To be annoyed at DH?

[BooFadley]

DH is an extrovert, very social with lots of friends. I'm not. If we go out, I want to leave after a couple of hours whilst he wants to stay out all night so we compromise, leaving both of us unhappy. We've settled on an arrangement that works for both of us; he goes out and I mostly stay at home.

At Xmas he has a longstanding dinner with an assortment of friends and, as it's Xmas, I attended but more recently it's whittled down to his two closest friends + partners.

The first year of this smaller group they did their gift exchanges after dinner. One friend got me a token gift but the other friend didn't; whilst the lack of a gift doesn't bother me per se, I found it a bit embarrassing and awkward so the next year I didn't go to the dinner because I didn't want to feel that way again. DH was fine with this and said it was a little odd that they hadn't got me a token gift. I don't socialise with them much throughout the year but I've known them 6+ years. As partners come and go, we always buy a token gift for them.

This year, we've already had the conversation that I won't be going to the dinner but he keeps bringing it up and we've now fallen out about it. Probs because I said his friend was rude but hey ho. I feel he has no care for my feelings at all; I'm a bit socially awkward at the best of times so really don't want to be singled out like that during the gift exchange nor have him tell them to buy me something.

AIBU to not want to sit through an encounter I find a bit mortifying?

YABU.

Make an effort to get to know them. How embarrassing for him is your behaviour?

It can't always be your way.

You probably didn't feel as awkward as they did.

What did you get for them?

They are his friends and while it would be nice for him to be accompanied by his wife if the others are with their partners it's not compulsory. If you're uncomfortable about being there don`t go, suggest you'd be a bit of a damper on the meeting and he'd be better on his own.

I've no idea what gift they had, it was a couple of years ago and DH bought them. He buys for his family and friends and I buy for mine but they come from both if us, that's how we've always done it as we have separate finances due to me having DC from a previous relationship.

Seems you're really really upset about not getting a token gift. You need to do you, and it doesn't matter if others find it a bit extreme or odd, but if you can't bear seeing them again because you didn't get a present then don't see them.

It's not the lack of gift that bothered me but the fact it was so bloody awkward as they went round in turns handing them out and watching them being opened. Had it been a big scrum it would have gone unnoticed.

The token gift I did get was worth about £2 and was perfect so it's really not about the gift.

As said, you need to do you. For most people this would be something immediately forgotten and no more than a very minor moment of awkwardness. It's not for you and you don't want to see them again because of it. It is what it is.

Why don't you ask him to clarify the gift situation beforehand so that removes the awkwardness around that. Or agree no gifts etc

I don’t see why someone you virtually never see not getting you a token present two years ago translates into annoyance with your DH.

But you clearly don’t think you’re blowing this way out of proportion, so you need to act as you see fit. To me it sounds as if you’re happy to have an excuse to drop out of even this once a year social occasion, as is of course your right.

But when you say he has no care for your feelings, you could easily flip that and say he’s accommodated your extreme introversion and preference for no social life at all, which is possibly not easy, especially if you also then act as if you’re doing him a favour by going out at all and/or pick apart minor issues at a social occasion for years afterwards.

Another way of looking at the gift incident is that it’s really nice that 50% of the other people there remembered a present for someone they must hardly ever see.

YANBU. I would have found that very awkward too. I think it was very mean of them to exclude you like that especially when the gift exchange is a big enough deal to have everyone watch each other open the gifts. They are his friends so he shouldn't feel bothered about you not being there. He should be comfortable enough in their company without you. He shouldn't make you put yourself in a situation that makes you feel this awkward and uncomfortable. He'll just have to tell his friends that you've got other plans that night and go alone.

Have you considered - or are you having - some kind of mental health help? You sound rather self-fixated, which isn't good for you, and not great for your marriage either. You may not mean any harm but if you keep on fussing and whining about your H's friends and making it more trouble than it's worth for him to spend time socialising... it's a bit of a passive-aggressive way of getting what you want, isn't it? He's made plenty of concessions already by the sound of it. And some people consider isolating a partner by constant moaning and sulking if the partner wants to have any kind of social life as at least borderline abusive.

The easiest thing would be to sort out that you’re all doing about presents before going. No awkwardness then.

"DH is an extrovert, very social with lots of friends. I'm not. If we go out, I want to leave after a couple of hours whilst he wants to stay out all night so we compromise, leaving both of us unhappy. We've settled on an arrangement that works for both of us; he goes out and I mostly stay at home."
I don't understand how you see that as a compromise. He does what he wants and you do what you want. Who has made any concessions?

Maybe the couple who didn't buy you a present felt mortified too? I know I would have done - and I would ensure that I bought you one next time. Don't let that one oversight put you off.

If I were you I would make more effort to socialise. I would also access pschological therapies to get help for my social anxiety rather than ignoring it.

I wouldn't want my DH to have the embarassment of always being alone among couples. Do you really think your DH is going to enjoy spending time going out without your company for ever? This will put a strain in your marriage unless you address it.

You need to go, it’s important to your DH, you need to support him and go out sometimes, maybe the other couple who didn’t buy for you thought you wouldn’t be there, didn’t know what to buy. You did get something although £2 is a bit cheap, that said you didn’t buy any so how can you complain. If you have separate bank accounts then you didn’t even contribute either so why complain.

I think you also need to go out a bit more with DH, you can get a taxi back when you’ve had enough and he can stay out, better than not going, or don’t drink and drive back after two hours, that’s what I would do.

I think you could make more effort

I think YABU.
It was awkward for you because you received one gift instead of two?

What about your DH who has to explain your absence without making you sound horrible?

It's once a year. Make the effort for him.

Why would they buy a gift for someone that never socialises with them? They aren’t friends with you because you don’t make any effort with them. I wouldn’t buy someone a gift if I never saw them, even if I’d known them for 20 years! Surely gifts are for close friends and family, not a friends spouse that you see once a year?

YABVU.

I’m sure you’re not however, your actions could be interpreted as being rude

But you didn't give them a gift, your husband gave them a gift and received one back? Why are they expected to buy two but not you?

I think it’s very unfair to introverts when people use being an introvert as an excuse for being incredibly rude.

I’d go if I was in your shoes. Make the effort with them and if they don’t get your a gift then so be it. You could ensure you get everyone w token gift so the awkwardness is put on the receiver of the gift for not getting you a gift m, but I’d go as I wouldn’t like to be your husband at the dinner table and feel like everyone was secretly wondering where my partner was on the second year running.

I get you op, I'm an introvert too. With that comes a little social anxiety and the no gift and being on the spot must have felt even worse to you. I think it was highly rude of them to not have got anything for you as you are their friends wife and not some random gf.
They seem to consider just your dh as their friend, let them carry on. I wouldnt be happy to attend either. but I would be more upset at your dh not addressing that as well as him expecting you to do it again.
FWIW previous relationships for me always failed down to the extro/intro clash. My dh is an introvert just like me and life is so easy.

Ha. I would of said. ‘You didn’t get me a gift! And I spent a whole £3 on you! Cor, the cheek!’

And then burst out laughing and all would of been forgotten.

“ hey seem to consider just your dh as their friend,“

Why wouldn't they?

You need to try harder. It's one meal at Christmas. They probably didnt get you anything because most of the time you don't turn up. The gift thing can be dealt with in advance by DH. It's fine to be introverted and not want to regularly be out of your comfort zone, but sometimes you have to make an effort for something that is important to your partner