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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let her cry herself to sleep

89 replies

Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 19:49

DD is 9 months old, was a good sleeper until the 8 months sleep regression. But now will not sleep unless there's a boob in her mouth. This is generally ok as we just co sleep but it means that I can't go out in the evenings or have a drink.

I went out last night to see friends and left DD with DH. She just cries herself to sleep. DH rocked, patted, cuddled, shusshed, walked up and down with her but ultimately she just cried herself to sleep whilst being held (she'd been fed). At nap time today it was the same- my mum had her and she tried everything but DD just cried and cried.

Right now she's finished her feed but won't let me extract myself, just keeps crying. I'm home alone with DS(3), haven't eaten and have stuff that needs doing. Is it really bad if I just hold her whilst she cries herself to sleep? Nothing but my boob will stop her!

OP posts:
Oly4 · 15/11/2019 20:10

Ps that doesn’t mean you can never go out. On those nights let DH cuddle her, let her watch Peppa pig. Whatever gets him through. But don’t leave a baby to cry asleep alone

Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:11

Oly4 so you never went out or had a drink until they were 2?!?

OP posts:
JusticeForSandra · 15/11/2019 20:13

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:14

Oly4 I don't think you read my OP properly then. I said that both me and DH have been holding her whilst crying, not that she's been left to cry.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/11/2019 20:15

Honestly you cannot be a human dummy. So long as she is being cuddled it's okay for her to cry.

It's going to take time for her to learn how to get to sleep without using you as a dummy so perhaps now is the time to do it?

BendingSpoons · 15/11/2019 20:17

It's not the same leaving her crying in your DH's arms. I feel for you. DS is 8 months. He gets very cross when DH does nap/bedtime (even if he has just been fed). I go back to work in 2 weeks. He will have to accept DH as I can't be there. Luckily he is a bit better in the day than at bedtime. At the moment I make sure I am always there at bedtime but this is starting to get on my nerves, as with co-sleeping and night wake ups, I get very little time to myself.

Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:18

@JusticeForSandra so what do you suggest? I have a hospital appointment soon, what do I do then? It will be over her nap time. Do I cancel it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:19

Oh yes, and then there's when I go back to work, I can't not go back!

OP posts:
Spice04 · 15/11/2019 20:22

I could have written this!! Mine is 9 months old next Thursday and has turned into a monster and I also have a 3 yr old DS. She has been teething the last 2 weeks and my poor nipples 😳 I have tonnes of sympathy for you! Mine just screams as soon as she's laid down, despite appearing to be fast asleep. If you find a miracle answer please send my way xx

KatyaK · 15/11/2019 20:22

Totally agree with PPs that you're not leaving her to cry, she's being cuddled and comforted by you, her dad or her grandmother. You can't be a human dummy and you're absolutely fine to go out and have a social life whilst she's being looked after by her dad/other family members.

No idea what the posters saying they don't agree with babies crying whilst being cuddled and comforted suggest??! Confused

Lweji · 15/11/2019 20:23

Won't she take a dummy at all? Because that's what it seems that she needs.

And possibly a good feed to relax her, rather than constant ducking.

Lweji · 15/11/2019 20:23

Sucking!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2019 20:23

Will she take a dummy?

Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:25

Lweji unfortunately not. DS was the same. They both act like I'm poisoning them when I give them a dummy! Tried loads with DD too as DS was a dreadful sleeper and a total boob monster. DD has been ok until about 9 weeks ago. I've tried a dummy again recently but she's not for having it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:26

And she's now asleep in her cot. Having cried herself to sleep in my arms and been put down.

OP posts:
M0reGinPlease · 15/11/2019 20:29

I'd recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution, but it's not a quick fix. All babies will sleep eventually. And I say that as the parent of a baby who did t sleep through the night until 2.5 years. They really all do get it eventually.

I'm not sure what you're really asking OP? There is no quick fix here unless you are happy with her crying. It's hard, we've all been there, but it won't be forever.

StoutDrinker2019 · 15/11/2019 20:32

Get a dummy, comforter or guide her thumb in. Read Bowlby, attachment theory has absolutely nothing to do with leaving your baby to cry and learn how to put themselves to sleep. You have nothing to worry about on that front.

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/11/2019 20:36

I had this problem with my first son and it nearly destroyed my marriage because I was so, so sleep deprived, and so trapped, and so resentful of my husband, it was just awful.

I used to dread the days with my DS and then I would dread the nights even more. I felt so trapped in my situation and it made life very bleak.

Ultimately we paid for a Sleep Consultant for guidance on how to stop all his bad sleeping habits because I just couldn’t carry on like it anymore.

Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:42

QueenofmyPrinces my first was like that too.

M0reGinPlease I'd like to believe you but the pre-schooler has never slept through! Had to night wean him when I went back to work after I fell asleep at the wheel and then DH and I took turns cosleeping with him. He now goes to sleep in his own bed but gets in with one of us during the night when he wakes.

StoutDrinker2019 she won't take a dummy. She just chews her thumb, won't suck on it. I'm a social worker so very familiar with Bowlby!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:43

Ill dig out the no cry sleep solution. I used it with DS, but it didn't work for him at all.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 15/11/2019 20:44

It’s not really “crying herself to sleep” if she’s being held. I think you’re fine tbh

Randomname85 · 15/11/2019 20:45

I made peace with the fact if I go out my DD will probably stay awake until I get home. She’s almost 3 now and still waits for me to come home but isn’t distressed. When she was that little though my mum or husband could sometimes get her to sleep in the carrier or buggy. Not always though.

KimchiLaLa · 15/11/2019 20:48

The 8-10 month regression was one of the hardest for us. I do remember when we put her to bed later, she went down easier - basically, we were putting her down too early and not realising that she was growing and could stay awake longer. Could you look at sleep times too?

Original poster
Whodoyoutrust · 15/11/2019 20:49

Randomname85 I don't have an issue with her staying awake until I get back but if like to have a couple of drinks, my sister gets married next month and I've got her hen do and then wedding, I'd prefer not to be tee total for them.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/11/2019 20:52

Have you tried different brands of dummy? Mine won't sleep without one but if you had any different type you wouldn't know it- she will only take Tommee Tippee Orthadontic.