself and your children. make a decision based on those priorities only. be happy with your decision. and finally, try to think of the positive aspects of the situation because they exist

12lbnaturally · 19/08/2007 22:44

The trouble with life is, it's full of lifechanging decisions and you never really know whether you are making the right one. I guess you wouldnt want to look back in 30 years time wishing you had gone to NZ. At least if you go and it doesnt work then you have tried. If you never go you'll never know. Would you really want to be without your hubby?

derah · 19/08/2007 22:49

My parents moved to South Africa from England when I was 7, so I grew up away from all my family. My cousins are all very close, but I hardly know them, and I didn't know my grandparents as well as I'd have liked. I feel like I've missed out on a very important part of my life, even though growing up in South Africa was amazing. I was always so jealous of my friends when I went to their houses and they were having huge family barbeques etc etc, and Christmas was also always a bit of a let-down with just the 4 of us. So now I'm determined that we'll either live in England where my family are, or in Israel, where DH's family are. With 5 kids all so young, you're going to need help, and that's where family and friends come in. I think your DH is being unreasonable for asking you to move at this stage.

southeastastra · 19/08/2007 22:51

although i worked with a bloke from nz and he was are crowded house

sibble · 19/08/2007 23:03

I feel for you. My story is not exactly like yours but...I married a kiwi and after at least 5 years together (DS1, house etc)he anounced he wanted to 'come home'. I am very close to my family and really didn't want to move, it being so far, different etc. At the end of the day though I agreed for a 2 year period. My reasoning was, a) he could go on his own but that would be the end of us! b) if I didn't give it a go he would resent me forever c)it might not be as bad as I thought d)I could always come home. SO we came. NZ is different, it is a long way from home but 5 years later I'm still here. There really is no right and wrong answer for anybody, only you know inside what is right for you and your family/relationship.

If you do end up coming however there are quite a few of us here. Where is the job/house?

tripletsandtwins · 19/08/2007 23:03

Hi again,

We'd be moving to Canterbury into a huge house (much bigger than the one we're in now)I could probably live there and love it, but i don't like all the what-ifs, and it would be such a stressful time. My dh is countering all my arguements though, he's saying that his mother would come over with us for the first few months to lend a hand...but then what after she leaves, and I'm left with 5 kids under 4 years old while he works?

My husband is quite determined, and I can see that he has the families best interests at heart, and it's a now or never kind of thing, so we're being pressured into making the decision in the next couple of weeks.

I've left England to go to America and loved it, I don't regret that decision in the slightest, but then I was 22, without kids, and not pregnant.

I just don't know what to do! I'm pulling my hair out with this stress!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 19/08/2007 23:13 me the choice wouldn't be that hard....unless you are seriously relying on his family right now, I suppose...but other then that...what is the problem....
admittedly, my dh is in the armed forces, and basically there really is no choice unless you choose seperation...i.e. you would stay where yopu are or live in the UK and he goes to NZ and you decide to have a far distance relationship for now..
obviously his new job etc..seems all pretty good and so does the new place...etc...I would see it as an exciting venture!

aviatrix · 19/08/2007 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

3andnomore · 19/08/2007 23:25

nz is menat to be the most child friendly place to raise Kids....and obviously there isn't many reports of loads of criminality etccc from nz way, or aussie way, despite them starting out as crims, lol....

Earlybird · 20/08/2007 01:40

My goodness what an exciting but anxiety inducing time! Is your husband an impulsive type?

I would look at it very logically and ask questions like how well does he know the people/company that have offered him the job? Presumably all work permits etc would be taken care of? Has the company relocated any other families to NZ from America or England, and could you speak to them? Is there an HR person to help you with practical aspects like finding a doctor/midwife/hospital, schooling, bank accounts, etc. What is the backup plan/safety net if things don't go well at work or in your lives there?

Once you've got answers to those sorts of questions, you can then perhaps deal with the emotional side of things, and will either feel reassured or more anxious than ever!

I think you are wise to be cautious initially because there is alot at stake.

MrsJohnCusack · 20/08/2007 01:57

where in Canterbury? Could be Christchurch (where I am) a city, albeit a small one OR could be the absolute arse end of nowhere.

I think he is asking you to decide on this FAR too quickly TBH. We took a good few months to make the definite decision to move here including a fact finding trip & then another 6 months to sort everything out to move - I had a toddler and was pregnant, you have even more to cope with. But we'd been thinking about for a while before that AND my parents are here.

If he wants you to do all this stuff that HE wants, then he needs to be reasonable about the timescales and making sure you can cope with them IF AND ONLY IF you decide to go. It should be a joint decision, and it is a bloody long way away. NZ is a good place to live and bring up kids, but it is also not the idyllic crime free land of milk and honey that many people think it is.

If I can help you with any questions about this area, then do let me know.

MrsJohnCusack · 20/08/2007 02:02

oh have just seen you're being pressurised time wise. Still, it's your future happiness at stake! I think you need to sit down and make a big long list of pros and cons and go through it with him and NOT be railroaded onto not discussing them properly. Also a list of practical questions - and again, I am happy to help.

AnnainNZ · 20/08/2007 02:03

Oooh, 3andnomore, don't call the Kiwis crims, they get very uptight about that! Only Aussie got the convicts, everyone who came to NZ chose to come here. Apparently.

To the OP, it is a very nice place but I chose to come here, so my decision. met dh here, been here 6 years. it is a long long flight back to uk and it can be hard without family but on the whole I love it. BUT i echo what everyone has said that you need to be happy with the decision.

Could you make some jkind of deal, say that you'll try it for certain amount of time (2 years or whatever) and if you're still unhappy you'll go somewhere else?

If you do get here, there are quiteld give a few MNers here so we could give you lots of info on schools/health system/general bureaucracy stuff/whatever

slim22 · 20/08/2007 02:04

What a difficult time for you!
You could really do without this stress at this particular time!
My only advice is to relax and whichever decision you take you must be sure you are going to set your mind to make it work because you can not afford to embark on such an emotional rollercoaster with 3 wee ones and the pregnancy.

Easier said than done? No. the decision to go or stay is tough, after you've made it you MUST make it work for the sake of your family.

I would go. We are currently in Asia and this is the 6th country i've live in. I've always adored the novelty and now with kids it's even easier to make friends through schools, babygroups etc...
I also believe that your home is where your partner and kids are. That's your cocoon.
Are your triplets going to start nursery soon? That would put some pressure off after the birth?

I think your DH is not being unreasonnable. He has a great opportunity and I understand his feeling. It's is a tough fact of life thatt timings are not always right and this is the worst possible time for you!
Make suure of the following:

  • you will not have to loft a finger (movers)
  • the admin (utilities/schooling/immigration) will be taken care of by a relocation agent.
  • you can afford help (babysitter/cleaning lady) a few days a week for the first months to take presuure off you
  • DH pledges to garantee the above and you pledge to see the bright side of it and make most of it.

    One lesson I've learnt is that move or not, you are still going to have your little petty arguments as a couple. The move just amplifies everything. You must learnt to recognise these moments and dedramatise or every little things might turn into "I did not want to come here in the first place.....blablabla...."

    NZ is amazing, I would certainly encourage you to go, but make peace before you go,
ghosty · 20/08/2007 05:05

tripletsandtwins ... hi

My DH has done this to me twice. Once from the UK to NZ and then from NZ to Australia ...

My biggest problem was the recent move to Australia and I think I can see where you are coming from. It isn't as simple as thinking that NZ is a good place/bad place (or 'desolate' as Southeastastra says ... am a bit offended by that because is ISN'T 'desolate' - remote in places, yes, but not 'desolate' ) ...

Anyway, I digress.

Many of my friends could not understand my despair when DH got his job here in Melbourne. I was gutted. 5 years ago I put my heart and soul into moving the NZ, leaving my family and friends, carving out a life for me and my DS, finding new friends, building a business, finding the house of my dreams, good schools etc etc ...It was hard work but eventually I felt settled and very happy with my life.
Everyone said we were so lucky to have the opportunity to go to Australia, to have the chance to move, to 'start again' etc ... but I was no longer romantic about moving ... I knew it was going to be hard work and taxing. I knew the pain of leaving people I was close to and didn't fancy it again. And the worst bit was that no one really understood why I wasn't excited ... I felt jaded by the whole thing really and dug my heels so far that I stayed in NZ for 7 months after DH came here on the pretence of waiting for my NZ citizenship ... but really it was because I didn't want to come - I clung to hope that something would happen to let me stay in Auckland.
DH and I basically 'separated' for that time - there, I have said it and admitted it for the first time

In the end, well, after about 4 months, I realised that I would lose my husband and my children would lose their father and I would lose a lot more than I was losing with the move if I didn't pull my finger out and get a grip. I really had to search deep for a reason why I shouldn't go. Nothing stacked up. It was merely me and my own comfort and yearning to find roots somewhere (I have been moved all over the world in my lifetime, first with my father's job, now with my husband's).
My husband could have jacked in his job and moved home, yes ... but I couldn't ask him to do that ... his career is important to him for many many reasons and I am very proud of all he has achieved. He has done all of that for me and for our children - how could I pull him back now?
So, for the sake of my marriage and for my children I moved to melbourne in April this year.

And i am bloody glad I did. It is a good place. I still miss NZ, I miss my friends very very much, I miss my house, I miss my life and really, ... But things could be worse - at least now we are a family again, DH and I are happy.

The thing is about NZ is that the Kiwis will LOVE you ... I was welcomed to NZ with open arms, honestly ... I love New Zealand - not only are the people nice but the scenery is spectacular where ever you are .. it takes your breath away. There are many many worse places your DH could choose to work, so in that respect you are really lucky.
As MrsJC says, it isn't a totally crime free place but I think you will find it a nicer, safer place than either the US or the UK.

I am so sorry this is such a long post ... jsut wanted to tell you that I understand how you are feeling ...

SofiaAmes · 20/08/2007 05:11

I think your dh is underestimating how important it is to be near family when you have young children. Is there any reason to believe that he won't have the same ability to find a better job when the kids are a little older? Have you ever even visited nz? How on earth can he expect you to just pick up and go to a place that you don't know at all. AND while you are pregnant? Have you got american citizenship yet? You should really get that before you leave so that you will have the option of coming back to the usa if you and your husband split up. If you still only have a green card, you will have to come back to the usa at least once a year (i think) to keep it valid. And what about your unborn children. Will they still be able to get usa citizenship if they are not born in the usa? And it does make a difference being 22 hours from your family instead of the 6 that you are now. You just won't be able to visit anywhere near as often and when the kids are school age you will have even less choice about going, since you really need 3 weeks minimum to make that trip, not to mention the cost of flying 5 children to and from nz. I don't think you are being unreasonable in expecting your dh to let you do some investigating and take some time to make the decision. What does he do workwise, that he can find something better in nz than in the usa?

southeastastra · 20/08/2007 10:47

whoops sorry ghosty i was waffling on a bit

ghosty · 20/08/2007 11:10

Aw, s'alright SEA ...

bran · 20/08/2007 11:21

Slightly off the point of the original question, but will the airlines fly a passenger who is 30 weeks pregnant with twins?

MrsJohnCusack · 20/08/2007 11:22

ghosty, that was such an honest post. I'm glad Oz is working out for you

and I must say, Kiwis really are super friendly and welcoming - that's one of my favourite things about it.

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 11:30

ghosty what a lovely post I am going to show it to dh who never wants to move but I do (to Oz) and I have threatened to leave etc without him.

Your post was so honest, great advice

Meeely2 · 20/08/2007 11:33

swap with ya triplets??!! sorry being offhand, but i have had the weekend from hell with my dh, so he's up for auction.

family is the most important thing in the world. I am 200 miles from mine and I really felt it this weekend, try talking a bit more and explaining your view without getting het up and angry.....

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