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Original poster

Teenage daughter doesn’t want to see me

71 replies

stev09er · 13/11/2019 19:56

Me and her mother never had a proper relationship, it was a casual thing that resulted in a baby. Despite the circumstances my daughter I have always tried to be involved with my daughter I love her very much. For the first 10 years of her life I only got her every other weekend, didn't get her overnight at all for the first 2 years as her mum always had excuses. Her mum has been with another bloke for a few years now and I felt my daughter begin to disassociate from me around the time they got together. She doesn't call him dad but she refers to this blokes 2 sons as her "brothers" and seems fairly close to them. They all live together now. She has a 2 year old sister through me and my girlfriend who she has literally met a handful of times. I also have an adult son from a marriage years ago who again, she has never had any kind of relationship with. I don't blame her as she is a child but it baffles me.

When my daughter turned 12 I met somebody, and after a year we moved in together. She is from a city 2 hours away and we moved up there as my girlfriend was missing her family. We are now engaged with our 2 year old. I expect to be slated for moving away but I told my daughter she was more than welcome to visit and time and I'd pick her up and be there for her. My daughter is now almost 16 and she's only ever had 3 visits, usually after a row with her mum.

During the visits she spends the entire time on her phone, refusing to engage with me, my fiancee, or her little sister. She always has a face on her and won't make conversation with any of us. I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected.

I send her happy birthday texts and other texts occasionally to see how she is doing and she never replies. I spoke to her mum about it who said she has her life established where she is and she doesn't like feeling pressured to come and visit me. Ridiculous, surely? I am her father. I don’t pressure her, I tell her it would be lovely to see her.

Does anybody know how I can rekindle my relationship with her?

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 13/11/2019 20:02

Your daughter is a tricky age and even if you were still with her mum would probably be self absorbed and think you don't understand her.
Whilst I have little experience of your family dynamics I think keeping the lines of communication open and texting regularly whether or not she replies is a good thing to do.
Let her know you will always be there for her and mean it.

Theendofmyrope · 13/11/2019 20:03

You are putting an awful lot on the shoulders of a child. I dont blame her for ditching you. You sound demanding and entitled around what YOU think she should be doing.

Freddiefox · 13/11/2019 20:04

I think you should visit her, take her for a day out once a month where she lives. Let her show you what she would like to do.

There’s lots more to this, but your question was how to rekindle.

One for thing though I think you need to take a large portion of responsibility towards the break down of he relationship

Lockheart · 13/11/2019 20:05

I'd ask MN to move your post to a more appropriate forum, you'll get some very unhelpful replies on here.

Raphael34 · 13/11/2019 20:06

I agree that it’s her age op. I think you can’t have much experience with 16 yo girls. You did make the choice to move away and made it harder for her to see you. I have a feeling that your relationship will improve over the years, you do need to make an effort to keep the lines of communication open. Do you send a card and present for her birthdays, or just write a text?

Raphael34 · 13/11/2019 20:07

Also she may be feeling replaced after you had another babu girl. It seems like then is when she stopped visiting you?

onthecoins · 13/11/2019 20:08

Do you ever go and visit her, alone? Without your wife and baby?

Jollitwiglet · 13/11/2019 20:10

I agree with pp she is at a tricky age.

Do you ever go and visit her? I would keep contacting her so she knows that you're still there if she needs you, even if she doesn't reply. Don't try and force the issue, as that may push her further away. Just keep messages light and happy

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/11/2019 20:10

What’s the point of seeing her if all she’s going to do is sit around with your new family. She’s 16, not 6. Your goal shouldn’t be to try and integrate her into your new family (it’s too late for that) but to rescue your relationship with her. The best way to do that is on her terms. Go to her every other weekend, take her out, and see her without forcing her to put her entire life on hold

sheshootssheimplores · 13/11/2019 20:12

I agree about you visiting her. Why not suggest you take her clothes shopping in her local large shopping centre with s decent budget. I’m sure she’d find some time to see you then!

Seventytwoseventythree · 13/11/2019 20:13

You lost me when you said you text her happy birthday and other occasional texts. You need to make significantly more effort, she’s a child. My dad acted like this when I was a teen and never made much effort. I don’t talk to him any more. I would imagine she doesn’t feel like you care about her very much.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/11/2019 20:14

I suggest you go on a parenting course or take the time to read up on relevant books. You clearly don't understand the needs of a baby if you don't understand why her mother was reluctant for overnight stays. Ditto teenagers.

pugparty · 13/11/2019 20:14

You're the one who chose to move away from her, you need to make the effort with her now. You go to her, not the other way around. Arrange to take her out and spend some quality time together.

lookatthebabypenguin · 13/11/2019 20:20

You didn't have much of a relationship to "rekindle".

Lolwhat · 13/11/2019 20:20

You need to visit her every month, sometimes without baby and girlfriend, quality time together and then she may feel ready for the occasional overnight visit, it’s a lot of pressure for a 16 year old with what sounds like a good relationship with her mum and her mums partner/children. They probably worked hard at making themselves a family where as you met someone, she got pregnant and then you moved away to be with her, it won’t make her feel very included

Selfsettlingat3 · 13/11/2019 20:22

It’s perfectly normal and in her best interests to not have over nights before 2.

You need little and often, offer to pop down and take her and a friend out for a Nandos or some where similar. Maybe the cinema as if you don’t have a relationship she won’t know what to talk to you about.

Text her at least weekly, nothing heavy. It could just be a silly news article or something she is interested in. Send her the occasional little gift eg posh hot chocolate.

Ellisandra · 13/11/2019 20:23

You moved 2 hours away from a 14yo, and you feel rejected?

She’s been 3 times in 2 years.

How many times in 2 years, did you go back to her at the weekend?

Not really getting why you’re baffled.

Naericht · 13/11/2019 20:26

I didnt see eye to eye with my dad at all at that age, and not really until I was 25 or so , I was very angry with him for years due to his actions around divorce etc . Different circumstances to your break up .

Was years and years before dad and I had a proper talk . I think I was 26 , and that was from age 6 . We ended up meeting in a cafe which was easier, neutral ground , and we talked very carefully about things . Left it another six months before we met again . His wife wasn’t involved at all initially , she has two other sons much older than me and I’ve only ever met one, they weren’t involved either . Just me and my dad .

Built from that visit to texting and emailing , and now we talk every week or two . We’ve become good friends , I am in contact with his wife too and I’ve been invited to visit them over Christmas .

You have to take things very slowly . At 16 I had to deal with school, puberty, exams, friends, relationships and to be quite frank I didn’t really care or have the maturity to deal with my dad at all . I needed my dad to understand how I felt , to hear my side and to give me space .

Don’t keep pressuring her, my dad says he was told to lay off by his aunts, and that ‘when I was ready I’d come to him’ which has sort of proven true .

Ellisandra · 13/11/2019 20:26

Why hasn’t she EVER had a relationship with your older son? If it’s not ever, then surely you’re responsible for that? How was she supposed to have a relationship with him when she’s a child? How often did you get them together when she was growing up?

SJN71 · 13/11/2019 20:31

Some of these replies are a bit mean. Like some above, I'd suggest it's a difficult time anyway in her life, she's a teenager! She's probably quite confused with the whole "blended" family situation, where she fits in etc. I would keep making an effort and go to see her, not wait for her to visit you. It's on you to make arrangements for visits and to get her together with her siblings, not her - she's a kid! Even if she ignores you sometimes keep making the effort, if you don't you will lose her but if you do then when she emerges from the teenage fugue you will still be there. Good luck :-)

Toporama · 13/11/2019 20:32

You seem to be thinking a lot about what she owes you or what she can do for you or how she ought to be behaving in order to make you happy.

It needs to be the other way round. Why are you bothered about your own happiness instead of hers? No wonder there's a problem.

Also: you moved 2 hours away from her, but you expect her to be the one to travel to visit you ?

AnneTwackie · 13/11/2019 20:33

You sound hurt but it’s not her fault, it’s not wholly yours either. Have you apologised/explained why you Moved away? 16 year olds like a soundbite and hers might be her picked his new gf over me” you need to make it clear that’s not the case.
This is what 16 year olds are like, I live with mine and we get on well but her social life always comes first, don’t take it personally. Say you want to see her, ask her what she wants to do, sometimes a side by side activity like the cinema and then a quick Nando’s is better than a whole weekend. Keep trying, being 16 is difficult and it will pass, the only message you need her to get Right now is that you care. Some really nasty posters on here, don’t take them on.

Crispyturtle · 13/11/2019 20:36

Why did you stop having her every other weekend?

chipsandgin · 13/11/2019 20:37

I’d echo the pp’s suggestion of moving this - probably to teenagers or parenting.

As for rekindling - it’s good you want to. Perhaps the person you need to ask how is your daughter? Tell her you love her, you know you’ve made mistakes and not always handled things well but you are there for her, want to know her better and no matter what you will always have her back.

Do you know who her friends are, her teachers, what subjects she likes, what she wants to do in life, what music she likes, what makes her laugh? Maybe ask her if you can visit for a day & go and do something, eat lunch in her favourite restaurant, book tickets to see a comedy night, go to a different town & go to the shops, the beach, a cafe for hot chocolate... drive with her (always good to get teens taking - no eye contact required) & show her she’s important. If the only time she gets to spend with you is with your fiancée & new daughter (who gets to live with you, who you probably pay attention to, know what makes her laugh, are affectionate to...all in front of the daughter who had none of that?) then no wonder she has a face on! Hope it works out OP.

Juliehooligan · 13/11/2019 20:47

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. My partner is in a similar situation (his daughter is now 27) and she has been difficult for the past 15 of them, ever since he said she can’t come into the house drunk at 14. Your daughter has had her mums opinion for the past 16 years and you can’t change anything that might have been said about you and your new family.