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To feel disrespected by best friend's past behaviour with my then boyfriend ?

72 replies

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 02:15

So DH and I have been married for 5 years with kids and I've been best friends with said friend for 15 years, she's married 3 years and has kids.

Recently in the spirit of openness, DH decided to tell me that, 8 years ago, while I was away in another country for a few months, during the time we were dating, 2 years into our relationship, my best friend met up with him and asked him to let her know why he chose me.

He expressed that convo was her essentially saying that they were closer n terms of friendship and I was the one on the sidelines, and she was surprised by us getting into a relationship. He said what he perceived from the undertones was that she had feelings for him, and he feels the question confirmed that. He never had feelings for her though nor was attracted to her.

I of course was livid at the revelation and felt so so hurt and disrespected that my best friend could crossed such boundaries. To go and have this kind of conversation behind my back, a convo which I felt was her essentially asking why he chose me not not her.
Nothing happened between them, but I'm hurt that she would even do this. If you had feelings and he's now with me, you go to the grave with them and not give any inclination whatsoever. The ship has sailed your time is done, don't bring it up, I feel.

He's expressing though that, he thinks the question of why I was chosen not her, if done out of curiosity, for closure or for clarity isn't wrong. And he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

AIBU to feel the way I do and to think it was a grossly inappropriate convo to have with your best friend's boyfriend and also to be hurt by the fact that he even entertained it and cannot see anything wrong??

OP posts:
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 08:36

I’m not sure why your DH would bring this up now? Perhaps he realises your friend is not as loyal as you think she is and feels you need to be aware of this?

The way your friend behaved 5 years ago initially comes as pretty self-centred although maybe she actually confused their closeness as being something more. However I do think she was overstepping the mark. Meddling with your relationship. He has chosen to be with you after all and in order to maintain her friendship she should have maintained her dignity and kept quiet. As a friend, she should have been happy for you.

As it happened 8 years ago, she may have grown up a bit and for all you know might actually look back in that moment and cringe. It might be worth bringing it up with her to get her side of the story however you need to assess you friendship as what it is now, not 8 years ago.

LemonTT · 15/11/2019 08:42

The situation, 8 years ago, would be very different from today. I am guessing you were a new girlfriend with him. She knew him really well and maybe there was something more there for her if not him. I am surprised, as her best friend, you didn’t know about it at the time. I’m even more surprised he didn’t either, given her confidence in discussing it with him. In fact I find that incredible. There was no betrayal on her part in this situation.

On balance she handled it well and it should have been left in the past. It was a closure conversation. Obviously, that was that, because she stopped pursuing him and got on with her life. She didn’t interfere with your relationship.

The big question is why the reveal 8 years later. The most obvious reason is that he made a pass or has done something unforgivable that she knows about (it may not involve her). He wants to drive a wedge between you and discredit her.

Of course, she could be the one making the pass and coming on to him But I suspect not. Because that is what he would tell you. And she isn’t going to tell you because she has far too much to lose for unrequited love. No it would be tell all or nothing on his part.

Bottom line, the squirrelly behaviour here is from your husband. There is no reason to tell you this. It can only make you unhappy and cause aggro.

She kept the secret for years and would continue to do so. That was out of respect to you. She may now see the need to tell you something about what he has done. He doesn’t want you to believe her.

justilou1 · 15/11/2019 08:43

I’m more concerned with why he’s kept it for now. Is it true? I wonder..... probably not. He’s being deliberately devisive for a reason. Look at him first, and her later, but only if you need to. She’s been your best friend for a long time for a reason.

Butchyrestingface · 15/11/2019 08:44

Haha! I didnt think the matter of him bringing it up was an issue but it was because we decided to have a secrecy talk

Er, why? Don’t you trust each other? 😐

Did you have any boundaries in place for this “talk”? Not that a “secrecy talk” is something I think I’d do, but I wouldn’t be a happy camper if the other party took the information I divulged to go off and confront a third person.

I’d think twice about confiding in you again.

LemonTT · 15/11/2019 08:49

I’ve seen the update. I still think your husband is squirrelly. This wasn’t just his secret was it? Your husband is quite shabby in my opinion. I still think he has an agenda.

I’m not sure what a secrets conversation is meant to be or to achieve other than mischief. Either you are prepared for reveals and can take them. Or you aren’t. I am fairly sure you aren’t.

Did you go into it with the idea it would be innocuous tells and you could laugh about it afterwards. Well that’s not how secrets work.

BrokenWing · 15/11/2019 08:54

Sounds like a non event to me.

Two friends talking and one asks why they choose their girlfriend at the time.

She didn't ask why he didn't chose her or inappropriately reveal feelings for him, he has perceived this, perhaps incorrectly, perhaps because the thought of this inflated his ego at the time. Realistically it was 8 years ago, your friend probably doesn't even remember the conversation (obviously your dh's ego does!) and the intent will never be fully remembered.

Forget it.

Silencedwitness · 15/11/2019 08:55

Secrecy talk? That’s a bit odd in itself. Personally I’d not bother bringing this up with my friend when it happened 8 years ago. You’re both married, you want to remain friends with her. The answer would probably be either she was fishing as she was attracted to him or she was curious why or how you’d come to be a couple. I also don’t think it would do your friendship any good.

runoutofideasnow · 15/11/2019 08:59

A secrecy talk? Bizarre.

I wouldn't bring it up with your friend, it will change your friendship.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 09:18

If that's the case, don't talk to her.
She was alone and vulnerable at the time and I can understand why she was upset that he chose you if she had even the slightest glimmer of hope that he was her light at the end of the tunnel.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 15/11/2019 09:20

Gosh you're getting a hard time OP- well, your dh is! For what it's worth I think a secrecy talk sounds like a healthy way to air stuff that's happened in the past that maybe didn't seem like a big deal or appropriate to share at the time.

I'd be annoyed with the friend too but bear in mind your dh might be remembering it more as a flattering "She fancies me" thing than it was - 8 years can distort a memory. I'd casually mention it to her like you think it's a bit of a giggle she one asked your dh what he saw in you - see what her reaction is.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/11/2019 09:31

Your ‘secrecy talk’ sounds weird and damaging, it also sets up there notion that it’s ok to keep secrets until the next talk. Very odd.

It seems like they were friends independent of you? Why on earth shouldn’t she have a conversation with him about why he didn’t want to have a relationship with her if that’s where she was hoping it would go?

If they were friends independently of you then it’s nothing to do with you.

If they only knew each other through you then yes it’s crossing a line and I’d be very wary if her AND of him

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 09:43

DH does admit that he could be wrong about what he's perceived but charting their friendship and the undertones, says he thinks she had feelings for him. Though he essentially doesn't believe she was wrong to ask why he chose me.

I think a "secrecy talk" is a perfectly fine thing to do. If we are putting something like that on the table I absolutely expect to hear things I wouldn't particularly like, that's exactly why they are secrets. It doesn't mean I should just forbid myself from feeling how I do because it was years ago.

He's also open to me talking to my best friend and has encouraged it in fact, so I can get her side of the story and get a better picture.

DH is wondering you guys believe she crossed any boundaries and if so what boundaries?

He also wonders if you would feel disrespected if you were in my position and why?

OP posts:
ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 09:47

The whole point of the talk was to be open and move on henceforth with said openness.

We don't want to have any major secrets between us, hence why we decided to have that conversation.

I know that there will always be things we don't say but the major things which should have been said and should be said, we want to air out and create a honest, safe and open space for each other.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 15/11/2019 09:48

ApproximatelyOld DH is wondering that is he. 95% however are wondering about his motivation, not hers. This is a massive ego trip for him isn't it?

Hollachica · 15/11/2019 09:55

Is a secrecy talk a thing, why on earth would you need that. You make decisions, you deal with things in the moment and you move on.

As for this silly revelation, it really is nothing, it sounds like you were all friends and they were friends and she asked a question, end of. No inappropriate behavior. She had just had a child, the father was gone....and she asked what made you two click.

LemonTT · 15/11/2019 09:56

Basically your DH strung her along as a close friend knowing she had feelings. That’s on him. She did the right thing by closing it down when you came on the scene. He clearly wasn’t going to do that.

Whattodoabout · 15/11/2019 09:59

This is strange. I would mostly be concerned by your DH’s intentions telling you this eight years on. Also a ‘secrecy talk’ is weird, you shouldn’t really keep secrets from one another.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 10:01

What's the point in a secrecy talk if there are always going to be things you don't say?

Womenwotlunch · 15/11/2019 10:03

Still don’t know why your dh bothered to bring this up tbh.
As another poster suggested, it could be some type of ego trip to keep you on your toes. It could be that your friend genuinely wanted to find out where she was going wrong. It could be that she wanted to find out if he was right man for you.

You could ask your friend, but she may be upset that your dh brought it up after all this time

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2019 10:08

Because she's your BF then yes I think she crossed a line. I would definitely ask her about, it would make me feel a bit uncomfortable

Bufferingkisses · 15/11/2019 10:29

Your (mutual) friend had a conversation with her (close) friend about a decision he made. I don't see that she crossed any boundaries, I don't see that it was actually about you. If he had got together with someone else the same conversation would probably have happened. My take on it is that she was probably wondering about herself and how she came over at the time. You say she was single with an Mia father, it's perfectly reasonable that she might have been reassessing and talking to her friends to gain some understanding.

In short, it's not about you. I also question your DH motives and his reasoning for wanting us to focus on her.

WestSideSnorey · 15/11/2019 10:48

Lot's of jumping to conclusions in this thread, as is usual.

OP, you'll need to ask your friend (if you really need to know, not like she'd definitely be honest anyway) but to me, she was a long standing friend and you were in a serious relationship. There are other (far better)ways to make a move other than to ask why she chose you over her and this screams to me that she wanted to know why he didn't try it on with her but did with you.

Anything is possible but I absolutely wouldn't assume she was out of line, just as likely that she was seeking some help for self improvement from a man who she had a close and safe relationship with.

I'd leave it and assume she wasn't coming onto your partner, absolutely no need to rock the boat as once you ask it will be assumed you are accusing her and the friendship will not be the same again, all over a possible misunderstanding.
Us Men can be pretty full of ourselves and think every woman who speaks to us wants sex because we are so used to being ignored.

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