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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and other friend’s adult son

58 replies

gerritez · 14/11/2019 16:03

I can’t figure out how I feel about this so thought I would ask you lot.

I have an friend, let’s call her A(45) who has an adult son (25). Another friend, B (36)in our group who is single has recently been pretty flirty with the son and had confided in me that he likes her too.

I know that he is an adult and it’s not really anything to do with me, but she has asked for my advice and I just don’t know what to say. I know that A will find it pretty weird and I’m not sure could continue the friendship.

If it makes any difference we have all known the son since he was 16. It just feels a bit odd to me. Aibu to tell her that or should I just tell her to go for it?

OP posts:

Lumene · 14/11/2019 16:05

What does she want your advice about? I would be honest. She asked, I would tell her.

FabbyChix · 14/11/2019 16:06

Both consenting adults not sure what the problem is

FizzyIce · 14/11/2019 16:07

If my son started dating one of my friends I would not be happy.
That’s all kinds of weird

Original poster

gerritez · 14/11/2019 16:07

She just asked me if I though it was weird. On one hand I think it is, but on the other they are both single adults and there isn’t really anything to stop them getting together.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 14/11/2019 16:08

36 and 25 isn't that big of an age gap but if I were the other friend (the mother) I would find it really uncomfortable that one of my friends was with my son

purplepalace · 14/11/2019 16:08

As pp said - both consenting adults.

My advice to you would be to stay out if it, and don't air your opinion. It's really not even his mother's business, let alone yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2019 16:09

If she's asked you directly how you feel about it, I would tell her. I would then be telling her that from this moment forward, you don't want any part of their relationship and you are not going to discuss them as a couple again.

Aside from that, there's nothing more to be done. They are both adults and can make their own decisions.

Loveislandaddict · 14/11/2019 16:10

Is it the age difference, or the fact that you’ve all known him since he was sixteen that is causing you anguish?

If the age difference, it’s not unusual to have an eleven year age difference, although usually the male is older.

If it’s because you’ve known him since a teen, then you need to remember that now he is a man, not that teen, and able to make his own decisions. It may seem weird, but it could also work out.

Original poster

gerritez · 14/11/2019 16:12

I guess I just see him as my friends kid, so i would never have thought of him in that way, I do get that it’s not my business though!

OP posts:

OneDay10 · 14/11/2019 16:13

While the age gap isnt that much of an issue its the fact that it's a friends son.
This isnt just an unrelated 25yo. I'm pretty sure that A would not be happy about this at all. It's an unwritten rule.
In fact I would be disgusted with your friend and tell her it's not ok at all.

icelollycraving · 14/11/2019 16:14

I would feel it was a bit off. The age gap is not the problem but the fact it is the son of a friend. Is the friendship worth losing because I can't imagine a mum who would welcome the relationship.

misspiggy19 · 14/11/2019 16:15

If my son started dating one of my friends I would not be happy

^This. Weird and creepy

AntennaReborn · 14/11/2019 16:19

It's a bit weird, but at 25 he may be your friend's child but he is not a child.

I think I would have more of a problem with it if he were, say, 18 (legally an adult but really still a kid), or if your friend were old enough to be his mum. 36 and 25 is fine, although I expect the young man's mum won't be impressed

dottiedodah · 14/11/2019 16:23

My DS is 25 ,and I would not be happy if he were dating any friend of mine TBH ! I also feel that this is a fairly big gap as well! My Sons G/F is a few years younger, but about late 20s early 30s would be OK .At 36 she will surely not have a lot in common with a 25 yr old!

RockinHippy · 14/11/2019 16:26

What you do is tell her straight that it's not acceptable

Yes it might be a fine age difference & they are both consenting adults, but it just isn't socially an acceptable thing to do within a close friendship group, especially when they've watched that young man grow up.

We had this same thing in my friendship group p, I was asked & gave a straight no holds barred answer which wasn't appreciated as she really just wanted me to pat her on the back for her pulling prowess

It all blew up in her face when his DM found out though & she ended up pushed out for several years

Beautiful3 · 14/11/2019 17:02

It's a friends child. Its creepy and over stepping a boundary.

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/11/2019 17:06

I would tell her that she should speak to the son's and get her view. As other said they are both adults and I really don't think you can legislate for who you fall for.
You would hope that the DM and the other members of the group would want them to be happy, but it seems from the here that others feel their so called moral outrage (despite not being involved) trumps other peoples lives.

CaptainCautious · 14/11/2019 17:08

I would find this weird. Especially as she’s known him since he was young

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/11/2019 17:10

I would also find this weird.

Dutch1e · 14/11/2019 17:10

Agreed that the age difference isn't an issue but this really oversteps the lines we draw around our children. A brother or cousin would take some getting used to but ok. A kid? Nah, it feels off. Give her your straight opinion, whatever it is. She did ask.

Dutch1e · 14/11/2019 17:12

Just occurred to me that moaning about a breakup to your girlfriends or having a laugh about last night's shag would also be very weird very quickly!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/11/2019 17:12

I think it's wrong to be dating a friend's son and at the ages concerned I think I'd worry about them being at different stages in life - her possibly looking to settle down and have children and him maybe looking for the carefree life you can have at that age.

Can you imagine the fallout if they dated and then had a messy splitting up? You'd be called on to take sides too.

squeaver · 14/11/2019 17:19

Is her name Cheryl??

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/11/2019 17:22

It’s icky. Really, really icky.

Original poster

gerritez · 14/11/2019 17:42

Such mixed opinions!! I think I’m just going to tell her I have no idea what to think It’s so hard because we have such a great group, it would be such a shame to have any issues. We have all been close for years and have never really fallen out

OP posts:

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