Teenage daughter doesn’t want to see me

[stev09er]

Me and her mother never had a proper relationship, it was a casual thing that resulted in a baby. Despite the circumstances my daughter I have always tried to be involved with my daughter I love her very much. For the first 10 years of her life I only got her every other weekend, didn't get her overnight at all for the first 2 years as her mum always had excuses. Her mum has been with another bloke for a few years now and I felt my daughter begin to disassociate from me around the time they got together. She doesn't call him dad but she refers to this blokes 2 sons as her "brothers" and seems fairly close to them. They all live together now. She has a 2 year old sister through me and my girlfriend who she has literally met a handful of times. I also have an adult son from a marriage years ago who again, she has never had any kind of relationship with. I don't blame her as she is a child but it baffles me.

When my daughter turned 12 I met somebody, and after a year we moved in together. She is from a city 2 hours away and we moved up there as my girlfriend was missing her family. We are now engaged with our 2 year old. I expect to be slated for moving away but I told my daughter she was more than welcome to visit and time and I'd pick her up and be there for her. My daughter is now almost 16 and she's only ever had 3 visits, usually after a row with her mum.

During the visits she spends the entire time on her phone, refusing to engage with me, my fiancee, or her little sister. She always has a face on her and won't make conversation with any of us. I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected.

I send her happy birthday texts and other texts occasionally to see how she is doing and she never replies. I spoke to her mum about it who said she has her life established where she is and she doesn't like feeling pressured to come and visit me. Ridiculous, surely? I am her father. I don’t pressure her, I tell her it would be lovely to see her.

Does anybody know how I can rekindle my relationship with her?

My ex moved 250 miles away. The year before he moved he travelled there 2-3 times a month. Before he moved he promised he’d visit our child often. In the first 6 months she went to him twice, he did not come here at all. In the last 18 months she has no interest in travelling all that way when he can’t be bothered to make any effort. He recently came here to see her. She saw him for 2 hours as she said ‘I have other stuff to do, not like he’s bothered anyway as he’s not been in 2 years’. She’s 17 so it’s entirely her call. When I got a whiny text from him about it I pointed out that it was the natural result of his total lack of effort.
You’re the parent. You make the effort. No teen wants to travel miles to sit around with a baby she doesn’t know all weekend and a dad whose idea of effort is a text on her birthday.

but I told my daughter she was more than welcome to visit and time and I'd pick her up and be there for her
These words say so much. You tell your parents, friends, distant relatives that they can visit when you move, you certainly don't say that to your children if you have bonded properly with them.

What you should have done is discussed with her your intentions of moving and why, ask her how she felt about it, tell her that it would be her home too and that there would be a place for her there, tell her that of course you would continue to see her every week-ends, or other w/e, still take her to her activities, still attend school events etc...

What it sounds like, and excuse me if this is incorrect, is that you make this relationship about your needs and how she just naturally fitted within them, rather than you adjusting your life to suit her needs. This is sadly a common situation with non resident parent, especially when they seperate when the kids involved are very young. It is hard to be be fully committed and fully bond when you hardly get to see them a few hours a week from the time they are born, and it is natural that you would focus your energy in building up a new family where you have much more input.

Sadly, this is irrelevant for the child left behind, and when the bond is fragile from the start, and you then move on and find yourself being only a small part of their life, it often results with them breaking off the little emotional contact they have.

You can of course still repair this, but it will require a lot of dedication, energy and patience. The question is do you have it to give her, that is without upsetting your partner, and impacting on your bond with your new child? Would they support you or does it suit your partner well that your DD is only a small part of your joint life?

In the end, you put her needs first with her wanting to be close to her family over the needs of your DD who probably needed you more than ever at that age. She inevitably concluded that your new family was more important than her, and ultimately, by supporting your partner, you did make her more important.

Dude, you moved away, send her occasional texts and have a new family.

You need to be more present in her life and think about her. What do 16 yo girls like, how do they want to spend their time? I can guarantee you it isn't spending two hours travelling to a house she doesnt know, to sit with a woman she doesn't know and a toddler she doesn't know because a man she barely knows shares her dna. Especially one that doesn't see her on her birthdays, doesn't go to her, and doesn't know her.

You need to rethink your angle on this.

I don’t think the op is coming back🙄

Hi sounds like you don't have a relationship with her and your trying to out of obligation. Tell her you'll be there when she needs you and let her go and the guilt, enjoy your new family knowing when she needs you she will write. Don't keep texting or run around after her out of guilt. You are there when she needs you and it might be a few years from now but least that door is open

The occasional text isn't going to keep the lines of communication open. Why not try Skype every couple of days to chat and see how she's getting on?

You moved 2 hours away from your daughter. This prioritised your new relationship over your child. This will have hurt your daughter massively and will probably affect her for the rest of her life.

Your 16 year old will want to be near her home, where her friends and life is...not shacked up a motorway 4 hour round trip to see a dad that didn't put her first.

How dare you blame a 16 year old CHILD for not having a relationship with your 2 year old.

Texts require no effort (from you)...she knows that and doesn't feel you deserve a reply.

My words may sound harsh but your daughter is 100% the victim here not you. You need to grow up

It's bizarre. You seem to have expected her to behave like an equal all through her childhood. She needed you. She needed you to demonstrate again and again and again that you were her parent.

I'm afraid now it's too late and you're reaping what you've sown.

No overnights for the first two years is normal, and nothing to do with her 'mother's excuses'.

Every other weekend until she was 10 - again a perfectly normal arrangement.

She is closer to the stepbrothers she has built a proper relationship with, as facilitated by her mum, and doesn't know your DS or DD because you didn't put the necessary effort in to ensure that happened.

You prioritised you're gf over her and moved two hours away to build your third family unit, telling her what most people tell the distant family members they don't really like : you are welcome to visit anytime.

You send her occasional texts, including on her birthday, when a phone call or visit would be exponentially better.

You judge her perfectly normal teenage behaviour way too harshly, as you will see for yourself if you stick around long enough to see your new dd grow up.

Honestly, it sounds like she's finally old enough to form her own opinion of you and has found you wanting. If you want to turn it around, you need to be putting in significantly more effort and stop blaming everyone else for your own shortcomings.

Unfortunately most teenagers are glued to their phones, are inconsiderate and rude to parents. It’s probably hard to be sure what is normal teenage stuff and what is as a result of the situation. Just keep up with the contact, even if she doesn’t respond. The responsibility is yours, being the adult. Eventually you’ll start to get something in return. I think teenagers are just crap at reciprocity.

Not surprised she doesn't want to see you really. I too had a father who seemed to need to have a child with every woman he met. You're not making much effort with her, so I can't see why she would make much effort with you.

@stev09er I agree with others, you moved away from her (hence prioritising your new girlfriend over your daughter) and she probably resents you for that. You say your girlfriend missed her family, but she is an adult (and it's only a two hour drive to see them) whereas your daughter is a child and this kind of insinuates that since you were willing to move that means you didn't feel you would miss her.

If you want a better relationship with her you need to actively make the effort, not just tell her that she can come and visit you and fit herself into your life.

Visit her regularly, say once a fortnight or once a month, you travelling to HER. Take her out and spend time with her one on one, not with your new family there too. Then say that ON TOP of this, you would love for her to come over and spend time with her sister.

Hopefully if you put the effort in she'll stop resenting the fact that you moved away from her and will start to take interest in the family more.

AT 16 your daughter will have all sorts of things going on in her mind regarding all this family set up over the years. There has been upsets and all sorts of family problems. I think that you should just keep trying meet ups with your daughter,in some really nice ways. It may not happen quickly,but she may come round later on,and be more happy about things hopefully. Patience is needed,don't give up !

Firstly why didn't you go to court for contact? It's £215 in 2019 so maybe even less then. Every other weekend is a common amount but as you were living locally, you might have had extra days over half terms etc

It's natural to call the children who live with you brother/sister - especially when the adults treat them the same. I'd be happy that she get close to her siblings. (Note I didn't say step. If she calls them brother then as a person who loves her, you should too) I'd also be happy that mum and partner were in a stable relationship for your DD's sake.

With regards to you moving away - yes, massive mistake. How many teens want to spend 4 hours a weekend travelling in a car to spend time with people that she barely knows? Whether she's y11 or y12, she's probably got things she'd rather do like schoolwork.

The phone thing- typical 16yo behaviour. Why do you expect her to do the engaging? What activities do you do that she might enjoy? I think it's rich that you feel rejected when it sounds like you did the rejecting.

You don't see her for her birthdays and send a text instead? you text her "occasionally" and wonder why you're not close? Where's the video calls? Do you not share memes or gossip that your dd might like?

I think you should switch to daytime visits to where she lives. Don't bring the fiancée and baby- focus on her. Get to know her better- what she likes and dislikes. 16yo can be busy with a social life, part-time job, school work and might enjoy shorter quality time focused on them rather than the quantity (a whole weekend).
I have teens and they can be quite lazy about going to their Dad's. He picks them up by car and it's only 40 minutes away which is more than reasonable imo. I think your ex's comment encompasses both of these issues. You and your new family are lower priority to her because you've been pretty lazy yourself. Phone her don't text her and get to know her better (I'm guessing that your little amount of contact means you don't know her very well) I think contact will go better once you stop feeling like she owes you her attention and that as the parent who's moved away and been distant, you need to prove to her that she matters to you.

I think the op is in hiding now! None of us know the exact reasons why he split with the daughter's mum etc. All I can say as a guy is that he could have mad more effort etc and tried to lay some blame on the teenager (which is grossly unfair). In a way at least he's reaching out for help and there's been some constructive comments. Maybe a little too late but hope he takes on board what's been said and puts more effort in with the 16yr old daughter

"I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected."

As hurt as she felt when her dad moved two hours away because his gf missed her family, and never mind if a little girl misses her dad? Or as hurt as she felt when she got a shitty zero-effort text on her birthday?

Also, do consider not making any more children you won't ever make the effort with. Not every new relationship needs a baby.

I started off trying to be sympathetic but you sound utterly self absorbed. I have zero sympathy for lazy parents who have put fuck all effort into their relationship with their child, have relied on a step parent to pick up all the pieces and who then whine because their child has no interest in spending any time with them.

She doesn't call him dad but she refers to this blokes 2 sons as her "brothers" and seems fairly close to them. ‘this bloke’?? Do you mean the bloke that has acted as a father figure? The bloke who has contributed to her upbringing? You should be thanking your lucky stars that she’s got a decent stepdad instead of some horrible, abusive monster.

She has a 2 year old sister through me and my girlfriend who she has literally met a handful of times. I also have an adult son from a marriage years ago who again, she has never had any kind of relationship with. I don't blame her as she is a child but it baffles me. It baffles me that you are baffled. Who exactly would be responsible for facilitating a relationship between your daughters? I’ll give you a clue; it’s not either of the children. And again, who do you think is solely responsible for the lack of relationship between your son & daughter?

I expect to be slated for moving away but I told my daughter she was more than welcome to visit and time and I'd pick her up and be there for her. So you fucked off to a new life with your girlfriend and instead of making sure you went to see your child, you gave her the equivalent of a ‘you must come and stay some time’. How are you surprised that she can’t be bothered to travel to see you when you can’t be bothered to travel to see her?

During the visits she spends the entire time on her phone, refusing to engage with me, my fiancee, or her little sister. She always has a face on her and won't make conversation with any of us. I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected. You’re strangers to her. The time for you to be thinking about hurt feelings and feelings of rejection was when you swanned off to another city with your girlfriend.

I send her happy birthday texts and other texts occasionally to see how she is doing and she never replies. It’s your daughter’s birthday and you send her a bloody text?! No wonder she doesn’t bother replying! Pick up the bloody phone.

I spoke to her mum about it who said she has her life established where she is and she doesn't like feeling pressured to come and visit me. Ridiculous, surely? Not ridiculous at all. You reap what you sow when it comes to relationships with children.

I am her father You might be her father, but when was the last time you acted like her dad?

Does anybody know how I can rekindle my relationship with her? Write to her. Admit that your failings and acknowledge you’ve let her down. Apologise. Realise and accept that it might be another ten years before she has any interest in building a relationship with you.

Spot on ^^

Erm can you maybe try to get to know her in a "cool way" ?
Take her to a concert every 2 months or art galleries or grown up restaurant and treat her as an "equal" . Teens love that stuff (obviously you are her dad but I do it she'll agree to being parented by you at this age) ... Take her indoor rock climbing or cart driving? Whatever she seems to be in and have a giggle

I keep reading this thread hoping that maybe I'm missing something. There are so many things wrong with this, and you're basically blaming your daughter whether you mean to or not.

You honestly can't understand why you two aren't as close as you'd like? You moved hours away, didn't consider her in it at all, and buggered off with your gf and put her needs above your child's. You told her she can come and visit whenever she wants, but that basically screams to her that you can't be bothered to make the effort to see her so it solely lies on her as to whether she sees you or not. I'm not surprised she's not that interested in you when you've basically put her needs and interests under everyone else's.

How often do you go down to see her, because going from your OP, it looks like 0 times in the last two years. You go on about her not trying enough but actually it seems she's the one who's done more if you haven't gone down there at all.

You are strangers to her because you've essentially made yourselves that. You were the one who should have build the relationship between her and her older brother if it was that important to you. You can't really blame her if she doesn't have one with him. You also seem a bit hostile towards her step family. This 'bloke' has been the one to pick up the pieces on your behalf. Same with her stepbrothers. They live with her and are the only brothers she knows. What do you expect?

If you want to make amends, and I suggest you do it quickly, open up to her. Ask her what she's into. Do you know her interests? Stop blaming everyone else, apologise, learn from her how to make things better, go down there on your own, take her out, and stop sending texts on her birthday. I really hope that's after a card and present has been sent to her.