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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex should put in the effort

66 replies

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:13

I’m a newbie here, pretty much new to forums (so don’t know the acronyms sorry) but thought this would be a good place to post something I’ve been thinking about to impartial people, so here goes:

The other day I was having a chat with a friend about my daughter who is 8 and her dad (my ex) we split up 4 years ago and he moved out and started a new relationship a few months later. Our relationship didn’t end too well, I started seeing someone else toward the end and he found out and it was just a bit horrible.
Anyway, since then up until perhaps 8 months after we split he had been seeing our daughter every Saturday and giving me money every month, no problem there. But at the 8 month mark he started having her every other weekend. The thing is that he collects her from me, either at my home or my sisters (where my daughter spends a lot of time as my sister has a daughter the same age) and drops her back, he does all the travelling back and forth and I don’t really have to at all as he’s so desperate to see her will go to any lengths.. my friend said I was wrong for this that I should at least drop off or pick up but I don’t think I should as he seems happy to. For context I have a 3 yr old daughter too and he and his partner have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old too.

He has asked me in the past to help out but to be honest I don’t want to, my 3 yr old is a demanding child and even though I drive so does his partner, surely between them they can sort it out? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

fluffygal · 14/11/2019 17:36

Does he help with the school/nursery runs during the week? Taking her to any extra curricular activities? Doctors and dentist appointments? Parties? If he is helping you with half of these things then sure, help him out with dropping/picking her up once a week. If he doesn't help with these things then you are already doing 90% of the running around for your child, he needs to step up!

Livelovebehappy · 14/11/2019 17:37

I think that as you are doing the biggest chunk of the parenting as opposed to him just parenting every couple of weeks, then of course he should do the pick up and drop off. You parent your child 24/7 apart from two weekends a month, so the drop off and pick up if travelling on public transport actually gives him the opportunity to spend a bit for time with his dd.

Original poster

Florah · 14/11/2019 17:42

Thank you to everyone who gave their opinion. I’m not thrilled haha but if I’m shown to be in the wrong I don’t mind admitting it.

Someone asked earlier what I dislike about him. The answer is everything. We got together when we were young and very early on it was clear we didn’t fit but for some reason we stayed together and then had our daughter who we hoped would fix the relationship. For a short while it seemed to work but then it all fell apart again. I know he dislikes me too so it’s not all me doing the disliking.

I will re-evaluate our arrangement though, if only for my daughters sake. Thanks for not being nasty x

OP posts:

PhoenixReincarnated · 14/11/2019 17:44

@Unhomme the op says he does Friday to Sunday one week then Saturday the next.

@Florah you need to do what is best for your dd. Not your ex or you, your dd.

Original poster

Florah · 14/11/2019 17:47

@fluffygal he does as much as I allow him to. I don’t really want him taking our daughter to school or dropping her off as I know all the teachers and parents and he’s quite awkward anyway, he has done it a few times when I’ve asked though.

@Livelovebehappy this is also what I thought, since perhaps with his other kids he doesn’t have one on one time with our daughter.

OP posts:

PhoenixReincarnated · 14/11/2019 17:47

Oops, just seen your other post @Unhomme

PhoenixReincarnated · 14/11/2019 17:52

@Florah you don't have to do all of it. Maybe just the pick ups so he can collect and still have one to one time.

titchy · 14/11/2019 17:53

Does your dd enjoy slumming it in the cold and dark for an hour on public transport, or would she prefer you to drop her off in a warm car once a fortnight?

Stressedout10 · 14/11/2019 17:56

Can I just check I've got this right.
He wants to be more involved with your dd but you are actively preventing him from being a bigger part of her life?
You do realise that she will hate you for this when she gets older.
Your selfish behaviour will drive her away from you and towards him .

Honestly the more you post the worse you look

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 17:58

Honestly the more you post the worse you look

It sounds harsh but I was just thinking that too.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2019 17:58

he does as much as I allow him to.

I wonder if this will change anyone's views?

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 14/11/2019 18:01

My ex does all pick up and drop offs.
Except a few. One where ds and him fell out and ds asked me to pick him up 30.miles away at 11pm!
And a couple his wife has come to either collect or drop off.

Silly thing is he told cms he has travel expenses. Due to him. Moving away meaning the cms was reduced.. Fair enough.
But 2 weeks after asked if he started getting train as quarter of price could I get ds from station... Um no.. Because you get a reduction for the fuel price..
Plus if dh at work I'd have to drag toddler out and if football is at home I'd be in loads of city traffic.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 18:02

Perhaps it would be better for your daughter if he did take you to court.

Perhaps that way he'll be 'allowed' to do a lot more for her.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/11/2019 18:31

You sound a bit controlling.

You "don't want" him dropping her to school because he doesn't know the parents or teachers? How ridiculous.

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 14/11/2019 20:18

Just re read all of the posts and to anyone in this situation I would tell them to take the RP to court. Its not about allowing, it's about him parenting. Whether you want him to or not.
Your dd isn't a weapon.. Let him be a dad. Let her have the memories of daddy taking her to sch.
Lots of mums would love an ex to want to take more of a role.. Instead of being a deadbeat.

snowball28 · 14/11/2019 21:18

I think it would be nice to take it in turns especially in the winter, I’m sure your daughter would far prefer sitting in a warm car with her mum than long public transport journeys.

I understand you dislike him, my sons dad makes my skin crawl so I do get it but honestly try to realise you aren’t helping him but making life easier and more comfortable for your daughter, it’s very important she sees her dad and her half siblings.

Maybe every other week you could pick her up?

Also try to leave his new partner out of it, she has no obligation to any of you.

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