Teenage daughter doesn’t want to see me

[stev09er]

Me and her mother never had a proper relationship, it was a casual thing that resulted in a baby. Despite the circumstances my daughter I have always tried to be involved with my daughter I love her very much. For the first 10 years of her life I only got her every other weekend, didn't get her overnight at all for the first 2 years as her mum always had excuses. Her mum has been with another bloke for a few years now and I felt my daughter begin to disassociate from me around the time they got together. She doesn't call him dad but she refers to this blokes 2 sons as her "brothers" and seems fairly close to them. They all live together now. She has a 2 year old sister through me and my girlfriend who she has literally met a handful of times. I also have an adult son from a marriage years ago who again, she has never had any kind of relationship with. I don't blame her as she is a child but it baffles me.

When my daughter turned 12 I met somebody, and after a year we moved in together. She is from a city 2 hours away and we moved up there as my girlfriend was missing her family. We are now engaged with our 2 year old. I expect to be slated for moving away but I told my daughter she was more than welcome to visit and time and I'd pick her up and be there for her. My daughter is now almost 16 and she's only ever had 3 visits, usually after a row with her mum.

During the visits she spends the entire time on her phone, refusing to engage with me, my fiancee, or her little sister. She always has a face on her and won't make conversation with any of us. I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected.

I send her happy birthday texts and other texts occasionally to see how she is doing and she never replies. I spoke to her mum about it who said she has her life established where she is and she doesn't like feeling pressured to come and visit me. Ridiculous, surely? I am her father. I don’t pressure her, I tell her it would be lovely to see her.

Does anybody know how I can rekindle my relationship with her?

i would go visit her on your own.show her your coming back for her.and always will.let her show you her turf.let her feel safe in her own surrounding and that your stepping out of yours to be with her.
could you ask if you ould come down.take her out to a movie or emal and hrismtas shopping.
is there anything shes been after.a phone,a new coat or clothes etc tha tyou could go an help her get.
is there any tourist bits near where she lives tha tyou could ask her to take you to.

Your atittude seems off.

only got her every other weekend, didn't get her overnight at all for the first 2 years as her mum always had excuses. That's normal with babies.

And you say "She calls this bloke's son's her "brothers" as though that's ridiculous ...she lives with them!

I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected.

Well at least you know how she feels. You picked a new life over her. Of course she feels rejected, replaced, disposable. She has no reason to trust you, she is protecting herself by cutting you out so you can't reject her and hurt her again.

Op, you sound like you've barely made any effort to understand or build a real bond with her for 16 years, look back at your post! It's all about you, what you think she should do, how she should act etc.

It sounds like you've got an extremely fragmented family dynamic and don't really know your daughter.

It's quite late to establish it now but not impossible. Think of it like a bank.. you expect to withdraw on an account that you should have been trickling effort into slowly and reliability for years. A big bang effort like a shopping trip, as some suggested here, will feel too little too late to most teens; she'll see through it and it may just be seen as trying to buy her affection.

Sorry.

I say this as someone who no longer speaks to my father: he provided for basic material needs as I grew but never made any effort emotionally, we never bonded and I honestly don't think he ever knew me.

Ask yourself:
What does your daughter like to eat? What foods can't she stand?
What are her hobbies?
Does she like her room, does she want to decorate it in different colours?
Is she excited about driving soon?
What does her social circle look like - one or two close friends or a large loose group?

Basically, what does her life look like and how can you help her at this difficult age?

You need to be spending time with her on her own, not trying to integrate her into your new family. She feels rejected, and has quite frankly made her own life. To be blunt, I was your daughter, my dad too sent infrequent texts and the odd birthday card, playing lip service to being a parent. I am now no contact with him. He has a son I don't see either. If you want a relationship with her, you need to be working harder yourself and take yo new family out of the equation- it is not her family. You are her family and until you rebuild that, she honestly won't care what baggage you come with. If she's content with her life she will have made the best of an infrequent dad and unfortunately learnt to not need/rely on you. I don't deliberately mean to be harsh, but you have put an awful lot on her shoulders.

You write a bit as though you think your daughter owes you something. She doesn't really, especially not at 16 when you've moved away and (from the information given) you've not visited her. Its lovely she refers to her step brothers as brothers and it's not that that has damaged your relationship with her.
Sounds like your relationship is not that close and its lovely that you'd like it to be but that will take time, effort and small steps. And when you're building that relationship remind yourself that she doesn't owe you a relationship just because you're her (largely absent) father.

I also have an adult son from a marriage years ago who again, she has never had any kind of relationship with. I don't blame her as she is a child but it baffles me

Why baffled? What effort did you put in to building their relationship together when they were both younger? What relationship does your son have with the two year old, or does he baffle you too?

You moved two hours away and her mum's partner and his kids live in the home, they have formed a family unit now, they are there all day every day, probably winding each other up, fighting, falling out and being fiercely loyal to one another if anyone outside of that unit hurts any of them. It takes time and effort to build close relationships, not a text on her birthday and other odd occasions when convenient.

She didn't choose this multifamily thing but shes having to balance it while her parents move on with their new lives - its an unintentional side effect of your relationships

She's already had a new family forced upon her by her mum and you've got one too.
She might have umpteen grandparent figures, parents, uncles and aunts who are all lovingly wanting to be involved in her life, it must feel constant. Id shut down and hide in my room too, then feel guilty for it and hide some more, be told off for sulking and be sent to my room, then everyone would want to have a go at comforting me and id feel smothered, avoid them and hide in my room - my own little world would be a pretty safe place.

You need to go to her, regularly and often - just you, without your baggage (they are your family but they arent really her family yet)

Once you've got a relationship with her which could take months, then ask her if she wants to be more involved with your family, bring the younger sibling down for one of your outings, or your girlfriend, maybe invite her for a weekend trip - do small things often

You're on your third family unit. If you're close to your son, maybe try using some of your strategies from that relationship to help repair the relationship with your teen?

This is partly her age, teens naturally prefer to spend time with friends/peers than with family, perfectly natural part of development, of them becoming adults.

However, I wonder also how proactive you’ve been about arranging visits and how much effort you put in to making her feel welcome? Do you do things when she’s there that are things she’s interested in? Do you get in food/drink/snacks she likes? Does she have her own room at your home? Do you only contact her about seeing her?

I am going off my own ex being pretty useless, he hasn’t seen Dd in years because he will not make the effort to make definite arrangements (I used to bend over backwards to make AND pay for arrangements inc nagging him to book leave! Circumstances and Dd wanting to know her dad was genuinely interested in seeing her led to where we are now), there were also many issues with her needs not being met when she did visit him and wife 2, including not giving her enough to eat. He never used to phone or message her in between visits either.

BUT he tells people I turned Dd against him, stopped her seeing him and had too high expectations of how he cared for her!

But also the experience of hearing and reading of many others experiences.

When you text her etc, are you asking generic questions like “how are you?” Or are you working at maintaining a relationship by asking her questions based on what you know of her life?

Eg “how did that maths test go I know you were worried about it?”

“Was that film any good then? Was it funny?”

Are you in touch on sm? Able to share jokes and interests?

Do you do things just the 2 of you? Like go and see a film, go to McDonald’s or similar or go bowling or anything?

Teens need just as much if not more support as younger children, but it can seem harder to reach them. But you’re the adult and it’s on you to make the effort to steer your relationship through these difficult years. Any distance created now will only widen once she’s at uni/working full time and going away with friends/boyfriends at weekends etc

Why is it all about you? You should have made some effort to go see her without your new family. It's too little too late it seems. How do you think she felt when you moved away? You obviously didn't have your priorities straight and are suffering the consequences.

You’ve prioritised your needs over hers so it’s understandable why she’s not that bothered. I agree with the suggestions of showing more interest and putting more effort in.

Mine is a similar age & behaves in a very similar way, we hardly see her these days & she lives with us. She snarls & eye rolls more than she speaks & like yours is glued to her phone & will put herself out for nobody.

Unfortunately she's behaving like a typical teenage girl & with teen FOMO & the distance too, it's easy for you to take it personally, but I doubt that much, if any of it is. It's smarts at times, even when you live with them.

We've seen friends go through similar & lose contact with DDs for a few years as the girls just lost interest in family stuff during the worst of their teens. 1 of those girls now lives with her dad, the other sees him all the time again & they get on great. Give her time, keep up what your are doing, but without the teenage eye view of pressure to visit. She will come round again, they all do

Will NOT put herself

A birthday text?! Presumably thats on the morning of her birthday, and by this point she has already received a card and present from her father?

How often do you suggest days out with her that she would like?

Does she have a room at yours? That’s done out the way she likes?

You seem annoyed your dd16 does not have the relationships and closeness you would like her to have.
You move 2 hours away with only 3 visits in 2 years.
You are jelaous she calls the partner's son's "brothers"

You are putting a lot of expectations on a teenager. Scale down and try to have a one on one relationship with her, without your gf and dd2.

She prob just wants to spend time with her mates. Is it possible that her mum would let you stay over now and then? Otherwise a travelodge? You need to put in the effort really as you're the adult. Don't give up and eventually she'll realise that you care. Actions speak louder than words.

she spends the entire time on her phone, refusing to engage with me, my fiancee, or her little sister. She always has a face on her and won't make conversation with any of us. I find it very hurtful as I always try and make the effort with her and I feel rejected.

I don't know how much contact you have with other teenagers but that pretty much describes the way both my daughters act most of the time round the house. Sounds pretty normal to me.

You moved away when she was 13. You prioritised your new girlfriend’s feelings over hers.

The level of effort you make with her is pathetic.

Take a long hard look at yourself.

Get an air bnb in her area once a month so you can spend time with her?

Have you paid maintenance all these years, put savings away for her when she's older? Birthday and Xmas presents? Her mother has saved you thousands by doing the donkey work for 16 years, despite the fact as 'her father' she's 50% your responsibility . Like man you men, you seem to talk a good talk.

You need to visit her. Say "are you free on saturday? Would you like to go to x, just the two of us?"

You've had another child and moved away then just said "oh visit when you want".
That's a lot to put on to a child and you need to remind her that she's still important to you. You need to be a dad and make the effort.

You need to read your post as if your reading a stranger writing on mumsnet try and look at things from her point of view

By the way they ARE her brothers just as much as your daughter is her sister

So you hot 3 dc to 3 different women. It wasnt up to her to foster the relationship with your eldest child you should have encouraged that. You moved away and out the needs of you're new gf and child and above you're dd. Its pretty clear you left her down. What type of gf demands you move away from.youre child?