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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex should put in the effort

66 replies

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:13

I’m a newbie here, pretty much new to forums (so don’t know the acronyms sorry) but thought this would be a good place to post something I’ve been thinking about to impartial people, so here goes:

The other day I was having a chat with a friend about my daughter who is 8 and her dad (my ex) we split up 4 years ago and he moved out and started a new relationship a few months later. Our relationship didn’t end too well, I started seeing someone else toward the end and he found out and it was just a bit horrible.
Anyway, since then up until perhaps 8 months after we split he had been seeing our daughter every Saturday and giving me money every month, no problem there. But at the 8 month mark he started having her every other weekend. The thing is that he collects her from me, either at my home or my sisters (where my daughter spends a lot of time as my sister has a daughter the same age) and drops her back, he does all the travelling back and forth and I don’t really have to at all as he’s so desperate to see her will go to any lengths.. my friend said I was wrong for this that I should at least drop off or pick up but I don’t think I should as he seems happy to. For context I have a 3 yr old daughter too and he and his partner have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old too.

He has asked me in the past to help out but to be honest I don’t want to, my 3 yr old is a demanding child and even though I drive so does his partner, surely between them they can sort it out? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

namechangenumber2 · 14/11/2019 16:17

Many years ago I was advised that I wasn't obliged to do any travel as its Ex's contact, not mine. However not long after we moved ( 50 miles) so offered to share to split the costs and travel time.

Ex has recently moved much further away and we no longer help out. He's moved somewhere very inconvenient and a pain to get to.

X0X0 · 14/11/2019 16:21

its got nothing to do with his partner, they are not your childs parent, you and your ex are.

how far away does he live?

Original poster

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:27

He lives about an hour away by bus or 40 mins by train. I have never moved though, he did obviously when he left, though we’re still in the same city.

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/11/2019 16:27

Does he live far?

My ex always picks up DS on his contact days and drops him back off, he has a car and I don't so he's happy to do it. If he did ask me to take DS over I would but it would take a lot longer on the train. It depends how happy your ex is with the situation.

It's not his partner's job to run around after your child by the way. It's for you and your partner to sort. "I don't want to" isn't a good enough reason, neither is having a demanding child.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/11/2019 16:28

You and your EX partner to sort, I mean!

slipperywhensparticus · 14/11/2019 16:31

He moved so far away it's his issue to sort admittedly I helped my ex out when he lost his license but if it didnt work for me that day I told him it didnt work for me and it was his issue to sort

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 16:33

Yes YABU.

he does all the travelling back and forth and I don’t really have to at all as he’s so desperate to see her will go to any lengths

He does it all, so the least you can do is help out now and again.

It's what decent co-parents do.

Original poster

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:35

He has asked me in the past and we have argued about it but I dislike him so much I feel like I don’t want to do anything to help him out. Also, I know he will never not do the collecting and dropping off as he loves our daughter so much. The only thing in this situation I feel bad about are his other kids as my friend said it wasn’t fair on them having their dad traveling like this and taking time away from time spent with them (as he works a lot) but I think they’re so young it doesn’t matter too much.

Sorry if I’m coming off a bit cold, I’m just trying to be as honest as possible to get unbiased advice x

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 16:39

Your friend is absolutely right.

What part of that ^^ is putting your daughter first?

You need to put your dislike of him to one side if you two are going to successfully co-parent.

I don't imagine he's too keen on you either after your cheated on him but he appears to be doing what's right for his child.

purpleboy · 14/11/2019 16:45

Yes Im sorry but you are coming across as incredibly selfish and immature.
But taking the emotion out of it, he moved so I would think it's up to him to do the drop off and pick ups, however I think to parent responsibly and amicably then once in a while wouldn't kill you in order to help him out and show your daughter that you can co parent together. Unfortunately your attitude says a lot about you.

AngelsSins · 14/11/2019 16:45

Does he help out with the driving for the other 13 days in the fortnight? If not then I don’t think him doing the ferrying 1 day out of 14 is some amazing sacrifice for him.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/11/2019 16:45

His other children have another parent they are not out in the cold 🤔 why does he want help now?

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 14/11/2019 16:46

Reverse

Anotherlongdrive · 14/11/2019 16:47

You cheated and now purposely do things make things harder for him, cause you dont like him.

Nice

AngelsSins · 14/11/2019 16:48

I think to parent responsibly and amicably then once in a while wouldn't kill you in order to help him out and show your daughter that you can co parent together

OP already does almost all of the parenting, she’s already massively helping him out by doing this. When does he help her out?

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 16:48

Sometimes people have to move, especially after the breakdown of a relationship.

That doesn't mean they should forever have to do the driving. At least that's now how courts tend to see it anyway.

But this isn't even about that really. It's about the OP's refusal to help because she dislikes him.

I don't think that's a good enough reason and as their child is only 8, there'll be many times in years to come that the OP will have to put her daughter first and her own feelings last.

Original poster

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:50

Thank you for all your replies, I honestly didn’t think I was being selfish.

@AngelsSins he doesn’t drive. He uses public transport and he works full time, I do not work.

@slipperywhensparticus he seemed happy to do it until he started having kids with his partner, I’m not unconvinced she’s put the idea into his head.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 16:50

Angels you missed the word 'co-parenting' there.

The OP isn't helping her ex out by cheating on him and then being the RP, especially as she describes her ex as desperate to see his daughter.

Stressedout10 · 14/11/2019 16:53

Wow
I'm going to be nice here as your asking so might change.
You are coming off really badly here. You cheated on him yet you hate him? You hate him so much that you make things difficult for him as you know that he loves your dd so much that he will never not do it.

Why?
Does your dd not deserve better from YOU?
How can you possibly think that YOUR behaviour is in anyway acceptable or right?

Yetanotherwinter · 14/11/2019 16:54

I’m sorry bit you’re being unreasonable and selfish. You have as much responsibility as he does that your child has a relationship with her father. You should be meeting him halfway not expecting him to do all the travelling.

cheesydoesit · 14/11/2019 16:54

He doesn't even drive! Must be a reverse.

funinthesun19 · 14/11/2019 16:54

surely between them they can sort it out?

Nope. Surely between you and your ex you can sort it out. She has her own children to see to and prioritise.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2019 16:55

I’m not unconvinced she’s put the idea into his head.

I thought that this was a discussion with your friend?

From what you have written he hasn't complained, he has just asked for help a couple of times.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 16:55

If he ends up taking you to court over this, the judge could well decide you need to do some of the facilitation when it comes to travel.

So helping out now and then would probably be doing yourself a favour.

But also the main person in all of this is your DD and I'm sure it'd be nice for her now and then to not have to spend an hour on the bus or 40 minutes on the train, especially during the colder weather.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 14/11/2019 16:56

My opinion - you do what's best for your daughter. And that's trying your best to maintain a good relationship with her dad, and that maybe includes doing him the odd favour. If he has a 2 hour round trip he is going to be knackered and have less time with her. If you do the odd drop off or pick up it might mean he can do an activity that they dont otherwise have time for for that evening.
Also from a purely selfish point of view, you dont ever know when you're going to need a favour in return so I dont think it hurts to do him a favour occasionally as long as he isn't taking the piss

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