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AIBU?

To be fed up?

81 replies

Magazian · 13/11/2019 10:56

I've been reading this site since I was pregnant but I've just signed up.

Me and boyfriend are young parents. I'm 19 and he's just turned 17. We have been together for nearly 2 years.

I gave birth nearly 3 weeks ago. Boyfriend kept my pregnancy a secret from his family until I was 5 months.

He is helpful and visits me and son every other day. Yesterday he told me that his mum has told him that I have to go to hers for Christmas so other family members can see son (they live abroad).

I'm fed up with her as she's also been saying that I forced boyfriend into being a dad. And she's told him that he should get full custody of son because im unfit to be a mum.

What should I do? 😞

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AmIThough · 13/11/2019 13:21

I personally think attacking OP about the age difference is unnecessary because what's much more important now is this little baby.

OP from what I've read I understand that you live alone with baby and BF lives with his mom, is that correct?

Are you happy with him?
Who do you want to be with at Xmas? Who does he want to be with at Xmas?

You don't have to travel abroad to see anyone if you don't want to. What's your financial situation? Could you even afford to travel?

You're an unfit mom but you're bringing up his child on your own? Pah!
He shouldn't just be 'helpful'. He should be there when he's not at college looking after his baby and allowing you to rest.

He needs to stand up to his mother because whether she likes it or not you have a child together now.

Is he on the birth certificate? (If you've registered the birth already)

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Passthecherrycoke · 13/11/2019 13:25

OP doesn’t have to travel abroad, the grandmother is local and the extended family visit at Xmas from abroad. The OP isn’t that clear.

Grandmother just wants the grandson and OP to come to get house for Xmas

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InsertFunnyUsername · 13/11/2019 13:26

Oh please, if my DPs DM said I was an unfit mother and DP should get full custody I wouldn't want to spend a minute with them at christmas. And you don't need to OP go see your family and arrange with your boyfriend when you 3 will be together.

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AmIThough · 13/11/2019 13:31

Oh I misread the abroad thing Smile

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Sarahandco · 13/11/2019 13:36

I wouldn't take your baby to another country while relations with your boyfriends family are not good. I have no idea what country you are talking about but there could be legal issues to consider.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 13:37

Yes I love on my own and he lives with his mum. I am happy with him.

His dad is supportive (he isn't with his mum).

Boyfriend is comes and visits every other week day and he has son for a few hours on a Saturday and on Saturday night he stays over and we spend all day Sunday together or we go and have lunch with his mum.

I haven't registered sons birth yet but we are going to on Friday and he will be on the birth certificate.

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Sarahandco · 13/11/2019 13:38

Oh! I read this all wrong sorry!

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AmIThough · 13/11/2019 13:50

What's your relationship with his mom like when you're face to face? Would you mind spending Xmas day with her?

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Jollitwiglet · 13/11/2019 13:52

I certainly wouldn't be spending any time of my Christmas day with a woman that called me an unfit mother and then demanded I visit them

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 14:06

It's ok face to face although as she always say that son is crying because he wants her or wants boyfriend to hold him or feed him.

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AmIThough · 13/11/2019 14:13

@Magazian she's an idiot. Next time she says that say "no he's crying because he's 3 weeks old in a big scary world and has no other way of communicating" and just keep reminding her of that!

Talk to BF about the fact he needs to stand up to her and defend you. It's time for him to grow up.

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krustykittens · 13/11/2019 14:15

OP, while I agree that it is best for your son and you to have a good relationship with your BF's family, that doesn't mean you should lie down and let them walk all over you. They have been awful to you and that means you don't want to spend Christmas with them this year. Start a dialogue, start building a relationship and maybe you will feel better about spending Christmas with them next year.

All those PP saying she should have used protection, she didn't get pregnant on her own. However, it does seem like she is raising this child on her own so I don't see how this boy's life has been ruined. If people choose to have sex, they have to accept the consequences and not blame others. Also, the legal age to have sex is there to protect children from adults. There is no will power to pursue a conviction against teenagers exploring their their sexuality with other teenagers. While kids can abuse other kids, there is nothing in OPs posts that indicate she is abusive. If he was scared to tell his family about the baby, perhaps they are the ones who are abusive?

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 14:32

He didn't want to tell them because he knew they would shout at him especially his mum.

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Aderyn19 · 13/11/2019 14:41

I'd hold off putting him on the birth certificate for a while. His mum sounds like the type to undermine you at every turn and threaten court action whenever you don't toe the line. Don't give away your power. If you bf turns into a decent father and does his share of childcare and bill paying, then you can add him later but as things stand he will do what his mum tells him to and his mum doesn't like you or respect you!

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FriedasCarLoad · 13/11/2019 14:51

Maybe your boyfriend could spend Christmas Day with you, and then the three of you could spend Boxing Day at his mother’s house?

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 15:17

He is helping and looking after son. And he is giving me some money (he works a few evenings a week).

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Aderyn19 · 13/11/2019 15:55

His mum cannot reasonably expect him to spend Christmas day at home when he has a child of his own elsewhere. I think you need to start asserting yourselves as a couple and as a family. I know he's young but he's a dad now and you want to be in a relationship with a man and not a boy.

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NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 13/11/2019 16:01

It's good that he's contributing to your sons upkeep.

I would also be reluctant to put his name on the birth certificate. As pp said, you could always add it later on. I think he needs to prove that he can step up and be a dad.

Does he intend to move in with you and baby or is he going to stay living with his mum? He may only be just 17, but he's a dad now and he needs to act like one.

Just remember sweets, that you hold all the cards here with regards to your son. You decide who gets to spend time with baby. In all honesty i think I'd spend Christmas with your own family this year, perhaps with boyfriend coming over for a while, then on boxing day I'd spend a couple of hours with boyfriends family. If his mum makes any disparaging remarks towards you then gather up baby and leave. You don't have to take it. And I'd tell boyfriend that too so he's prepared.

What about your own family? Have they been supportive? What do they think of your relationship?

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 16:03

His mum would still probably not be happy as she said I had to go to hers so then boyfriend would've been at home but saw son.

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NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 13/11/2019 16:08

Just because she said it doesn't mean it has to happen. Please don't let her walk all over you like this. You TELL her when it's convenient for you to go around, then if it's good for her too then all well and good, if not then they'll have to arrange another time.

You do not need to jump to her fiddle. It sounds like you might be a little scared of her? Do your parents have any kind of relationship with her at all?

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purpleboy · 13/11/2019 16:11

I imagine She thinks because your young she can intimidate you and boss you around. Don't let her, stand up for yourself. Your a mum now, you do what's best for you and your baby. Don't take her shit.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 16:19

Yes my own family has been supportive. I don't know what they think of the relationship. My mum used to think he was a bad influence because he used to misbehave at school etc. His mum used to be friends with my mum but not sure if she still is.

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PersephoneOP · 13/11/2019 16:43

@Thatagain Your views are so grossly outdated. Your precious baby boy had his life ruined by an evil girl who was crazy for a baby? That's laughable. If your son was so responsible about not becoming a father, why was he not using condoms? Please do not blame OP, or any girls for 'ruining' a boy's life simply because we are the ones that conceive.

If you decide to start having sex, you are risking getting someone pregnant and need to except that; especially if you are not using condoms and are only using one form of birth control! It is equal responsibility and equal accountability. Unless your son's partner literally said that she stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell him in order to get pregnant, you need to stop shaming her. And even is this was the case for your family personally, don't throw OP into the same boat when you don't even know her.

OP is two years older than her boyfriend, they had sex once he was legal age, and when they were both teenagers, not a minor and an adult. She did nothing illegal so what would she be reported for?

You sound like you're living in the 60's, in fact what you just said about your son being so amazing and having his bright future ripped away from him by an evil harlot is the exact excuse parents used in the 60's to societally cast a pregnant girl out and shield their son from taking moral and financial responsibility for the child he was 50% responsible for creating.

@Magazian do not listen to her, and in terms of what to do about Christmas, probably best not to go somewhere where adults are accusing you of being an unfit mother and acting like children themselves. Hopefully over time you boyfriend's mum will stop blaming you for the situation, and you can have a healthy relationship, give it time.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 17:07

I think I'll spend some of the day with my family and then boyfriend can come round if he wants to. And then boxing day he can take son to see his family.

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Spied · 13/11/2019 17:14

I'd be wary of having him on bc to be honest.
I'd certainly be telling her where to go!
She sees your son on YOUR terms.
See your family Christmas day.
Its your first year as a mum and you want to enjoy it and not feel uncomfortable.
Dad can come and visit but I'd be saying no to his mother.

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