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To feel disrespected by best friend's past behaviour with my then boyfriend ?

72 replies

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 02:15

So DH and I have been married for 5 years with kids and I've been best friends with said friend for 15 years, she's married 3 years and has kids.

Recently in the spirit of openness, DH decided to tell me that, 8 years ago, while I was away in another country for a few months, during the time we were dating, 2 years into our relationship, my best friend met up with him and asked him to let her know why he chose me.

He expressed that convo was her essentially saying that they were closer n terms of friendship and I was the one on the sidelines, and she was surprised by us getting into a relationship. He said what he perceived from the undertones was that she had feelings for him, and he feels the question confirmed that. He never had feelings for her though nor was attracted to her.

I of course was livid at the revelation and felt so so hurt and disrespected that my best friend could crossed such boundaries. To go and have this kind of conversation behind my back, a convo which I felt was her essentially asking why he chose me not not her.
Nothing happened between them, but I'm hurt that she would even do this. If you had feelings and he's now with me, you go to the grave with them and not give any inclination whatsoever. The ship has sailed your time is done, don't bring it up, I feel.

He's expressing though that, he thinks the question of why I was chosen not her, if done out of curiosity, for closure or for clarity isn't wrong. And he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

AIBU to feel the way I do and to think it was a grossly inappropriate convo to have with your best friend's boyfriend and also to be hurt by the fact that he even entertained it and cannot see anything wrong??

OP posts:
rosegoldivy · 15/11/2019 02:26

I'm in 2 minds. Rationally it was 8 years ago, your married, she's married, nothing ever happened between them so I feel like I need to tell you to just let it go, move on and get over it.

However, I'm not always a rational, so if it was me I'd be inclined to ask her, even in a jokey light hearted way and see her response. Odds are she's hardly going to remember 8 years ago and if she does could easily say she was only asking him and not meaning it in THAT way.

Is it really worth throwing 15 years of friendship away for? I doubt it.

Countryescape · 15/11/2019 02:31

I think she (the friend) was extremely rude, inappropriate and hardly a friend. She can’t think much of you if she asked why he picked you. It’s like saying “what do you see in her?” Which should be obvious. Awful.

Waveysnail · 15/11/2019 02:40

Why on earth is he dredging this up 8years later Hmm

isabellerossignol · 15/11/2019 02:42

I think it's weird, but not as weird as him deciding to tell you all these years later.

PeopleWhoRun · 15/11/2019 02:54

I'd be fuming. If you were at the two year stage and she had just said this I'd be absolutely fuming....
I know it's 8 years on, what the heck does he want you to say?
I'm all for the spirit of openness, but bloody hell, what does he expect to gain from this admission?
It was crappy of your friend, really crappy. But it was quite literally years ago.
Him bringing it up however would raise questions for me.

Creepster · 15/11/2019 03:06

Do you believe that is really what happened?
Why tell you this now?

Creepster · 15/11/2019 03:09

I ask because 1, your friend has feelings for me is a male fantasy that many married men suffer from and 2, your friend came on to me is a common way men try to poison the well of friendship between women.

FridalovesDiego · 15/11/2019 03:09

Why two threads? I get it now though, he is about to admit to something much bigger but is looking to blame her. He shagged her, but it was all her fault. I think he is the problem, not her.

BillHadersNewWife · 15/11/2019 03:11

"chose you" ?? Were you both up on a platter then? Genuine question...were you both after him?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 15/11/2019 03:14


Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2019 03:38

I’d be wondering what his motivation is for telling you now tbh. Even if true, what good can come of it 8 years on?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 15/11/2019 04:52

Why would he even tell you this? The spirit of openness should have been 8 years ago...

Lostkeysinaraindrainurghh · 15/11/2019 05:07

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fit4more · 15/11/2019 05:18

There’s more going on here. This is not the full story. Why is he mentioning it now? What’s he trying to provoke? Don’t react right now. If it was me I would 1) ask him why he’s mentioned this now 2) go to her and ask her for her side of the story. I’m wondering if she will remember it differently. It may have been a different conversation. Fact check. If she did have feelings for him then wow...she should have told you before going to him. That raises all sorts of other questions. Get your facts first though

fit4more · 15/11/2019 05:19

I’m also wondering if you now can’t trust her around your husband. Is she secretly in love/pining for him. This all needs to be found out. What a shit thing to find out

Crazyhouse123 · 15/11/2019 05:28

Yep agree with pp's that there may be something more going on here. Sorry pp. It seems really odd that he is bringing it up now, like he is getting his side of the story in before she does. I would be more inclined to think something happened back then and she is now threatening to tell. Maybe.
It might be perfectly innocent and something he had forgotten, or maybe he doesn't like your friend and is mentioning it now as a way to stop you seeing her.
Sorry though.

AmIThough · 15/11/2019 05:48

Another one who thinks it's incredibly bizarre for him to bring it up now.

And "he's never had any feelings nor found her attractive". So how did she get him to meet up with her? What was his response to her at the time?

I feel he's building up to tell you more and maybe you need to get your friends side of the story.

Cobblersandhogwash · 15/11/2019 05:50

Do you believe him?

Curtainly · 15/11/2019 06:23

Sounds like he wants to stir the pot, why not mention it at the time? Probably because theres more to it, you know your friends character if you've been friends for so long. If it seems out of character, perhaps he led her on back then which is why she was confused, or has been said, has a confession brewing and is trying to lay the blame elsewhere. Or he doesn't like you being friends with her and is trying to break you apart. I would ask for her side to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 06:26

What's his motivation to tell you now? Are you sure it's true?

Curtainly · 15/11/2019 06:32

I just noticed you said you were away for a few months with work, were they friends before you met? Why did they meet up? I get on well with my partner's friends, but when he has been away with work I've never had the desire to meet up with them.

Starlight456 · 15/11/2019 06:36

I am on the suspicious of his motives side

Beveren · 15/11/2019 06:37

You're getting this filtered through the mists of time and a lot of male vanity. Your husband hasn't actually reported anything that suggests your friend had feelings for him, that's just his perception. It could be that she was simply trying to establish that he was genuine about you and wasn't messing around. I agree you need to get her side of the story.

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