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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my DD for a contribution to her car repair?

101 replies

wanteddeadoralive18 · 14/11/2019 08:35

DD (17) is doing her A levels and works 10 hours a week.( I am Single parent and work full time if that's relevent)
For her last bday, i paid for driving lessons and a car for her. DD saved to insure the car.
Car has just had some work done on it and we received a £200 bill for the work. As its coming towards Christmas, I have asked her for £100 towards the car bill and I will pay the rest - I am also having 2 new tyres on my car so already am paying out for that. When I asked her she was upset and complained that it will be 2 weeks wages - AIBU to have asked for the contribution as she has made me feel harsh??

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2019 11:21

@Passthecherrycoke

She’s not going to have “plenty” of money in the bank, it might seem like a lot to her, but she only makes a few hundred a month.

Depends on your perception of 'plenty' - I'd say a few hundred a month when you're 17 (and presumably not paying rent/bills and not going out) is plenty!

SunshineAngel · 14/11/2019 11:22

It's a harsh lesson to learn, but you can't run a car for free. I agree she should at least contribute to it.

AnotherEmma · 14/11/2019 11:32

I would just like to point out that NMW for a 17yo is £4.35/h. So if working 10h/w she could be making as little as £43.50/w or £188.50/m. Which is surely not enough to cover insurance, road tax, petrol and maintenance - let alone anything else she might need to spend money on.

Of course she might be paid slightly more than that but it's not as if she has a lot of disposable income.

TryingToBeBold · 14/11/2019 11:33

I've also just had a thought.
Its not that she cant afford it (if she couldn't then I would say YABU) but more doesn't want to because of how much it will cost (2 weeks wages). Life is expensive and a very good time to learn.
You could suggest you pay it all..and she pays her£100 back in instalments (if she is worried about the cost and paying it in a lump sum).

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 14/11/2019 12:05

Some interesting comments, thank you. I have another younger child that is still at school that I obviously pay for everything.
I pay for DD (17) mobile contract, clothes etc. Prior to her passing her test, I drove her everywhere as we dont have great public transport. The car purchase was discussed at the time and she was happy with the arrangement and helped to choose it. It wasn't an option to put her on my car insurance.
DD sometimes works more that 10 hours a week in holidays etc and uses the car to see her BF who lives in another villiage and socialise with her friends.
I never intended for it to be a financial burden as some people have suggested more a step up to more independence.... maybe i was wrong.

OP posts:
IWantADifferentName · 14/11/2019 12:29

I never intended for it to be a financial burden as some people have suggested more a step up to more independence.... maybe i was wrong

I don’t think you were wrong at all. I think helping your DD by buying a car has benefitted both of you.

I can understand her not wanting to cough up for the repairs. But she is at the stage where she is still testing boundaries and learning. And it is a good lesson for her to know that with the perks of car ownership (independence, the ability to socialise freely), there are obligations such a maintenance and repairs.

It does not sound like an unnecessarily harsh financial burden given that she does have a job and you have helped her with a payment plan.

I’d put it down to her trying to see how much she can get away with (that is age appropriate behaviour for a teenager). I do think what you have done is helping her with limited but growing independence, including financial independence.

Branster · 14/11/2019 19:01

‘In the old days’ insurance for a young driver wasn’t £3000/year so it might have been more achievable for nowadays adults to have afford more of their own car upkeep when they were 17.
OP, I think you did the right thing here and your DD is learning to navigate real life at a normal pace.
My DD bought her own car (she is very precious about it and looks after it as if it was a live person), I paid driving lessons, for insurance and I pay for repairs and MOT. I give her £50/month for petrol to get to school (otherwise I would have paid £150/month for train travel to college for her and no way would I expect her to pay for herself to get herself to school).
She’s been working (hard) since she was 16 and pays for her own extra petrol for all the journeys she wants to take, any concerts, festivals, holidays with her friends abroad, plus saving to pay her DoE trip which is nearly £3K and next years car insurance (no idea but it could well be another £2K). She’s doing brilliantly at school and understands the value of money. I want her to drive a safe car so of course I’ll always pay for her repairs because she’s proving she does not waste her money. Should I be unable to help and should she not have any money, the car will just have to sit in the driveway until it gets sorted.
I really find it hard to understand some of the harsh comments here about young drivers and associated expenses. Why shouldn’t parents help sensible teenagers if they can?!

Notthetoothfairy · 14/11/2019 19:05

I think it depends, the car wasn’t bought long ago so why does it need repairs so soon? If because DD damaged it, she should contribute (though I wouldn’t personally make her) but if it was because the car was second hand and not in good condition, she shouldn’t have to pay.

Localocal · 15/11/2019 17:39

Did she ask for the lessons and the car, or does she really need them? Do you live in an area without public transport? Because if she really needs the car, i.e. to get to college or work in the absence of any other transport, then I think you can pay for its maintenance. Or if it was your idea and not something she really, really wanted, then I don't think she should have to spend all her earnings maintaining it. But if she really, really wanted a license and a car that she doesn't actually need, then I think she can help pay for the repair. You might find she decides to sell it when she understands what it costs to run it, especially if it is on the older side.

Around here (London suburbs) kids don't seem too bothered about driving any more. They are happy on the buses not having to worry about parking, or having a drink, or paying running costs.

Lozzat85 · 15/11/2019 17:41

At 17 I had left home. YANBU.

altiara · 15/11/2019 17:47

Maybe then you take back ownership of the car so it can then be shared with the younger child when they’re old enough.
Otherwise you might in the scenario where DD1 goes travelling or on holiday and sells ‘her’ car to fund some of this but you’re the one paying for it all.

Sohololopopo · 15/11/2019 17:55

I was from a single parent family and got nil towards anything. So no your not, at all. Life lesson right here For DD

Wintersleep · 15/11/2019 18:04

It took me so long to get out of the habit of expecting my parents to pay for things for me, even well after I moved out. Unexpected large bill? I rang them and they paid for it. Pretty sure if I asked them now they still would. I'm grateful of course but it took a lot of adapting to get into the habit of fending for myself, best to lay those groundworks now, it's her car now and her responsibility YANBU

VerbenaGirl · 15/11/2019 18:30

Think the vote says it all! You have provided her with a lot of support, which is great - but she has to have some input in the inevitable costs that come with a car.

Lincolnfield · 15/11/2019 20:24

I'm struggling to understand why you would buy a 17 year old a car when on a low wage yourself. We are reasonably affluent but I won't be buying any cars!! Massive unnecessary expense for a 17 year old.

Totally agree! Before I met my husband, I was a widow with my one son. Keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table was my priority.

My son worked through his A levels, through his four years at university and had to take a bank loan to fund his bar vocational course (he’s a barrister). His first car was a clapped out old Fiat which he bought himself- when he could afford it! He was in his mid twenties by then, not 17.

I’m a bit shocked that a car for a seventeen year old is even seen as needed.

Jack80 · 15/11/2019 20:29

She needs to learn responsibility for things

Solange1973 · 15/11/2019 22:12

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your daughter to contribute to the maintenance of her car. Maybe you need to sit down with her and clarify your expectations regarding the car.
I gave my car to my 18 year old daughter after paying for her driving lessons but we had an agreement from day one.
I would have the car MOTed and serviced before giving it to her (it was 6 years old at the time and I wanted to make sure it was in tip top condition before she got it) but this would be a one off. She would be responsible for ALL car expenses after that, including insurance and petrol. I told her having a car at the age of 18 was a luxury (she was a student and could walk to uni from her house - no need for a car) and she was to work to be able to afford that luxury. I did lend her money on one occasion when there was a big maintenance bill but she paid it back in instalments.

isspacethefinalfrontier · 15/11/2019 22:25

Honestly. If you are on a low income (you don't day that but talk about being single parent) then why did you buy her a car? They are money traps and it was almost inevitable that costs would be incurred. 17 year olds don"t need cars

You shouldn't have bought her a car if you can't afford to insure it and maintain it until she leaves uni (said as someone who bought that car on 17th birthday and age 25 (post grad) is still paying for it)

Giraffey1 · 15/11/2019 23:48

Blimey. You bought her a car!! And she hasn’t even done her A levels? You clearly live in a different world to me.

BigChocFrenzy · 16/11/2019 00:06

"She's upset about 2 weeks wages going on 50% of a car bill? "

Happens to many adults too !

What else would her wages go on, as the OP seem to be covering all her expenses ?

BackforGood · 16/11/2019 00:21

I haven't voted in the poll, as I think YABU to be paying for 1/2 of it.

You should have sat her down in the first place and explained just how expensive it is to run a car. Let her know that when she could afford to run one, you would buy her one.
Buying her a car and expecting her to be able to run it whilst doing A-levels seems somewhat short sighted.

bemusedmoose · 16/11/2019 08:46

She wants a car, she needs to chip in for maintenance. Otherwise she can get the bus. I worked during a levels, didnt have the luxury of a car but if I did my mum wouldn't have been paying to run it for me.

I certainly wouldn't be running my kids cars for them.

cannockcandy · 16/11/2019 15:36

I would give her two options, she pays for half or she gets nothing at all for christmas as you cant afford to do both.
Her having to pay half is hardly unbelievable or harsh and is actually preparing her for the real world!

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 17/11/2019 08:37

Welcome to to adult world of responsibility. She is very lucky to have a car at all. How about she pays you in instalments agreed by both of you. In future it will be fully her responsibility and she will have to get used to budgeting for her needs. She must be aware that money is tight, if not, tell her. Ask her.what she thinks is fair considering Christmas is round the corner. Maybe she is happy to not have any presents this year. It's not worth arguing over but it will be a lesson. What about future car problems.....

Harls1969 · 17/11/2019 17:30

So you paid for her lessons and her car? I'd say she's a very fortunate young lady. Of course she should contribute to repairs. It's her car, if she wants to carry on using it, she needs to pay for its upkeep and realise that luxuries aren't usually handed out on a silver platter.