To let her cry herself to sleep

[Whodoyoutrust]

DD is 9 months old, was a good sleeper until the 8 months sleep regression. But now will not sleep unless there's a boob in her mouth. This is generally ok as we just co sleep but it means that I can't go out in the evenings or have a drink.

I went out last night to see friends and left DD with DH. She just cries herself to sleep. DH rocked, patted, cuddled, shusshed, walked up and down with her but ultimately she just cried herself to sleep whilst being held (she'd been fed). At nap time today it was the same- my mum had her and she tried everything but DD just cried and cried.

Right now she's finished her feed but won't let me extract myself, just keeps crying. I'm home alone with DS(3), haven't eaten and have stuff that needs doing. Is it really bad if I just hold her whilst she cries herself to sleep? Nothing but my boob will stop her!

I'm glad she went to sleep op. Be kind to yourself, you are a person in your own right and do not have to constantly attached to your baby to be a great mother.
Ignore people trying to make you feel guilty. You know you're not harming your child, especially with your professional experience.
I hope you've eaten something nice and get some sleep in before she wakes again.

Ah op. Will she take a bottle from your dh? Maybe she'd be more accepting of the dummy if it was dh giving it? Also, have you tried different types of dummies? They are surprisingly varied, maybe there's one she will accept from your dh when you're not there? Same with bottle teats too.

And also, are all the other sleep associations the same? White noise, sleeping bag, muslin to twiddle etc same as when you bf her to sleep? Can you maybe create a new one with a soft toy or muslin? Eg, while feeding her to sleep the muslin/toy is snuggling with you both, do this for say 5 nights so she gets attached to it. Then your dh uses it as a comfort object when putting her down?

I don't think you are "leaving her to cry herself to sleep " you are comforting her and holding her. You know she is warm, clean, fed so holding her and rocking or shushing her abs her crying is OK (though ridiculously hard as a mummy to listen to!)
We did similar with my son when he was 17 months as I needed sleep... We found it was better if dh did it.. Ds still cried but stopped and went to sleep faster.. He was never left on his own to cry... Within a week he was pretty much sleeping through the night..

Tried loads dummies, cheap, expensive, various shapes and sizes. She won't take a bottle but drinks expressed milk from a free-flow cup well, regardless of who gives it her.

She has a fleece comforter but isn't bothered whether she has it or not. All other sleep associations are the same.

I had this problem with my dd and my mother and I spent three days rocking and singing to her until she got used to the change.

Honestly I'm really soft on this stuff (never sleep trained, co-sleep, sleep is developmental etc, etc) and I would totally do this. If she is being comforted and not being left to cry then I really wouldn't beat yourself up about it. I'd be tempted to keep offering the dummy too, she might eventually capitulate!

I introduced a bottle of cow's milk at bed time once DS1 was 1 (kept bf-ing all the rest of the time) and that did help. He wouldn't accept formula or ebm from a bottle but for some reason cow's milk was acceptable.

It's so hard when they're super clingy, you're doing a great job.

I’d move to bottles myself.

Singing? Listening to me sing helps my ds wind down when he's not quite relaxed enough to go off in my arms. A nice long song he hasn't heard before, and then humming when he's getting sleepier, then quiet, then he'll go down into the cot.

churchandstate but that won't stop the crying. There'd still be a transition period and then another in 2 months when I take the bottle off her, if I can even get her to take them anyway.

Basically she can't use your nipple as a dummy (presumably you've tried one?) so I'd feed her, and then cuddle (even if she cries), put her down in her cot with your arm over her and stay until she sleeps, even if she is crying. She may be starting to teeth? Crying and being cuddled is the lesser of 2 evils if she is using you as a dummy.

Well, you’re the boss, OP. That’s just what I’d do. My child went to bottles very quickly when it was time.

Hold her if you need to whilst getting things done. Unfortunately she has gotten used to having the breast as a constant comfort but she has to learn to be less dependent on your breast as like you said OP, it’s just not feasible anymore.

Slowly but surely ease her out of the habit.

Good luck OP

I let my twins CIO after a while and it worked. I was exhausted and lack of sleep wasn’t helping me in the day. After a few nights, they slept through and they’re now 8 and sleek very well. And they’re well rounded and fine!! Xx

Sleep!! Not sleek

Personally at 9 months I really don't think it's worth the hassle of bottles. By the time you'd got her on formula (if she'd take it, I've never got either of mine to countenance it, they act as though it's poison!) you could be starting cow's milk. That's more palatable anyway so I reckon she's more likely to accept it.

I'd just rock her, comfort her, sing to her, offer the dummy, cuddle her, stroke her until she gives in. She knows you're there, she's not crying because she's been abandoned.

That's my thoughts sunshine by the time I've got her on bottles I'd be taking her off them. DS wouldn't take milk from anything but the breast, this included cow's milk. He'll only just drink cow's milk now at almost 4!

We moved to formula at 9 months (with a little mixed feeding before) and then just straight to cow’s milk at 1 with no problems. The speed of the bottle feed seemed to help my child.

Did you try oat milk? DS1 was switched to it as cow's milk made him really constipated. It's really sweet (kind of like breast milk I guess). Might be worth a go (if you haven't already!)

My DS2 is 6mo and won't take milk from anything but me. I have a small window in the evening where I can maybe pop out for 90mins locally but that's it. DS1 was the same. I do empathise! It's really hard. DH is having a night away for his work Christmas party and I've had to work really hard not to show how incredible jealous I am!

I night weaned DS at 11 months (he was still waking 3-4 times a night for a feed), and he cried himself to sleep while we cuddled him. I am a really soft parent but it had to be done and I didn't (and still don't) consider it CIO if the baby is being cuddled and comforted. DS had silent reflux and screamed while being cuddled a lot in his early weeks. There wasn't much we could do about it!

I think if your DC will already accept some formula then it might be easier but if they've only ever known breast milk I've found it impossible to introduce it. They just won't have it!

You'll get very mixed opinions on this one... My opinion is yes if that's the only way she will sleep without a boob in her mouth, especially if you will be holding her she knows you are there and isn't alone. It's hard to do but worth it if it means she will sleep better. You have to think that sleep is important for her development and for her to be able to learn to fall asleep and stay asleep it will be a massive positive for her in the long run. Good luck, I've been where you are now and it was horrendous my LG now falls asleep happily alone and sleeps all night and is so much happier and healthier for it! And so am I!!!!

Ah I think this was the hardest age with both of mine so far OP. You have my sympathy. That nipple-in-mouth-all-night-long thing is awful - I was sore and uncomfortable and resentful and absolutely drained, physically and emotionally.

I think leaving babies alone to cry is unkind, although appreciate in desperate circumstances it can be necessary. I don’t see any issue at all in a baby crying down to sleep whilst being held by someone who loves them.

DC2 spontaneously started going to sleep at night after the boob rather than on the boob at around 14 months I think and it was brilliant. Staying with her while she drifted off still sometimes took (takes) a large chunk of evening, and it hasn’t remotely led to her sleeping through or being night weaned, but nonetheless it feels so much easier. Fingers crossed you have a similar breakthrough when the whole shittydifficultdevelopmentalblahblah phase is out of the way. Or maybe if you just keep doing what you’re doing it will happen sooner.

I would never have done the CIO thing. Holding and comforting while crying is not the same thing. I breastfed both my little ones. One to 18 months and the second to 4 years. My second dd did not do sleeping until the age of 4 and a half and I still can't predict how she will sleep at night at 5 years old. Hang in there op things will get better. My ex used to say fgs just let her cry it will teach her a lesson. That's one of the many reasons he's now an ex. If you leave a baby to CIO the only thing you are teaching is that no one comes when you cry. 💐

Oh my goodness, of course it's fine. You poor thing- you must be exhausted. Put her in the cot, do what you need to do, go in, reassure, go out again, repeat unttil she falls asleep. Within 2-3 days she will have broken the habit of needing the boob. we just did this with my 20 month old. It took 1 night of going in every 5 mins to sootthe him and now he goes down easily with no tears and is so much happier and more settled during the day. It's totally fine- I ttortured myself over it but there is a lot of research supporting this approach so don't let anyoen guilt you.

OP that must be so difficult. Could you maybe consider weaning her off breast milk and sticking to formula for a couple of months? She's almost old enough to be on cow's milk . I sympathize with you. My children are not breastfed, however they both needed comfort of a parent whilst falling asleep. We used to put them in bed with us and wait for 30min for them to fall asleep and then move them to their cots. We had the occasional crying but we were in bed right next to them. I think rocking and padding is overstimulating her and making it worse. Can you lay down next to her in your bed and let her cry for 5min but be next to her so she knows she's not alone and see what happens?