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AIBU?

To be fed up?

81 replies

Magazian · 13/11/2019 10:56

I've been reading this site since I was pregnant but I've just signed up.

Me and boyfriend are young parents. I'm 19 and he's just turned 17. We have been together for nearly 2 years.

I gave birth nearly 3 weeks ago. Boyfriend kept my pregnancy a secret from his family until I was 5 months.

He is helpful and visits me and son every other day. Yesterday he told me that his mum has told him that I have to go to hers for Christmas so other family members can see son (they live abroad).

I'm fed up with her as she's also been saying that I forced boyfriend into being a dad. And she's told him that he should get full custody of son because im unfit to be a mum.

What should I do? 😞

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OlaEliza · 13/11/2019 11:59

Was the pregnancy planned?

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 12:04

They are all from here but his aunties and cousins moved. No the pregnancy wasn't planned.

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NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 13/11/2019 12:06

Magazian - you really don't have to justify yourself to posters who can't be arsed to read the full thread. They make it sound like you're some kind of predator when in fact you were both consrnting to sex and now have a child together.

To be honest, your bf sounds quite immature sadly. Have you got some good real life support? Do you still live with your parents?

I think what strikes me here is that the assumption seems to be that poor boys have been lead astray by promiscuous lolitas... when in fact they were more than willing to have sex, presumably without prtection and now have to face the consequences of this.

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Passthecherrycoke · 13/11/2019 12:07

Ah. I’ve misread the OP. The grandmother is in the U.K. (close to
Where you live?) but extended family from abroad are visiting her over Christmas and she wants them to meet your baby.

This is reasonable enough tbh, as there is no reason your boyfriend can’t have his baby with him for some of xmas. Whether or not you want to attend too is your decision really, is there a problem with you and the baby popping round for an hour or two? Do you see the grandmother much now? Has the grandmother seen your baby much?

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Passthecherrycoke · 13/11/2019 12:08

Of course he’s immature @NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy, He’s only 17

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ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 13/11/2019 12:08

If not legally you morally took advantage of a young lad. The fact he was frightened to tell his family until you 5 months says it all. The lad isnt even old enough to drink vote etc but hes going to be a parent. Surely you should be responsible to use protection. I wouldn't like you either. I dont blame his mother I think you would have ruined his life. I would say the same if someone older took advantage of my dd the same age.

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Aderyn19 · 13/11/2019 12:14

Hang on, he's still living at home with his mum. Hardly having his life ruined. It's the OP who has full time responsibility for a baby. She's two years older than him, not ten or twenty. She's barely an adult herself, so some posters really do need to get a grip here.

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ExtraFirmHold · 13/11/2019 12:15

OP, just to say to ignore the posters making out you're some kind of predator. Me and my dp we're around the same ages as you when we got together, and also had a baby a few years after we got together. We've been together for over ten years now, and no one's bats an eyelid that he's two years younger than me.

You don't have to go round for Xmas if you don't want to. But it wouldn't hurt to go round for a few hours. His mother will be in your child's life, if not yours, for a long time. He also has as much right to see the baby at Xmas as you do.

Maybe have a chat with him and tell him how his mother makes you feel, and that you need to know he'll be on your side if anything is said again.

I didn't have the best relationship with my mil for the first few years, twelve years later and we get on better than her and my DP. Things do work out sometimes. Anyone hopes their child doesn't have a child of their own so young and sometimes it can take time for people to realise that just because you've had a child young doesn't mean you're life and ambitions are done.

As much as you can try to be patient with his mum, but also stick up for yourself when you need to.. it's a fine line !!

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NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 13/11/2019 12:19

I have a fifteen year old son. He has a girlfiend the same age and they've been together for almost a year.

We speak openly about sex, relstionships etc. He knows that if he has unprotected sex then the nicest thing he could get from that is a baby. And that means that for the rest of his life he will be a parent. That for the rest of his life he will be responsible for another human being. For the rest of his life he will have a link to his girlfriend even if they aren't together anymore. He's aware that should he have unprotected sex then he will be responsible for the results. It's my job as a parent to have taught him that. He is then free to make ant decisions going forward fully aware of what the consequences could be. Of course I desperately hope that should he and his GF decide to have sex, they do so responsibly and use contraception, however if he doesn't he knows what the consequences could be and i would damn well make sure he stepped up.

If he's mature enough to be having sex then he's mature enough to face the consequences.

It's not all down to the OP here.

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MatildaTheCat · 13/11/2019 12:19

Of course you don’t go to them for Christmas.

I would try hard to keep a civil relationship with his family if possible. Suggest meeting with your baby in a neutral place so they can see him on a basis that suits you. Ask your boyfriend to remind them to be polite if they want this to be a regular thing.

Show them you are a good mother and try not to get into mud slinging arguments. They do no good and people remember for a long time. Unfortunately they will be upset and angry about the situation but it is what it is.

You are acting as if they have power over you. They really, really don’t. They will very probably want a relationship with your son and you hold all the cards. They are pleasant to you in order for this to be possible.

IME the outcomes for babies of very young parents are better when there is family support, if possible from both sides. It’s likely to take time so allow this. Slow steps towards building bridges and a clear understanding that everyone is acting in the best interest of your baby.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 12:22

No i dont still live with my parents.

Yes I see his mum sometimes if I go out to eat with boyfriend and his mum. And she sees son quite often aswell and boyfriend has him for a few hours on a Saturday so she sees him then.

Boyfriend didn't want to tell her until i. Was 5 months was because the pregnancy was unplanned.

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ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 13/11/2019 12:24

1Aderyn19 would be totally different if the sexes were reversed. Regardless if hes living at home, hes future now will change because of this pregnancy, his career choices etc.

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Allthecake89 · 13/11/2019 12:26

You honestly need to tell your partner that his mum is out of order saying he should have full custody. What are her reasons for this? Why is she saying that? If it's a pack of rubbish then why an earth would you want to go for Christmas with her.

You do Christmas your way. You are an adult and a mum now. You don't deserve to be treated like a naughty child. Sometimes parents will find it hard to see their teenage kids become parents so young. Speaking as someone in my early 30s I understand a parents worry now I'm a mum myself. I've also lived through some of my friends being young parents. Including my sister. They are all fantastic mums. Ironically it's the 49 year old dad of a five year old I know that's a lazy useless dad. So age is irrelevant.

Don't let people put you down. If you have been struggling then ask for help. It's ok not to be a perfect mum. It's ok not to be sure of everything. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. I have never had help with mine for parents etc. I've had to muddle through it with my partner. Some days are tiring and really hard. Especially when you are ill or tired. Have you got support elsewear? Sounds like his mum needs to treat you with more respect. Taking a baby from its mother is a very cruel thing to do unless the child wasn't being cared for properly

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Sallyseagull · 13/11/2019 12:28

I think OP is getting a hard time here.

OP - theres no way I would want to spend Christmas with someone who thinks so little of me and talks to me like that, I understand you also have your child to think of but your partners mum needs to know it isn't ok for her to treat the mother of her grandchild like that.

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Passthecherrycoke · 13/11/2019 12:29

So is it a problem visiting at Christmas for a few hours with baby? This seems perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. You don’t have to spend the whole period with them, obviously. Why would you?

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FairyBatman · 13/11/2019 12:30

@Thatagain

My son is 18 and a dad and older then your bf I am very disappointed with his gf as I know it was not his choice.

Why are you disappointed with the GF? If your son didn’t want to be a dad then he should have been responsible for his own contraception.

It’s a little sexist to blame the girlfriend, if your son was using condoms then his partner couldn’t have become pregnant.

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FairyBatman · 13/11/2019 12:34

@Magazian

You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone m, your partner is as much responsibile for the fact that you became pregnant as you are. He had contraceptive choices too.

Now that the baby is here you should stand up for yourself or his mum will walk all over you.

There’s a world of difference between inviting you to join them for Christmas and demanding that you have to come.

In the case of demanding I’d remind just politely tell her you have already have plans but you can see her on X day, or your BF can have baby from x-y time.

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ILoveYou3000 · 13/11/2019 12:40

@Thatagain has your son never heard of condoms? Oh no, silly me, contraception is obviously the woman's sole responsibility. An educated lad like your son should surely know all about protecting himself.

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Thatagain · 13/11/2019 12:43

I am more disappointed that he dropped out of his education. As he is a smart boy. That will not change. I've also told him to cover up lot's of times. He told me she was on the pill. And even went to the lengthsof sending me a pic of the box.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 12:50

I dont know why she's saying I'm an unfit mother and about him getting custody. He told me.

Boyfriend is going to see son over Christmas.

I am fed up because she said I had to go. I don't know if I will because i might spend time with my family.

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Icanflyhigh · 13/11/2019 12:50

To answer your question, no, YANBU to be fed up. I would be fed up too.
You go where YOU want to a Christmas, it's your first Christmas as a mum and if you are happier and more supported with your family, the that's where you should be. Equally, would you be happier spending Christmas at home with DC and BF? Just the 3 of you. There are no hard and fast rules about where you must spend it, you're an adult and you get to choose.
Be firm with your decision, invite family to see you if you wish, on your terms, at your house.
Make your first Christmas as a mum a happy one :-)

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Damntheman · 13/11/2019 13:01

OP you don't HAVE to do anything that his mother says. Particularly if she can't bring herself to be civil to the mother of her grandson. You don't need to explain yourself here, and you certainly don't need to do it to her either. If you're feeling kind then it would be nice to have his extended family meet the child, but she's got no right to be demanding it like you must.

So if you don't want to then don't. This is your first christmas with your baby! Do what makes you happiest.

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Magazian · 13/11/2019 13:12

Yes I would be happy if it was just the 3 of us but boyfriend would probably be with his family.

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Velveteenfruitbowl · 13/11/2019 13:18

@FairyBatman condoms do fail regularly

OP, while there may be reasons for his mother to be displeased with your behaviour she really doesn’t have any excuse for acting like a cow. If she wanted her grandchild to spend Christmas with her maybe she should have been nicer to the child’s mother mum 🤷‍♀️

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Aderyn19 · 13/11/2019 13:21

Grandparents and extended family have no automatic right of access to your baby. Your boyfriend's mum is no position to insist upon anything and I would be tempted to remind her of that!

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