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AIBU?

Friends gift to dd

95 replies

Vendividivichi · 14/11/2019 14:46

My dds has a friend who's 16 birthday is tomorrow
They don't go around with each other at school, but mainly go to the gym together.
But they have been friends from primary school

Yesterday me and my dd went to the jewelers as dd wanted to buy the df a pair of pandora earrings they were £27

I said to dd that's quite a lot of money to spend as dd doesn't have much pocket money. But dd insisted and said that df had bought her an expensive ring for dds last birthday (df works for family business and gets lots of pocket money)

So I said ok your money your choice and she bought the earrings

I've just found the ring dds - df bought her.
It's sterling silver (925) with 9 zirconia / glass (no sparkle at all) stones. One of which has already fallen out!

A quick eBay search shows prices at about £3 delivered.
My dd was obviously under the impression that it was more valuable than it actually was hence wanting to buy a proper pandora

I don't think I should say anything to dd and just let it go because it was a gift and my dd likes her ring and it's all about the thought.

But at the same time I'm a bit 🤔

OP posts:
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GrumpyHoonMain · 15/11/2019 17:54

I would tell her. She’s 16 not 6 and needs to understand how not to be taken advantage of.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/11/2019 17:55

FrivolousPancake

God don’t tell her
I can’t believe you went investigating to find out how much it cost hmm not that you get know because it could have been bought in a boutique or market stall for a huge mark up

I find it so distasteful that people actually search out the cost of gifts. Gross

^THIS With bells on!

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habipprtyh · 15/11/2019 17:58

What’s do you think Pandora earrings are made of 🤷🏻‍♀️

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MeTheCoolOne · 15/11/2019 17:59

I’d definitely tell her. £27 seems like way too much to be spending in friends at that age.

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Bluerussian · 15/11/2019 18:07

Don't say anything to her about the apparent cheapness of the ring. I'm sure it was carefully chosen and looked very nice until a stone fell out. A nice gesture from you would be to take it to a jewellery and have the cubic zirconia stone replaced.

Coincidentally, I was looking at Pandora jewellery online this morning, thinking of Christmas present. The stuff does look very well made but it is upmarket costume jewellery. Quite expensive too! I didn't realise how much.

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Celestine70 · 15/11/2019 18:14

I would take the earrings back. It is nothing to do with the cost of the ring though but more about teaching your DD to spend within her means. The cost is not reasonable.

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Considermesometimes · 15/11/2019 18:19

OP, I have to tell you I was the girl once that spent every penny on my friends, it soon morphed into drinks, nights out, even holidays I would help them with - I really was completely too naive and generous, because they never ever returned the favour or cared about me enough to return the kindness, not once, just cheap tat as you describe on repeat for ten years. I was the one that ended up in debt, they didn't.

I only wish my mother had not said ' the joy of living is giving' and such bollox. I could have done with some proper solid grounded advice! Not more encouragement!!

I would say that expensive presents do not make a friendship any more or any less precious and special, and mention that you believe the ring to be low in value as you had hoped to replace the stone for her, and stumbled across it. I would say kindly that is embarrassing to be on the receiving end of such expensive presents when you have not spent a great deal, so it is usually best avoided unless it is a very special friend (rule number one) and in fact a sign of a good and healthy friendship is balance most of the time (rule number two) you should be spending more or less the same on each other. Sometimes she will spend a little more, sometimes the friend will spend a little more.

What counts is the time taken to find that something extra special, and the thought, NOT the cost.

If you do not take the time to teach her that being over generous can make you a sitting target, and she could be taken advantage of by less than scrupulous people, in a very gentle way so you get the message across carefully, then you are doing her a huge disservice.

At thirty five I discovered this to my immense cost. Now I am much more careful because I can tip back into it. I am still generous, but in a mindful way now.

Teach your dd to have respect for herself, her money and know that good friends, proper friends do not come with a price tag.

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JesusSufferingFuck22 · 15/11/2019 18:20

It's a non issue. Maybe her friend only had a few quid? Your dd wanted to get them for her friend.
My ds does similar. He's always buying gifts for his friends and doesn't give to receive. He doesn't care if he gets anything back...and if he does he's always thrilled with the gift however much it cost!

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Considermesometimes · 15/11/2019 18:20

**unless it is a very special occasion not friend!

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decbaby19 · 15/11/2019 18:23

I can't believe how many tight people there are Grin. Present giving isn't about what you receive back!?

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Considermesometimes · 15/11/2019 18:25

I consider it to be a lack of self esteem in adults, if it is always a little one sided. It can make you look like a complete mug - sorry but it is true!

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Bowerbird5 · 15/11/2019 18:26

I wouldn't tell her as I feel giving is more pleasure than receiving especially if it is the right gift.

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PlasticPatty · 15/11/2019 18:39

My friends and I did this at a similar age - but after one or two birthdays, we settled on a reasonable amount and all stuck to it. It's a learning experience, and generous of your dd.

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Lulualla · 15/11/2019 18:42

Surely at 16 your daughter should know the difference between well made jewellery and total tat? If the ring really is just rubbish costume stuff.

However, sterling silver rings with CZ stones can be £5 or £50. Just depends where it's from.

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Boysey45 · 15/11/2019 18:45

Personally I think £27.00 isn't a massive amount.I'd say something if she was spending hundreds on the friend, but £27.00 is neither here nor there. At the end of the day you cant get much for a tenner.
Embrace life and generosity.

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Scribblescribbles · 15/11/2019 18:49

Maybe just keep an eye on future gifts giving both ways and if the same scenario plays out Then nip it in the bud. It may work out that her df buys her Pandora next time as a result. Not that it's about the amount but just so Yr dd is savvy/streetwise. She sounds lovely by the way.

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caringcarer · 15/11/2019 18:54

If she likes her ring that is all that matters. Her friend will like her gift too so all good. Some people enjoy giving more than receiving. When I was younger I used to love getting nice gifts bought for me now I would much prefer making sure others enjoy the gifts I get for them. Don't spoil her friendship let her choose her own friends and her own gifts. You have a generous daughter you should be proud of her not want to change her.

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Jenala · 15/11/2019 18:54

Just because you can get a version of that ring on eBay doesn't mean that's what she spent. As PPs have said she could have easily got it for quite a mark up in a small shop or stall.

Your comment about her working for a family business suggests to me there's a bit more here about your perception of the friend, her family and money.

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UnderTheSleepingBaby · 15/11/2019 18:56

The friend may not have bought it on ebay, you can't actually know what it cost her.
Teach your daughter a general lesson about not spending more than she can afford, but I wouldn't focus on this

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LisaD76 · 15/11/2019 19:03

A 925 cz ring in a jewellers would sell from about £15 and up.... stones don’t fall out because a ring is bad quality but because silver is soft and if a claw gets bashed it loosens the setting.... average price of such a ring is not £25 and if the stones don’t sparkle it needs cleaning as cz is generally shinier than diamonds due to lack of inclusions

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LisaD76 · 15/11/2019 19:07

sorry meant about £25

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crosspelican · 15/11/2019 19:12

To be fair, the £27 Pandora earrings are easily got on somewhere like Aliexpress for about £3 too. Look:

Pandora

Aliexpress

The ring you found on Ebay for £3 could easily have been bought at a high street store for £25 too - it all depends on how savvy and bargain-huntery these teens actually are.

I wouldn't tell your DD, because it can only hurt her feelings and dull her pleasure at getting her friend a nice gift.

Possibly coming up to Christmas try to talk to her about the etiquette of reciprocity and how it's important not to EMBARRASS your friends by buying them expensive gifts when they cannot/don't intend to do the same for you.

Obviously not even vaguely alluding to this incident though, bcause you don't want to worry her, and anyway, you have no idea what the friend paid for the ring.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2019 19:19

All of these I don’t give to receive comments are great in theory. But if people buy a present with largely differing prices, the person on the receiving end may feel embarrassed, take advantage or feel a need to keep up despite not being financially able. The inverse can also be true of the giver.

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notangelinajolie · 15/11/2019 19:19

I would tell her. Explain that it is the thought that counts and that her friend bought her a lovely thoughtful gift that was relatively inexpensive and that she should do the same.

Your DD sounds lovely and kind but my thoughts are that your daughter knows her friend has more money than her and is trying to impress her. Sadly, if her friend has lots of these charms - then I can't see one more making much of an impression on her.

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Carriecakes80 · 15/11/2019 19:48

No way should you make your daughter feel crappy by telling her her friend bought her a cheap ring, I really am of the school of a gift should simply be meant with love and kindness, not 'Oh she spent a tenner so you should too!'
I'm by no means well off, so it was hard watching my kids save up their pocket money and spend it all on their friends, but I loved that that was how kind he was, just like your daughter.
Money isn't the be all and end all, don't ruin this for your daughter.

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