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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex should put in the effort

66 replies

Florah · 14/11/2019 16:13

I’m a newbie here, pretty much new to forums (so don’t know the acronyms sorry) but thought this would be a good place to post something I’ve been thinking about to impartial people, so here goes:

The other day I was having a chat with a friend about my daughter who is 8 and her dad (my ex) we split up 4 years ago and he moved out and started a new relationship a few months later. Our relationship didn’t end too well, I started seeing someone else toward the end and he found out and it was just a bit horrible.
Anyway, since then up until perhaps 8 months after we split he had been seeing our daughter every Saturday and giving me money every month, no problem there. But at the 8 month mark he started having her every other weekend. The thing is that he collects her from me, either at my home or my sisters (where my daughter spends a lot of time as my sister has a daughter the same age) and drops her back, he does all the travelling back and forth and I don’t really have to at all as he’s so desperate to see her will go to any lengths.. my friend said I was wrong for this that I should at least drop off or pick up but I don’t think I should as he seems happy to. For context I have a 3 yr old daughter too and he and his partner have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old too.

He has asked me in the past to help out but to be honest I don’t want to, my 3 yr old is a demanding child and even though I drive so does his partner, surely between them they can sort it out? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Antigon · 14/11/2019 16:58

YABU. Bundle kids in the car and do a pick up or drop off.

Evilmorty · 14/11/2019 16:59

You aren’t facilitating HIS contact, you are facilitating your child’s contact. It’s not just for his sake, it’s for your child’s sake.

Yes selfish.

Original poster
Florah · 14/11/2019 17:01

@BoneyBackJefferson the conversation I had with a friend has caused me to seek advice from people who won’t automatically side with me. What I meant is that before he met his current partner he never complained about having to collect and drop off our daughter, I think his partner is the one who has told him not to do it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florah · 14/11/2019 17:02

@WorraLiberty he could actually take me to court over this??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 17:03

What I meant is that before he met his current partner he never complained about having to collect and drop off our daughter, I think his partner is the one who has told him not to do it anymore.

Well he didn't have a toddler and a 1 year old baby then, did he? Confused

AngelsSins · 14/11/2019 17:03

The OP isn't helping her ex out by cheating on him and then being the RP, especially as she describes her ex as desperate to see his daughter

But her cheating has got nothing to do with him being a parent to his child does it? It sounds like he was the one who dropped seeing his daughter from one day in 7 to 1 in 14? I just get fed up of mums being lumbered with everything, and then expected to put themselves out for the ex and help him with childcare on the one day out of 14 that he has them.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 17:04

@WorraLiberty he could actually take me to court over this??

Yes of course he could. To have proper contact arrangements set out and that will include pick ups/drop offs.

Original poster
Florah · 14/11/2019 17:05

@angelssins sorry if I was unclear. He sees our daughter every other Friday to Sunday and every Saturday in between.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 14/11/2019 17:07

@Florah
Yes he can take you to court for this and most dads I know have atleast Friday to Sunday every other week.
Think about it and if you need a selfish reason it would affect how much cms you get

Stressedout10 · 14/11/2019 17:08

Sorry cross post

Antigon · 14/11/2019 17:08

What I meant is that before he met his current partner he never complained about having to collect and drop off our daughter, I think his partner is the one who has told him not to do it anymore.

You come across as very cold OP. Stop blaming his partner. It’s more likely the fact that he has two other kids and yet has to do all pick ups and drops offs via public transport. And you’re the one who cheated on him!

What do you dislike about him?

Nicknacky · 14/11/2019 17:08

Don’t you want to make things easier and more comfortable for your daughter instead of the bus journey during the winter? Or is being awkward to your ex more important?

ColaFreezePop · 14/11/2019 17:08

OP your posts are all about what you don't like not about putting your daughter first.

As a PP pointed out it is worth occasionally helping him out as this is about your daughter having contact with her father.

As you have another child you could easily have an emergency where you need someone to look after your daughter. If you have a cordial relationship with your daughter's father at least you will be able to ask him and he is more likely to drop things to do so.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 17:08

But her cheating has got nothing to do with him being a parent to his child does it?

It's got everything to do with him now being a co-parent and being desperate to see his daughter and everything to do with other children being thrown into the mix.

The children are the most important people in all this.

The OP needs to put her 'dislike' aside and remember that.

Owlypants · 14/11/2019 17:13

I don't particularly like the father of my dc but we still managed to take turns when it came to dropping off and picking up when the children were younger. Why don't you want to? It can't only be because you have a demanding 3 year old, surely you take both your children out together to do other things.

OrangeZog · 14/11/2019 17:13

Yes he moved away so ultimately it’s his responsibility. However, the important thing is not your feelings but your daughter. Perhaps she would like you to do some of the travelling or perhaps she’ll look back and see you as being really petty, especially if she feels she could have seen more of her father or had better quality time with him if you had been considerate, and that will form part of her view and feelings about you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/11/2019 17:15

You cheated on you partner and now want to punish him. Even if you found such behaviour acceptable, you are only going to hurt your DD by taking such an attitude.
I would stop acting like the innocent victim in this and maybe look at whats best for everyone.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2019 17:16

@Florah

So is he complaining or is he asking for help every so often.

It is unclear from your posts.

1Morewineplease · 14/11/2019 17:21

Taking your daughter on a few occasions isn’t going to harm you. Yes, I appreciate that you don’t like him, that’s why you are exs. It seems a bit unkind to expect him to keep on doing the journey on public transport and I suspect it’s not any more fun for your daughter. The cost of using public transport is also going to impact on his new family’s finances.
Now that he has children with his new partner, the lengthy travel will impact on them too. That’s probably why his new partner has suggested that maybe you could help out.
I think ( sorry) that you might be being a bit mean on this issue. Given that you did cheat on him, irrespective of why you did so.

Unhomme · 14/11/2019 17:29

He does it all, so the least you can do is help out now and again.

It's what decent co-parents do

Does he buggery. He does one day a fortnight. My view is that he could do a significant more than one day a fortnight...but if that's all he can do then a bit of travel is nothing.

Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 14/11/2019 17:29

The reason he moved away surely is because you cheated on him and he had to leave the family home? Therefore you are partly if not wholly responsible for the fact he is now a weekend dad.

Surely helping him out every now and again for your daughters sake is not difficult. You come across as really unpleasant. YABU

MillicentMartha · 14/11/2019 17:29

I don’t think you are being fair to your DD. My exH had the affair and left me. He does all the pick ups/drop offs because he isn’t happy for me to go near his house and his new wife. Hmm Otherwise I think it would be fair to share.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2019 17:31

Unhomme

He does one day a fortnight.

He seems to do Friday and Saturday EoW and every Saturday.

But it is difficult to find in the OP's posts.

Unhomme · 14/11/2019 17:31

Oops, misread an earlier post.

4 days a fortnight is still hardly 'doing it all ', especially as the weekends are less drudge.

Nomummyonlyzuul · 14/11/2019 17:36

My DPs ex obviously thinks like you. When I met dp he was having his child wed-sun every other week (changed to fri-sun when child started school as he had to move the 29 miles back to his hometown when she kicked him out so couldn't do midweek contact) In the 6 years that have followed, she hasn't done one pick up or drop off, even though she has no other children or responsibilities (also has a free travel card through a relatives work). Her opinion is pretty much the same as yours, why should she, she doesn't like him. Grow up, you wouldnt be doing it for your ex or his partner, you would be doing it for your child. So sad that people think like this, way too many petty parents trying to "win"

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