To be annoyed at DH?

[BooFadley]

DH is an extrovert, very social with lots of friends. I'm not. If we go out, I want to leave after a couple of hours whilst he wants to stay out all night so we compromise, leaving both of us unhappy. We've settled on an arrangement that works for both of us; he goes out and I mostly stay at home.

At Xmas he has a longstanding dinner with an assortment of friends and, as it's Xmas, I attended but more recently it's whittled down to his two closest friends + partners.

The first year of this smaller group they did their gift exchanges after dinner. One friend got me a token gift but the other friend didn't; whilst the lack of a gift doesn't bother me per se, I found it a bit embarrassing and awkward so the next year I didn't go to the dinner because I didn't want to feel that way again. DH was fine with this and said it was a little odd that they hadn't got me a token gift. I don't socialise with them much throughout the year but I've known them 6+ years. As partners come and go, we always buy a token gift for them.

This year, we've already had the conversation that I won't be going to the dinner but he keeps bringing it up and we've now fallen out about it. Probs because I said his friend was rude but hey ho. I feel he has no care for my feelings at all; I'm a bit socially awkward at the best of times so really don't want to be singled out like that during the gift exchange nor have him tell them to buy me something.

AIBU to not want to sit through an encounter I find a bit mortifying?

Sorry, but once a year, in support if your DP, YABVU

You seem to have similar dynamics to us, I don't go out often, partly due to health issues & partly because I cba & like to have the house to myself. DH rarely complains, but if he wanted me to show my face in support of him, or even just a couples meal like you describe I would make the effort as I know he would & has done for me

The short answer here is that YABU under normal circumstances, the answers are as close to unanimous as you'll get on AIBU.

However I think it runs deeper than this. It sounds like its more than just not fancying the dinner, and that you may have a mental health issue that needs addressing. If this is the case you will need support and understanding from your DH with is.

What.. you don't get them or their partner a gift (your partner who you don't share finances with put your name on a gift you don't even know what it was but you expect a gift from them? .... These people who you avoid having to socialise with unless you absolutely have to? Then you called his friend rude and held it against him not just one year but two?

Come on. Be less socially awkward. You can learn if you make an effort, I've done it. Show up once a year to the meal, make polite small talk, take an interest in what DH is buying partners from you both, and have some grace - it really truly doesn't matter if you get a token gift or not.

You sound like you expect the world to bend and twist so you get to not feel "awkward".

The gift thing is ridiculous. You are being very unreasonable about this. If you don't want to go, don't go. But don't use this as an excuse.
The thing that I find more odd is that You buy for your family and friends and he buys for his because you have a child.
Surely when you got married you became part of each others family and you and DH and your child are a family in your own right.
Do you not give your child presents from both of you ? Your DH is your child's stepfather.

Maybe they didn't expect you to be there.

If you want presents, you need to make the effort to get to know them and see them throughout the year.

Your attitude to all this is just odd imo.

Yabu. Put some bloody effort in and go socialise with his friends. I couldn't be married to someone who never socialised with my friends

Someone misunderstood the compromise part. If we go out and I've had enough after a couple of hours but DH wants to stay, say 7 hours, we'll end up splitting the difference but then we're both unhappy. Me at having to stay hours and him at having to leave sooner than he wanted.

at the MH issues, MN likes a bandwagon. Being an introvert doesn't equate to having a MH issue!

Obviously there are other factors at play e.g. DH's friend has a much younger wife and I'm older than DH so I'm 20 years older than her. We have nothing in common so I choose not to spend my limited spare time socialising with them.

Anyway, I'm clearly BU and need to suck it up.

YABU. I think for one night a year you can bear to feel socially awkward. This is clearly somewhat important to your DH if it's causing a tiff and from his perspective it probably seems like you dislike his friends for no good reason. We attend an annual meet up for my DP friends, it's a weekend stay over situation. Do I want to go every year! No, it's full of drunk cringey men by the evening and the partners aren't the usual type of women I'd choose to socialise with. But do I go? Yes. Do I make every effort to try and socialise and get to know people who have very little in common with me? Yes. Because it's important to my DP. I spend the entire weekend feeling awkward because it's once a year and my DP enjoys himself. I think for his sake you can and should go.

Just seen your recent post, I understand the age thing that's my problem with our event except I'm the younger one. You never know, she may be feeling the same. Glad you're going to go.

YABU imo, his friends probably didn't even know if you were coming or not. I think you should make a bit more effort if you want to be considered part of the group tbh

@NarcolepticOuchMouse I'm the young one too (and when I first met DP's friends I was 18 and they all had kids) but i never felt like the odd one out. Can I ask why you find it difficult?

I expect when they were discussing buying the gifts there was a conversation along the lines of “do you think we need to get something for BooFadley?”, “Nah, I bet she won’t even bother to turn up anyway, she rarely does.” Hence no gift for you. Even so, it’s hardly the most awkward moment of the century.

Agree with the previous poster who finds if irritating that behaviour like this gets lumped in with introversion. Plenty of introverts are sociable, jolly, talkative and confident (I’m one of them) - they just need some time to themselves to wind down and recharge afterwards. Being awkward, standoffish and preferring not to join in with social interaction isn’t the same thing. I appreciate you must be very shy and socially awkward and that socialising doesn’t come naturally to you, but to your DH’s friends you probably just come across as rude and as though you don’t like them when you won’t even turn up to a gathering with them that happens once or twice a year.

YABU - it was a token gift 2 years ago. Do you think everyone else is agonising over it?

I'm a bit unclear as to why you and DH have to leave events at the same time? 'Splitting the difference' means no one is happy. You leave when you want to, he leaves when he wants to. As for the token non gift - you're fixating waaaay too much Imo

I'm a bit unclear as to why you and DH have to leave events at the same time?

This.
Next time, try:
I'm a bit tired guys so I'll head off.
I'll leave the door on the latch, Trevor. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

@AmIThough it's mostly because we have very different ambitions and values. I'm able to see why they find joy and fulfillment from their choices but they can't seem to extend the same courtesy. I'm not very family oriented, I enjoy spending time with kids but I don't think I'm going to have any of my own, I also don't feel like getting engaged and having a wedding is the pinnacle of my life's achievements. The women there do and have more traditional ideals. Although I'm mid-twenties now I'm still in education and so the life of a student (albeit a rather tame and sensible one) is very different from that of a full time working mother. I feel I can see and appreciate their perspectives but I don't think they can mine, and once they found out I was a fair few years younger they started showing a lot less interest in getting to know me. I'm the kind of person that tries to get on with everyone, but feeling unwelcome to the women's circle, I now mostly socialise with the men which seems to have made it worse. I get on much better with the men, I seem to have more in common with them and have more shared interests. I'm not inclined to arrogance but my DP has suggested perhaps the women see me as a threat which I find really frustrating as I made every effort to fit in with them. All in all, quite a trying experience.

So you don't bother to make an effort with his friends, but still expect a present at Christmas? Why?

As for going out, why not go together and just leave separately?

You sound really, really hard work. You don't appear to want to make any sort of effort with his friends. The age thing is just an excuse. I have numerous friends 20 years younger (and conversely 20 years older). To use that as an excuse is pathetic.
As is not getting a crappy gift 2 years ago. No wonder your DH is pissed off

There's no way I'd be leaving a good night out because my DP was a miserable arse. If you want to leave that's fair enough but I don't see why he should have to cut his night short. Just sounds like you two are really incompatible

"One friend got me a token gift but the other friend didn't; whilst the lack of a gift doesn't bother me per se, I found it a bit embarrassing and awkward so the next year I didn't go to the dinner because I didn't want to feel that way again."

Are you 12? Jesus, OP... You sound like hard work. Why would they get you a gift when you're not really their friend? Maybe if you'd made more of an effort in the past to be more sociable things would be different. You honestly couldn't slap a fake smile on and stay out late once in a while and pretend to enjoy it for your DHs sake? Surely he would've done the same in return and left earlier a few times if you had.

YABU, it's not a big deal, you're making it one because you don't want to go. Relationships involve compromise. I'd hate it if my DH wouldn't go to anything involving my friends, just sit through dinner and try to make the effort.

Your comments about leaving together are just plain daft

Why on earth can't you get a cab home when you've had enough & leave DH to it like the rest of us do

Can’t bear it when people think they are better/:more interesting/cooler than other people. Especially when it’s a woman who discovers (surprise surprise) that the men are better/more interesting/cooler than the other women.......

I think you need to make more effort. It's only once a year. It's nice that your DH wants to spend time with you with his friends.

And I don't get why you have to leave at the same time either on every other occasion. I've gone home before my DH on social occasions, there no need to drag him home as well if he's having a good time.