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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childfree & Old age

77 replies

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 13:13

Yesterday I was visiting my gran who lives in a sheltered housing place where lots of people have serious illnesses like dementia. There have been some care issues in the place which our family has been helping my gran with. For some of her friends who don’t have children or those who have no contact with their children it’s pretty bad. They were telling me that they get treated poorly because the staff know that they can’t do anything about it because they have no one to support them. I felt so sorry for them.

I know most people don’t expect their children to provide care for them that’s fair enough but if you don’t have anyone do you not then become really vulnerable to this sort of thing in your old age or have you thought of ways around it?

OP posts:

WagtailRobin · 15/11/2019 15:21

I don't have children but I still might, however I don't worry about the long term future because I find it entirely pointless worrying about a future I may not have; I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, be diagnosed with a serious illness and die before I see 35, etc etc, the list of potential fates is endless and if I live to see old age, I will worry about my care then.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:29

“ The issue with not having kids is that most people will be relying on friends of the same age”

I typed a long reply and the site crashed. But suffice to say I think a lot of us have networks across all ages and I see it in action already, both with parents and when I was injured in a major accident.

Long live friendships I say!

caranconnor · 15/11/2019 15:31

Okay I have had a different experience. By the time my father needed care, so did most of his friends.

Original poster

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 15:44

As someone said above I think most people end up with friends around their own age, who will probably have their own issues to deal with.

I don’t know how much other family members have the willingness and time to help either. One of the ladies I met had a niece visit once every few months but she has her own elderly mother to look after as well as a job, kids etc. There was one man who has had support from his brother in the past however his brother’s health hasn’t been great recently either. It’s really tough.

It can be really exhausting to fight these battles. I’m sure there are some people who would do it for someone who isn’t their parent out of the goodness of their heart but I don’t know how common that is.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:50

OP “ I’m sure there are some people who would do it for someone who isn’t their parent out of the goodness of their heart but I don’t know how common that is.”

Well, if it helps, dad did it for a neighbour and I did it for a neighbour. Mum’s current neighbour is doing it for someone who’s had to leave the street and go to a home. There wasn’t actually any trouble with the homes though, but the people in charge knew that the residents had someone advocating for them.

SiddaleeWalker · 15/11/2019 15:51

OP if you have genuine concerns about the care of these people you should escalate this. As a PP said, wether these people have children or not should have no bearing on their care. Good care should be intrinsic. If they have the ability to provide bad care to somebody because they think they want get caught, surely all those who love there are at risk when’s their children aren’t around.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 15/11/2019 15:57

It's not even bad treatment, it's the fact that carers and care homes expect "the family" to do stuff that I would expect them to do.

For example, MIL is bedridden and lives at home with carers going in four times a week. When they change the bed linen they leave it for SIL to wash. SIL lives around the corner. What would happen if she didn't?

Another example was when my father was in a nursing home. He didn't drink enough, said the local tap water was horrible. So I bought him bottles of fizzy water. The care home said I had to do this. Again, what would have happend if I had not been close enough to do that? I would have thought they could have sourced it and charged it to his account.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 15/11/2019 15:58

(the carers go into MIL 4/day not 4/week)

Original poster

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 16:00

@havingtochangeusernameagain That’s true of our experience too. There’s lots of things that the carers will not do that we as a family do for my gran.

OP posts:

Babybel90 · 15/11/2019 16:18

I think it comes down to money, if you’re childfree and we’ll off you can pay a solicitor to act as power of attorney for you or you can ask a more distant relative to be power of attorney for you in return for an inheritance (there’s a space for this on the power of attorney forms)

Original poster

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 16:26

Interesting. I didn’t think of that- you could pay for someone to be your advocate. I guess you can pay for anything these days!

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2019 16:30

I think there are so many variables here tbh... as others have pointed out having children in no way guarantees that said children will look after you when you're old.

Supportive close friends may be better in some ways less likely to be preoccupied with young family/jobs etc. I think older people who are lucky enough to have a good friend network are in a better position in some ways as older people as long as they are healthy -- are likely to have more time to support their friends.

Orangeblossom78 · 15/11/2019 16:34

So is what you are saying basically that because you make a fuss your parents get better care than the others in the home? That's wrong though...it should be an issue for all of them if they are not being looked after. It is the care needs changing which is the issue here

Orangeblossom78 · 15/11/2019 16:34

Yes there are advocacy services around

Original poster

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 16:36

I think one of the other issues that friends of a similar age have is that even if they are in reasonable health they aren’t always savvy about technology in the way that a younger person might be. At the moment it’s being able to google and use email- who knows what it will be in the future! Having said that I’m sure there are probably people in their 80s who have kept on top of this sort of thing, I’m just thinking of the people I know who haven’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldandblack · 15/11/2019 16:37

@Orangeblossom78 Yes that’s right. The care should improve but I don’t know if that will happen.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 16:48

@havingtochangeusernameagain

Are these private carers?

I did find massive variations in what carers will do when I was researching for my dad, but I had thought if you can pay, then you can get other stuff done. Is it the case that the carers are focussed on personal care for their visits?

bridgetreilly · 15/11/2019 16:51

If housework and laundry needs doing, that isn't the carers' job, but you would also need a home help person as part of the package, who would do those things. When they assess the needs of the person, they take into account things like whether there is a partner at home or close family nearby to help, and if the person doesn't have anyone to help, then more services have to be put into place.

RosemarysBroomstick · 15/11/2019 17:10

Bridgetreliy, just what I was about to say. I think that the basic care is available but unless you can pay for it or have caring family/friends, then the extras can get missed(favourite drink/foods/newspaper/music/ just a sit and chat/ wheel outside etc). There’s just not enough time/ money for the paid carers to give people a happy life usually.

DancingWithWillard · 15/11/2019 18:27

I work in a related field and perhaps have a slightly controversial view

saraclara · 15/11/2019 18:35

My mum and my MIL are both in care facilities. While my MIL's care in her dementia home has been exceptional (and I'm as sure as I can be that residents without family will also be treated well), I and my brother have had to advocate for my mother SO many times, where her care has been shoddy, where the shopping trips and outings she pays for haven't happened, where he toilet calls go unanswered for hours...you name it.

I think her care would come close to neglect if it wasn't for us pestering and questioning stuff. And my mum has her marbles.

If I didn't have children who would pick up the phone for me, I'd be finding out about advocacy before I get to that stage, and giving the details to my friends so that they'd be able to contact an advocacy service on my behalf should I ever need it.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 18:59

Re pestering and questioning

I have just remembered dad having to do that because he thought his friend might have a UTI, took a while for the home to listen but I think that would have been the case regardless of who was advocating.

Tbh I don’t think much about the risk of being in a home myself because I expect to be long gone but I certainly hope a friend or friends would be advocating for me.

Orangeblossom78 · 15/11/2019 20:19

I live far from my dad who is in shattered housing. He is going to a lunch club which he enjoys and has a lady in to clean once a week. He tends to live in a bit of a muddle and is a hoarder. however he seems happy, there is a warden on hand. I guess he does not need personal care as much as some but seems able to advocate for himself and accept help. Others don't want to accept help which can also be an issue.

Again, a neighbour is elderly and has recently had a stroke. Lives alone and son / daughter far away. I have been phoning her for support, but she has managed to set up something that suits her (they tried to get her to go into a rehab home place but she chose to go home). She is getting lots of help from neuro- rehab all coming to the home, physio, psychologist etc and has again a lady in to clean she employs herself. So it seems possible to manage yourself and get support without the aid of family as well.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 16/11/2019 08:40

My only hope is that I have enough funds to take myself off to Switzerland or better yet, pray that the powers that be become sensible in the future. Grim, I know.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/11/2019 09:03

'Lots of children stick their parents in homes and forget about them.'

This sort of thing is trotted out so often. IMO very few people 'stick' a parent in a home without a great deal of thought and heart-searching. From experience it's nearly always because the person - whether due to physical or mental frailty, or both - now needs 24/7 care, or at least someone there and available 24/7, and for whatever reason(s) it can't be provided any other way.

In any case, unless you can self-fund, there's never any question of 'sticking' by social services without very good reason. And if you do self fund, it will hardly ever be a decision taken lightly, because of the very high costs involved.

Having said that, I don't think parents should ever expect children to look after them in their old age. They will have their own lives and commitments. I certainly never wants my dds - with whom I have a very good relationship - to have to look after me.

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