Childfree & Old age

[Goldandblack]

Yesterday I was visiting my gran who lives in a sheltered housing place where lots of people have serious illnesses like dementia. There have been some care issues in the place which our family has been helping my gran with. For some of her friends who don’t have children or those who have no contact with their children it’s pretty bad. They were telling me that they get treated poorly because the staff know that they can’t do anything about it because they have no one to support them. I felt so sorry for them.

I know most people don’t expect their children to provide care for them that’s fair enough but if you don’t have anyone do you not then become really vulnerable to this sort of thing in your old age or have you thought of ways around it?

There is a big difference between doing personal care, what people often mean by looking after, and helping out and advocating. I do think adult children should do the latter, but not all do. As anyone who works in a care home will tell you, there are plenty of elderly people with children who very rarely visit.

My Grandma had three children. My mum was the middle one. Only the youngest was the golden child. She cut off my mum and was mean and nasty to my oldest auntie. Not saying this happens all the time but some older people that have children only have themselves to blame when no-one visits. Works both ways.

People always say that having a child is no guarantee but I can’t think of a single person in my friends and extended family who do not have a good parent/child relationship. It is the absolute norm that the child takes full responsibility (out of love) for their parents care in old age. I’ve never seen otherwise. So I would say that in our family, having a child IS a guarantee of an advocate for your old age.

Other families may be different but it’s not some ‘pot luck’ that people make it out to be. It’s hugely based on the culture of your individual family and I’m very sure of the culture in mine.

My mum spent the last three years of her life in a are home. They held regular meetings for residents' families but they were really poorly attended half a dozen people at most. There were around 30 residents, most of whom would have had children.

@Happyspud In general people without children by choice are happier until they are 84, then people with children are happier

I do agree with you that it's worrying when people are so vulnerable. I also know from my aunt's care home that some of the people there get very confused, especially those with dementia. One spoke to me at length, seemingly to be sound of mind, telling me she shouldn't be there, she'd had no breakfast and been ignored etc. Aunt corrected me later that she had dementia, was never ignored and they'd had breakfast together.

I saw a few months later her having a bad turn and realised how the disease can ness with your mind.

So while i know from sad experience some homes and staff are awful or badly strained and struggling, bear in mind that there can also be confusion from those in the home.

DP and I have chosen to not have children and in the past few years I've witnessed several very elderly family members die slowly, painfully and without dignity, both in care homes and being cared for at home.

Neither of us want to reach that stage, where life is essentially over and we are gone as a person and yet medical advances allow the body to be kept alive for far longer than seems natural or kind.

We joke that we intend to do the Midsommar cliff jump together in our old age.

“ but I can’t think of a single person in my friends and extended family who do not have a good parent/child relationship. It is the absolute norm that the child takes full responsibility (out of love) for their parents care in old age”

Yes, but we are the ones going through the mill and posting on the Elderly Parents board. It’s all pretty horrendous even without doing daily care. I don’t have children, obviously, and Im happy a pity that choice for many reasons but even more so now I feel no one will ever have to go through this because of me.

Also, I wonder how many of these people you know are lying? There’s a lot of relief when that burden is over but people will be very selective who they tell.

Pity? With!

I agree with PP that some residents in home will say they are being treated badly and not being fed or bathed and it is not the case. DMIL said these things about carers in the home and about nurses in three separate hospital wards. Even made accusations about being hit by a nurse. All part of the dementia disease process in some people.
Perhaps "neglect" is more common but not intentional but where there are not enough experienced staff on duty to deal with such highly dependent people so calls for toilet cannot be answered immediately.
Another PP said about how few families attended the relatives meetings. At MIL home these were arranged during the day to suit management working hours so neither DH or I could attend the monthly meetings (12 days of annual leave which we often needed to help with hospital appointments etc plus our own needs).
Unfortunately DB and DSis never darkened the doorstep despite living fairly close

If you have concerns contact the appropriate authorities please.

I agree that relatives meetings in care homes are only really accessible if you are retired or do not work.

What are the relatives meetings actually for please? Do you mean meetings about the care of the individual?

No these are group meetings where management will tell you about exciting events that are planned, any senior staff changes, past successes. The good things that cqc have said (may well gloss over cqc criticisms) . There may be a few minutes at the end when they will ask for questions ( with some very interesting answers especially if you ask about fee raises). Can be useful in comparing notes with other relatives!!!

Thanks fifties

That sounds like the kind of meeting it’s not worth having IMHO!

I did the advocacy for neighbour quite a while ago and it wasn’t a fancy branded care home so they didn’t have this kind of thing.

Yes the sort of meeting not worth wasting taking a days annual leave for.
Any individual meetings or complaints are best followed upin writing so you have an audit trail

Another PP said about how few families attended the relatives meetings. At MIL home these were arranged during the day to suit management working hours so neither DH or I could attend the monthly meetings (12 days of annual leave which we often needed to help with hospital appointments etc plus our own needs).

Ours were held on Saturday mornings usually.

Yes, it’s a real issue. One I made clear to the consultant whose treatment of my 99 year old dad was appalling. Without me to advocate for him, I dread to think what would have happened to him. God help the poor buggers who have nobody to stand up for them.

I work in a supermarket and got chatting to a lady over the weeks as she had some great life stories I found out she literally has no one and slipped it into conversation she was worried if the weather was bad she couldn't shop etc
My colleague and.i gave her our numbers in case of emergency we bought her birthday christmas presents my son does her lawn for her she is a nice lady

Caxx that's great. The neighbour I helped out was kind of similar. I saw a lady struggling with bins - so with great worries that I might cause offence - left a note saying I can help with your bins if you like.

so any childfree folks worrying, there's other ways to get help.

re the meetings, no wonder nobody comes if that's all they do, sounds like a waste of time all round frankly.

i have 6 adult dc and they all know that i intend on topping myself if i am developing serious problems i don't want them to feel obliged to look after me / visit etc and i certainly don't want them to be carers for me.

So many people here saying that they will kill themselves before they get into that state, but I’m
not sure it’s really that easy, otherwise surely we would hear about more elderly people doing it, or maybe I just don’t know the ones that do manage it.

i have planned it out already, so yes, i will do it without a shadow of a doubt. having bipolar means i can stop my meds and have a ready made state of mind when i'm on a bad downer iyswim

I think money helps more in a way. The ones I know pay and hire someone to help part time through a small ad, and stay independant rather than have those services provided.

Money doesn’t really make much difference when you find yourself the only person who hasn’t got dementia on a rehab ward. What does make a difference is a (usually) daughter who goes into tiger mode and demands basic standards of privacy and dignity. You can have £££ in the bank and still get appalling treatment under those circumstances without someone to advocate for you.

And the topping yourself argument is all very well until, as a fit and well pensioner, you fall and break your hip and become helpless overnight.