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Friends gift to dd

95 replies

Vendividivichi · 14/11/2019 14:46

My dds has a friend who's 16 birthday is tomorrow
They don't go around with each other at school, but mainly go to the gym together.
But they have been friends from primary school

Yesterday me and my dd went to the jewelers as dd wanted to buy the df a pair of pandora earrings they were £27

I said to dd that's quite a lot of money to spend as dd doesn't have much pocket money. But dd insisted and said that df had bought her an expensive ring for dds last birthday (df works for family business and gets lots of pocket money)

So I said ok your money your choice and she bought the earrings

I've just found the ring dds - df bought her.
It's sterling silver (925) with 9 zirconia / glass (no sparkle at all) stones. One of which has already fallen out!

A quick eBay search shows prices at about £3 delivered.
My dd was obviously under the impression that it was more valuable than it actually was hence wanting to buy a proper pandora

I don't think I should say anything to dd and just let it go because it was a gift and my dd likes her ring and it's all about the thought.

But at the same time I'm a bit 🤔

OP posts:
middlemuddle · 15/11/2019 19:53

She wanted to buy her friend a nice pair of earrings, who gives a shit how much the gift to her cost?

OhioOhioOhio · 15/11/2019 19:57

I'd tell her

You can't buy people. You shouldn't think you have to either.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/11/2019 20:06

Sterling silver rings are not normally only £3, are you sure the ones you saw weren’t plated rather than silver ?
Perhaps it did cost a bit more than you assume ? Jewellery prices vary hugely depending on where you are buying from.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/11/2019 20:08

Your daughter sounds thoughtful and generous and I think telling her would be quite crushing, so I would let it go in this one instance.
You have already given her advice on this and will continue to do so again, so its not that she won't have someone older and wiser to point things out to her,
Yes the gift is a lot for her when she has no real money, but she knows this and chose to do so anyway.
She will probably feel the pinch later on and this may be enough to make her more cost conscious in future, as pps said its a chance to advise her that in future £10-£15 is more than enough for gifts and consider some handmade or "vintage" finds for gifts perhaps.
Although the earrings are more than that, they are not drastically more. I bet the two of them and their friends are all chatting endlessly about Pandora atm as its what they are all interested in, and from that point of view they are getting some extra enjoyment out of this, beyond the actual purchase.
Its a 16th birthday and people tend to want to do something special for landmarks - you don't say if the ring was a gift for her 16th or for an ordinary birthday - maybe for her 16th the friend will be more generous, or maybe she gave what she could afford and it really is the thought that counts. Your daughter liked it anyway and it would be sad to make her view a gift she previously took a lot of pleasure in, in a poorer light.
I get that you don't want her to be taken advantage of - in case the friend is a genuine CF - but it could be more innocent than that and its sweet that your daughter is enjoying choosing and presenting this gift so much. Is it worth the upset on the offchance that might possibly be a bit of CFery? Your daughter will soon learn caution under her own steam if there is no real give and take in this friendship.
So as I said, I'm on the side of letting it slide on this one occasion. With a nice mum there to continue to advise on future events she will be fine.

Jack80 · 15/11/2019 20:26

I wouldn't say anything just let her spend her money on a nice gift for a friend

Butterflycookie · 15/11/2019 20:28

Does she actually wear the ring with a stone missing? Can you send a picture of the ring?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/11/2019 20:32

I'd let it slide once or twice but if it kept happening i'd be pointing it out to my dd.

BeardyButton · 15/11/2019 20:49

So. Much. Pettiness.

annoyed234 · 15/11/2019 20:59

But the friend could have got that ring from a store that sold it for a lot more than £3, unless you know it's from eBay, don't tell your daughter.

I for a fact have bought things that costed quite a lot only then to see the same items on eBay for cheaper.

FavouriteSoul · 15/11/2019 20:59

You don't actually know the silver ring cost 3 quid delivered, you are making an assumption it is the same ring as the one you've spotted on eBay. It could easily have cost 30 quid.

I find it really distasteful to price up gifts given, in order to spend a similar amount on the person giving. Does it matter? The overall impression you give is that your DD's friend comes from a wealthy background and should have spent more money.

Don't interfere in her friendship, and let her spend her own money on what she likes. She's 16, not 6.

Fowles94 · 16/11/2019 08:40

I can't believe firstly that you soughtbout this ring to find out how much it was and secondly that a lot of you are so materialistic. Let the daughter and her friend be happy.

MeTheCoolOne · 16/11/2019 10:35

I don’t think it’s petty to see how much the ring cost. When my friends and I exchange gifts we roughly spend the same amount of money. If one of us starting giving £100 bottle of champagne while others were giving tea towels it would just get awkward. I think it’s more thoughtful for friendship groups to be mindful of what’s normal.
£28 for a 16 year old is weirdly high. It puts the girl receiving the present in an awkward position too.
I don’t think this situation has anything to do with being ‘petty’ or ‘mean’. The OPs daughter can still be generous while spending a more sensible amount of money.

JustDoingMe · 17/11/2019 21:41

Don't you have a Lovisa shop or something similar near you?

NauseousNancy · 17/11/2019 21:46

My pandora ring isn’t marked in any way that would show that it’s from pandora!

CleansUpDragonPoo · 18/11/2019 15:17

"Possibly coming up to Christmas try to talk to her about the etiquette of reciprocity and how it's important not to EMBARRASS your friends by buying them expensive gifts when they cannot/don't intend to do the same for you."

This. It's a parent's job to teach their children, OP doesn't want to take away DD's pleasure in making the gift but wants to point out discrepancies / gifting customs / life lessons etc. How else might Dd learn about bal;ance, if not from the parents?

crosspelican · 18/11/2019 15:33

@CleansUpDragonPoo - exactly. It's a difficult art to learn, even for adults! Also helps to avoid falling prey to CF-ery! Grin

(not implying that dd's friend is a CF, of course)

CSIblonde · 18/11/2019 15:40

I wouldn't tell her. It's strange they don't hang out at school but go to the gym together. If the gym is the sole extent of the 'friendship', I'd wonder if the friend isn't very invested & if your DD (unconsciously) is trying to continue & buy the friendship, because the friend isn't very bothered.

aintnothinbutagstring · 18/11/2019 15:41

The girl might have bought it from a shop with a bigger mark up than £3. £27 is not an extortionate amount for a good friend.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 18/11/2019 15:47

@crosspelican, thank goodness our family has agreed a £10 limit on adult giftgiving, makes it so much easier and allows people to be creative with making things and at the same time stops cluttering up the house with unnecessary and / or expensive tat. We discussed it with the under 18s as well, and were pleasantly surprised they all immediately agreed and went further, they all decided on £5 limit for teens, and £1 limit for under 12s, so I'm looking forward to lots of poundshop chocolates or bath bombs or original drawings in poundshop frames this Christmas - will be really lovely.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 18/11/2019 16:19

I just want to know how you managed to find out how much it cost.. Hmm

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