Childfree & Old age

[Goldandblack]

Yesterday I was visiting my gran who lives in a sheltered housing place where lots of people have serious illnesses like dementia. There have been some care issues in the place which our family has been helping my gran with. For some of her friends who don’t have children or those who have no contact with their children it’s pretty bad. They were telling me that they get treated poorly because the staff know that they can’t do anything about it because they have no one to support them. I felt so sorry for them.

I know most people don’t expect their children to provide care for them that’s fair enough but if you don’t have anyone do you not then become really vulnerable to this sort of thing in your old age or have you thought of ways around it?

My sister has no partner or children, my other one has no partner and a severely autistic child. I believe as long as any one sister is alive we would look out for the others.
My older one has told me she is leaving all her money to our autistic niece as she will always need care.
It is a worry and I have no solution but having children is no guarantee that your needs will be looked after.

OP you just answered your own question in your post or those who have no contact with their children it’s pretty bad.

Having children is no guarantee that they will look after you in your old age and it is a pretty selfish reason to have DC.

I didn’t say anywhere that people should have children to look after them in old age?
My gran isn’t cared for by her family either but somebody in the family will visit her once a week so the staff know that she has support. It seems like with those people who don’t have anyone they don’t get treated properly.
I’m just wondering whether this is a concern for people who don’t have children or if there is something they have thought of to prevent this?

The issue is the poor treatment not the lack of children!

Yes, if you don't have a loving advocate (partner, sibling, children) then you are more vulnerable. Having money for high quality paid for care can help but isn’t a guarantee. But I still see a lot of amazing care being given by paid carers in peoples homes and in care homes too.

OP that's why you cultivate relationships with younger family members and younger friends.

I know a few OAPs who have now sadly died. The people who looked out for them when they were in hospital, care homes and hospices were younger family members and friends. (My DP and one of my brothers' have had older friends' who they have helped in this way.)

I only found out after they had died that some of them actually had children. One of these children I never saw was doing up the house he inherited recently.

These extended family members and friends aren't expected to do any care for them because they weren't immediate relations.

@ColaFreezePop That’s really great. Everyone seems so busy these days, I’m surprised to hear that extended family and younger friends are willing to do that, but it is really good.

When I worked in care homes, it was exactly the same.

If you are really concerned you could contact either a dementia charity or Care of the Elderly for advice.

I would really like to help some of those people. We have just had a big fight on our hands for our gran but the end seems to be in sight. It has been quite draining. I will maybe speak to those charities.

I do have DC but the way I tend to look at it is that if I don't have it within me to speak up for myself, then I'm probably so far gone I won't notice being mistreated anyway! Don't get me wrong, no elderly person should be mistreated, but at the same time I can't spend any time or energy worrying about it happening to me. For example, I was mistreated as a baby. It only affects me because I have had to live the rest of my life with that knowledge. I didn't know at the time what was happening and I don't remember it at all. The only thing that will follow dementia is death. So yes, it's not nice to think of what could happen but no I don't worry about it at all.

These people are aware off what’s happening they just don’t know how to do anything about it and they don’t have the energy to fight it :(

Yes, it's a worry. There are other ways of getting advocacy rather than just relatives and children, though. That's what Age UK does, for example. Plus other community groups and support services.

Yes it is true that if you are elderly or severely disabled and have no family or friends to advocate for you, you are very vulnerable. It is one of the reasons I do judge one of my friends for moving abroad and leaving her very frail mother behind with no one to advocate for her care.

@Meruem Sadly that is not true. You can be aware of what is happening, but just not have the energy or strength to fight any more.

Lots of children stick their parents in homes and forget about them. Having children is NOT a guarantee of anything. However, cultivating relationships with lots of friends and family is a very good idea, for parents and non-parents alike.

There is no guarantee sadly that DC will be able to "be there " for you .My DM was in a Nursing home towards the end ,and obviously while we were there to be behind her ,some decisions have to be made by the Doctors .Maybe we were just lucky, but the Staff were very kind and many of Mums friends were happy and well cared for .Some of them were on their own as well .

It is a major problem, I work with elderly people and around half have no children, some have nieces and nephews who are willing to help if the time comes, a couple have appointed solicitors others have nobody. If you don't have kids it's essential to get legal next of kin in place and a watertight will plus powers of attorney

@Goldandblack so you wouldn't help a friend or a neighbour if they fell sick tomorrow? That's all the people I know have done.

Also make sure you gel with the person before trying to help them. I've done volunteer work with OAPs and some adults, regardless of age, are simply not nice people to be around. The lovely ones already had people looking out for them. One
of these also said she didn't want her child to help her as she was frankly useless in such situations.

cara “ It is one of the reasons I do judge one of my friends for moving abroad and leaving her very frail mother behind with no one to advocate for her care.”

No one should have to put life on hold for parents

OP, without friends and family to advocate it’s very hard, yes. Have you seen anything in this place that should be reported, do you think?

Your title is odd OP, it’s about having people who can help.

I agree with you. My elderly mum/pil needed someone watching out for them and advocating for them.

@AutumnRose1 Not moving abroad isn't exactly putting your life on hold.

@caran

It is if that’s what you want. I’m a great believer that parents owe their adult DC freedom. I did help my late father and now help mum a lot but they didn’t expect it and if I had wanted to live abroad, they’d be okay.

Lucky for them I barely leave the county never mind the country 😁

I think about this sometimes as a childfree person with an older partner. My intention is to kill myself before reaching that stage (if necessary, perhaps it won't be). I don't think anyone in those places is having much fun, whether or not they have family.

I think giving a lot of help is different to being around, visiting and helping to advocate. And yes I do think adult children should do the latter as long as their parents were non abusive.
The issue with not having kids is that most people will be relying on friends of the same age. That is fine if someone needs help when you are all younger, but by the time care homes beckon they are more likely to need care themselves.