Friend and other friend’s adult son

[gerritez]

I can’t figure out how I feel about this so thought I would ask you lot.

I have an friend, let’s call her A(45) who has an adult son (25). Another friend, B (36)in our group who is single has recently been pretty flirty with the son and had confided in me that he likes her too.

I know that he is an adult and it’s not really anything to do with me, but she has asked for my advice and I just don’t know what to say. I know that A will find it pretty weird and I’m not sure could continue the friendship.

If it makes any difference we have all known the son since he was 16. It just feels a bit odd to me. Aibu to tell her that or should I just tell her to go for it?

Yanbu to feel weird about this. However everyone is adult and so you may not like it (I wouldn't) but may have to lump it.

Have you thought how you would feel if the sexes were reversed and it was a male friend taking an interest in your friend's DD whom you had all known since she was 16?

It sounds all kinds of icky to me, but the main reason for putting her straight - and you should - is that it isn't very respectful of your mutual friend.

Creepy and if it happens your group will never be the same again!

I'm erring on the side of it being weird. It's one of those things where there's technically nothing wrong with it, not in theory, but in practice it would be all kinds of awkward. I suppose I don't like the idea of her watching him grow up from a 16 year old kid (when she would have been 27) and thinking about him in that way all along. I would just tend to think of the children of my friends in a maternal way, not a carnal way!

I don't think it's the age thing that's the matter.

I'm 25 and my DH is 33 so not so unusual for that kind of gap.

But I think the issue would be what and how the sons mum would feel and react? Not that it would really be her business or she could do anything. Would it also hurt her feelings to know you were also hiding this from her?

Whilst they are both consenting adults and the age gap isn't too bad ,it's weird to be dating your friends son ,especially if you are very good friends ,what if it all goes disastrously wrong ?

I’m these situations on MN I always ask if the genders were flipped would people see it as icky. The answer is yes.

I promise you if you started another thread with the exact same content but changed the son to a daughter and the friend from a woman to a man everyone would say it’s gross so it’s still gross in this case.

Does the son still live at home?

Can't imagine anyone's going to feel particularly comfortable if she starts staying over!

It’s so hard because we have such a great group, it would be such a shame to have any issues. We have all been close for years and have never really fallen out

This is what you tell her. It's their choice but both are shitting where they eat so if it all blows up it's on them.

Yes he does still live at home- which makes it so weird. Also B has a 3 year old, which for some reason makes it feel even more strange. He knows the 3 year old really well and I can’t wrap my head around how that would work if they started dating! I know it shouldn’t be an issue under normal circumstances, but it feels like one

The only advice you can give B is that you are not qualified to advise on something so personal which is also going to impact A.

I dont really understand why B is putting you on the spot like this. Very unfair of her. Only she & the young man can decide.
B would be a better friend to leave you well out of it. It's almost like she is asking you for permission. Could that be because she wants you onside in case of fall-out from A?

The only advice you can give her is that she knows it's going to be upsetting for your friend, so she needs to work out if she's OK with that.

If he's still living at home it's far worse. It's exactly the same situation as with my old friends. She needs to understand that she is throwing a hand grenade into your friendship group & it's going to negatively effect you all. Especially his DM.

I suspect something has already happened between them though, I doubt your friend would come out with this otherwise. My old friend B had already DTD with As 21yo DS & wanted to go public with it. She was also showing off about bedding a young, good looking man as she often did, but there was no thought fir who he was. She was pretty much ostracised from the group as we all got fed up with it, A went crazy & understandably so, & it just made everything so awkward with the rest of the group & none of us ended up liking her behaviour became it ruined everything. B ended up taking herself off away from us all & hung out with other friends. It was years before A spoke to B again & it was some 8 years before I saw them socialising together again I'd moved by then

I also agree that B is looking for allies before going public, my B did that too & it's so bloody unfair. Turned out that she'd had similar conversations with several of us though

Not really an age gap problem . It's the fact it's a friend's son from your group. If it were my friend and she asked what I thought, I would say, if it was me I personally wouldn't go there as too many things could go wrong but I would also say its just my opinion and they are both adults and while yes it might be no bodies business she should be aware there are always consequences and to think through the pros and cons of it all. Whilst I would want a friend to be happy I wouldn't feel right about not warning them about possible pitfalls and how it might make the mum feel uncomfortable ( at the very least at the beginning).

have an friend, let’s call her A(45) who has an adult son (25). Another friend, B (36)in our group who is single has recently been pretty flirty with the son and had confided in me that he likes her too.

Something has already happened between them.

Also, a lot of posts seem to be assuming that there are deeper feelings involved and this is about whether a proper relationship is appropriate. I'm not sure they're at that point. Could be just sex.

I think she needs a wake up call. Tell her there are plenty of other young men who would have sex with her which wouldn't lead to her losing all her friends.

Eurgh I'd not want to be friends with someone who wanted to shag their mates offspring who they knew as a teenager. There are billions of other men to chose from, why try and get involved with a friend's child?!

we have all known the son since he was 16.

Ewwww.

Friend needs to develop some appropriate boundaries/not be such a desperado.

Uugh I thought only men acted like this. (Apart from iris Robinson here in NI).

Eurgh I'd not want to be friends with someone who wanted to shag their mates offspring who they knew as a teenager. There are billions of other men to chose from, why try and get involved with a friend's child?!

Exactly.

Plus the likelihood it'll turn into anything other than a fling is high and she's going to put her friend through that level of ick for nothing. If she loses the friendship, it'll be totally understandable.

She sounds only a short distance away from the female teachers who end up getting nvolved with make students.

The "you don't go there" in her brain is not working. Is she generally foolish, silly, impulsive, with poor boundaries, not able to see wider picture?

*not turn into

This is difficult. It's risky but could all work out. I'd decline to advise, but I would recommend speaking to his mother if it's going to go anywhere. Which in itself is seriously awkward.

If it's just a fun flirtation/possible fling I think she's mad to pursue it when it will almost certainly end or seriously impact her friendship.

This is pretty gross to me. She's known him since he was a child, that's not okay!

If B goes for this, then she will ruin her friendship with A. It'll never be the same. I'd struggle (and may not ever) forgive a friend for sleeping with my (adult) child. Frankly if she chooses starting something up with this lad above considering the feelings of a long-term friend I'd be concerned about her ability to empathise.

It’s weird. The age gap is fine but the ‘son of a friend’ aspect is weird and having known him since he was 16 but she was v much an adult is weird.

I have friends who are enough years older than me that their adult children could be close enough to my age to date. I can’t imagine doing it, it would be weird.

If she hadn’t asked you I might say keep your nose out - since she has asked, I think I’d tell the truth.

I married my friend's nephew.
He was twenty and I was almost twenty eight when we met, friend was 40 though.
My friend thought it was sweet, called us 'love's young dream' etc in a tongue in cheek manner.
Obviously it may have been different if he were her son, but she's pretty easy going so I doubt it.
I had never met my now DH when he was younger than 20, I don't think I could have met him earlier when he was a teenager and still have grown up to have a relationship with him.