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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to give my ex partner 15k

64 replies

Sima1415 · 13/11/2019 18:29

Please help up until recently i was in a domestic abusive relationship for 13 years we have now split 6 months ago and i have said in the family home with our two DS's who are aged 5 and 4. Today i have secured a new mortgage to pay him out The mortgage is in my name only but as we both paid towards the deposit and general living over the last 6 years i said i would i have been told by everyone i know not to give him anything as its his childrens home but i feel this is the final old he has and i want to feel 100%free. We paid 100000for the house and its now worth 135000. I have just txted to say i have had the mortgage accepted so will have 15k and hes gone mental down the phone apparently I'm ripping him off and he'll kill me if i try to rip him off AIBU TO THINK ITS FAIR.. he hasnt contributed towards the mortgage or the DS's since he left back on may?? So i dont imagine he will in future either

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 13/11/2019 18:36

If his name isn't on anything don't give him a penny and report his death threats to the police asap

Duchessgummybuns · 13/11/2019 18:42

Don’t give him anything, what’s to stop him keep coming back for more? You owe him nothing and should report his threats to the police.

Mummyshark2019 · 13/11/2019 18:43

Struggling to understand. If the house is joint name and he paid a deposit then yes, he would be entitled to some money if you were to buy him out.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 13/11/2019 18:48

15k is a bloody good offer and he should've snapped your hand off tell him you'll not give him a penny and he can go to a solicitor if he thinks he's being ripped off.

katielilly · 13/11/2019 18:50

^
Presumably he was on the original mortgage for 6 years? Was the original mortgage a joint one? What proportion of the deposit did you both pay and how did you arrive at £15k for a settlement figure?
Is there a solicitor involved?

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 18:50

Get some legal advice!

lyingwanker · 13/11/2019 18:51

What deposit did you put down and how much did each of you contribute if it wasn't a joint effort?

shiningstar2 · 13/11/2019 18:51

Get a good solicitor asap. You can get advice in a half hour appointment free. Make sure you choose one who specializes in divorce and all its issues. Check they are doing the half hour free before you make the appointment. Don't hand any money over until you have received specialist advice. Hopefully you can pay the solicitor from what you save by not giving him all of this £15000. But keep careful track of what is being charged op. It can mount up quickly and cancel out any financial gains If you don't keep careful track. Good luck.

Howyiz · 13/11/2019 18:51

You paid 100,000 it has risen in value by 35,000.
How much of a mortgage did you originally get and how much is outstanding on the original mortgage.

lynzpynz · 13/11/2019 18:53

Yeah, restraining order, no cash for aggressive threatening to kill you ex and let him come after you legally if he wants then he'll get what's due (nothing I suspect and certainly less than 15k if anything!). Get child visitation etc done with mutual handover person etc, just keep away from him he sounds not safe to be around don't risk it no matter what he says. Sounds like you're well shot of him!

Original poster
Sima1415 · 13/11/2019 18:57

Basically when we went for a joint mortgage at the beginning it fell through due to him being self employed so we argeed to get it in my name we both paid 50/50 to the 10k deposit and have lived here up until 6 months ago. I will go and get legal adivce before i hand over any money. I think this is a good offer for his share esp as it means i can stay in the home with the children where they are settled

OP posts:
delivereeee · 13/11/2019 19:01

Bloody hell. My absolute max would be the 5k he put in. He's in the same place he was where he started then. The costs he contributed will have been no more than had he rented somewhere and he was the one that couldn't get a mortgage. Without you renting would've been his only option.

Put the kids first and keep the money.

katielilly · 13/11/2019 19:05

In those 6 years (aside from the last 6 months) did he pay half of the mortgage?
How much equity is there in the house now?

middlemuddle · 13/11/2019 19:08

I'd give him what he paid into the house only, just to shut him up. Then I'd get a restraining order

bridgetreilly · 13/11/2019 19:10

You need to cut all direct contact with him and report the threats to the police.

For the rest, it needs to be handled through a solicitor. Do NOT make any payments to him now.

Serendipity79 · 13/11/2019 19:12

The house is legally all yours. Morally you could offer him the £5k but he’s not entitled to more and you have to house the children

rosegoldivy · 13/11/2019 19:14

Fuck him. Give him his 5k back and tell him to fuck off.

Do not give the abusive bastard 15k. In fact why are you even discussing your finances with him. If he's your ex then it's absolutely none of his business.

Death threats straight to the police.

RandomMess · 13/11/2019 19:14

As you are housing the DC you would likely be awarded more than 50% of the equity had you been married anyway...

Is he paying you maintenance??

I wouldn't pay him anything without taking legal advice.

You may need that money to pay for court and legal fees to protect yourself..,

1Morewineplease · 13/11/2019 19:16

Please seek legal advice. If your partner is entitled to any money, legally, then your solicitor will be able to tell you exactly how much.
As to the death threats, not only should you tell your solicitor, you should call the police.
Good luck OP!

carly2803 · 13/11/2019 19:20

solicitor advice required,. do not give him any money!

at most after advice - i would give him his 5k and tell him piss off

GreatOne · 13/11/2019 19:23

Well done!
I finally got rid of DV husband, after being with him 13yrs too. Also got kids if same age, plus another older.
I would take the deposit amount and increase it property value and set it aside.
If he asks he can have it. If he never contributes to his kids, then I'd probably tell him I'm taking it out his money, kids arent cheap.

In my case, he's been out for 12months, what he sent has covered the cost of car (road tax and insurance) he uses. With tiny amount left over for kids. Yet to his mind he thinks that sending money infrequently is doing his part. The house never had his name on, he never paid a penny to deposit or mortgage repayments.
He's angry about some furnishing he did pay for. And I completely understand not wanting that constantly thrown at you. But I'll not be paying him for it.
I told him he can take them tho. But he's got nowhere to take them and he's too lazy to arrange removal company, so just says he's being nobel by leaving them for kids to use. He's a prick.

It might help you move on, but no need to make any quick decisions. Give yourself time to think what is best, as its a significant amount

Elieza · 13/11/2019 19:30

His half of the deposit plus half what the house has gone up in value by sounds fair.

JenniferM1989 · 13/11/2019 19:33

Oh god no, tell him to piss off and don't give him anything. He put in a mere £5k into the house and paid some bills, big deal. You'll probably have to fight tooth and nail all through your kids childhoods to get maintenance for a git like that so if I were you, don't give him anything. He was never on the mortgage, he has zero recourse

Original poster
Sima1415 · 13/11/2019 19:35

Thanks ladies Smile I am definitely seeking legal advice before i hand anything over so thats my next step just wanted to get other people opinions on the situation

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 13/11/2019 19:36

Why is he not chewing your hand off? He is getting 3 times the initial investment!! I know he would have paid costs over the last 6 years but he would have paid if he was renting.
Given the death threats I would get legal advise. Are you married? If not then I doubt he is entitled to any of it