Holiday plan - friend being generous or taking the piss?

[Chet326]

Every few years we have a university reunion where a few of us get together, whoever can make it at the time as we live all across Europe. We are all blokes, in our late 30s now.

This time around, while discussing a destination to meet up (eg, London, or another city in Europe where one of us lives or would be fun for two or three days visit ) a certain friend in, let’s say, Italy, leads off with “hey, why don’t you all come over to my place, I can put you all up and we’ve got a great beach, weather etc”. Problem is last time he hosted the meet up, which was about eight years, here’s what happened: Me and friend B, both travelling to Italy, contact him a few days before start date to say, “hows it going! so what’s the arrangement when me and friend (both travelled from England) get to airport in Italy?” Friend: “oh shit, I’d totally forgotten you guys were coming! I’ve got a lot of shit on work wise right now, but I’ll definitely make some time for you guys”. Proceeded to have half decent holiday with other friend, while friend in Italy drifted in and out of activities, took us around a couple of sites, had a a few beers and laughs, but was fairly distracted half the time with his work (of course me and other friend had put all our own work on hold, as this was meant to be a holiday). I think friend in Italy considers himself a pretty good host, and to be fair if it was a “i want to check out Italy, could you put me up for a couple of days?” I’d say he was decent enough. But that, obviously I would have thought, was not the idea. It’s not about being “hosted” by him, but rather having a great time together totally free from other commitments for a couple of days. What happened last time pissed me off somewhat. And on top of that, it pissed me off that he asked us to chip in €20 for petrol while we were there, seemingly oblivious to the fact that me and friend B and had forked out €100 for flights for what was meant to be Our (capital O) holiday.

This time around I’d be happy for them to come to my city, or to travel to his city again, or somewhere else, but I would expect everyone to drop all their work commitments for a couple of days. Of course I wouldn’t object to anyone seeing or Skyping family briefly during the day/at night, but certainly no work commitments . That, for me, is a holiday/meetup. The last time around was about eight years ago, but I have a feeling he’s still somewhat self-absorbed and I can foresee a repeat. At the same time I don’t know how to say nicely “nah, rather not stay with you” and don’t want to blow off the whole thing...What dya reckon?

Just set up a WhatsApp session to talk and then ask " sounds good but can you get time off work to spend it with us?"

It might be easier to go somewhere neutral.

Can't you just be like "Mate have you booked some time off work this time? it seemed a bit hectic last time for you & I want us all to relax & have a good time!" "smiley smiley" etc....

.. Also it's a bit shit to expect everyone to pay flights/travel expenses/drinks when they are there and he doesn't have to fork out much. I get that he's offering free accommodation though.

If it was me & I had the cash I'd want to visit somewhere completely new.

Just be honest. Say “sounds good but last time you were stacked up with work commitments and it was all a bit rushed. Are you taking holiday this time? Maybe if work stuff is an issue let’s just go somewhere easier then you don’t have the stress of work and hosting. I quite fancied going somewhere a bit different this year? How about Barcelona. Then nobody has the stress of hosting. I found this cool apartment” then send a link. Doesn’t have to be a drama.

OP- I'd take him up on the offer but would def make a sly little dig i.e - "so will you write it in your diary in CAPS this time so you don't forget we are coming hahah etc.

Also re. petrol- yes you forked our for flights but you also had totally free accommodation and I assume- he was giving you lifts? So IMO you should have offered today for petrol/groceries etc not been asked. While you paid flight cost and he didn't have too-its a lot of hassle having house guests - prepping rooms before they come/getting in extra food and tidying after leaving. So this definitely evens things up for me.

You sound a bit intense.

Hi OP, sounds to me like a classic case of misaligned expectations (and maybe poor communication?) from the start. You and your friend had expectations of one thing, your other friend who you arranged to stay with had different expectations. I'd put that trip down to experience. This time around PP suggestion of a neutral venue is a good idea. And make sure you're all aware of what each other's expectations are for the trip so none of you are disappointed. If one of you can't 'check out' of work/family life for the duration, knowing that beforehand is useful so you can plan around it. WhatsApp group to make plans would be a good idea.

While you paid flight cost and he didn't have too-its a lot of hassle having house guests - prepping rooms before they come/getting in extra food and tidying after leaving. So this definitely evens things up for me.
Which is why I’d have prefered to stay somewhere neutral in a hotel or laid acooodation - but he was pretty keen on not doing that and on us getting flights to stay with him. Personally, if i am encouraging a good mate or relative to take time off work and book flights so we can hang for a couple of days I’d find it bizarre to ask them for petrol money for a bit of driving. But I know everyone’s different.

Yes he should have booked time off work, he probably didn't think he needed to as he could see you after work?

That's not how most people would define a holiday, surely?

Dude, you flew to Italy and had a nice time, you didn't trek through the Himalayas to get to your friend who then told you to feck off. Chill.

Why were you annoyed that he asked for petrol money? Why are you annoyed that you had to pay for "your" holiday? Are you not aware of the fact that - indeed - most people have to pay to go on holiday? And your friend inviting you to stay with him doesn't mean he's also your personal taxi service?

You actually sound quite entitled, tbh.

@sunshineAngel
Way to miss the point.

@Chet326 No, it's not missing the point. You're never going to be able to decide where to go on holiday/be happy with your choice unless you have realistic expectations. And as I said, you sound a bit entitled and grabby. Many others agree!

It could be that he has quite a demanding job and when home struggles to disconnect from it.

I would suggest saying to him that it would be better to go away, allow us all to disconnect and be there fully with each other. Maybe this will be the thing he actually needs but does not do for himself as he is too concerned about work/ other commitments. Sometimes it takes a friend to push these thing ;). It also means that the strain is not on one person to 'entertain' the others.

Do not bring up the previous situation, no point dredging up dead corpses, all it brings is resentment!

@sunshine I am not "entitled" (this word is really lazy and overused on mumsnet I think!). I disagree with person X - he/she is ENTITLED!!!

And I think generally these threads work better when people don't start assigning adjectives to people they don't know the first thing about. Try instead "saying/doing XYZ sounds a bit...( please insert any other word here besides entitled) in my opinion".

Also please make sure you have read and fully understood what has been previously posted. Better still why not try to keep the tone of your points constructive rather than judgemental.

not holding it against at all,

Here's the thing. It sounds like you ARE holding it against Friend C

8 years have passed and you are STILL wary

If Friend C puts work first again, just have a great time with Friend B

Italy is a fabulous country. Learn to enjoy yourself when things don't go EXACTLY as you want them to

Holding something not particularly bad against a "friend" for 8 eight years sounds a bit totally entitled self absorbed and petty.

Perhaps you ought to let it go.

There does that fit your criteria of a response that works best. Is is constructive enough for you? Or have i fallen foul of your criteria of how a proper response should constructed? (Rather like how your friend had fallen foul of your ideas of how a proper reunion should be conducted.

In real life theres no right or wrong way. noone cares. As long as everyone had a goods time and some spent time together.

@VolcanionSteamArtillery

Have you had meet up's in the meantime, as you say every few years, if so what city were they in ie yours friend b etc, will there be more than the three of you..there may be oppertunity to say well we did italy we did x, how about y or z at its central to us all, has cheap flights etc.

I have an aquaintance like this, always gets us to change plans to basically suit them not talking time off, and we simply dont do it now after too many get togethers spent sitting in their house watching crap tv while they just popped into work for a few hours, and take all day, and as they live on outskirts of city we spend more on transport than had we stayed in a cheap central hotel. They have even done it for dinners arrived 4 hours later than planned so they didnt have to take time off work- despite others travelling a couple of hours to meet up in thier city.

i agree with you about petrol money its odd after everyone else had flights to pay for you drive your guests around especially as it wasnt say you arrive and then all drive together to another location, if you want to invite guests you look after them. then normal in my opinion is guest treat host to a dinner or something.

@VolcanionSteamArtillery you seem to have wanted to start a fight from your very first post on this thread even though the OG poster has addressed your comments. Let it go!

BTW, shady is not constructive!

Having issues with a friend 8 years down the line when a similar situation may reoccur is reasonable. Chet probably should have mentioned his grievance at the time granted however we can all be guilty of letting things slide for the greater peace.

"Hello C. Thanks so much for offering for us all to stay at yours. I was thinking it would be less hassle for everyone if we stayed at a hotel or Airbnb, and then no one has to play host, or have all the pre-holiday prep and clearing up at the end. I quite fancy going to X, as we've never been there before. What do you think?"

@volcanion
Petty and self absorbed I can live with. Just don’t use “entitled” - it makes me think of all those gift vouchers I never finished spending and all the cool promotions I missed because I didn’t fill out the forms.

YANBU I think, I would suggest another destination instead and I'd probably tell him why as well if he asked

@Finn10
It’s fine. Id expect some fiery responses from someone named “Volcanion Steam Artillery”. I think I will perhaps “let it go” as she/he suggests!!

I don't get the grievance about the petrol money. He was putting you up free of charge, presumably. And a hundred quid return for flights to Italy is hardly extortionate. If you don't want to go to his place, just say so, book somewhere else.