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To feel disrespected by best friend's past behaviour with my then boyfriend ?

72 replies

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 02:15

So DH and I have been married for 5 years with kids and I've been best friends with said friend for 15 years, she's married 3 years and has kids.

Recently in the spirit of openness, DH decided to tell me that, 8 years ago, while I was away in another country for a few months, during the time we were dating, 2 years into our relationship, my best friend met up with him and asked him to let her know why he chose me.

He expressed that convo was her essentially saying that they were closer n terms of friendship and I was the one on the sidelines, and she was surprised by us getting into a relationship. He said what he perceived from the undertones was that she had feelings for him, and he feels the question confirmed that. He never had feelings for her though nor was attracted to her.

I of course was livid at the revelation and felt so so hurt and disrespected that my best friend could crossed such boundaries. To go and have this kind of conversation behind my back, a convo which I felt was her essentially asking why he chose me not not her.
Nothing happened between them, but I'm hurt that she would even do this. If you had feelings and he's now with me, you go to the grave with them and not give any inclination whatsoever. The ship has sailed your time is done, don't bring it up, I feel.

He's expressing though that, he thinks the question of why I was chosen not her, if done out of curiosity, for closure or for clarity isn't wrong. And he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

AIBU to feel the way I do and to think it was a grossly inappropriate convo to have with your best friend's boyfriend and also to be hurt by the fact that he even entertained it and cannot see anything wrong??

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 15/11/2019 06:42

I’m in 2 minds as I think she had feelings for him at the time and was potentially hoping for something. I can imagine why she might want to know that for sure but equally I can’t imagine doing that to a best friend even if I had feelings for someone. The other option is that she’d had feelings for him in the past and needed closure on it but wasn’t planning on acting on anything.
If she’s been perfectly appropriate for the last 8 years then I’d try not to go off on the deep end too much; it wasn’t right but equally people change a lot in 8 years and she may very much regret the conversation.
I think you need to decide now if you need a conversation with her about it or can let it go; I think I’d need to hear her side

WitsEnding · 15/11/2019 06:44

Was she single at the time (or less popular than you) and trying to work out why?
I agree the weird thing is why he brought it up now. I remember back when my generation were "pairing up", we'd often speculate on why couples suited each other.

rollon2020 · 15/11/2019 06:46

Could she genuinely been wondering where she's going wrong? Ie you both seemed in a stable relationship and she sees you as similar, why hasn't she found someone too? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think after 8 years although hard to only just hear, you've no idea how the question was actually asked, your DH could just been imaging there's a hidden meaning to what she's saying
We've all read too much in to a comment before

Fatted · 15/11/2019 06:51

Your friend isn't your problem, it's your DH you need to worry about. What on earth has led to him dragging something like this up from 8 years ago suddenly now?

I'd say that your friend is the one who has moved on from any feelings she may or may not have had. Your DH by the sounds of it hasn't.

pictish · 15/11/2019 06:52

I don’t think you need to worry about it.
You weren’t there, you don’t know how the conversation came about or what the tone was. I don’t think she harbours a long lost love for your dh...I think she considered herself the more attractive at the time perhaps...or the more well matched...and was asking why you made the choice he did out of curiosity. She hasn’t made a play for him or anything like that so I’d assume it was just idle chat.

Also, this took place years ago. Let it slide. X

londonrach · 15/11/2019 06:56

Vvvvv strange to bring this up 8 years later. Did he sleep with her and wants to tell you. Theres more to this op

LagunaBubbles · 15/11/2019 07:01

I think it's weird, but not as weird as him deciding to tell you all these years later

Absolutely this.

AgnesGrundy · 15/11/2019 07:05

Yep, as Wavey and others say - what you should be asking is why he's telling you now? To stir the pot? To get you worried? To get your attention? To make you "appreciate" what a sexy catch he is - how lucky you are that he chose you when you're friend wanted him and is a better match, be grateful!

There's no good reason for him telling you this now, it isn't in the spirit of openness (it would have been if done straight away while dating, it isn't now) it's in the spirit of shit stirring or ego stroking or softening you up for something else you don't want to hear.

mrssoap · 15/11/2019 07:07

I wouldn't be impressed. But, it was 8 years ago, so I'd probably let it go and be more intrigued as to why he decided to mention it now?

user1493986150 · 15/11/2019 07:09

It was a long time ago before marriage and children, I wouldn’t dwell on it now.
One of my best friends once told me when very drunk that when she was getting set up with her now husband, she was actually more Interested in my now husband (they were friends - we became best friends through them). I thought it was quite funny but never for a minute think that she still has her eye on him or anything like that. Life moves on and I’m sure she doesn’t feel like that anymore - probably just the same as your friend.

pictish · 15/11/2019 07:13

I also wouldn’t apply undue suspicion as to why he’s telling you now. You said yourself, ‘in the spirit of openness’ - so it sounds like he’s just chatting about it. I’m sure he isn’t seeking to cover anything up or cause upset. It was eight years’s of no matter now.

IdiotInDisguise · 15/11/2019 07:24

How old were you all, when this happened? How long had you been together at that time? Were you as closed to your friend as you are today 8 years ago? I could hardly tolerate my best friend and godmother to my kid when we were young, life changes.

Do not evaluate that incident (if it happened) under the light of your current friendship/relationship. But give it a thought of why he is telling you this all these years later.

KatherineJaneway · 15/11/2019 07:31

I wonder why he brought it up now as well. What good could come from telling you?

Nothing happened, she had a question that she wanted answered. She can't be the only person to think this question, whether or not it should be openly asked is another thing.

runoutofideasnow · 15/11/2019 07:40

What's your husbands agenda? Why is he bringing this up? That's what I'd focus on.

Notnownotneverever · 15/11/2019 07:41

From her point of view it does sound like she had a question and needed closure. Nothing wrong with that imo. Perhaps she didn’t expect your relationship to develop in to the serious relationship that it did and she needed to know that she hadn’t missed her chance by not asking.

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable.

Like other PP’s I would have more doubts about why your husband brought up this essential harmless historical conversation. Does he nornalled shit stir in your friendships? Does he not like said friend anymore and wants you to stop seeing her?

I wouldn’t worry about your friend. I’d question your DH’s motives.

crispysausagerolls · 15/11/2019 07:45

I have been through this! I think something happened and agree with PPs they are playing power games over revealing the information to you. Had exactly the same with an ex who slept with my then best friend.

Flouncysinatra · 15/11/2019 07:52

How did this come up? Your dh telling you now seems very strange. Is he trying to distance you from your friend for some reason?

Also I get the feeling that, even if it happened it’s being framed strangely. The likelihood of your friend meeting up with him specifically to ask this is low (people don’t do this Hollywood shit in real life). More likely they met up for drinks or whatever and this question came up (possibly as flirting I’d imagine) which while still not on, isn’t quite the same as a calculated meeting just to ask.

It’s fucking odd that he bought it up. Is he feeling insecure so wants to show you what a “prize” he is?

Whiskers14 · 15/11/2019 07:56

I'd be more concerned about why he's choosing now to tell you, rather than a conversation that happened eight years ago. The time for you to be upset was back when she crossed the line, not now when you're all happily married. I suspect something else has triggered this. Maybe he now has feelings for her?

MissMarpletheMurderer · 15/11/2019 07:57

If that is exactly how it panned out then I agree problem is with your husband. What has he got to gain from this??

TheDarkPassenger · 15/11/2019 08:00

If this is legitimately what happened (as in he’s not trying to lead up to something else) then I don’t think I would be bothered. She loved someone and needed closure, it worked and she moved on.

BUK3R3 · 15/11/2019 08:15

I agree with many of you. He should have come clean years ago.worth having another chat with DH to clarify why now ??? Be frank and ask your friend too if she is sticking to the same story.
Good Luck x

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/11/2019 08:20
Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 08:25

He is setting out the narrative now something has happened

scrumptiousbears · 15/11/2019 08:30

I think this is a red herring. Something is up and it's a diversion. There is no need for your DH to stay this up from 8 years ago. Don't be pointed in the wrong direction OP.

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 08:36

Hi all,
Didn't mean to make two threads, wasn't sure which the most appropriate place was and this is my first thread. But I then couldn't delete the extra one.

Haha! I didnt think the matter of him bringing it up was an issue but it was because we decided to have a secrecy talk. Is there anything that's happened over the years that we don't know of about each other. I mentioned various things pertaining to the children I've kept from him and he's mentioned this and a couple other random things.

I do believe him that nothing happened between them.

She was single at the time, though she'd just had a baby with an MIA father.

And I wanted to get her side of the story, to see why she did it. I understand it was a long time ago, but the revelation has offended and hurt me.

I wanted opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way and whether to bring it up. I don't intend on ending the friendship, not at all. She's my best friend and we're both happy, I just want to understand her mind at the time and why she chose to cross the line

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