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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask school staff whether they can share this info re a teacher?

151 replies

thenasdo · 14/11/2019 18:38

Am hoping there's some posters on here who work in schools and could shed some light on what may be going on.

DD is in Year 10, she has had the same form teacher since she started Year 7. She has always liked said teacher, and teacher makes special effort to get to know each student and support them if they have anything going on. The past few months DD has had a few issues with a group, ostracizing and bullying her.

Said teacher has been a great support to DD, while pastoral care in the school have brushed her off. Pastoral care seems to think that by Year 10 DD should be coping herself and they are still caught up helping the new Year 7's adjust. DD has only been able to cope going into school becuase this teacher offers her a safe space to go to at lunchtimes and talks to her etc.

However since Monday last week the teacher hasn't been in. The form has had a string of subsitutes. Other staff are being shifty about the teacher's absense and there seems to be some deliberate secrecy. She still has her name up on the school's website so it doesn't look as though she's been sacked. I am quite concerned though as this teachher has been DD's only source of support within the school.

If I were to contact the school and ask why she hasn't been in, would I be likely to get an answer?

OP posts:
GrimalkinsCrone · 14/11/2019 20:02

OP’s response is par for the course though. No concern for the teacher, focused on the worst possible scenario despite the woman having gone above and beyond for her daughter, using emotive, negative language and all about My Child.

heartsonacake · 14/11/2019 20:03

YABVU. This is absolutely none of your business and no, they won’t tell you. You have no right to ask anyone at the school about this teacher.

And your DD needs not to be so reliant upon one person because they’re not always going to be there.

NegroniOnIce · 14/11/2019 20:04

Oh goodness no. You won't make yourself at all popular.

GrimalkinsCrone · 14/11/2019 20:05

OP needs to talk to the pastoral team and the HOY, rather than Marpling about a teacher.

SquareAsABlock · 14/11/2019 20:06

some people have been pretty spiteful to you

I'm sure they'd be worse, but rather not face a ban.

Chattybum · 14/11/2019 20:06

What a bloody cheek! It's called privacy. What's more annoying is you clearly don't give a crap about this kindly teacher, just what she can do for your daughter.

FlamingoAndJohn · 14/11/2019 20:06

It’s a big lot of none of your business.

Perhaps a parent has died, she’s had a miscarriage, her partner has been diagnosed with a terminal disease? Any one of a hundred reason.

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 14/11/2019 20:09

Its most likely they are sick. Staff are being 'shifty' as they wont share private information. They are unlikely to know if they is suspended or not. As a parent its not for you to know.

Besidesthepoint · 14/11/2019 20:10

What do you want to do with the information? Do you want to challenge her why she isn't there and should stop being absent? Because tgere is no reason that you need to know what she is going tgrough at the moment.

If you just want to know if it's a short term or long term thing maybe you can ask that?

Mammatino · 14/11/2019 20:13

I hope you can get your poor daughter some support. I also hope its nothing serious and the teacher is back happy and healthy on Monday. If that's the case then the situation with your daughter needs resolving through the correct procedures that you can push for. The poor girl is being bullied sitting on her own with a teacher at lunch is really sad not to mention not helpful in the long run. Good luck.

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2019 20:13

Absolutely inappropriate to seek that information.

What I would also query as a colleague is the nature of the relationship where a student is that bothered and upset about staff absence. There's a fine line between a supportive, professional relationship and one that promotes dependency. Personally, this relationship sounds like it crosses boundaries. Part of being a good pastoral support for students is that they can manage without you.

That's pretty off and it must be something pretty serious for the sudden departure.
Nothing off at all.
In the last year I've known people who've left or been off suddenly for the following reasons:
Mental health issues caused by multiple miscarriages
Losing both parents in a short space of time and having to deal with their estates
Hypermesis in pregnancy
Pregnancy related illness
Partner relocation with the forces
Work related stress
Cancer

But of course, suggest there's something off about it because the world hasn't been informed and the absence been phased in a convenient fashion

Starlight456 · 14/11/2019 20:14

I had an issue with a teacher been off sick in primary ( not obviously she wasn’t well enough to work) . He had a teacher from the year before who it really didn’t work .

I wrote bro head asking for support while teacher was off sick. This would work better

Nomorepies · 14/11/2019 20:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 14/11/2019 20:15

there seems to be some deliberate secrecy.

I should hope so too! It's absolutely nobodys business why the teacher is off. If you call and question it, you will be the crazy parent we end up talking about in the staff room at lunchtime.

I also find it baffling that you have jumped to wondering if she was sacked.

If you are concerned about support for your daughter then by all means call and explain your concerns. Tbh your daughters wellbeing at school shouldn't hinge on one teacher and the school should help you address this.

Pinkblueberry · 14/11/2019 20:17

I am quite concerned though as this teachher has been DD's only source of support within the school.

‘Concerned’ as in nosy you mean? How does knowing why the teacher is off help your daughter? What she has or hasn’t done for you’re daughter is irrelevant, it’s a professional relationship and so it’s absolutely none of your concern why she’s been away. I agree with the PP, you thinking it’s any of your business is totally bizarre - and think other teachers are ‘shifty’ for not gossiping with you about their co-workers absence. Know your place and have some respect.

ActualFemale · 14/11/2019 20:21

So, would it be OK for the poster's child to send a card to the teacher c/o the school for them to forward, do you think?

I don't think in these circumstances it would be as the pupils don't know why she is absent.

If the teacher on maternity leave a class card saying congratulations is one thing, but if you don't know the reason she's absent then what type of card and with what message could she send without appearing to cross boundaries.

It sounds like OP wants to know why the teacher is off so that her dd can have an idea of when she will return and be less anxious, rather than a "I hope the teacher is ok" type thing.

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2019 20:23

I agree actualfemale and also it's another way of blurring boundaries in a relationship that is most likely already beyond a reasonable pastoral relationship with appropriate professional distance.

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 14/11/2019 20:23

Can’t think of anything to say that won’t get me banned 🌺 so I’ll just leave this red flower here.

Yes, YABU but you know that don’t you?

Teachermaths · 14/11/2019 20:25

I agree with Lola about the nature of the relationship if your dd really can't cope without her being there. That level of dependency is not healthy. Your dd does need to seek out alternative support strategies for precisely this situation.

stoplickingthetelly · 14/11/2019 20:25

Goodness OP. I’m sympathetic to your dd having a hard time at the moment and think school should be taking her worries more seriously. However, you really cannot be asking school about this teacher. There could be any number of reasons for the absence. In the past teachers at my school have been off for a huge variety of reasons such as; illness, bereavement, marriage breakdown, mental health issues, seriously ill parents, seriously ill children, miscarriage and the list goes on. I would be absolutely livid if I was off and school gave personal details about my personal circumstances to a parent. It simply isn’t your business. However, your are within your rights to ask for more support from the pastoral team/SLT if you think it’s really necessary.

brighteyeowl17 · 14/11/2019 20:25

No and what on earths business is it to do with you?! She could be ill or have had a death in the family. Teachers have a right to privacy.

Turt · 14/11/2019 20:28

I've been in your daughters shoes in school and in no way would I or my parents expect to know the reason for my teachers absence. How utterly bizarre of you to think you have a right to know? It will not help support your daughter. Please seek help from the deputy head or headteacher if she is suffering and they will help accordingly.

Brigante9 · 14/11/2019 20:35

I was unexpectedly off (major accident) for 3 months. I would not have been pleased to have parents demanding to know what was wrong.

Sotiredofthislife · 14/11/2019 20:35

And just when teachers think they have heard it all...

What gives you the right to have personal information about a teacher? Do you not think she has a right to privacy?

Corneliawildthing · 14/11/2019 20:39

No the school will not tell you that information as it's none of your business.

We are a small school where a member of staff has been off suddenly for nearly a month. None of us know why and would not even think to ask.