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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask school staff whether they can share this info re a teacher?

151 replies

thenasdo · 14/11/2019 18:38

Am hoping there's some posters on here who work in schools and could shed some light on what may be going on.

DD is in Year 10, she has had the same form teacher since she started Year 7. She has always liked said teacher, and teacher makes special effort to get to know each student and support them if they have anything going on. The past few months DD has had a few issues with a group, ostracizing and bullying her.

Said teacher has been a great support to DD, while pastoral care in the school have brushed her off. Pastoral care seems to think that by Year 10 DD should be coping herself and they are still caught up helping the new Year 7's adjust. DD has only been able to cope going into school becuase this teacher offers her a safe space to go to at lunchtimes and talks to her etc.

However since Monday last week the teacher hasn't been in. The form has had a string of subsitutes. Other staff are being shifty about the teacher's absense and there seems to be some deliberate secrecy. She still has her name up on the school's website so it doesn't look as though she's been sacked. I am quite concerned though as this teachher has been DD's only source of support within the school.

If I were to contact the school and ask why she hasn't been in, would I be likely to get an answer?

OP posts:
8Iris8 · 14/11/2019 22:24

*absent

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2019 22:29

8Iris8
Phew! Smile
I thought it was poor form to think there was something off about someone being absent without notice.

What's really sad is I've encountered that attitude more often than is reasonable in schools. Some parents really do complain about things like that. One of my former colleagues had a complaint made because they "couldn't be bothered" to attend revision sessions. They'd been out of school for a funeral!

MitziK · 14/11/2019 22:31

The other staff probably don't know a bean.

If somebody is off sick, they don't know this, all they know (unless they have been told by the staff member themselves or they're her line manager) is that she's off. And even if they do know, they can't say - certainly not to children or their parents.

If they're dealing with a bereavement, they might not know, as it's not something schools are in the habit of sharing at the weekly staff meeting. When my brother died, the head asked me if he could tell my manager. Nobody else knew until I told one person (and said I didn't mind her telling others, I just didn't want to have to say the words myself).

And if she's on gardening leave/suspended, nobody knows.

Effectively, until/unless the teacher herself comes back and tells the kids the reason why she was off, you will never know - and even then, it's what she decides to tell your DC.

MsJaneAusten · 14/11/2019 22:38

Bloody hell. It’s November. She’s probably got a cold. Or flu.

MrsJoshNavidi · 14/11/2019 22:38

I bet she comes back as a man Grin

ShinyGiratina · 14/11/2019 22:40

I used to do long term supply. I often didn't know from one week to the next how long I would be employed even for posts that lasted a long time and had a long history of absence, it was just going from one sick note to the next.

Absence information is private and even collegues often don't know much more than a brief headline even in long term absences.

FlamingoAndJohn · 14/11/2019 23:04

A colleague of mine has been off for the last 4 weeks. I don’t know why because it’s nothing to do with me and if she wanted me to know she would tell me.

Cohle · 14/11/2019 23:08

OP I doubt you're coming back, but I think you need to separate:

A) the fact that without this teacher your child has no support and what the school intend to do about that over whatever time frame is necessary; and

B) wanting further details about the causes for and duration of the absence, which is nothing to do with you and not something that should be shared with you.

DowntownAbby · 14/11/2019 23:16

This can't be for real, surely?!

Shock
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/11/2019 06:27

When I cover lessons first thing kids say "where's mr X?" My response is always - not here. There is always one who then takes it a bit further, my response then, none of your business. See where the attitude comes from. Teachers are not your employees.

pinkstripeycat · 15/11/2019 06:55

lookatthebabypenguin

Have you not heard of GDPR

This is not GDPR. DP is to do with data and contact details. OP still hasn’t any right to know teachers reason why she’s off

titnomatani · 15/11/2019 08:08

Only if you'd be happy for your work colleagues to share with your clients how you'd gone out to a fancy restaurant last night and had got the shits so weren't able to come to work in the morning. It's none of your business OP why the other teacher isn't at work. And, your daughter could do with some resilience training- ask the school.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/11/2019 08:13

It’s got absolute nothing to do with you as to why a teacher is off absent Hmm

ultrablue · 15/11/2019 11:40

**noblegiraffe

Pastoral care seems to think that by Year 10 DD should be coping herself and they are still caught up helping the new Year 7's adjust.

Don’t believe this.**

Pastoral care is for every child of every age. If school are telling you this I would seriously be questioning it. They have a duty of care to your daughter

Interestedwoman · 15/11/2019 12:33

YABU. Maybe it's mental health or something and that's why they're keeping quiet, to protect the staff member's privacy.

bluegreygreen · 15/11/2019 15:58

You would not be unreasonable to call the school and ask about their plans to support your daughter.

You would be very unreasonable to call the school and ask for any details of her teacher's absence.

I must admit, as a professional who deals with young people and so has some knowledge of safeguarding, I am uncomfortable with the idea that a teacher has put herself in a position where she appears to be the only support for a child, and is offering daily meetings.

At the very least, it can result in situations like this, where difficulty is created when the teacher is absent. When regular meetings like this are outside the usual pastoral framework, there is also little support for the teacher and a risk of transference or dependency issues. There is also a risk of accusations of inappropriate behaviour.

(Not a teacher)

ChloeDecker · 15/11/2019 16:06

I can’t quite comprehend how the OP has the nerve to even consider that they may have a right to this knowledge. Disgusting.

BlueDinosaur · 15/11/2019 16:09

Wow you are nosey. I can’t believe you even need to ask this! How would you feel if someone rang your boss wanting to know details of your absence?

LIZS · 15/11/2019 16:24

Not sure how knowing would be of benefit to you or your dd. Poor teacher, is she not entitled to be off sick, bereaved or have a personal problem without it being shared with all and sundry. No staff will be able to discuss her absence with you under gdpr, even assuming they know.

In the meantime this is an opportunity for your dd to forge a bond with another member of the pastoral team. Could you ask her hoy or head of pastoral care to facilitate this.

brighteyeowl17 · 15/11/2019 18:09

Cant believe some posters are having a go at the teacher saying being supportive is ‘inappropriate’. Often students get on with one person and so end up being supported by them for various reasons. For all you know the pastoral system has discussed this with the teacher and the support she is offering is the plan.

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2019 18:23

Cant believe some posters are having a go at the teacher saying being supportive is ‘inappropriate’.
Because there are such things as professional boundaries and part of being a professional is maintaining those boundaries for the good of the child.

The problem of having a student having one very close relationship with one member of staff is that those boundaries are easily blurred and it also limits the child's ability to work through their issuesz develop strategies and a solution.

So in this case, the OP's child seems distressed that "their" member of staff has been off less than a week. This is such an issue that the OP has been on the website looking at the staff lists and wants to know if they can ask for information.
That's not the sign of a healthy pastoral relationship.

  1. A relationship with a staff member shouldn't be so intense that a few days absence has this sort of response from parent and child
  2. Spending most breaks/lunches with the member of staff has caused 1 to happen as the member of staff has become an emotional crutch
  3. The member of staff should know better than to nurture and maintain a relationship of dependency because of the emotional risk to the child.
  4. This sort of very insular too much social time with the member of staff means the student is losing time they could be spending developing positive relationships with their peers or being steered into enrichment opportunities for like-minded people
  5. The teacher is leaving themselves wide open to blurring the boundaries between teacher and friend
  6. The student finds it harder to develop coping strategies to use independently because their strategy is to find that one member of staff

Nobody is saying that students can't get on with one teacher more than others, that's normal. Nobody is saying teachers shouldn't support and mentor students because we do (e.g. I'm working really closely with a few students at the moment, but I know they'll be fine when I have the baby because they aren't emotionally dependent on me).

They're just saying the teacher, however well intentioned, is showing a lack of professional judgement

SmileEachDay · 15/11/2019 18:46

This is such an issue that the OP has been on the website looking at the staff lists and wants to know if they can ask for information

Yeah, I don’t think it’s the staff member who has the issue here.

Firstawake · 15/11/2019 20:09

If your DD is struggling at school that is your only issue.
Air your concerns at school , ask for advice.

brighteyeowl17 · 15/11/2019 20:11

Jesus Christ. As a teacher myself some of the things I am reading are utter garbage and as usual somehow turning a supportive member of staff into the bad guy. Post was about teacher being off sick and parent not being happy and all of a sudden the teacher is ‘blurring the boundaries’. Clearly some people have never been in this position. Sometimes it’s a case of being the teacher with the time, at that time. Sometimes it’s for whatever reason a child decides to trust you.

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2019 20:16

bright
As a teacher you should know yourself that it's not a healthy pastoral relationship to nurture a relationship with a student (especially a vulnerable one) where they become dependent.
If a member of staff being off is causing this many issues for a student then it's fairly reasonable to suggest that theres probably some error of judgement, however well intentioned.

As I said, we all develop pastoral relationships. We often will click with students and them with us. But we shouldn't be putting ourselves and children in a position where they are dependent on us like it appears in the OP. It's not good for the students.